On Monday of this week, i came onto Facebook to find that a very old friend from my teen years, had commented on two of my recent posts, where i was expressing the fears that i often have concerning the way my physical health has been lately, due to my situation and circumstances. Earlier, two weeks ago, i had asked this lady to please read all of my notes and blogs. I was hoping that by reading my story, she would understand, and i would have another friend and ally. The total opposite happened. On Monday of this week, i came onto my Facebook newsfeed to find that this lady had penned some rather horrible mean things about me in the comment threads. I was way beyond appalled and shocked at the things that she said. Among the things she said to me were that:
1) I am not a good Christian because i go online and "air my family's dirty laundry and dog on them all over the interwebs."
2) That i am on a huge pity pot.
3) That ALL i post are negative posts..that all she sees in my posts and blogs are only negative rants, and that i need to write about the positive things that happen, for once in my life.
4) That there are others who need help far more than i do..and that i should just shut up and make the most of what i have.
This lady really went off on me. Many of you read these comment threads, and came to my defense. Thank you, by the way, for doing so. The lady unfriended me before i had the chance to fully defend myself, so i emailed her on her Facebook, as she did not yet have me blocked, to make one more attempt at trying to explain my plight..because she had me all wrong. This only made things worse. The lady wrote me back, and told me first, that i needed to chill out a bit..and then, in "ALL CAPS", went onto say that me and my friends were attacking her, and that she never, ever wanted to hear from me ever again.
This lady was someone who me and another local friend, had gone to high school with together....and when we were all in high school, this lady was sweet and compassionate towards me. She had even gotten some Mean Girls in her group, to start treating me nice. When we were all in high school together, this lady and i would also spend alot of time in the classes we had together, writing friendly chatty "Girlfriend" notes back and forth..and when the teachers would allow us to have a break, before the bell would ring, we would sit and talk. Needless to say, when i saw this lady's cruel remarks on my Facebook wall this past Monday......i was crushed!! Not only has she changed..but she was now attacking me as a person....She even went so far as to call my autism an "illness".
Once and for all.....to all people who do not understand....i am not a negative person at heart!!!!! Neither do i walk around throwing huge pity parties. Neither do i come on here to slam my family for the sake of being mean to them, as that lady implied. I am on here, because i am in dire straits and am reaching out for HELP. At the same time, i am on here to educate everyone, both in the autistic community, and those who are non-autistic..about how life is for most of us who are on the autism spectrum, who are Baby Boomers. It is true, that most of my posts are negative in nature..but that is the sad reality of my situation. It is also true that i do write and vent alot about my hurts that i grew up in a family where i didn't feel welcomed and loved...and to this day, i am ostrascized and cut off by most of them..and how it still hurts me. I don't see that as me dogging on my family. My writing is my therapy. Having you all come along to support me when i write and vent, helps me to see that i am not alone..that my feelings are okay..and vaildated. When i talk about how the bully monsters are all getting to me, you all understand that this is a serious matter...and a huge part of my problems.
That lady, however...could not seem to see things that way. All she seemed to want to do was to dog on me for feeling like i do...it was almost as if she wanted to hurt me, because she was hurting..and i just happened to conveniently be on her wall that day, so she could lash out on me. It was abusive..and i ended up blocking her, after i could see that she wanted nothing to do with rekindling our old friendship.
My point is...i am now kind of afraid to keep writing. But i know that then these kinds of people, who still seem to harbor intolerance towards the special needs community as a whole....will win, because they don't want us to have a voice...and i don't want that. So, what do i do? Let these kinds of people shut me up...or keep doing what i do..in hopes that i will finally get help...and also in hopes that i will end up helping a young child's mother be able to better understand how to treat her autistic child, because of what i wrote? Or that a sister will become more patient with her autistic brother because of what i wrote? I have actually had people thank me for writing, for just those very reasons!!!!
So..i guess i will still keep writing..and hope to God that all of my true friends will continue to stick by me, even though i can get into some pretty deep, dark moments sometimes....even though i AM a Believer. To anyone who wants to judge me harshly and say that if i am a Christian i shouldn't be thinking this way, or that way, or writing about things that are bothering me....i say this..Christian does not make one perfect. We are still multi-dimensional, imperfect human beings; we still make mistakes; we still feel; we still hurt....we still live....but for others to judge and conndemn us where we are at in life......is WRONG!!!!
"Judge not, lest you be judged yourself..for if you show others mercy, God will show you the same amount of mercy....but if you judge others harshly, you will also be judged as harshly."
We are all human beings......and we all stumble and fall. But Greater is He who is in me..than he who is in this world...and i also say that NO weapon formed against me will prosper.
I love you all!!!! God bless you, everyone, this holiday season!!!!!!
Love,
Melissa
I also want to add as a disclaimer at the end of this note, that even though i have the lady who verbally attacked me blocked from ever contacting me again on Facebook, as this is originally a Facebook note that i wrote, that she may still have access to my blogs and try to come on here to attack me some more. If this happens, i will not hesitate to report her to the appropriate authorities. If she does not like what i have to say, she does not have to subscribe to or read my writings.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
The Reasons I Write---An Open Letter To My Family
I Have Reasons For My Writing..An Open Letter To My Family
by Melissa Fields on Saturday, November 27, 2010 at 4:32pm
I know that certain people in my family have been complaining a great deal about my writings, and the radio shows that i did earlier this spring. To all of you in my family, i am sorry that my writing and speaking seems to be making most of you uncomfortable and even embarrassed.....but i have a story to tell.....i am an autistic adult who has fallen through the cracks so much in my life..and to top this off, grew up in a family who, for the most part, have never accepted me or been there for me. Today, because of my circumstances, i have ended up being trapped in a neighborhood for the past 19 years, where there are several mean men who delight in terrorizing the living daylights out of me on an almost daily basis....i am merely trying to use my writing and speaking as a means to work through the very real traumas that i have been through. And to get help for myself. I have yet to tell my full complete story.....but this is my story.....i went through all of this.....and am still going through it.....
My only intentions, besides finally being able to get help for myself...are to educate the public out there on the realities of what life can be like for an autistic middle-aged female who grows up like i have grown up...i am not out to slander anyone, to bad-mouth anyone, or be mean to anyone...i am simply telling the facts.......of how it has been for me. I am a Christian who loves Jesus with everything i have in me.....i have NO reason to lie or to be mean to anyone. Yes, i still have a great deal of still unresolved emotional and mental battle scars from all that i have been through..and i would be lying if i said that i still do not experience a great deal of anger and resentment, all of which stems from all of the mega hurts that i have endured in my life......but.....i have found a vehicle: my writing, as a means of channeling my anger and hurt...........into words.
I would only HOPE and PRAY that my writings would speak to all the hearts of my family members who have chosen to harden your hearts to me......i pray that your hearts would soften.....and then there would be a time that you would all do some honest soul-searching as to the things that i have written and spoken about......
I really hurt because of how most of you in my family have chosen to treat me......and how you still choose to deal with me....i have made honest attempts through the years, to try to reach out, to explain my hurts, to try to facilitate mended fences between us all...and instead, it has driven most of you further away from me.....
Dear family, i am the first to admit that i was not perfect either.....
i did do and say mean things alot of times, that were very hurtful to all of you too.....
when i was growing up, i did get away with alot of things that i should not have gotten away with.
And i hereby apologize for all of those things right now!!!!!!!
But was i damaged goods? Was i, please excuse the term: retarded? Was i the weirdo you all liked to always call me? Was i wrong? Was i ugly?
************NO!!!!***************
I was just trying to live my life with the tools i was given.
Even so, i always felt so ganged-up on by my family..like i could never do or say anything right....
i always did feel so VERY wrong, dirty, and ugly;
i always felt like i was in everyone's way.....
i always felt so isolated and cut off from all of you...and it became even worse when most of you, including my mother and father, all moved to Idaho!!!!! After that, alot of my Thanksgivings and Christmases became bitterly hard.....because, since you have all moved to Idaho, i have had to spend many of these holidays alone....no one in my family ever thought to spring for a plane, train or bus ticket so i could come up to spend the holidays with all of you. I would call my mom, and hear all of you talking and laughing in the background, and become so depressed because i couldn't be there!!!! In the 'Nineties, some of you were still living here....you had not yet joined the others.....yet none of you would have me down for any holidays at your houses....i do get to go to my one brother's house when he and his family are in town for Christmas, but when they aren't, my Christmas is spent alone and lonely.....in fact, my eldest brother and sister-in-law even told my mother that now that she and my dad were in Idaho, they weren't going to have any contact with me anymore, because neither of them wanted to deal with my "problems" anymore.....for several years after this, neither of them sent me any birthday or Christmas cards anymore...those stopped for awhile, till after my dad died in early 2000......
In 2005, my youngest brother even told my mother that the family BBQ's would stop if i were to move up to Idaho, because he didn't want to deal with any of my meltdowns at the family BBQ's..........
I don;'t know how clearer i can make this, dear family....but i can assure you all that i am NOT out to trash anyone in my family...just tell my story, because i sincerely feel, in my heart of hearts, that this story **must** be told.
Please pray about my words, dear family. Please understand, once and for all, where my heart is at with this. I am autistic..i have a mission..to educate, to enlighten people, and to help others who may be doing this to their loved ones who are on the spectrum as well. In doing so, i am also trying to work through my own hurt. In doing so, i am also trying to reach all of you who still harden your hearts against me.
Thank you and God bless you, everyone. <3<3<3<3
by Melissa Fields on Saturday, November 27, 2010 at 4:32pm
I know that certain people in my family have been complaining a great deal about my writings, and the radio shows that i did earlier this spring. To all of you in my family, i am sorry that my writing and speaking seems to be making most of you uncomfortable and even embarrassed.....but i have a story to tell.....i am an autistic adult who has fallen through the cracks so much in my life..and to top this off, grew up in a family who, for the most part, have never accepted me or been there for me. Today, because of my circumstances, i have ended up being trapped in a neighborhood for the past 19 years, where there are several mean men who delight in terrorizing the living daylights out of me on an almost daily basis....i am merely trying to use my writing and speaking as a means to work through the very real traumas that i have been through. And to get help for myself. I have yet to tell my full complete story.....but this is my story.....i went through all of this.....and am still going through it.....
My only intentions, besides finally being able to get help for myself...are to educate the public out there on the realities of what life can be like for an autistic middle-aged female who grows up like i have grown up...i am not out to slander anyone, to bad-mouth anyone, or be mean to anyone...i am simply telling the facts.......of how it has been for me. I am a Christian who loves Jesus with everything i have in me.....i have NO reason to lie or to be mean to anyone. Yes, i still have a great deal of still unresolved emotional and mental battle scars from all that i have been through..and i would be lying if i said that i still do not experience a great deal of anger and resentment, all of which stems from all of the mega hurts that i have endured in my life......but.....i have found a vehicle: my writing, as a means of channeling my anger and hurt...........into words.
I would only HOPE and PRAY that my writings would speak to all the hearts of my family members who have chosen to harden your hearts to me......i pray that your hearts would soften.....and then there would be a time that you would all do some honest soul-searching as to the things that i have written and spoken about......
I really hurt because of how most of you in my family have chosen to treat me......and how you still choose to deal with me....i have made honest attempts through the years, to try to reach out, to explain my hurts, to try to facilitate mended fences between us all...and instead, it has driven most of you further away from me.....
Dear family, i am the first to admit that i was not perfect either.....
i did do and say mean things alot of times, that were very hurtful to all of you too.....
when i was growing up, i did get away with alot of things that i should not have gotten away with.
And i hereby apologize for all of those things right now!!!!!!!
But was i damaged goods? Was i, please excuse the term: retarded? Was i the weirdo you all liked to always call me? Was i wrong? Was i ugly?
************NO!!!!***************
I was just trying to live my life with the tools i was given.
Even so, i always felt so ganged-up on by my family..like i could never do or say anything right....
i always did feel so VERY wrong, dirty, and ugly;
i always felt like i was in everyone's way.....
i always felt so isolated and cut off from all of you...and it became even worse when most of you, including my mother and father, all moved to Idaho!!!!! After that, alot of my Thanksgivings and Christmases became bitterly hard.....because, since you have all moved to Idaho, i have had to spend many of these holidays alone....no one in my family ever thought to spring for a plane, train or bus ticket so i could come up to spend the holidays with all of you. I would call my mom, and hear all of you talking and laughing in the background, and become so depressed because i couldn't be there!!!! In the 'Nineties, some of you were still living here....you had not yet joined the others.....yet none of you would have me down for any holidays at your houses....i do get to go to my one brother's house when he and his family are in town for Christmas, but when they aren't, my Christmas is spent alone and lonely.....in fact, my eldest brother and sister-in-law even told my mother that now that she and my dad were in Idaho, they weren't going to have any contact with me anymore, because neither of them wanted to deal with my "problems" anymore.....for several years after this, neither of them sent me any birthday or Christmas cards anymore...those stopped for awhile, till after my dad died in early 2000......
In 2005, my youngest brother even told my mother that the family BBQ's would stop if i were to move up to Idaho, because he didn't want to deal with any of my meltdowns at the family BBQ's..........
I don;'t know how clearer i can make this, dear family....but i can assure you all that i am NOT out to trash anyone in my family...just tell my story, because i sincerely feel, in my heart of hearts, that this story **must** be told.
Please pray about my words, dear family. Please understand, once and for all, where my heart is at with this. I am autistic..i have a mission..to educate, to enlighten people, and to help others who may be doing this to their loved ones who are on the spectrum as well. In doing so, i am also trying to work through my own hurt. In doing so, i am also trying to reach all of you who still harden your hearts against me.
Thank you and God bless you, everyone. <3<3<3<3
Friday, November 26, 2010
My Thoughts On Thanksgiving
My Thoughts On Thanksgiving
by Melissa Fields on Friday, November 26, 2010 at 1:20pm
Earlier today, i was reflecting alot upon all of my Thanksgiving memories during my childhood and teen years growing up, plus how my Thanksgivings were when i reached my twenties, thirties, forties, and now. I thank God that most people are not like my family.
Growing up the way i did, i can remember all of my Thanksgivings being very formal and stiff. Oh, the food was plentiful...very, very rich and delicious. We had all the trimmings...we didn't just have turkey, we also had ham, relish trays, hors d' evres, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, rolls with butter, green beans, cranberry sauce, and pumpkin pie for dessert with homemade whipped cream. I so enjoyed the good food!!!! Before the meal, along with the hors d'everes, my dad would serve the grown-ups High Balls....alcoholic drinks which consisted of Jack Daniels whiskey, and 7-Up. The kids would just get 7-Up. At the dinner table, the grown-ups would get to talk and converse...and so would everyone who was in their teens. But the children...could not talk, except to ask for someone to pass a dish around. For some reason, my no-talking rules extended well into my teens. It was only after high school that my dad lightened up alittle, and even began to allow me to have High Balls. By this time, i had begun to have better relations with my older brothers and sisters. But..i was still not allowed to joke with, or talk alot with my dad.
My baby brother, on the other hand, became quite adept, at an early age, of being such a clown at the dinner table, that my dad was simply not able to discipline him. In no time at all, CA was winning my dad's heart...and he would let CA get away with joking with him, and talking to him and everything...when i was still not allowed to.
Thanksgivings, once i reached my twenties, were much more pleasant times for me, because the older kids had now married and had children of their own...and my dad was mellowing out even more. However, i had learned long ago, while still in high school, to develop a certain facade around all of my family in order for them to accept me..and it worked.
Once i reached my late twenties and early thirties, we stopped having Thanksgiving dinners. I was now living on my own, next to two old ladies who always had me over to their house for Thanksgiving. Then, i moved over here, and began having problems and meltdowns again..and i lost the acceptance of some of my family. Then most of my family moved to Idaho...including my mom and dad, leaving me here to fend for myself...because i didn't want to move to Idaho...i had at the time, a group of awesome Christian singles friends and was heavily into that..heavily into doing things with them, so i stayed here, and began to spend all of my Thanksgivings and Christmases at people's houses in our Christian singles group.
Ever since my family all located to Idaho during the 'Nineties..i have only gotten to go there twice...but never at Thanksgiving or Christmastime. No one in my family has ever been able to or willing to spring for either a plane, train, or bus ticket, for me to go up there for the holidays. And my relations with them all have deteriorated so much now, that i don't want to go near them. I am friends with my mom and one sister who lives in Arizona...but not the rest of them. There have been many a Thanksgiving and Christmas that i have had to spend it alone, with no place to go to be with people, since my family all moved to Idaho. There are some Christmases where my brother J and his family who all still live here, will have me over for Christmas Eve dinner and a visit. But..he doesn't really talk to me..i talk mostly to my sister-in-law and nephews when i go there. But when they go out of town for Christmas, i am alone.
Today, i have a wonderful family of autism community friends here on Facebook who all "get" my autism.
I have a neighbor who also "gets" my autism.
And i also now have a local friend who i went to high school with, who also "gets" my autism, as she has two sons who are on the spectrum.
Today, i went to her mom's house for Thanksgiving dinner and i had the most beautiful, wonderful time and visit...i was accepted by all of them...nobody there looked down on me because i am too morbidly obese, and too full of little quirks and my own unique little fun goofy-sillies.
In fact, you know what? I no longer have to put on an air with most people...because i have been able to learn how to like and even love myself the way i am!!!!! I have also learned how to tell people that i meet in public about my autism, and my quirks and needs, and what accomodations i need...and you know what? MOST of these people are okay with me..and they understand and have compassion....so...i need to just forget the ones who still do not accept me, right????
I wish i could learn to do that too...because, man, if i could learn to just "Brush the dirt off my shoulder, and move on", like Jay-Z once said in one of his 2004 hit hip hop songs..i'd be so much better off....but it still hurts when i am dissed and shunned..when i get those derisive looks and stares and giggles..and oink-oinks...and...especially when my family still won't let me friend them on Facebook, or have their email addresses and phone numbers. It still hurts when i don't ever get a phone call or letter from them, or when i know they are down here visiting, and they don't stop in to see me and take me to lunch or dinner. It hurts to go to my brother J's for Christmas, and i try to talk to him, but he and i have the same exact stilted, stiff relationship that i had with my father.
Thanksgiving...family....think about it. The holidays can more often than not, be very heart-wrenching times for people. All because their are families out there who haven't taken the time to mend old fences....or to accept those in their families who might be differently-abled than they are. So many people commit suicide during the holidays....the suicide rates jump up even more during holiday season, because of just what i am talking about here. It does not have to be this way. if there is any of you out there reading this, who may have a brother or sister, aunt or uncle, mother or father, or son or daughter, that you have had issues with....please try to sit down with that person or persons, if you are able to, and try to make peace. If you can't, then just pray about it, and let God work on these people's hearts. I do not know if i will ever be able to make peace with the ones in my family who have hardened their hearts against me...all i can do is pray for them, that God will quicken and soften their hearts. I know that i am a good person..i have done no deliberate, intentional wrong that i can think of...except be born autistic.
Even so..i did much reflecting earlier today, on how all of my Thanksgivings from my earliest memories to now, at the age of 50 have been...and mixed in with all the hard ones...are alot of ones that have been total blessings to me. This year's Thanksgiving was one of the good ones..i was really blessed today, by my neighbor, my mom, and by my friend and her family whose home i was in today. Thank you, Sherry, Terry, Loretta, Melody, Thomas, Thomas, Thomas, Cassie, Zach, and Loren, for the awesome time and food!!! God bless you all!!!!
God bless all of you, my dear, wonderful friends!!!!! <3<3<3<3
by Melissa Fields on Friday, November 26, 2010 at 1:20pm
Earlier today, i was reflecting alot upon all of my Thanksgiving memories during my childhood and teen years growing up, plus how my Thanksgivings were when i reached my twenties, thirties, forties, and now. I thank God that most people are not like my family.
Growing up the way i did, i can remember all of my Thanksgivings being very formal and stiff. Oh, the food was plentiful...very, very rich and delicious. We had all the trimmings...we didn't just have turkey, we also had ham, relish trays, hors d' evres, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, rolls with butter, green beans, cranberry sauce, and pumpkin pie for dessert with homemade whipped cream. I so enjoyed the good food!!!! Before the meal, along with the hors d'everes, my dad would serve the grown-ups High Balls....alcoholic drinks which consisted of Jack Daniels whiskey, and 7-Up. The kids would just get 7-Up. At the dinner table, the grown-ups would get to talk and converse...and so would everyone who was in their teens. But the children...could not talk, except to ask for someone to pass a dish around. For some reason, my no-talking rules extended well into my teens. It was only after high school that my dad lightened up alittle, and even began to allow me to have High Balls. By this time, i had begun to have better relations with my older brothers and sisters. But..i was still not allowed to joke with, or talk alot with my dad.
My baby brother, on the other hand, became quite adept, at an early age, of being such a clown at the dinner table, that my dad was simply not able to discipline him. In no time at all, CA was winning my dad's heart...and he would let CA get away with joking with him, and talking to him and everything...when i was still not allowed to.
Thanksgivings, once i reached my twenties, were much more pleasant times for me, because the older kids had now married and had children of their own...and my dad was mellowing out even more. However, i had learned long ago, while still in high school, to develop a certain facade around all of my family in order for them to accept me..and it worked.
Once i reached my late twenties and early thirties, we stopped having Thanksgiving dinners. I was now living on my own, next to two old ladies who always had me over to their house for Thanksgiving. Then, i moved over here, and began having problems and meltdowns again..and i lost the acceptance of some of my family. Then most of my family moved to Idaho...including my mom and dad, leaving me here to fend for myself...because i didn't want to move to Idaho...i had at the time, a group of awesome Christian singles friends and was heavily into that..heavily into doing things with them, so i stayed here, and began to spend all of my Thanksgivings and Christmases at people's houses in our Christian singles group.
Ever since my family all located to Idaho during the 'Nineties..i have only gotten to go there twice...but never at Thanksgiving or Christmastime. No one in my family has ever been able to or willing to spring for either a plane, train, or bus ticket, for me to go up there for the holidays. And my relations with them all have deteriorated so much now, that i don't want to go near them. I am friends with my mom and one sister who lives in Arizona...but not the rest of them. There have been many a Thanksgiving and Christmas that i have had to spend it alone, with no place to go to be with people, since my family all moved to Idaho. There are some Christmases where my brother J and his family who all still live here, will have me over for Christmas Eve dinner and a visit. But..he doesn't really talk to me..i talk mostly to my sister-in-law and nephews when i go there. But when they go out of town for Christmas, i am alone.
Today, i have a wonderful family of autism community friends here on Facebook who all "get" my autism.
I have a neighbor who also "gets" my autism.
And i also now have a local friend who i went to high school with, who also "gets" my autism, as she has two sons who are on the spectrum.
Today, i went to her mom's house for Thanksgiving dinner and i had the most beautiful, wonderful time and visit...i was accepted by all of them...nobody there looked down on me because i am too morbidly obese, and too full of little quirks and my own unique little fun goofy-sillies.
In fact, you know what? I no longer have to put on an air with most people...because i have been able to learn how to like and even love myself the way i am!!!!! I have also learned how to tell people that i meet in public about my autism, and my quirks and needs, and what accomodations i need...and you know what? MOST of these people are okay with me..and they understand and have compassion....so...i need to just forget the ones who still do not accept me, right????
I wish i could learn to do that too...because, man, if i could learn to just "Brush the dirt off my shoulder, and move on", like Jay-Z once said in one of his 2004 hit hip hop songs..i'd be so much better off....but it still hurts when i am dissed and shunned..when i get those derisive looks and stares and giggles..and oink-oinks...and...especially when my family still won't let me friend them on Facebook, or have their email addresses and phone numbers. It still hurts when i don't ever get a phone call or letter from them, or when i know they are down here visiting, and they don't stop in to see me and take me to lunch or dinner. It hurts to go to my brother J's for Christmas, and i try to talk to him, but he and i have the same exact stilted, stiff relationship that i had with my father.
Thanksgiving...family....think about it. The holidays can more often than not, be very heart-wrenching times for people. All because their are families out there who haven't taken the time to mend old fences....or to accept those in their families who might be differently-abled than they are. So many people commit suicide during the holidays....the suicide rates jump up even more during holiday season, because of just what i am talking about here. It does not have to be this way. if there is any of you out there reading this, who may have a brother or sister, aunt or uncle, mother or father, or son or daughter, that you have had issues with....please try to sit down with that person or persons, if you are able to, and try to make peace. If you can't, then just pray about it, and let God work on these people's hearts. I do not know if i will ever be able to make peace with the ones in my family who have hardened their hearts against me...all i can do is pray for them, that God will quicken and soften their hearts. I know that i am a good person..i have done no deliberate, intentional wrong that i can think of...except be born autistic.
Even so..i did much reflecting earlier today, on how all of my Thanksgivings from my earliest memories to now, at the age of 50 have been...and mixed in with all the hard ones...are alot of ones that have been total blessings to me. This year's Thanksgiving was one of the good ones..i was really blessed today, by my neighbor, my mom, and by my friend and her family whose home i was in today. Thank you, Sherry, Terry, Loretta, Melody, Thomas, Thomas, Thomas, Cassie, Zach, and Loren, for the awesome time and food!!! God bless you all!!!!
God bless all of you, my dear, wonderful friends!!!!! <3<3<3<3
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
The Terrorization Continues
The Terrorization Of Melissa Fields Continues
by Melissa Fields on Friday, November 12, 2010 at 7:26pm
Everyone, tonight i was just out in my front yard, finishing up talking to my neighbor as he was leaving to go back to work from his dinner break....as i began to descend my steps to come back inside of my little tiny cottage, a white passenger car came speeding by, and began laying on his car horn all the way from in front of my house to the nearest cross street to the West........today, all day, the mean bully monsters have been hot rodding relentlessly back and forth past my house...i have had to sit in here with my music up loud and my TV also up loud...holed up, afraid to go outside..i am always afraid to go outside....friends, it is this way everyday, and this is getting so much worse....i need help so badly, so that i can get my debts all paid off so that i can afford to rent another place......i HAVE to move, because of how bad this is getting..........
I am an autistic 50-year-old adult who has always fallen through the cracks and have always never been able to get the help i have needed...and so am trapped having to live in a house where i am prey to these mean men who work in three nearby auto businesses everyday, tormenting me to where i am losing what little physical health and well-being i have left..i can no longer function normally like i used to be able to...and am reduced to horrible screaming meltdowns all the time, due to these mean beasts........i have very little support from the police, or my community, or most of my family........
There has got to be a solution, PLEASE........i am really going downhill because of this.......
by Melissa Fields on Friday, November 12, 2010 at 7:26pm
Everyone, tonight i was just out in my front yard, finishing up talking to my neighbor as he was leaving to go back to work from his dinner break....as i began to descend my steps to come back inside of my little tiny cottage, a white passenger car came speeding by, and began laying on his car horn all the way from in front of my house to the nearest cross street to the West........today, all day, the mean bully monsters have been hot rodding relentlessly back and forth past my house...i have had to sit in here with my music up loud and my TV also up loud...holed up, afraid to go outside..i am always afraid to go outside....friends, it is this way everyday, and this is getting so much worse....i need help so badly, so that i can get my debts all paid off so that i can afford to rent another place......i HAVE to move, because of how bad this is getting..........
I am an autistic 50-year-old adult who has always fallen through the cracks and have always never been able to get the help i have needed...and so am trapped having to live in a house where i am prey to these mean men who work in three nearby auto businesses everyday, tormenting me to where i am losing what little physical health and well-being i have left..i can no longer function normally like i used to be able to...and am reduced to horrible screaming meltdowns all the time, due to these mean beasts........i have very little support from the police, or my community, or most of my family........
There has got to be a solution, PLEASE........i am really going downhill because of this.......
Am I A Modern Day Lazarus?
Am I A Modern-Day Lazarus?
by Melissa Fields on Wednesday, November 10, 2010 at 12:24am
Again tonight
I look up to the sky
As i am crying inside
huge rivers and torrents of tears
It is not easy to just forget
to totally erase away
where i came from
who i am related to by my flesh and blood
like Lazarus in days of old
i feel
always sitting at the foot of my family's table
begging for just their scraps of affection and acceptance
approval and love
and just mostly getting ignored instead
many a night i sit, listening to my
Christian rock
and i pray so hard for all of them
that God will soften their hearts
minds and souls...not just towards me
but towards God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit
that the walls will all finally come crumbling down
that they erected between them and i so long ago
sometimes my tears come outside
and i allow them to fall
other times they stay inside
my heart gets broken over and over and over again
i know that the same God who created me
who loves me..also loves all of those who shun me
and i also know that prayers do NOT go unanswered
i pray heart and soul that my family will not
go the way of the rich man who rejected Lazarus
and then he died and then it was too late..i hope and pray
that this will not happen to the ones who ignore me
in my family...it would tear me up to see them perish
all because of their intolerance and inability or willingness
to open up their hearts and minds to me.....
and it is not with hate or malice or judgement that i say this
but it is with nothing but a burning LOVE to see
my family all be saved
God IS real..i know, because He has done miracles already
in the half century that i have been alive
NOTHING is impossible if you believe in God and love Him
and i believe even my family can someday become my friends
because that is what God wants..for us all to love one another
and that means EVERYONE...no matter what that person's difference
or similarity may be...........AMEN!!!!!
Thank You, Jesus, for dying for me...and for giving me the gift of Life
and Life Abundantly!!!! And for making me autistic and uniquely me!!!!!
God bless you, everyone!!!! Please go and bless as many people today
that you can with the kindness that God put inside of you...let us stand up
and speak out wherever we see people hating on each other and bullying
and oppressing one another...God made us to Love and Hope and have faith
Not to hate and judge and oppress one another. ~~~~<3<3<3<3
by Melissa Fields on Wednesday, November 10, 2010 at 12:24am
Again tonight
I look up to the sky
As i am crying inside
huge rivers and torrents of tears
It is not easy to just forget
to totally erase away
where i came from
who i am related to by my flesh and blood
like Lazarus in days of old
i feel
always sitting at the foot of my family's table
begging for just their scraps of affection and acceptance
approval and love
and just mostly getting ignored instead
many a night i sit, listening to my
Christian rock
and i pray so hard for all of them
that God will soften their hearts
minds and souls...not just towards me
but towards God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit
that the walls will all finally come crumbling down
that they erected between them and i so long ago
sometimes my tears come outside
and i allow them to fall
other times they stay inside
my heart gets broken over and over and over again
i know that the same God who created me
who loves me..also loves all of those who shun me
and i also know that prayers do NOT go unanswered
i pray heart and soul that my family will not
go the way of the rich man who rejected Lazarus
and then he died and then it was too late..i hope and pray
that this will not happen to the ones who ignore me
in my family...it would tear me up to see them perish
all because of their intolerance and inability or willingness
to open up their hearts and minds to me.....
and it is not with hate or malice or judgement that i say this
but it is with nothing but a burning LOVE to see
my family all be saved
God IS real..i know, because He has done miracles already
in the half century that i have been alive
NOTHING is impossible if you believe in God and love Him
and i believe even my family can someday become my friends
because that is what God wants..for us all to love one another
and that means EVERYONE...no matter what that person's difference
or similarity may be...........AMEN!!!!!
Thank You, Jesus, for dying for me...and for giving me the gift of Life
and Life Abundantly!!!! And for making me autistic and uniquely me!!!!!
God bless you, everyone!!!! Please go and bless as many people today
that you can with the kindness that God put inside of you...let us stand up
and speak out wherever we see people hating on each other and bullying
and oppressing one another...God made us to Love and Hope and have faith
Not to hate and judge and oppress one another. ~~~~<3<3<3<3
My Latest Bad Customer Service Experience
Today, Friday, i had grocery and neccessity shopping to do. I have my one supermarket and one other superstore that i like to go to......because the majority of the clerks at these places all know me, and are very nice to me, they accomodate all of my sensory issues that i have with how i like to have my purchases are packaged, to how i like my change given to me..which is not wrinkled, stained, or gross-looking. And they even know how i like to have my packages placed in my trunk.
Well, tonight, i went to the checkout after getting all my stuff, as it started out being one of the lady checkers that is nice to me..there are a bunch of the guys who are nice to me there too...anyway, as i got to the line, they switched checkers on me, to a guy who i also thought would be nice.....as i had had him as a checker before, and didn't have any problems with him then.
When it came my turn to be checked out, however, he looked at me with an unfriendly look and greeted me with a "Hi", that was very cold. I said hi back and asked him how he was, hoping to break the ice. he mumbled "I'm good," in that same unfriendly monotone, and looked down, then proceeded to throw my things in a very sloppy unorganized manner in the plastic bags, as he ran them through the scanner. When i noticed this, i tried to tell him, and he right off the bat, started laughing at me like i was crazy. I informed him that i am not crazy, i am autistic, and he just shook his head and chuckled at the lady behind me, who also was laughing at me. I told them both right out again that i am autistic and to please stop laughing at me..and they continued to mock me and laugh. Fortunately, the courtesy clerk, a young man who is ALWAYS EXTRA nice to me, was standing there, and he heard the entire exchange. He proceeded to re-bag my groceries and toiletries in the neat manner that i am accustomed to, and to double-bag all of them for me so i'd have an easier time carrying them all into my house. The mean clerk, then proceeded to hand me my change, without first checking to make sure it was change that was in good condition, so i asked him if he had forgotten how to do my change---and he snottily retorted back to me, sneeringly:"Well, i can count!!" The nice courtesy clerk heard this also, as the mean clerk and the mean customer behind me shared yet another mean laugh at my expense!!! Of course, i told both the mean clerk and the mean lady off that was behind me in line..i was angry!!! The courtesy clerk and i then proceeded to the customer service counter and we both lodged an immediate complaint. I was given better change, and we made our way out of the store to my car. On the way out, we both ran into the store manager and told him as well about my horrible experience...and the store manager was VERY upset and said that this would be taken care of right then and there.
The unfortunate thing about these stores is that bad clerks cannot just be fired.....as many of them belong to unions..but if enough complaints are lodged, then that's a different story.
The thing of is...i am a strong enough of a person that i know when i am being mistreated, laughed at, blown off, etc..and i have learned how to confront people and not be afraid to do so....but even so, i, as an autistic person, am still badly affected by these kinds of customer service experiences.....i still have meltdowns when i reach my car, where i will scream and yell, turn up my car stereo full blast and just rage out of the parking lot. I will hit myself, hit and punch the steering wheel, and drive like a maniac till i calm down. No, this is not good to do..but it happens.. Luckily, i am able to clam down enough to drive safely, though. But then when i come home, i still have to get it out of my system, so i melt down again...and one thing i love to do when i am feeling this way, is to gorge myself on junk food till i am eatting so much that my stomache hurts.
I have a total love and hate relationship with shopping, with people, and with noise. I love people when they are genuinely nice..but not fake nice. I love friendly noises. I love to shop. I love to eat out. I love to be social.
But i don't love these things when they turn threatening, unfriendly, mean, and unaccepting if me.
Do i think that the retail and service industry does enough to train their mangers and employees on how to treat cutomers..including customers who have special needs? No. Not when these kinds of incidents like the one that happened to me tonight, keep on happening. We ALL need to stand up when these things happen. Fortunately, i had that nice courtesy clerk who came to my defense and helped me in confronting that mean checkout clerk..or my experience would have been a total trainwreck!!!!!
Thank God i am able to sit down and put my feelings down here on Facebook. I feel better now. Thank you all for reading this. Love you and God bless you all!!! <3<3<3<3
Well, tonight, i went to the checkout after getting all my stuff, as it started out being one of the lady checkers that is nice to me..there are a bunch of the guys who are nice to me there too...anyway, as i got to the line, they switched checkers on me, to a guy who i also thought would be nice.....as i had had him as a checker before, and didn't have any problems with him then.
When it came my turn to be checked out, however, he looked at me with an unfriendly look and greeted me with a "Hi", that was very cold. I said hi back and asked him how he was, hoping to break the ice. he mumbled "I'm good," in that same unfriendly monotone, and looked down, then proceeded to throw my things in a very sloppy unorganized manner in the plastic bags, as he ran them through the scanner. When i noticed this, i tried to tell him, and he right off the bat, started laughing at me like i was crazy. I informed him that i am not crazy, i am autistic, and he just shook his head and chuckled at the lady behind me, who also was laughing at me. I told them both right out again that i am autistic and to please stop laughing at me..and they continued to mock me and laugh. Fortunately, the courtesy clerk, a young man who is ALWAYS EXTRA nice to me, was standing there, and he heard the entire exchange. He proceeded to re-bag my groceries and toiletries in the neat manner that i am accustomed to, and to double-bag all of them for me so i'd have an easier time carrying them all into my house. The mean clerk, then proceeded to hand me my change, without first checking to make sure it was change that was in good condition, so i asked him if he had forgotten how to do my change---and he snottily retorted back to me, sneeringly:"Well, i can count!!" The nice courtesy clerk heard this also, as the mean clerk and the mean customer behind me shared yet another mean laugh at my expense!!! Of course, i told both the mean clerk and the mean lady off that was behind me in line..i was angry!!! The courtesy clerk and i then proceeded to the customer service counter and we both lodged an immediate complaint. I was given better change, and we made our way out of the store to my car. On the way out, we both ran into the store manager and told him as well about my horrible experience...and the store manager was VERY upset and said that this would be taken care of right then and there.
The unfortunate thing about these stores is that bad clerks cannot just be fired.....as many of them belong to unions..but if enough complaints are lodged, then that's a different story.
The thing of is...i am a strong enough of a person that i know when i am being mistreated, laughed at, blown off, etc..and i have learned how to confront people and not be afraid to do so....but even so, i, as an autistic person, am still badly affected by these kinds of customer service experiences.....i still have meltdowns when i reach my car, where i will scream and yell, turn up my car stereo full blast and just rage out of the parking lot. I will hit myself, hit and punch the steering wheel, and drive like a maniac till i calm down. No, this is not good to do..but it happens.. Luckily, i am able to clam down enough to drive safely, though. But then when i come home, i still have to get it out of my system, so i melt down again...and one thing i love to do when i am feeling this way, is to gorge myself on junk food till i am eatting so much that my stomache hurts.
I have a total love and hate relationship with shopping, with people, and with noise. I love people when they are genuinely nice..but not fake nice. I love friendly noises. I love to shop. I love to eat out. I love to be social.
But i don't love these things when they turn threatening, unfriendly, mean, and unaccepting if me.
Do i think that the retail and service industry does enough to train their mangers and employees on how to treat cutomers..including customers who have special needs? No. Not when these kinds of incidents like the one that happened to me tonight, keep on happening. We ALL need to stand up when these things happen. Fortunately, i had that nice courtesy clerk who came to my defense and helped me in confronting that mean checkout clerk..or my experience would have been a total trainwreck!!!!!
Thank God i am able to sit down and put my feelings down here on Facebook. I feel better now. Thank you all for reading this. Love you and God bless you all!!! <3<3<3<3
My Internet and Phone Shutdown Hell
Firstly, i want to say that i was very happy to participate in Autistics Speaking Day on November 1st. I wasn't feeling well that day, because i was already in the midst of alot of stress because my internet and digital phone service kept going out on me, beginning on Thursday night, with one outage a day, and then, by Monday and Tuesday, the outages were constant. I did post alot on Facebook and did also try Twitter, but i found Twitter to be too complicated and frustrating, so i went back to posting here on FB. I wanted to blog, but again, i wasn't feeling that well, due to a lack of sleep over my internet isssues. I don't know about you, but i really am quite attached to the internet.....i like to know that it..and Facebook..is here for me when i come to my computer. I love to watch YouTube, stream my favorite music stations, and interact with all of my autistic and non-autistic friends here on FB...and i like to also be able to call my mom, who i sometimes will call several times a day, if i am having a bad day. I also like to be able to call on Garrison as well..he's my kind neighbor who is like the brother i never had, who helps me with the mean bully monster issues i have.
I never got to do a blog that day. By Monday night, my internet and phone service were totally down.....and all that night, it kept going down.....it was a dark night for me. With my landline out, all i had to rely on was my little tiny cell phone, which only has 450 daytime minutes a month..and i can hardly see the screen, i can hardly hear on it, and i can't hear when it rings either.
I got forced into my own communications shutdown that night..and it was unbearable. UN-bearable. I never slept. I was on my cell phone, making repeated calls to Comcast all Monday night long...to try to get my freedom back..and got a very frustrating mix of good and bad customer service. Some of the phone techs that i would speak to, were very clipped, uncaring and unhelpful...but others were so nice and kind..and really went out of their way to try to help me.
Digressing back to Saturday evening, a very nice young technician came and changed out all of my connections and ran thorough tests on my phone/internet modem. On Sunday, i had NO problems. But on Monday morning, i lost my phone and internet again..and after that, it just got worse and worse. Tuesday afternoon, another tech and a tech supervisor came here and changed out the wire that goes from the cable outlet on my house to my computer and phone modem. The tech gave me his business card and tokl me to call him directly. They also gave me a brad new phone/internet modem. I had no more problems until Tuesday night, when it again went out..and then it again kept going out all night long. I finally gave up and slept very fitfully for about 5 hours, with just my TV to give me background noise..but i had to go without my music completely..and so that made for another rough night. On Wednesday morning, it went out again..and i had to hear the mean bully monsters' loud hot rodding as a result. But the tech supervisor was now working on the area outage..and it did turn out to be an area outage. I went to do my SSA payday stuff and came back and have had my internet and phone service ever since...even tho there are still some unresolved issues that they still have to take care of.
I am still in close communications with the local tech supervisor..on Tuesday afternoon, he gave me his business card and told me to leave him voice mails if my service cuts out again...and he told me this afternoon that he will keep doing tests on my modem throughout the afternoon and evening. IN addition, he is going to schedule another appointment with me to change out the wire that goes from my outlet to the utility pole, as he sees that it hasn't been changed in a long time. it is ppl like these that give me faith in companies like Comcast.
I do think that Comcast as a whole, do care about their customers. All of the techs who have been to my house over this latest issue, have been so very nice and very understanding. About 50% of their phone techs are also extremely nice and helpful and caring....especially when i tell them about my health issues and autism. I think that Comcast tries to be friendly and accomodating to the special needs community. But i have had some real bad customer service reps too..and they only make my plight that much harder to bear.
Today, it is 90 degrees outside. I have my window A/C unit cranked, but am still hot. Today, the mean bully monsters are all giving me hell again..they are roaring up and down this street like demonic banshees....and they will not stop. But at least i have my internet and phone again...and i can blog and vent about it today, and listen to my music too. Now that i have had a computer for the past 4 years, i have come to really depend on it..and the internet, to be my way to communicate with my wonderful autism community friends who i have found here on FB. My internet and phone outages that happened these past 6 days....is an excellent illustration of how i feel it would have been wrong for anyone of us to do a communications shutdown of Facebook, Twitter, etc. on November 1st...because i really felt like i was muzzled and in jail when i went offline...and kept going offline..and couldn't even use my landline to call Garrison and my mom. I had only that teeny little cell phone with hardly any minutes on it to use.
I am glad that Comcast is, for the most part, a company that cares about its customers. But they do need to work on the ones who don't care. We all need to do better to care about one another and listen to each other..to be here for one another, and to let each other vent when we need to.
I have NO PROBLEM with being autistic..i am PROUD that i AM!!!!!! It's the ones who will NOT open their minds and hearts to us..the ones who refuse to work with us, who refuse to be accepting of us and the ones who refuse to accomodate our sensory issues, that make it so hard, even impossible, sometimes to be an autistic........and....those ppl need to take a step back and really open their hearts and minds to us. It could be their sister or brother or neice or nephew or aunt or uncle, or friends who could be autistic. We are all human beings..and we have the right to BE who we are!!!!!
This is the kind of along the lines of what i wanted to blog about on Monday night when my internet went down and i couldn't.
Thank you all for reading this. God bless you all, my dear sweet angel friends!!!! I love you all!!!!!! <3<3<3<3 <3<3<3<3
I never got to do a blog that day. By Monday night, my internet and phone service were totally down.....and all that night, it kept going down.....it was a dark night for me. With my landline out, all i had to rely on was my little tiny cell phone, which only has 450 daytime minutes a month..and i can hardly see the screen, i can hardly hear on it, and i can't hear when it rings either.
I got forced into my own communications shutdown that night..and it was unbearable. UN-bearable. I never slept. I was on my cell phone, making repeated calls to Comcast all Monday night long...to try to get my freedom back..and got a very frustrating mix of good and bad customer service. Some of the phone techs that i would speak to, were very clipped, uncaring and unhelpful...but others were so nice and kind..and really went out of their way to try to help me.
Digressing back to Saturday evening, a very nice young technician came and changed out all of my connections and ran thorough tests on my phone/internet modem. On Sunday, i had NO problems. But on Monday morning, i lost my phone and internet again..and after that, it just got worse and worse. Tuesday afternoon, another tech and a tech supervisor came here and changed out the wire that goes from the cable outlet on my house to my computer and phone modem. The tech gave me his business card and tokl me to call him directly. They also gave me a brad new phone/internet modem. I had no more problems until Tuesday night, when it again went out..and then it again kept going out all night long. I finally gave up and slept very fitfully for about 5 hours, with just my TV to give me background noise..but i had to go without my music completely..and so that made for another rough night. On Wednesday morning, it went out again..and i had to hear the mean bully monsters' loud hot rodding as a result. But the tech supervisor was now working on the area outage..and it did turn out to be an area outage. I went to do my SSA payday stuff and came back and have had my internet and phone service ever since...even tho there are still some unresolved issues that they still have to take care of.
I am still in close communications with the local tech supervisor..on Tuesday afternoon, he gave me his business card and told me to leave him voice mails if my service cuts out again...and he told me this afternoon that he will keep doing tests on my modem throughout the afternoon and evening. IN addition, he is going to schedule another appointment with me to change out the wire that goes from my outlet to the utility pole, as he sees that it hasn't been changed in a long time. it is ppl like these that give me faith in companies like Comcast.
I do think that Comcast as a whole, do care about their customers. All of the techs who have been to my house over this latest issue, have been so very nice and very understanding. About 50% of their phone techs are also extremely nice and helpful and caring....especially when i tell them about my health issues and autism. I think that Comcast tries to be friendly and accomodating to the special needs community. But i have had some real bad customer service reps too..and they only make my plight that much harder to bear.
Today, it is 90 degrees outside. I have my window A/C unit cranked, but am still hot. Today, the mean bully monsters are all giving me hell again..they are roaring up and down this street like demonic banshees....and they will not stop. But at least i have my internet and phone again...and i can blog and vent about it today, and listen to my music too. Now that i have had a computer for the past 4 years, i have come to really depend on it..and the internet, to be my way to communicate with my wonderful autism community friends who i have found here on FB. My internet and phone outages that happened these past 6 days....is an excellent illustration of how i feel it would have been wrong for anyone of us to do a communications shutdown of Facebook, Twitter, etc. on November 1st...because i really felt like i was muzzled and in jail when i went offline...and kept going offline..and couldn't even use my landline to call Garrison and my mom. I had only that teeny little cell phone with hardly any minutes on it to use.
I am glad that Comcast is, for the most part, a company that cares about its customers. But they do need to work on the ones who don't care. We all need to do better to care about one another and listen to each other..to be here for one another, and to let each other vent when we need to.
I have NO PROBLEM with being autistic..i am PROUD that i AM!!!!!! It's the ones who will NOT open their minds and hearts to us..the ones who refuse to work with us, who refuse to be accepting of us and the ones who refuse to accomodate our sensory issues, that make it so hard, even impossible, sometimes to be an autistic........and....those ppl need to take a step back and really open their hearts and minds to us. It could be their sister or brother or neice or nephew or aunt or uncle, or friends who could be autistic. We are all human beings..and we have the right to BE who we are!!!!!
This is the kind of along the lines of what i wanted to blog about on Monday night when my internet went down and i couldn't.
Thank you all for reading this. God bless you all, my dear sweet angel friends!!!! I love you all!!!!!! <3<3<3<3 <3<3<3<3
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Autistic I Am
I Am Autistic...I am Not Shutting Up Or Going Away
by Melissa Fields on Saturday, October 30, 2010 at 2:00pm
It really pains me that in today's world, that there are still so many people who still see those of us who have any special needs, or different ability....as burdens who they do not have to treat with respect or dignity. I know. It happens to me all the time. I have no one to go with me to all the places that i am afraid to go because i know i will have my voice silenced, squelched, by people who just do not want to take the time to open their hearts and minds and souls to me.
I am afraid to see any doctor..because most doctors's offices are set up to shut up the voice that i have..to hurry me thru their day, so as not to upset the schedule too badly.
When clerks in supermarkets lack patience, i end up with change that is dirty, wrinkled and stained..and then i have an upset, because i have a very painful sensory issue with money that is like that.
I know when my socks aren't on right..and i literally cannot walk straight because of that.
Am i a princess just because i have all of these hang-ups? No..i am autistic. I was born this way. For the past 19 years i have had to live, trapped in a neighborhood where i have been getting bullied and terrorized on an almost daily basis for all these long, 19 years....so, it has now affected my physical health to where i now have to become a burden to the doctors. Yes, i may be morbidly obese, with chronic lymphodema on both of my legs...but i am still pretty inside. I still have a personality..i still have a sense of humor, a kind heart, a kind spirit..and a soul. I still have feelings too...feelings which do get hurt.
I thank God that i do belong with all of my wonderful autism community friends here on Facebook..and all of the non-autistic friends i also have here on Facebook.
But to anybody out there who still wants to squelch me and make me feel like i am less than human....i hope you all know that there is indeed a God in Heaven who sees how those of you treat me and try to rob me of my voice and dignity. It is a terrible insult to He who made me this special way.
I so dread having to go to the doctor...because i have yet to find one with whom i feel welcomed by in their office..by all who work there. At one doctor's office i go to, there is a room full of very prominent looking women that i have to walk past when i have to use their restroom....and these ladies all give me real Stink-Eye when i pass their door. They will only half-smile at me, that kind of smile that is very cold and aloof...the kind of smile that tells me that i am someone who is considered "not in their league"...and..i won't pretend that this does not hurt. There are others in this office who are very hurtful towards me too...but i have to go again, so that i can walk on my left foot without twisting up into a pain so terrible that it literally cripples me.
People of this world..please stop trying to take our voice and our dignity away. We who have special needs, are human just like you are. Maybe some of us don't have a nice thin body or whatever.....but that is NO reason to treat us abusively and dismiss and hurry us along like we are a piece of dirt. This world needs to revisit the art of being kind and compassionate.....patient, and accepting. It means embracing people who are of ALL abilities..not just what is considered the norm.
Thank you and God bless you.
·
by Melissa Fields on Saturday, October 30, 2010 at 2:00pm
It really pains me that in today's world, that there are still so many people who still see those of us who have any special needs, or different ability....as burdens who they do not have to treat with respect or dignity. I know. It happens to me all the time. I have no one to go with me to all the places that i am afraid to go because i know i will have my voice silenced, squelched, by people who just do not want to take the time to open their hearts and minds and souls to me.
I am afraid to see any doctor..because most doctors's offices are set up to shut up the voice that i have..to hurry me thru their day, so as not to upset the schedule too badly.
When clerks in supermarkets lack patience, i end up with change that is dirty, wrinkled and stained..and then i have an upset, because i have a very painful sensory issue with money that is like that.
I know when my socks aren't on right..and i literally cannot walk straight because of that.
Am i a princess just because i have all of these hang-ups? No..i am autistic. I was born this way. For the past 19 years i have had to live, trapped in a neighborhood where i have been getting bullied and terrorized on an almost daily basis for all these long, 19 years....so, it has now affected my physical health to where i now have to become a burden to the doctors. Yes, i may be morbidly obese, with chronic lymphodema on both of my legs...but i am still pretty inside. I still have a personality..i still have a sense of humor, a kind heart, a kind spirit..and a soul. I still have feelings too...feelings which do get hurt.
I thank God that i do belong with all of my wonderful autism community friends here on Facebook..and all of the non-autistic friends i also have here on Facebook.
But to anybody out there who still wants to squelch me and make me feel like i am less than human....i hope you all know that there is indeed a God in Heaven who sees how those of you treat me and try to rob me of my voice and dignity. It is a terrible insult to He who made me this special way.
I so dread having to go to the doctor...because i have yet to find one with whom i feel welcomed by in their office..by all who work there. At one doctor's office i go to, there is a room full of very prominent looking women that i have to walk past when i have to use their restroom....and these ladies all give me real Stink-Eye when i pass their door. They will only half-smile at me, that kind of smile that is very cold and aloof...the kind of smile that tells me that i am someone who is considered "not in their league"...and..i won't pretend that this does not hurt. There are others in this office who are very hurtful towards me too...but i have to go again, so that i can walk on my left foot without twisting up into a pain so terrible that it literally cripples me.
People of this world..please stop trying to take our voice and our dignity away. We who have special needs, are human just like you are. Maybe some of us don't have a nice thin body or whatever.....but that is NO reason to treat us abusively and dismiss and hurry us along like we are a piece of dirt. This world needs to revisit the art of being kind and compassionate.....patient, and accepting. It means embracing people who are of ALL abilities..not just what is considered the norm.
Thank you and God bless you.
·
Black And Gray....With Red-Hot Pain
Black And Gray..With Red-Hot Pain
by Melissa Fields on Saturday, October 16, 2010 at 7:40pm
Depressed...i hurt from all sides tonight..i am in this house all alone....
the air outside is cold and gray...it was a gloomy day today
and the street monsters were all here in the cage across the street
screaming in and out like demon banshees again......i just want to
roll up in a tight ball and fade into the corner and go far away
from here to somewhere where i will feel and have peace...where i can
hear and see water, green lush grass and trees, and hear the birds
singing in those trees..real birds....not the awful sharp hostile
loud crows that come onto this street...i wish i had someone here tonight
to physically talk to and who would take me out of this pit...i wish i could go
somewhere where i could be healed and healthy again....
i so wish my family would see my plight and how deeply they
hurt me by the way they always snub me and turn their backs on me
I just feel so numb with the pain tonight.....
How much longer, Father God, must i endure this?
Please......i want to dream again...please God...take me where i
will shine again!!!!!!!! Primally i scream this to Your very
Throne Of Grace......
God....please, oh, please, make this STOP!!!!!!!!!
In Jesus' awesome name...amen.
·
by Melissa Fields on Saturday, October 16, 2010 at 7:40pm
Depressed...i hurt from all sides tonight..i am in this house all alone....
the air outside is cold and gray...it was a gloomy day today
and the street monsters were all here in the cage across the street
screaming in and out like demon banshees again......i just want to
roll up in a tight ball and fade into the corner and go far away
from here to somewhere where i will feel and have peace...where i can
hear and see water, green lush grass and trees, and hear the birds
singing in those trees..real birds....not the awful sharp hostile
loud crows that come onto this street...i wish i had someone here tonight
to physically talk to and who would take me out of this pit...i wish i could go
somewhere where i could be healed and healthy again....
i so wish my family would see my plight and how deeply they
hurt me by the way they always snub me and turn their backs on me
I just feel so numb with the pain tonight.....
How much longer, Father God, must i endure this?
Please......i want to dream again...please God...take me where i
will shine again!!!!!!!! Primally i scream this to Your very
Throne Of Grace......
God....please, oh, please, make this STOP!!!!!!!!!
In Jesus' awesome name...amen.
·
Ever Since
Ever since i was a little girl
I have always longed to see
so many far-off places, so many new
fresh vistas.....
Though i don't believe in reincarnation
for some strange reason whenever i
have watched TV and seen places like
New York State,
New York City, New England, Michigan,
Wisconsin, the Great Lakes, Ohio,
Pennsylvania, Maryland, Virginia,
and Washington DC....i have always
had the strange feeling that i lived
in these places in other times....
And so it is my fervent dream today
that i will get to someday soon
be able to have the freedom to go
visit these beautiful lands, where they get
to experience all four seasons,
where the food and architecture is even different
Dear God, i know You hear my daily cries
and that someday soon, i will have these dreams
fulfilled, in Jesus name i pray, amen. <3<3<3<3
·
I have always longed to see
so many far-off places, so many new
fresh vistas.....
Though i don't believe in reincarnation
for some strange reason whenever i
have watched TV and seen places like
New York State,
New York City, New England, Michigan,
Wisconsin, the Great Lakes, Ohio,
Pennsylvania, Maryland, Virginia,
and Washington DC....i have always
had the strange feeling that i lived
in these places in other times....
And so it is my fervent dream today
that i will get to someday soon
be able to have the freedom to go
visit these beautiful lands, where they get
to experience all four seasons,
where the food and architecture is even different
Dear God, i know You hear my daily cries
and that someday soon, i will have these dreams
fulfilled, in Jesus name i pray, amen. <3<3<3<3
·
My Father's Love That I Did Not Have
A Father's Love Is So Important--But I Didn't Have My Father's Love & Approval--I Had His Rod!!
by Melissa Fields on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 7:59pm
Today i had a bad nightmare about my strict, stern father. Well, let's put it this way, it wasn't a pleasant dream, but i think i had it for a reason, because my Higher Power, whom i refer to as God, wants me to make peace with my past, once and for all.
When i sleep deeply, i have lots and lots of really vivid dreams..most of them are really pleasant dreams where i am able to escape into them and be somewhere else where i am happy; i even get to travel in alot of these dreams, to places where i have never been, that, in real life, i absolutely dream about visiting.
But sometimes my dreams are not pleasant..like the dream i had today. Sometimes i dream about the very unpleasant things in my life that have happened to me, either in my past, or things that haunt me now.
As most of my friends know, i grew up in an era, the '60's, where not alot was known about high-functioning autism, or that autism is a spectrum of different levels of a very complex disorder.
Because i was highly intelligent from the get-go, my quirks and meltdowns always came as a total shock to all of my family, and i often got misinterpreted and misunderstood as being spoiled and selfish and lazy--and as just a brat.
I was always close to my mother..and my grandmother was very nice too, to a point, but she, also, could never seem to wrap herself around the fact that i was "differently-abled". Neither could my father..and this is why i am writing this note.
My father was a hard-working and very strait-laced Catholic, who came from a family who also had very high standards and ultra-strict morals. He was honest and loyal to his family and wife....in that he treated my mom like gold, provided all of us 7 children with all that we needed..and some of our wants too, and would take us for Sunday drives and picnics every Sunday afternoon/evening.
~~~~ <3<3<3 I always wanted to love my father. <3<3<3 ~~~~
But he was very harsh and had a quick temper and very little tolerance and patience for anything out of the norm. His children were always expected to behave and mind him, but there was little in the way of affection and warm and fuzzyness from this man..or tolerance for anything that he deemed nonesense.
He did have that nice side, but it was only sometimes seen.
We children could never talk or converse at the dinner table, because that seemed to really irritate him.
Too much horseplay, giggling, and running around also irritated him.
When he watched his baseball, football, basketball, auto races, and nightly boxing and wrestling matches...we children had to keep quiet for those too. He had Master Control over the family TV, and we could only watch things that my mom would talk him into letting us watch. He also never believed that we should ever have a color TV, so we never had one. I got to watch color Tv when i'd go to other people's houses, but at home, we were a black and white TV family, whose children also had to be black and white and subdued.
We were never allowed a voice with him..or to debate him, or disagree with him either.
We were all expected to attend 8:00 AM Sunday Mass, or sometimes we'd go on Saturday nights at 6 PM. No ifs ands or buts.
All oif the above behaviors would bring out that ferociously hot, loud, hair-trigger temper..and he would yell SO loudly and SO sharply that it felt like a sharp burning whip to my back..we were always being sent to our rooms as a punishment, and then, if he got pissed off enough, he would give us the awful lickings...."lickin's", is what he would call them...and i can remember LOTS of times where i would actually have huge red welts on my buttocks and thighs from these lickin's; i would always be made to go to my room after these, and i remember sitting there on my bed, sobbing, and trembling in pain and raw fear, with snot pouring out of my little nose, feeling like total worthless garbage. From early on, i knew my daddy hated my guts. And it used to hurt my littele-girl heart so badly, as i would sit on my bed, wondering why my daddy was like this, why he hated me? Mixed in with the smell and taste of my tears, woukld be the afterglow of his scent, which was a mix of tobacco smoke and aftershave, and Brillcream or Vitalis for his hair.
One day as a little tiny girl, i was watching a baseball game with him. We were playing, and laughing...but then all of a sudden he grew angry and pinched me on the arm and yelled at me to "Go away!!" At first i thought he was still palaying..but when he yelled harder and pinched me again, i KNEW he was NOT playing..and off i went down the hall to cry, my little heart and spirit broken again. It was a Sunday, so my mom was at church, so she didn't witness this incident.
One night, he had punished me for making noises he didn't like, so i thought i'd stick my tongue out at him..i did, and told him "I hate you, Daddy!!" He lost it and before i could ge away from him, he lunged at me, yanking me around by my ear, then threw me over his shoulder, and then threw me in my bedroom, where he pulled my pants down, and gave me one of his horrible lickin's.
On another afternoon, i was outside our ranch house in the carport, kneeled at the back of our family station wagon, fascinated with the license plate, so i was playing with it, pretending it was my imaginary friend. This "friend" got mad at me, so i yanked the plate off. My dad came out and saw what i did, and not even bothering to find out why i did that..he again lost it and yanked me by my ears and braids, then picked me up by my arm and threw me onto his green easy chair in the family room, and gave me another awful lickin', which left horrible red raised welts on my buttocks and thighs. my mom tried to stop him, but he wasn't about to stop. he kept hitting me...and it hurt!!!!
There were times that he would be kinda nice, too, like that brief period of time when we were watching that baseball game. When he got a little red Honda motorcycle, he would take me and my siblings for little rides to the end of our street and back. And around the mountain roads on the mountain property we had. And sometimes he would give me a little affectionate hug and kiss. Sometimes he would play the upright piano that was in the dining room of our ranch-style house, and i would be allowed to climb up on the top of the piano to listen to him play and sing his old songs. Sometimes he would take me to get a bunch of popsicle trearts for us kids at the grocery store. Sometimes he'd treat us kids to McDonalds hamburgers and soda pop.
As i grew older, those nice times grew less and less, and the walls between he and i grew taller and deeper.
In June of 1970, after school let out, we moved to our mountain property 22 miles East of town, where he had built a cabin and a Big two-story house two years after that. I had to now attend a country school where there were no more special ed classes for me, and i floundered on all levels there.
It was at this school that i discovered that hair shines in different colors, like almost a rainbow and prism, and boy, after that, i became totally enraptured with shiny hair!!! I just loved to play with the other girls' hair at school recess, and they all let me do so, too, but my sisters would always shoo me away and one of my sisters would actualy yell at me and hit me if i tried to touch her hair. I was teased mercilessly for this, by alot of the kids at school...but my father's reaction to this new quirk of mine, was to always yell at me for looking at my shines in my hair.... i wuld actually sit there on our country living room couch, and pull my hair in front of my eyes to look at the beautiful shines in it, and i'd do this, it seemed, like for hours on end. But because this was not normal to my daddy, he started threatening to take the cow clippers to my hair and give me a buzz-cut if i didn;t stop playing with my hair. And he was NOT joking!!
Neither was he joking when he kept after me for the arm-swinging (stimming) i was doing. He kept threatening that he would make me stay in my room ALL DAY LONG, if i kept this up..and because this was stimming that i was doing....i couldn't stop it..and he made good on his threat one Sunday after church when he caught me behind an old house trailer we had in our bacxkyard, swinging my arms in private, so as to not have HIM see me and punish me!! Well, that didn't matter to my dad, and i had to spend the whole rest of that day in my befroom..so, no playing Tonka trucks with my little brother that day..however, i was allowed to go with him and my mom to a nearby ranch several times that day as an outing, so that i wasn't having to be in my room all the time..and i was also allowed to go to the bathroom too.
My mom was able to talk my dad into relenting and letting me go on the little mini-trips to the ranch, where my dad was taking care of some livestock for the owners, who were away that weekend. Because she felt his punishment was too unreasonable and harsh.
From 6th through 9th grade, i withdrew into a quiet shell, so as to not upset anyone. Oh, i still talked and interracted with everyone but i moved heaven and earth to be as non-obtrusive as possible so as not to piss off my dad and make people call me different anymore. I also stopped liking country and western music in the 6th grade, which also irritated my strait-laced father, because he now hated rock music..even the lighter pop Top 40 tunes!! He and my brothers and one of my sisters all called it hippie music now....and i was now a litle mini-hippie-teenager in the 6th grade!!
I did discover, too, that i had allies in my mom and two of my older sisters, and they would allow me to sneak my music when the others weren't around. But my brothers were also alot like my father, very harsh and rigid, too.....and i never got along with them either. Nor the one sister who had the long silky shiny hair.
I felt so stifled and oppressed growing up. Never allowed to have a voice and never allowed to be me....
And as my older siblings became teenagers..guess what? My intolerant father began letting them have more privileges. They could now talk and joke with my father, even at the dinner table..and even my little brother began doing the same!!!!! He could get away with anything!!!
But i was still being squelched by my daddy!!!!
Needless to say, i grew to have an intense HATE for my father. Even as i still had to live at home with my parents through my twenties, i still had a very stilted, stiff relationship with my father.
When i was a sophomore in high school, my father was eatting a box of Sees candy in front of all of us, and wouldn't offer us any. Most of the time he would offer us a few pieces. But this night he wouldn't, and my mom pled with him to pass the box around. My older brother jokingly called him mean, and he laughed and shrugged and continued to eat his candy. I chimed in, agreeing with my brother..."Yeah, Daddy, you're mean!!" THAT did NOT fly with daddy..he immediately yelled "Hey, young lady, you nincompoop, GO TO YOUR ROOM!!!!"
My mom goes: "Dad, she was just joking!!"
His loud retort: "Well, I"M not joking!!! She needs to shut her smart mouth!!"
In My Sophomore year of high school i ran away three timnes toi try to get away from my hateful father and narrow-minded family.
Even after high school, when i got a small job cleaning house for a doctor and his wife and their boy..i wanted to wash my hair one Sunday afternoon, but he was eatting dinner, and would not allow it, said it would upset him to have me do that, to wait till the next day. I told him that i would have to get up earlier than normal to do it then, and he lost it, and started to lunge at me...i tried to run out the door, and he caught me by my hair and, literally screaming in my ear, yanked me inside the cabin, and to my room, where he roared at me that he wanted no more flack from me ever again..that he was fed up with me and would not tolrerate anything from me anymore..i felt that he was actually going to KILLL me that night. I manged to escape out my window and go to the Big House, where i called the doctor and his wife, and they let me come over and spend the night. After that, i moved my bedroom out to the Big House and got away from him that way. I didn;t speak to him for a long time after that incident with my hair.
Then, in the summer of 1983, when i was going to go on a trip to Indiana to visit friends, he came home one evening from work, my mom and i had been shopping in town that day, and we were unloading the family station wagon..and being i was so excited about my trip, i was in a friendly mood, so i asked him how his day at work went.
" I DON'T THINK THAT'S ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS!!", was his snotty reply, as he slammed shut the refrigerator door, my mouth popped open in utter shock, and i turned on my heel and ran out to my grandma's room which was downstairs in the Big House, running into her open arms, sobbing, my heart broken yet again by my daddy. My grandmother was shocked and upset too...she and my mother both felt he was out of line.
Many other simliar incidents followed, until one day in 1986, he and my mom saw a man with an oversized white cross walking down Broadway Street as they were stopped at a traffic light...and my father suddenly told my mother that he realized that he wasn't being kind to me. He told her that day that he was goi ng to make a concerted effort at being nicer to me. He did get alot nicer after that..but i still was afraid of his temper, because he would still get grumpy with me, so i still stayed my distance from him.
After all of our black and white TVs finally died and couldn't be fixed anymore, he finally went for a new 19-inch color set for him and my mom. Since i was now on SSI, i also had my own 17-inch color TV and a stereo now too..and i now had my bedroom out in the big house across the yard from my mom and dad's cabin, so i could stay seperated from him and have my music. But then, he started asking me to let him watch Monday Night Football on my TV, so my mom could watch The Bob Newhart Show..so i let him do that..with the provision that he not touch my rock posters that i had all over the walls of my sanctuary. Or my stereo. I had to have my mom tell him, because i was still not comfortable talking directly to him. He still would threaten to take his shotgun to my posters though, and kept accusing me of being a bad person just because i loved hard rock and heavy metal.
In 1987, i was finally able to move back into town next to two old ladies, a mother and her daughter, and they and their family and i became very close..and i began going to their Southern Baptist church and making more friends and blossoming out more. My dad and i would see each other on occasion, and he was always so nice to me now....but, still, i would never let my guard down, because..the damage had already been done...
My father had a stroke in 1989..and alot of his behavior reverted back to the old meaner version of Daddy again. But he also became less of a threat to me physically, so his and my blowouts were different now in that i could now tell him off and he'd shut his mouth. it still affected me, though, that he was always wanting to be harder on me than the others. I no longer hated my father..but i still wasn't close to him.
He died in February 2000.
Since then, he has periodically come to me in my dreams, sometimes they are peaceful dreams, where he is uber nice and accepts me and my music and ways of thinking..and other times he is the old mean daddy who would break my heart into little tiny pieces, time and tine again.
My father was a very good-looking teenager and still was good-looking in his twenties and thirties.
~~~~ <3<3<3 I wanted my father to love me...and he just couldn't do it.... <3<3<3 ~~~~
In the dream i had of him today, he was in his thirties and it was 1967 again...i had gone to the store to get the family groceries. Only i had gotten the wrong kind of milk, and my father didn't like that, and began lecturing me in his loud voicxe, and in this dream, i was fed up. I turned around and stood up for myself....and..THIS time, as i looked deep into his handsome blue eyes and spoke from my heart, telling him how hurtful he was being to me, that i am a human being...HE LISTENED.
If only he would have listened to me when i was a little child...back when it still mattered to me.
by Melissa Fields on Wednesday, July 28, 2010 at 7:59pm
Today i had a bad nightmare about my strict, stern father. Well, let's put it this way, it wasn't a pleasant dream, but i think i had it for a reason, because my Higher Power, whom i refer to as God, wants me to make peace with my past, once and for all.
When i sleep deeply, i have lots and lots of really vivid dreams..most of them are really pleasant dreams where i am able to escape into them and be somewhere else where i am happy; i even get to travel in alot of these dreams, to places where i have never been, that, in real life, i absolutely dream about visiting.
But sometimes my dreams are not pleasant..like the dream i had today. Sometimes i dream about the very unpleasant things in my life that have happened to me, either in my past, or things that haunt me now.
As most of my friends know, i grew up in an era, the '60's, where not alot was known about high-functioning autism, or that autism is a spectrum of different levels of a very complex disorder.
Because i was highly intelligent from the get-go, my quirks and meltdowns always came as a total shock to all of my family, and i often got misinterpreted and misunderstood as being spoiled and selfish and lazy--and as just a brat.
I was always close to my mother..and my grandmother was very nice too, to a point, but she, also, could never seem to wrap herself around the fact that i was "differently-abled". Neither could my father..and this is why i am writing this note.
My father was a hard-working and very strait-laced Catholic, who came from a family who also had very high standards and ultra-strict morals. He was honest and loyal to his family and wife....in that he treated my mom like gold, provided all of us 7 children with all that we needed..and some of our wants too, and would take us for Sunday drives and picnics every Sunday afternoon/evening.
~~~~ <3<3<3 I always wanted to love my father. <3<3<3 ~~~~
But he was very harsh and had a quick temper and very little tolerance and patience for anything out of the norm. His children were always expected to behave and mind him, but there was little in the way of affection and warm and fuzzyness from this man..or tolerance for anything that he deemed nonesense.
He did have that nice side, but it was only sometimes seen.
We children could never talk or converse at the dinner table, because that seemed to really irritate him.
Too much horseplay, giggling, and running around also irritated him.
When he watched his baseball, football, basketball, auto races, and nightly boxing and wrestling matches...we children had to keep quiet for those too. He had Master Control over the family TV, and we could only watch things that my mom would talk him into letting us watch. He also never believed that we should ever have a color TV, so we never had one. I got to watch color Tv when i'd go to other people's houses, but at home, we were a black and white TV family, whose children also had to be black and white and subdued.
We were never allowed a voice with him..or to debate him, or disagree with him either.
We were all expected to attend 8:00 AM Sunday Mass, or sometimes we'd go on Saturday nights at 6 PM. No ifs ands or buts.
All oif the above behaviors would bring out that ferociously hot, loud, hair-trigger temper..and he would yell SO loudly and SO sharply that it felt like a sharp burning whip to my back..we were always being sent to our rooms as a punishment, and then, if he got pissed off enough, he would give us the awful lickings...."lickin's", is what he would call them...and i can remember LOTS of times where i would actually have huge red welts on my buttocks and thighs from these lickin's; i would always be made to go to my room after these, and i remember sitting there on my bed, sobbing, and trembling in pain and raw fear, with snot pouring out of my little nose, feeling like total worthless garbage. From early on, i knew my daddy hated my guts. And it used to hurt my littele-girl heart so badly, as i would sit on my bed, wondering why my daddy was like this, why he hated me? Mixed in with the smell and taste of my tears, woukld be the afterglow of his scent, which was a mix of tobacco smoke and aftershave, and Brillcream or Vitalis for his hair.
One day as a little tiny girl, i was watching a baseball game with him. We were playing, and laughing...but then all of a sudden he grew angry and pinched me on the arm and yelled at me to "Go away!!" At first i thought he was still palaying..but when he yelled harder and pinched me again, i KNEW he was NOT playing..and off i went down the hall to cry, my little heart and spirit broken again. It was a Sunday, so my mom was at church, so she didn't witness this incident.
One night, he had punished me for making noises he didn't like, so i thought i'd stick my tongue out at him..i did, and told him "I hate you, Daddy!!" He lost it and before i could ge away from him, he lunged at me, yanking me around by my ear, then threw me over his shoulder, and then threw me in my bedroom, where he pulled my pants down, and gave me one of his horrible lickin's.
On another afternoon, i was outside our ranch house in the carport, kneeled at the back of our family station wagon, fascinated with the license plate, so i was playing with it, pretending it was my imaginary friend. This "friend" got mad at me, so i yanked the plate off. My dad came out and saw what i did, and not even bothering to find out why i did that..he again lost it and yanked me by my ears and braids, then picked me up by my arm and threw me onto his green easy chair in the family room, and gave me another awful lickin', which left horrible red raised welts on my buttocks and thighs. my mom tried to stop him, but he wasn't about to stop. he kept hitting me...and it hurt!!!!
There were times that he would be kinda nice, too, like that brief period of time when we were watching that baseball game. When he got a little red Honda motorcycle, he would take me and my siblings for little rides to the end of our street and back. And around the mountain roads on the mountain property we had. And sometimes he would give me a little affectionate hug and kiss. Sometimes he would play the upright piano that was in the dining room of our ranch-style house, and i would be allowed to climb up on the top of the piano to listen to him play and sing his old songs. Sometimes he would take me to get a bunch of popsicle trearts for us kids at the grocery store. Sometimes he'd treat us kids to McDonalds hamburgers and soda pop.
As i grew older, those nice times grew less and less, and the walls between he and i grew taller and deeper.
In June of 1970, after school let out, we moved to our mountain property 22 miles East of town, where he had built a cabin and a Big two-story house two years after that. I had to now attend a country school where there were no more special ed classes for me, and i floundered on all levels there.
It was at this school that i discovered that hair shines in different colors, like almost a rainbow and prism, and boy, after that, i became totally enraptured with shiny hair!!! I just loved to play with the other girls' hair at school recess, and they all let me do so, too, but my sisters would always shoo me away and one of my sisters would actualy yell at me and hit me if i tried to touch her hair. I was teased mercilessly for this, by alot of the kids at school...but my father's reaction to this new quirk of mine, was to always yell at me for looking at my shines in my hair.... i wuld actually sit there on our country living room couch, and pull my hair in front of my eyes to look at the beautiful shines in it, and i'd do this, it seemed, like for hours on end. But because this was not normal to my daddy, he started threatening to take the cow clippers to my hair and give me a buzz-cut if i didn;t stop playing with my hair. And he was NOT joking!!
Neither was he joking when he kept after me for the arm-swinging (stimming) i was doing. He kept threatening that he would make me stay in my room ALL DAY LONG, if i kept this up..and because this was stimming that i was doing....i couldn't stop it..and he made good on his threat one Sunday after church when he caught me behind an old house trailer we had in our bacxkyard, swinging my arms in private, so as to not have HIM see me and punish me!! Well, that didn't matter to my dad, and i had to spend the whole rest of that day in my befroom..so, no playing Tonka trucks with my little brother that day..however, i was allowed to go with him and my mom to a nearby ranch several times that day as an outing, so that i wasn't having to be in my room all the time..and i was also allowed to go to the bathroom too.
My mom was able to talk my dad into relenting and letting me go on the little mini-trips to the ranch, where my dad was taking care of some livestock for the owners, who were away that weekend. Because she felt his punishment was too unreasonable and harsh.
From 6th through 9th grade, i withdrew into a quiet shell, so as to not upset anyone. Oh, i still talked and interracted with everyone but i moved heaven and earth to be as non-obtrusive as possible so as not to piss off my dad and make people call me different anymore. I also stopped liking country and western music in the 6th grade, which also irritated my strait-laced father, because he now hated rock music..even the lighter pop Top 40 tunes!! He and my brothers and one of my sisters all called it hippie music now....and i was now a litle mini-hippie-teenager in the 6th grade!!
I did discover, too, that i had allies in my mom and two of my older sisters, and they would allow me to sneak my music when the others weren't around. But my brothers were also alot like my father, very harsh and rigid, too.....and i never got along with them either. Nor the one sister who had the long silky shiny hair.
I felt so stifled and oppressed growing up. Never allowed to have a voice and never allowed to be me....
And as my older siblings became teenagers..guess what? My intolerant father began letting them have more privileges. They could now talk and joke with my father, even at the dinner table..and even my little brother began doing the same!!!!! He could get away with anything!!!
But i was still being squelched by my daddy!!!!
Needless to say, i grew to have an intense HATE for my father. Even as i still had to live at home with my parents through my twenties, i still had a very stilted, stiff relationship with my father.
When i was a sophomore in high school, my father was eatting a box of Sees candy in front of all of us, and wouldn't offer us any. Most of the time he would offer us a few pieces. But this night he wouldn't, and my mom pled with him to pass the box around. My older brother jokingly called him mean, and he laughed and shrugged and continued to eat his candy. I chimed in, agreeing with my brother..."Yeah, Daddy, you're mean!!" THAT did NOT fly with daddy..he immediately yelled "Hey, young lady, you nincompoop, GO TO YOUR ROOM!!!!"
My mom goes: "Dad, she was just joking!!"
His loud retort: "Well, I"M not joking!!! She needs to shut her smart mouth!!"
In My Sophomore year of high school i ran away three timnes toi try to get away from my hateful father and narrow-minded family.
Even after high school, when i got a small job cleaning house for a doctor and his wife and their boy..i wanted to wash my hair one Sunday afternoon, but he was eatting dinner, and would not allow it, said it would upset him to have me do that, to wait till the next day. I told him that i would have to get up earlier than normal to do it then, and he lost it, and started to lunge at me...i tried to run out the door, and he caught me by my hair and, literally screaming in my ear, yanked me inside the cabin, and to my room, where he roared at me that he wanted no more flack from me ever again..that he was fed up with me and would not tolrerate anything from me anymore..i felt that he was actually going to KILLL me that night. I manged to escape out my window and go to the Big House, where i called the doctor and his wife, and they let me come over and spend the night. After that, i moved my bedroom out to the Big House and got away from him that way. I didn;t speak to him for a long time after that incident with my hair.
Then, in the summer of 1983, when i was going to go on a trip to Indiana to visit friends, he came home one evening from work, my mom and i had been shopping in town that day, and we were unloading the family station wagon..and being i was so excited about my trip, i was in a friendly mood, so i asked him how his day at work went.
" I DON'T THINK THAT'S ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS!!", was his snotty reply, as he slammed shut the refrigerator door, my mouth popped open in utter shock, and i turned on my heel and ran out to my grandma's room which was downstairs in the Big House, running into her open arms, sobbing, my heart broken yet again by my daddy. My grandmother was shocked and upset too...she and my mother both felt he was out of line.
Many other simliar incidents followed, until one day in 1986, he and my mom saw a man with an oversized white cross walking down Broadway Street as they were stopped at a traffic light...and my father suddenly told my mother that he realized that he wasn't being kind to me. He told her that day that he was goi ng to make a concerted effort at being nicer to me. He did get alot nicer after that..but i still was afraid of his temper, because he would still get grumpy with me, so i still stayed my distance from him.
After all of our black and white TVs finally died and couldn't be fixed anymore, he finally went for a new 19-inch color set for him and my mom. Since i was now on SSI, i also had my own 17-inch color TV and a stereo now too..and i now had my bedroom out in the big house across the yard from my mom and dad's cabin, so i could stay seperated from him and have my music. But then, he started asking me to let him watch Monday Night Football on my TV, so my mom could watch The Bob Newhart Show..so i let him do that..with the provision that he not touch my rock posters that i had all over the walls of my sanctuary. Or my stereo. I had to have my mom tell him, because i was still not comfortable talking directly to him. He still would threaten to take his shotgun to my posters though, and kept accusing me of being a bad person just because i loved hard rock and heavy metal.
In 1987, i was finally able to move back into town next to two old ladies, a mother and her daughter, and they and their family and i became very close..and i began going to their Southern Baptist church and making more friends and blossoming out more. My dad and i would see each other on occasion, and he was always so nice to me now....but, still, i would never let my guard down, because..the damage had already been done...
My father had a stroke in 1989..and alot of his behavior reverted back to the old meaner version of Daddy again. But he also became less of a threat to me physically, so his and my blowouts were different now in that i could now tell him off and he'd shut his mouth. it still affected me, though, that he was always wanting to be harder on me than the others. I no longer hated my father..but i still wasn't close to him.
He died in February 2000.
Since then, he has periodically come to me in my dreams, sometimes they are peaceful dreams, where he is uber nice and accepts me and my music and ways of thinking..and other times he is the old mean daddy who would break my heart into little tiny pieces, time and tine again.
My father was a very good-looking teenager and still was good-looking in his twenties and thirties.
~~~~ <3<3<3 I wanted my father to love me...and he just couldn't do it.... <3<3<3 ~~~~
In the dream i had of him today, he was in his thirties and it was 1967 again...i had gone to the store to get the family groceries. Only i had gotten the wrong kind of milk, and my father didn't like that, and began lecturing me in his loud voicxe, and in this dream, i was fed up. I turned around and stood up for myself....and..THIS time, as i looked deep into his handsome blue eyes and spoke from my heart, telling him how hurtful he was being to me, that i am a human being...HE LISTENED.
If only he would have listened to me when i was a little child...back when it still mattered to me.
Not Welcome In My Own Hometown
You know, it really pains me that in this day, that people can still get away with trying to squelch and silence those of us who are differently-abled. It is so nice that i have been able tgo find all kinds of really awesome autism community friends through facebook....but....when i knock on the door of my local home turf...the doors stay shut tight to me.
Through Facebook i have heard of wonderful kind doctors, wonderful families and communities..which have all embraced their autistic patients, citizens, siblings, sons and daughters and so on. Yet, here i sit by my computer....as i try to reach out locally....i get shut down, dissed and pushed aside....
I am so very tired today....if i could, i would pack my car up and get in it and just leave...i would leave this whole state for a state where my friends live, where i can get help....where i can get far far away from all those mean men who taunt me everyday with their loud motors.
The media here all turn a deaf ear to me. So does my city's mayor and city council and city officials. Nobody seems to want to give me the hand-up i am asking for....which is mainly good medical care, and for those mean bully konsters to be made to leave me alone.......
I don't know how much longer i can last like this...God please hear from above..and get me to that open door so that i can leave this hell-hole and go far far away.......
Through Facebook i have heard of wonderful kind doctors, wonderful families and communities..which have all embraced their autistic patients, citizens, siblings, sons and daughters and so on. Yet, here i sit by my computer....as i try to reach out locally....i get shut down, dissed and pushed aside....
I am so very tired today....if i could, i would pack my car up and get in it and just leave...i would leave this whole state for a state where my friends live, where i can get help....where i can get far far away from all those mean men who taunt me everyday with their loud motors.
The media here all turn a deaf ear to me. So does my city's mayor and city council and city officials. Nobody seems to want to give me the hand-up i am asking for....which is mainly good medical care, and for those mean bully konsters to be made to leave me alone.......
I don't know how much longer i can last like this...God please hear from above..and get me to that open door so that i can leave this hell-hole and go far far away.......
Saturday, August 14, 2010
The Scathing Hell Continues
It is Saturday..it is mid-August..and i am still here. The mean bully monsters are across the street again, working on a classic car and are bothering me because they won't respect my desire for at least a weekend of relief and peace from the loud hot rod noises and smells and their nastiness...i wish i just had somdeone to come here to help me with my computer issues when they occur...all of my close friends are on Facebook and live all over the US and in the UK and Australia and a few other places..but i can't seem to find friends here who get my autism like my autism community friends do on Facebook who all live so far away. I still do not feel that i can get on the phone to call on the brother that lives here in Santa Maria..i feel so alone today, and like this is never ever going to end.
I was just talking to my neighbor, the nice one who is my friend, last night..and i was telling him that i am actually housebound in the daytimes due to the mean bully monsters and their terrorism against me!!! And...this is true..i AM!!!! I am literally afraid to go anywhere or even be outside in my front yard becasue i will get taunted and yelled at....and they will honk their horns and rev their loud engines at me just to hear me scream and have a meltdown..and then they sit and laugh at me when i have those meltdowns....God, this is HELL!!!!! Hell in its purest form, right here on earth!!!!
Yes, this is what it is like to be a middle-aged adult who is autistic and who cannot get the help and supports she needs so she can finally work on having her physical health back, and a decent life off of all these scary government programs.
And...on and on this goes.
I was just talking to my neighbor, the nice one who is my friend, last night..and i was telling him that i am actually housebound in the daytimes due to the mean bully monsters and their terrorism against me!!! And...this is true..i AM!!!! I am literally afraid to go anywhere or even be outside in my front yard becasue i will get taunted and yelled at....and they will honk their horns and rev their loud engines at me just to hear me scream and have a meltdown..and then they sit and laugh at me when i have those meltdowns....God, this is HELL!!!!! Hell in its purest form, right here on earth!!!!
Yes, this is what it is like to be a middle-aged adult who is autistic and who cannot get the help and supports she needs so she can finally work on having her physical health back, and a decent life off of all these scary government programs.
And...on and on this goes.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Cloudy, Cool, Muggy Sunday
Before i begin today's blog entry, i want to first put this disclaimer out there..i am not doing this as a negative rant..and i apologize that these blogs are always like this, so negative....but this is how life is for an autistic adult who cannot get help and support....even from her own family.
Today is Sunday..it is cool, but muggy..and cloudy, too, with a slight chance of thunderstorms here in Cali. My street today..is quiet, thank God. I am usually asleeep right now, but i can't at this time, so, i have decided to write.
How am i doing today? I am tired....i am mentally and physically very tired....the heel of my left foot is hurting badly again,....and both of my legs feel like huge tree trunks. I am once again sleeping days and getting up at about two, three or four in the afternoon, and staying up all night, because the nights are so, so quiet. My days....continue to be sheer hell, because of the relentless loud meanness from the mean bully monsters at the auto repair shop across the street, as they continue to level their intolerance and hate my way. I am sure that i have gained 5 more pounds in the past week..because i feel heavier than i did before. My couch that i sit and sleep on, is all broken down to where i now have sores on the backs of my thighs....you see, i have to sleep sitting up and back on my couch, because i can no longer sleeep laying down on my bed in my bedroom. I actually sometimes now have dreams that i am sleeping in my bed again, all cozy and warm and comfortable....and it is such a good feeling....even if it's just a dream....
I still do not hear from my aunt who said back in May that she would help me make a move...i am now told that she won't help me at all, because she feels that i am "too needy". She even told this person that she was talking to about my situation, that she can see why my brothers, my two sisters in laws, two sisters and my neices, all have nothing to do with me....because of the fact that, as a special needs autistic adult, i do have alot of needs.
I am still unable to find a good medical doctor that will help me to get my legs and feet back...that will even help me so that i can at least have a handicapped sticker so i can park where i can easily get right in and out of the stores i go to, to do my grocery and neccessity shopping. Or someone to come in and give me respite care so i can function better.
It has gotten even harder for me to move around my house. I feel like i am eighty years old, even though i am still kind of youngish in age. I am actually afraid that i will fall and break a hip when i take a shower, or that i will fall on the front steps that lead to my house. My knees always hurt, my back and hips hurt too. I feel weighed way down..and the only reason that i keep going on and on and on, is because, after all of this, i still have my faith in God...and i still have the hope that someday, SOMEDAY, i will have my miracle!!!!! I pray everyday that God will soften the hard cold hearts of my aunt and uncle...and those of my other family members who also won't have anything to do with me because of my autism.
Yes....this is what it is like for an autistic adult who cannot get help or support even from her family.
I pray that my story will get published soon....i pray that this blog will be read by someone who will have the means to help me...because it is a horrible, awful feeling to feel like life has passed you by at the young age of fifty.
Today is Sunday..it is cool, but muggy..and cloudy, too, with a slight chance of thunderstorms here in Cali. My street today..is quiet, thank God. I am usually asleeep right now, but i can't at this time, so, i have decided to write.
How am i doing today? I am tired....i am mentally and physically very tired....the heel of my left foot is hurting badly again,....and both of my legs feel like huge tree trunks. I am once again sleeping days and getting up at about two, three or four in the afternoon, and staying up all night, because the nights are so, so quiet. My days....continue to be sheer hell, because of the relentless loud meanness from the mean bully monsters at the auto repair shop across the street, as they continue to level their intolerance and hate my way. I am sure that i have gained 5 more pounds in the past week..because i feel heavier than i did before. My couch that i sit and sleep on, is all broken down to where i now have sores on the backs of my thighs....you see, i have to sleep sitting up and back on my couch, because i can no longer sleeep laying down on my bed in my bedroom. I actually sometimes now have dreams that i am sleeping in my bed again, all cozy and warm and comfortable....and it is such a good feeling....even if it's just a dream....
I still do not hear from my aunt who said back in May that she would help me make a move...i am now told that she won't help me at all, because she feels that i am "too needy". She even told this person that she was talking to about my situation, that she can see why my brothers, my two sisters in laws, two sisters and my neices, all have nothing to do with me....because of the fact that, as a special needs autistic adult, i do have alot of needs.
I am still unable to find a good medical doctor that will help me to get my legs and feet back...that will even help me so that i can at least have a handicapped sticker so i can park where i can easily get right in and out of the stores i go to, to do my grocery and neccessity shopping. Or someone to come in and give me respite care so i can function better.
It has gotten even harder for me to move around my house. I feel like i am eighty years old, even though i am still kind of youngish in age. I am actually afraid that i will fall and break a hip when i take a shower, or that i will fall on the front steps that lead to my house. My knees always hurt, my back and hips hurt too. I feel weighed way down..and the only reason that i keep going on and on and on, is because, after all of this, i still have my faith in God...and i still have the hope that someday, SOMEDAY, i will have my miracle!!!!! I pray everyday that God will soften the hard cold hearts of my aunt and uncle...and those of my other family members who also won't have anything to do with me because of my autism.
Yes....this is what it is like for an autistic adult who cannot get help or support even from her family.
I pray that my story will get published soon....i pray that this blog will be read by someone who will have the means to help me...because it is a horrible, awful feeling to feel like life has passed you by at the young age of fifty.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Wake my Family Up, Lord...
Wake my family up, Lord, before it is too late
and the gates close tight upon them!!
Tear down the walls that divide us...and make it so hard
for me to even TALK to them in a normal phone conversation!!
It makes me wonder, Lord, why You chose to put me in a family
with such narrow, and intolerant spirits!!
This afternoon, all i did was call my sister, MJ,..only to find out
if my mom was still there at her house..and MJ yelled at me, for
no reason at all..shouting me down so loudly and so harshly
that i was suddenly put back in that awful, degrading mold of
that little dirty child---yes, yesterday's waste...that child
who was always so wrong, always in the way, all the time,...
that child who never had a right to even say hello to them
..who never had a right to have her own opinions..or to make
her own mind up on matters of politics or music, or TV shows...
my way of thinking was always so wrong, or too weird and "out there"
for them....like it was always such a crime---and---i so dread the
times that i have to call MJ---
because she never says "Hello, Melissa, how are you today?
It's so good to hear from you!" Instead, she answers the phone always,
with a very harsh, loud, hot and bothered "YEAH!!!!!", when she sees it
is me on the other end of the line--and then, she proceeds to talk AT me,
in a voice that continues to be so loud, so rude, and actually irritated--
that i am even DARING to call her--like i just commited this awful crime
by calling her!!!
I am not allowed to have MJ's e-mail address, and she will also not allow
me to friend her on Facebook!! When i went to friend my sister-in-law, J,
my brother, E's wife, on Facebook---she, too, declined my request--
--instantly!! This same thing happened when i tried to friend another neice and another sister-in-law on Facebook.
My little brother, MC, even told my mom five years ago, that the family BBQ's would all have to stop if i were to move up to Idaho---
because i would cause too many upsets!!! My aunt also seems to think that it is perfectly okay for me to remain right where i am, with no services, no healthcare, no dental care, no respite care or autism supports--no way to pursue my lifelong dreams and goals!!!
I do have a brother who lives here--and am invited to his and his family's home for Christmas Eve dinner and they are always very generous with me on that one night each year. But there are walls between he and i too, where i cannot talk to him
either...and...this hurts, because i am so open--and am so used to being open with people!!! I also have two other sisters who have also mostly always been kind to me--but--there are walls between me and them too.
I have always felt very much like i have had to be something i am not in my family
in order to survive being there!! Why, Lord??? WHY?????
Dear Lord----what did i do to deserve this????!!!!
All i can come up with for an answer --is that i am different---i am what is called
"differently-abled" than they all are!!!!
I am not a redneck or a cowboy like they are!!
I am not into horses or big huge 4X4 pickups
or country and western music and John Wayne or
Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns or hunting or guns--
--and--i also happen to be autistic too!!!!!
THOSE, dear Lord, are the ONLY "CRIMES" that i have committed in this family.....
....and...to this day, i pay dearly for being this way!!!
How, then, do i go on, can i go on, knowing that i will
evidently always be viewed as a curse to my family----as
just yesterday's waste? It is ONLY BECAUSE You, Lord, have chosen to put
some groups and some areas of people in my life who ARE sweet angels who accept me
for the unique person i am....people who show me that i DO matter
that is why i am still here....still alive and willing to put up with all the garbage
that comes along with the little oasises of good that i have in my life!!
It is because of the beutiful sunrises and sunsets that i
sometimes get to see..and the beautiful Christian rock
that i can hear streaming on my computer every night...
and Your LOVE, Lord, Your LOVE so UN-conditional---
plus the fact that my life here on this Earth
has been such agony and hell already--
that i am too much of a chicken to even consider suicide as a way out
because i am too afraid that if i did try to take my own life--that You would
be so angry and hurt that i would be sent to the real hell--where i will have a whole ETERNITY of this same hell and agony--except minus all the good that i do have now!!!
Still, dear Lord, it is so hard...and as i fight back huge, hot tears of fresh hurt, fresh rejection,....i pray this fervent prayer to Your throne of grace tonight
that You will convict all of the hardened hearts of my family as to what they are doing to me by continuing to treat me like this!!
I am NOT a monster!!
I am NOT mean!!
I am NOT selfish
or lazy
or spoiled
or crazy
or mad!!!!
I AM AUTISTIC!!!!!
I was BORN this way...and i will DIE this way....
unless YOU supernaturally heal me, Lord!!!!!
My family...do not realize the heart of gold that i have,
or the sense of humor or intelligence and unique ways i have---
because, to this very day, they keep the walls up...
they keep me shut out..and shut down...
they STILL will not allow me to be myself around them!!
I am expected to jump through certain hoops when around them
..and if i can't do it..i am cast off to the side like a
wallflower at a high school dance!!
Please, dear Lord, i pray, in Jesus' Holy and Wonderful Name
Please soften the hearts of my family--please tear down the walls that bind them
please deliver them from the spirit of fear and intolerance and heal their hearts so that there will be patience and acceptance towards me instead of the harshness and coldness...please, Lord, do this before it is too late!!!!!
This i pray, in Jesus' name,.....
......AMEN!!!!!!
and the gates close tight upon them!!
Tear down the walls that divide us...and make it so hard
for me to even TALK to them in a normal phone conversation!!
It makes me wonder, Lord, why You chose to put me in a family
with such narrow, and intolerant spirits!!
This afternoon, all i did was call my sister, MJ,..only to find out
if my mom was still there at her house..and MJ yelled at me, for
no reason at all..shouting me down so loudly and so harshly
that i was suddenly put back in that awful, degrading mold of
that little dirty child---yes, yesterday's waste...that child
who was always so wrong, always in the way, all the time,...
that child who never had a right to even say hello to them
..who never had a right to have her own opinions..or to make
her own mind up on matters of politics or music, or TV shows...
my way of thinking was always so wrong, or too weird and "out there"
for them....like it was always such a crime---and---i so dread the
times that i have to call MJ---
because she never says "Hello, Melissa, how are you today?
It's so good to hear from you!" Instead, she answers the phone always,
with a very harsh, loud, hot and bothered "YEAH!!!!!", when she sees it
is me on the other end of the line--and then, she proceeds to talk AT me,
in a voice that continues to be so loud, so rude, and actually irritated--
that i am even DARING to call her--like i just commited this awful crime
by calling her!!!
I am not allowed to have MJ's e-mail address, and she will also not allow
me to friend her on Facebook!! When i went to friend my sister-in-law, J,
my brother, E's wife, on Facebook---she, too, declined my request--
--instantly!! This same thing happened when i tried to friend another neice and another sister-in-law on Facebook.
My little brother, MC, even told my mom five years ago, that the family BBQ's would all have to stop if i were to move up to Idaho---
because i would cause too many upsets!!! My aunt also seems to think that it is perfectly okay for me to remain right where i am, with no services, no healthcare, no dental care, no respite care or autism supports--no way to pursue my lifelong dreams and goals!!!
I do have a brother who lives here--and am invited to his and his family's home for Christmas Eve dinner and they are always very generous with me on that one night each year. But there are walls between he and i too, where i cannot talk to him
either...and...this hurts, because i am so open--and am so used to being open with people!!! I also have two other sisters who have also mostly always been kind to me--but--there are walls between me and them too.
I have always felt very much like i have had to be something i am not in my family
in order to survive being there!! Why, Lord??? WHY?????
Dear Lord----what did i do to deserve this????!!!!
All i can come up with for an answer --is that i am different---i am what is called
"differently-abled" than they all are!!!!
I am not a redneck or a cowboy like they are!!
I am not into horses or big huge 4X4 pickups
or country and western music and John Wayne or
Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns or hunting or guns--
--and--i also happen to be autistic too!!!!!
THOSE, dear Lord, are the ONLY "CRIMES" that i have committed in this family.....
....and...to this day, i pay dearly for being this way!!!
How, then, do i go on, can i go on, knowing that i will
evidently always be viewed as a curse to my family----as
just yesterday's waste? It is ONLY BECAUSE You, Lord, have chosen to put
some groups and some areas of people in my life who ARE sweet angels who accept me
for the unique person i am....people who show me that i DO matter
that is why i am still here....still alive and willing to put up with all the garbage
that comes along with the little oasises of good that i have in my life!!
It is because of the beutiful sunrises and sunsets that i
sometimes get to see..and the beautiful Christian rock
that i can hear streaming on my computer every night...
and Your LOVE, Lord, Your LOVE so UN-conditional---
plus the fact that my life here on this Earth
has been such agony and hell already--
that i am too much of a chicken to even consider suicide as a way out
because i am too afraid that if i did try to take my own life--that You would
be so angry and hurt that i would be sent to the real hell--where i will have a whole ETERNITY of this same hell and agony--except minus all the good that i do have now!!!
Still, dear Lord, it is so hard...and as i fight back huge, hot tears of fresh hurt, fresh rejection,....i pray this fervent prayer to Your throne of grace tonight
that You will convict all of the hardened hearts of my family as to what they are doing to me by continuing to treat me like this!!
I am NOT a monster!!
I am NOT mean!!
I am NOT selfish
or lazy
or spoiled
or crazy
or mad!!!!
I AM AUTISTIC!!!!!
I was BORN this way...and i will DIE this way....
unless YOU supernaturally heal me, Lord!!!!!
My family...do not realize the heart of gold that i have,
or the sense of humor or intelligence and unique ways i have---
because, to this very day, they keep the walls up...
they keep me shut out..and shut down...
they STILL will not allow me to be myself around them!!
I am expected to jump through certain hoops when around them
..and if i can't do it..i am cast off to the side like a
wallflower at a high school dance!!
Please, dear Lord, i pray, in Jesus' Holy and Wonderful Name
Please soften the hearts of my family--please tear down the walls that bind them
please deliver them from the spirit of fear and intolerance and heal their hearts so that there will be patience and acceptance towards me instead of the harshness and coldness...please, Lord, do this before it is too late!!!!!
This i pray, in Jesus' name,.....
......AMEN!!!!!!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Idaho No More!!!
Today is a beautiful, warm and sunny Saturday......and....as of today.....my plans to move to Idaho are no more. My aunt didn't come through with the finances to make this happen....other family issues arose,....and now i am left back at square one......still stuck here in my little torture chamber cottage here on Mean Bully Monster Street....where i am sitting at my computer, which is right next to my front door. I happen to have my front door wide open right now, because i want so very much to enjoy the fresh air and cool breeze----just not the "nice" loud, speeding traffic that comes along with it!! So---the PC speakers are cranked up loud again, on an online station called The Alternate Side, so i can try to drown out the awful speed demon noise!!! The Alternate Side, by the way, is an awesome alternative/indie rock station that i stream online everyday, because i love this kind of music!!!!! I also have Sirius/XM in my car.....only because my mother is able to afford that!!
I really neeeded my aunt's and uncle's help---and i still do!!!! I can't be expected to do without my favorite music if something happens to my mom.....i LOVE my Christian and secular rock music and would be sooo very, very lost without it!!!!! If my mother were to suddenly pass away today, i know i would have to give that up!!! Not only would i have to give that up, but my internet and TV service would also probably have to stop too----in addition to that, i may also face having to give up my car and being able to drive..........people, PLEASE know how serious this is for me!!!!!
And......if my mother were to die today......i may probably even be made.....forced.....to live in a rest home or mental institution for the rest of my life......no more independence either, if i don't have a miracle happen soon....
Last night i spent several hours getting even more new pictures of Michigan, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Lake Huron and Lake Ontario off the internet, for my screen saver slide show. I didn't get to New York, New England or Pennsylvania last night....those are the other places i VERY MUCH want to see if i ever come into money....so today, i sit here, and all i have is my never-ending pipe dream that maybe i will win the lottery tonight...or Wednesday.....and then, i will finally get to go see all of these places....someday...someday.....SOMEDAY!!!!!
Also....i just turned 50 two weeks ago...that, in itself, is a milestone for me....because i can now say that i am half a century old---woooooo!!!!! But what do i have to show for it, but a 28-plus years of being dependent on government entitlements?
I do have a wonderful group of friends on Facebook now, beautiful, sweet people who all really "get" me!! Like me, these people are either autistic themselves, or they are adults who have children on the autism spectrum. And here in Santa Maria, I do happen to have alot of familiar places that i am able to go, where i am treated with kindness and compassion--places where my autism is accomodated!! Plus, i have my friend Garrison next door and my other friends, the Nicholsons, who also live in town. So--it is actually a blessing in disgiuse that i didn't move to Idaho----because if i had of moved there--i would only have my elderly mother to turn to, no one else, as my other family members who live there--all still ignore me and treat me just as they all did when we were all growing up together...like a leper and a pariah. As for the other sister who WAS nice to me who lives there? She is now against me too......but if i talk about that, she has threatened to sue me and cause me all kinds of trouble.....
I am currently working fervently towards getting my story out to the media now. I NEED to tell this story.........it is a unique story----but, you know what? All of us have our own unique stories to tell....because we are all unique...each and everone of us. :)
So--i just wanted to update everyone as to where my situation lies today. I wish i could find something wise and powerful to say as i close my latest blog entry--but i don't--my mind has grown so tired...all i can say is that i hope and i pray SO very very fervently, that this will change soon-----my Aunt and Uncle are now both acutely aware of my circumstances---it is up to God now to convict their hearts....only He can soften their hearts so that they will care, and have real compassion on me and finally give me the help and relief i so desperately need and crave!!!!
Just now, a terrible, loud black sports motorcycle came absolutely SCREAMING through here---my back and arms and face and chest still actually BURN from the pain of having to hear that GOD-awful demonic screaming noise right now--it was just as if a giant stingray bee thing just flew past the front of my tiny cottage...oh, it hurts to be alive when i can't even have my sanctaury on a nice warm and beautiful sunny Saturday.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am autistic--i am NOT a CRAZY-LADY!!!!! And i have the right to live in peace!!
Are there any media outlets out there who would be willing to come and tell my story, please??
Please pray for me, everyone!!!!! God bless you!!!! :)
I really neeeded my aunt's and uncle's help---and i still do!!!! I can't be expected to do without my favorite music if something happens to my mom.....i LOVE my Christian and secular rock music and would be sooo very, very lost without it!!!!! If my mother were to suddenly pass away today, i know i would have to give that up!!! Not only would i have to give that up, but my internet and TV service would also probably have to stop too----in addition to that, i may also face having to give up my car and being able to drive..........people, PLEASE know how serious this is for me!!!!!
And......if my mother were to die today......i may probably even be made.....forced.....to live in a rest home or mental institution for the rest of my life......no more independence either, if i don't have a miracle happen soon....
Last night i spent several hours getting even more new pictures of Michigan, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Lake Huron and Lake Ontario off the internet, for my screen saver slide show. I didn't get to New York, New England or Pennsylvania last night....those are the other places i VERY MUCH want to see if i ever come into money....so today, i sit here, and all i have is my never-ending pipe dream that maybe i will win the lottery tonight...or Wednesday.....and then, i will finally get to go see all of these places....someday...someday.....SOMEDAY!!!!!
Also....i just turned 50 two weeks ago...that, in itself, is a milestone for me....because i can now say that i am half a century old---woooooo!!!!! But what do i have to show for it, but a 28-plus years of being dependent on government entitlements?
I do have a wonderful group of friends on Facebook now, beautiful, sweet people who all really "get" me!! Like me, these people are either autistic themselves, or they are adults who have children on the autism spectrum. And here in Santa Maria, I do happen to have alot of familiar places that i am able to go, where i am treated with kindness and compassion--places where my autism is accomodated!! Plus, i have my friend Garrison next door and my other friends, the Nicholsons, who also live in town. So--it is actually a blessing in disgiuse that i didn't move to Idaho----because if i had of moved there--i would only have my elderly mother to turn to, no one else, as my other family members who live there--all still ignore me and treat me just as they all did when we were all growing up together...like a leper and a pariah. As for the other sister who WAS nice to me who lives there? She is now against me too......but if i talk about that, she has threatened to sue me and cause me all kinds of trouble.....
I am currently working fervently towards getting my story out to the media now. I NEED to tell this story.........it is a unique story----but, you know what? All of us have our own unique stories to tell....because we are all unique...each and everone of us. :)
So--i just wanted to update everyone as to where my situation lies today. I wish i could find something wise and powerful to say as i close my latest blog entry--but i don't--my mind has grown so tired...all i can say is that i hope and i pray SO very very fervently, that this will change soon-----my Aunt and Uncle are now both acutely aware of my circumstances---it is up to God now to convict their hearts....only He can soften their hearts so that they will care, and have real compassion on me and finally give me the help and relief i so desperately need and crave!!!!
Just now, a terrible, loud black sports motorcycle came absolutely SCREAMING through here---my back and arms and face and chest still actually BURN from the pain of having to hear that GOD-awful demonic screaming noise right now--it was just as if a giant stingray bee thing just flew past the front of my tiny cottage...oh, it hurts to be alive when i can't even have my sanctaury on a nice warm and beautiful sunny Saturday.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am autistic--i am NOT a CRAZY-LADY!!!!! And i have the right to live in peace!!
Are there any media outlets out there who would be willing to come and tell my story, please??
Please pray for me, everyone!!!!! God bless you!!!! :)
Monday, May 10, 2010
Update!!!! Cool News!!!!!!
I am finally going to be moving off of Mean Bully Monster Street!!!! Due to my dilligence in keeping my blogs going here on Blogspot, getting hooked up with tons of really wonderful, awesome autism community friends on facebook and my notes and blogs and other projects on there--i have finally been able to get the help i need to get out of here. I can't say that much about this right now, but when i am all settled up in Idaho, i will blog about it and tell everyone the details.
Just suffice it to say, i will be out of this pit within two months and living up in Idaho near my mom and sister and other family. There are good doctors there, as well as better services for me....and once out of here---i know i willl feel like a human being again. Then, i plan to get dilligent about writing my life story and getting my poetry and artwork published also.
I am OVER-THE MOON HAPPY tonight!!!!! I finally see the real LIGHT at the end of my tunnel--and i am running towards it as fast as i can!!!!!!!!
I will talk to everyone soon!! Thank you all to everyone who is following me and supporting me!!! God bless you all!!!! :)
Just suffice it to say, i will be out of this pit within two months and living up in Idaho near my mom and sister and other family. There are good doctors there, as well as better services for me....and once out of here---i know i willl feel like a human being again. Then, i plan to get dilligent about writing my life story and getting my poetry and artwork published also.
I am OVER-THE MOON HAPPY tonight!!!!! I finally see the real LIGHT at the end of my tunnel--and i am running towards it as fast as i can!!!!!!!!
I will talk to everyone soon!! Thank you all to everyone who is following me and supporting me!!! God bless you all!!!! :)
Monday, February 1, 2010
Monday In Hell Again!!
Well--i had a very beautiful day and night yesterday---Sunday!! :) Last night, i even went to sleep for alittle while around 11:30 PM, with my computer streaming one of the Christian rock stations i like to listen to during the night. I got three hours of sleep--but--it was a very restful, peaceful sleep, and i awoke again at 1:30 this morning, and got to finally get my other desk straightened out, then get all caught up in my journal. Then, i washed my hair. After that, i got my milk and vitamins, and proceeded to enjoy going on facebook and then YouTube. I was laughing, singing and smiling, because the mean terrorists weren't all here with their loud, souped-up monsters roaring at me with their ugly demonic engines right outside. They are never here at night!! :) And i kept praying so hard that today would be one of those days where the nice police would extra patrol the street to keep it calm for me. I had wanted to go back to bed to get some more sleep--but then, right at 6:30, the races began...and before i knew it--i was back to this other mode again: my riled-up, rolled-up-into-a-tight-ball version of me that i become when the street monkeys are all here and active, running wild and loose. So--i am still up as of 9:15 AM. I am up, partly, so i can rework my biological body clock back to where i am able to to be awake again in the daytimes--so that i can go on a web radio show Wednesday morning, to tell my story.
The street noise has been terrible all morning long, with the monkeys all coming to work. So i have had to turn on my Wall Of TV noise and streaming indie rock music on the computer , to block it out again. This is how i get to live six days a week--sometimes all seven days, because these men have to come here and hot rod all day long.
Back in 2006, on the last weekend of October, one of the auto shops was here that entire weekend, working on their drag racers. They actually had these dragsters out in the open, in the courtyard of their shed where they store them---and the noise had me in a bad, bad, bad, two-day meltdown!! At this time, i had had a videocamera rigged up to a 13-inch TV-and i was able to record this noise--and me, wailing non-stop in sheer agony and pain. I even called the mayor of Santa Maria, because his home phone number is listed in the phone book. My mother had talked to him on a few occasions before about me, so he was, and is, well-aware of my plight here. Mayor Lavagnino was quite rude to me, though, even though i was crying really hard, and he told me to not call him anymore and he hung up on me, in a manner that was nothing but hostile and angry. This only added to my misery--cuz now i had the mayor mad at me!!
So, yes--the whole city is well aware of my plight. Yet this abuse and harrassment---continues. Oh, i was finally able to meet with the owner of the one shop that has the drag racers in Feb. of 2007--and we now have an agreement, that if he has to fire up the dragsters, he tells me now, so i can prepare, and arrange to be gone from here when the dragsters have to be fired up. He now also works on them inside the building too, where the noise isn't as overbearing. Still, though, there are approximatley 6 of his employees, plus their friends, who still do things to purposely antagonize me. In addition, there are three other businesses too,on this street, where i am also terrorized. As for the police--i have called them so many times in the course of the past 17 years of me living here, due to the problems i've had, that most of them now, dislike me, and turn a deaf ear to me. There is even one seargant who actually has a vendetta against me because of things i didn't do in the past that he wanted me to do---and he has made it so that i can no longer call regular dispatch if i have a problem. If i do, they immediately know it;'s me, and i am treated very harshly, even ridiculed and belittled and yelled at by these dispatchers, over the phone!! There have been a few instances where i have had to call 911, too, and nobody ever came. One instance involved a big party that a teenage boy was having down the street. This boy knew, too, all about my autism, and promised he'd keep the mean kids away from my house--but--it didn't happen. The party got out of control, and next thing i knew, these mean kids---were throwing rocks at my house!! When i called 911--and, by the way, i know when and when NOT to call 911--the mean dispatcher asked: "Is this Melissa ******?" When i said yes, she said "Okay, goodbye!", and she fricken hung up on me!!!! When i had to be rushed to the hospital, due to heavy menstrual bleeding---they did send the ambulance right away--(the EMT's were SO sweet and caring and gentle with me that morning!!)--but---they--the dispatchers---were harsh with me that time, as well. Yes, i am now stigmatized at the police dept!! There are only two commanders at that police dept. that i can call now, who both understand and help me when i call. In addition, there are also a handful of other officers there, who also understand my plight with these businesses. But---all of the other officers--have all turned against me.
And so it is another agonizing Monday. My mother is right now, making phone calls to the police commanders on my behalf, and i am trying to talk her into calling my Aunt Virginia again, to just right come out and ask her to help me. Because this is killing me to have to live under these circumstances!!
I know i need help--but not in just one or two areas. I first need to move off of this street, to an area, where i can be away from this battlefield so that i can finally start to heal from my 17 years of torture. And i am not willing to go through anymore government agencies to get help--because the only good help out there---costs good money--and the county and federal govt--offers only minimal, very piss-poor service at best. Been there, done that!! A million times over!! I am just SO tired!! SO very, very tired!!
Well--that is enough for now. I think i can go to sleep now, with my TV and PC blaring, of course! So---i shall talk to you all on my blog wall again very soon!! God bless you all!! :) ****Me****
The street noise has been terrible all morning long, with the monkeys all coming to work. So i have had to turn on my Wall Of TV noise and streaming indie rock music on the computer , to block it out again. This is how i get to live six days a week--sometimes all seven days, because these men have to come here and hot rod all day long.
Back in 2006, on the last weekend of October, one of the auto shops was here that entire weekend, working on their drag racers. They actually had these dragsters out in the open, in the courtyard of their shed where they store them---and the noise had me in a bad, bad, bad, two-day meltdown!! At this time, i had had a videocamera rigged up to a 13-inch TV-and i was able to record this noise--and me, wailing non-stop in sheer agony and pain. I even called the mayor of Santa Maria, because his home phone number is listed in the phone book. My mother had talked to him on a few occasions before about me, so he was, and is, well-aware of my plight here. Mayor Lavagnino was quite rude to me, though, even though i was crying really hard, and he told me to not call him anymore and he hung up on me, in a manner that was nothing but hostile and angry. This only added to my misery--cuz now i had the mayor mad at me!!
So, yes--the whole city is well aware of my plight. Yet this abuse and harrassment---continues. Oh, i was finally able to meet with the owner of the one shop that has the drag racers in Feb. of 2007--and we now have an agreement, that if he has to fire up the dragsters, he tells me now, so i can prepare, and arrange to be gone from here when the dragsters have to be fired up. He now also works on them inside the building too, where the noise isn't as overbearing. Still, though, there are approximatley 6 of his employees, plus their friends, who still do things to purposely antagonize me. In addition, there are three other businesses too,on this street, where i am also terrorized. As for the police--i have called them so many times in the course of the past 17 years of me living here, due to the problems i've had, that most of them now, dislike me, and turn a deaf ear to me. There is even one seargant who actually has a vendetta against me because of things i didn't do in the past that he wanted me to do---and he has made it so that i can no longer call regular dispatch if i have a problem. If i do, they immediately know it;'s me, and i am treated very harshly, even ridiculed and belittled and yelled at by these dispatchers, over the phone!! There have been a few instances where i have had to call 911, too, and nobody ever came. One instance involved a big party that a teenage boy was having down the street. This boy knew, too, all about my autism, and promised he'd keep the mean kids away from my house--but--it didn't happen. The party got out of control, and next thing i knew, these mean kids---were throwing rocks at my house!! When i called 911--and, by the way, i know when and when NOT to call 911--the mean dispatcher asked: "Is this Melissa ******?" When i said yes, she said "Okay, goodbye!", and she fricken hung up on me!!!! When i had to be rushed to the hospital, due to heavy menstrual bleeding---they did send the ambulance right away--(the EMT's were SO sweet and caring and gentle with me that morning!!)--but---they--the dispatchers---were harsh with me that time, as well. Yes, i am now stigmatized at the police dept!! There are only two commanders at that police dept. that i can call now, who both understand and help me when i call. In addition, there are also a handful of other officers there, who also understand my plight with these businesses. But---all of the other officers--have all turned against me.
And so it is another agonizing Monday. My mother is right now, making phone calls to the police commanders on my behalf, and i am trying to talk her into calling my Aunt Virginia again, to just right come out and ask her to help me. Because this is killing me to have to live under these circumstances!!
I know i need help--but not in just one or two areas. I first need to move off of this street, to an area, where i can be away from this battlefield so that i can finally start to heal from my 17 years of torture. And i am not willing to go through anymore government agencies to get help--because the only good help out there---costs good money--and the county and federal govt--offers only minimal, very piss-poor service at best. Been there, done that!! A million times over!! I am just SO tired!! SO very, very tired!!
Well--that is enough for now. I think i can go to sleep now, with my TV and PC blaring, of course! So---i shall talk to you all on my blog wall again very soon!! God bless you all!! :) ****Me****
Sunday, January 31, 2010
My Weekend With The Hindenburg Car
Yesterday----i had another meltdown. My Saturday began calmly...but...i just couldn't stop sleeping. I slept all day until 3:00 that afternoon. I got up, called my mom, as i always do when i arise, and then went about my normal waking-up routine. Next, i turned on my computer and went on Facebook to connect with all my friends. That is when all hell broke loose. Here i was, trying to be happy, commenting on some of my friends' comment threads, enjoying looking at all of the cool pictures that were posted on the KSBY local TV channel 6 website,----when i began to hear this loud noise---a loud noise which sounded---to me---just like one of Satan's demons farting--seriously--right outside my house!! This loud "phhhhrrtt-ttttt--tttt--rrrrrrRRRRRRPPPPHHHTT---TTTTTT" noise, grew louder and louder, and i jumped right up, already in panic mode, and flung open my front door just in time to see two very familiar looking laughing male faces coming right past my house headed Westbound in their huge blimp car--you know, those classic cars from the '40's and 50's that hot rod enthusiaists like to get all pimped-out? These men were looking right at my house and actually laughing!! Anyway, i have a nickname for these cars. I call them Hindenburg cars--cuz, i am autistic--and i have always had this uncanny habit of putting strange names and phrases to things, situations, feelings, people, etc. Good and bad alike. Most of these names and phrases that i come up with---are actually quite funny-and when i',m not all upset? I actually laugh about the things i say. Yes--us autistic people DO have a sense of humor--i know that i sure do!!!!
So---back to my story about the loud Hindenburg Demonic Fart Car: Needless to say, i was full-blown upset now-----i was screaming and yelling hysterically---and flapping my hands all over the place trying desperately, to get this noise to stop. I managed to pick up the phone to call a friend to have them call the police for me, as the Hindenburg car proceeded to turn right around and come straight back in front of my house again, gunning their motor so loudly that i felt just like i was going to melt into my floor!!! The whole episode made my already damaged throat all sore and hoarse again--and the little bit of strength i had biult up during my calm evening and day, sleeping, was zapped from me. Totally zapped--sucked out of me. I spent the whole rest of the day, feeling like a zombie, half-dead, all because of men who---even though they have been told and told, time and again that i am disabled-and to not do these kind of things---still found it in them to deliberately force me to endure again, an awful, ugly noise that actually represents physical pain to me!! This is terrorism!! And it is killing me!! Literally!!
It is Sunday now, and i have an upset stomache today, from what happened yesterday.
The aunt and uncle who i have been writing to all of these years, just so that i could have help so that i could have a better life? I am not allowed to say their names. But they are very famous and rich. That is all i am able to say about them. My Aunt, this man's wife,--is my late father's sister. i know i am repeating this story--but it has to be told. I am desperately unhappy, and am crying hard Just for a way out. And the way these blogs are set up, it is my latest entry that shows on top. So-please bear with me. :) Back to my story.
In 1988, i began writing to my aunt, begging her to help me so that i could have a chance at a normal life. At first, she read all of my letters. She and my mother would even talk at length about my plight with having to be on SSI and not being able to work to better my circumstances. I told her i needed a new car because the car i had was a gas guzzler, and needed alot of huge repairs on it. She did send a check for $300 dollars to cover thses huge repairs. This was barely enough to pay for the tune-up it needed. Even so, nothing happened--and i continued to write these appeal letters to her. I even asked if i could be in some of their TV commercials. And i also asked her if she would help me get my artwork, stories and poetry published and sold, so i could have a real chance in life! She refused, telling my mom that i needed to count my blessings that i had government aid--and to just be happy with that. I asked for help with my dental issues too. She refused to help with that. She again, sent my mom a check for $500 dollars, telling my mom to not give it to me, but to dole it out in small amounts, to me. My mom sent this check back to my aunt, uncashed, because of the mean spirit that my aunt was showing. My aunt just didn't get that i was---and am---totally unable to work because of my mental handicaps--and i just wanted a life!! A future!! With her support, i WAS going to be able to get the good quality help that i needed that i couldn't--and still can't get with govt aid--but--she just didn't ever seem to understand this!!!! And--she still doesn't.
In early 2000, my father, her eldest brother, passed away. Shortly after, she stopped reading my letters altogether, and began throwing them away. My circumstances continued to worsen, because of my mean neighbors. I began to stay away from here for long periods of time each day--only coming back here after i felt i was safe to come back---which was usually late at night!!! It was about 2001-02, when my mom found out that my aunt was throwing my letters away....and she asked this aunt to please just send them to her instead, and she would keep them in a file for me.
In Christmas of 2005, i wrote yet another appeal to my aunt. Her secretary accidently opened this letter--and so my aunt did read this particular letter. She called my mom, all distressed, saying that she just didn't know how to help me. Later on, a friend suggested that i write to my Uncle instead--and send the letter directly to his New York address. I did this in late 2007---and wrote three letters to him. Still, no response. But--on Christmas Day, my mother called me to tell me that my aunt had just sent her a small check for "Melissa's care." Again it wasn't an amount that would permanently help me out of my rut--but it did allow me to pay off some debts---and i was finally able to get my very first computer.
I can't go on much longer like this. I do not want to die--but i feel that i am. This is a never-ending hell--and i am going to be 50 this year. I just want a life! I'm not out to cause trouble for anyone--i just want a life!! I just want a life!! I JUST WANT A LIFE!!!!!!
Is there somebody out there, somewhere, who "gets" autism and disability issues, who can help me, please???? Thank you, and God bless you!! :)
So---back to my story about the loud Hindenburg Demonic Fart Car: Needless to say, i was full-blown upset now-----i was screaming and yelling hysterically---and flapping my hands all over the place trying desperately, to get this noise to stop. I managed to pick up the phone to call a friend to have them call the police for me, as the Hindenburg car proceeded to turn right around and come straight back in front of my house again, gunning their motor so loudly that i felt just like i was going to melt into my floor!!! The whole episode made my already damaged throat all sore and hoarse again--and the little bit of strength i had biult up during my calm evening and day, sleeping, was zapped from me. Totally zapped--sucked out of me. I spent the whole rest of the day, feeling like a zombie, half-dead, all because of men who---even though they have been told and told, time and again that i am disabled-and to not do these kind of things---still found it in them to deliberately force me to endure again, an awful, ugly noise that actually represents physical pain to me!! This is terrorism!! And it is killing me!! Literally!!
It is Sunday now, and i have an upset stomache today, from what happened yesterday.
The aunt and uncle who i have been writing to all of these years, just so that i could have help so that i could have a better life? I am not allowed to say their names. But they are very famous and rich. That is all i am able to say about them. My Aunt, this man's wife,--is my late father's sister. i know i am repeating this story--but it has to be told. I am desperately unhappy, and am crying hard Just for a way out. And the way these blogs are set up, it is my latest entry that shows on top. So-please bear with me. :) Back to my story.
In 1988, i began writing to my aunt, begging her to help me so that i could have a chance at a normal life. At first, she read all of my letters. She and my mother would even talk at length about my plight with having to be on SSI and not being able to work to better my circumstances. I told her i needed a new car because the car i had was a gas guzzler, and needed alot of huge repairs on it. She did send a check for $300 dollars to cover thses huge repairs. This was barely enough to pay for the tune-up it needed. Even so, nothing happened--and i continued to write these appeal letters to her. I even asked if i could be in some of their TV commercials. And i also asked her if she would help me get my artwork, stories and poetry published and sold, so i could have a real chance in life! She refused, telling my mom that i needed to count my blessings that i had government aid--and to just be happy with that. I asked for help with my dental issues too. She refused to help with that. She again, sent my mom a check for $500 dollars, telling my mom to not give it to me, but to dole it out in small amounts, to me. My mom sent this check back to my aunt, uncashed, because of the mean spirit that my aunt was showing. My aunt just didn't get that i was---and am---totally unable to work because of my mental handicaps--and i just wanted a life!! A future!! With her support, i WAS going to be able to get the good quality help that i needed that i couldn't--and still can't get with govt aid--but--she just didn't ever seem to understand this!!!! And--she still doesn't.
In early 2000, my father, her eldest brother, passed away. Shortly after, she stopped reading my letters altogether, and began throwing them away. My circumstances continued to worsen, because of my mean neighbors. I began to stay away from here for long periods of time each day--only coming back here after i felt i was safe to come back---which was usually late at night!!! It was about 2001-02, when my mom found out that my aunt was throwing my letters away....and she asked this aunt to please just send them to her instead, and she would keep them in a file for me.
In Christmas of 2005, i wrote yet another appeal to my aunt. Her secretary accidently opened this letter--and so my aunt did read this particular letter. She called my mom, all distressed, saying that she just didn't know how to help me. Later on, a friend suggested that i write to my Uncle instead--and send the letter directly to his New York address. I did this in late 2007---and wrote three letters to him. Still, no response. But--on Christmas Day, my mother called me to tell me that my aunt had just sent her a small check for "Melissa's care." Again it wasn't an amount that would permanently help me out of my rut--but it did allow me to pay off some debts---and i was finally able to get my very first computer.
I can't go on much longer like this. I do not want to die--but i feel that i am. This is a never-ending hell--and i am going to be 50 this year. I just want a life! I'm not out to cause trouble for anyone--i just want a life!! I just want a life!! I JUST WANT A LIFE!!!!!!
Is there somebody out there, somewhere, who "gets" autism and disability issues, who can help me, please???? Thank you, and God bless you!! :)
Thursday, January 28, 2010
New Front Window Appeal
Today is Thursday--it is the wee hours of a new morning as i write this new blog entry.
This week has been another killer torture week, due to the relentless hot roddings of the mean bully monsters that never stops...that never stops. A few minutes ago, i constructed new signs, made out of plain white poster board and a dark purple Crayola wide-tip felt tip marker. Maybe this time they will listen. Maybe even this time, a local TV news van will come by and see the signs. Maybe someone who is a lawyer will come by and read the signs. Maybe, even someone who has the resources to just sweep me out of here to a quiet place so that i can finally heal from these deep, 18 year old Mean Street Battlefield scars. Maybe someone who'll even take me on my dream trip to New York!
At least this week the sun is out, and it is not pouring down rain, and wind, and thunder, like it was the whole entire week last week. But still, i have to listen to the loud mean thunderous hot rods and motorcycles all day long.
My signs--they read as follow:
PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME--I AM AUTISTIC!
I CANNOT WORK! I CANNOT FULFILL ANY OF MY LIFELONG DREAMS AND GOALS!
MY PHYSICAL HEALTH IS ALSO FAILING NOW! I HAVE VERY LITTLE IN LIFE...
AND I HAVE TO LIVE HERE UNTIL A MIRACLE HAPPENS.
PLEASE STOP HOT RODDING, PLEASE STOP TERRORIZING ME!!!!
IN JESUS NAME, I BEG YOU!!!
Again, these businesses KNOW that i am disabled---yet this continues to go on every single day! I do not feel it is too much to ask that these grown men just BE NICE to me!!!! I don't understand WHY my aunt and uncle won't read my letters and come here to see me, so i can talk to them, and show them how i am having to live. I don't understand why the doors have to stay shut for me, and so many others who are autistic!!!! Especially us adults!!! I am truly and desperately unhappy. I have no joy left. No strength anymore. I am exhausted from all the pain. Physical and mental. Even so, i won't take my own life--because i DO NOT want to go to hell when i die!!!! I love God enough to keep hanging in here and taking this bullshit day in and day out! I love my mother and two sisters and my friends too much as well! So---i just keep on taking the shit! Yes, my situation could be worse. But this is torture even so.
This week has been another killer torture week, due to the relentless hot roddings of the mean bully monsters that never stops...that never stops. A few minutes ago, i constructed new signs, made out of plain white poster board and a dark purple Crayola wide-tip felt tip marker. Maybe this time they will listen. Maybe even this time, a local TV news van will come by and see the signs. Maybe someone who is a lawyer will come by and read the signs. Maybe, even someone who has the resources to just sweep me out of here to a quiet place so that i can finally heal from these deep, 18 year old Mean Street Battlefield scars. Maybe someone who'll even take me on my dream trip to New York!
At least this week the sun is out, and it is not pouring down rain, and wind, and thunder, like it was the whole entire week last week. But still, i have to listen to the loud mean thunderous hot rods and motorcycles all day long.
My signs--they read as follow:
PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME--I AM AUTISTIC!
I CANNOT WORK! I CANNOT FULFILL ANY OF MY LIFELONG DREAMS AND GOALS!
MY PHYSICAL HEALTH IS ALSO FAILING NOW! I HAVE VERY LITTLE IN LIFE...
AND I HAVE TO LIVE HERE UNTIL A MIRACLE HAPPENS.
PLEASE STOP HOT RODDING, PLEASE STOP TERRORIZING ME!!!!
IN JESUS NAME, I BEG YOU!!!
Again, these businesses KNOW that i am disabled---yet this continues to go on every single day! I do not feel it is too much to ask that these grown men just BE NICE to me!!!! I don't understand WHY my aunt and uncle won't read my letters and come here to see me, so i can talk to them, and show them how i am having to live. I don't understand why the doors have to stay shut for me, and so many others who are autistic!!!! Especially us adults!!! I am truly and desperately unhappy. I have no joy left. No strength anymore. I am exhausted from all the pain. Physical and mental. Even so, i won't take my own life--because i DO NOT want to go to hell when i die!!!! I love God enough to keep hanging in here and taking this bullshit day in and day out! I love my mother and two sisters and my friends too much as well! So---i just keep on taking the shit! Yes, my situation could be worse. But this is torture even so.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
New Year, Part Two
Hi again! :)
It is the wee hours of the morning on Sunday, January 24...it is three weeks into the New Year, and new decade.... and i am up again after taking a three and a 1/2-hour nap. Earlier last night, i wrote a smaller blog--i wasn't feeling well then--i still don't feel well. But i needed to wake up more so could think to write more coherantly--and i also needed to go to the grocery store. I did that, got some pizza, and came back here, ate, talked to my mom in Idaho, then i watched the 11 PM news. And then, i just fell asleep.
The week-long heavy El Nino rainstorms that CA had this past week, are now gone. The ground is beginning to dry out a teeny bit, because the sun got to finally come out from behind the clouds yesterday. As a result, all of the rivers and streams are now flowing, our reservoirs and lakes are full again--and the hills and nearby coastal mountains are such a brilliant shade of green now. Normally, this will inspire me to get in my car and take a nice long drive up the coast, up HWY 101, thru San Luis Obispo County, and all the way up to San Simeon, then across HWY 46, then back down 101, thru Paso Robles and Atascadero, so i can enjoy this beautiful, fresh new tapestry. But lately, i am way too exhausted and my legs bother me too much. My legs now freeze up on me, if i drive long distances because of the way they are now.
I soooo miss those drives!!!! They were such a good therapy to me!!!!
Instead, my life these days, is now spent in a never-ending daily narrow bottle---this tiny cottage---with the curtains on my windows always pulled tightly shut, sleeping later and later each day, with my TV stereo speakers and PC speakers up really loud all day long,--from 7 AM to 5:30 PM, so i can totally drown out the awful ugly hot rod noises that all the loud souped-up and modified motor vehicles make all day long right outside my cozy litle cottage. Otherwise, i have sheer meltdowns where i scream and yell so loud, that my throat actually BLEEDS!!!! Then, i end up talking like Demi Moore for the next several days!!
On the days i have to run errands, go to the bank, post office, etc., i get to leave this hell-hole in the afternoons--but i have to always make sure that, 1), i can leave without the mean bully monsters seeing me, so they don't yell, gun their motors, and start honking their horns at me, and, 2) i have to at least stay away from here until about 5:30 PM, because that's when all the mean bully monsters finally go home to their respective caves and huts! It is then that i can finally have my volumes normal in my house; i can "let my hair down", and enjoy my TV, music, and computer: usually Facebook and YouTube videos. On YouTube, i love to follow the daily vlogs that the SHAYTARDS, Charles Trippy, and VlogCandy all do--plus, i love Strawbuury 17's vlogs too--she is one of the Vlog Candy people...and a beautiful, sweet young Christian lady. I also love to watch the many road trip vlogs that are on there!! I will type in New York or Michigan, and etc., and away i "go"!! LOL! All courtesy of YouTube!! :) But anymore--i feel just so trapped---like i am in a cage, being tortured and held in a tiny corner, cuz of this very mean harsh environment.
I have written in earlier blogs, also, that i have a rich aunt and uncle who i have written numerous appeal letters to. My uncle is a famous sports personality, and i am related to him through my aunt, because she is my late father's sister. I have been advised by my family and close friends to not reveal their names. I myself, am afraid to reveal their names, because this aunt can be very mean and cruel. And, it isn't in my HEART to be mean to anyone!! All i want,---ALL I WANT--- is to just be able to have a way to have a decent, bearable existence for once in my life. I have never been able to work, cuz of my autism, and will probably never be able to work now, just because of all that has happened here, since i've lived here on Mean Street for the past 18 years. I have had an awful lot of trauma with various mean neighbors here that this has caused some very deep-seated trauma deep down inside of me. It has actually changed my whole nervous system.
Even so, these relatives----are the only ones in our family who can really afford to help me!! Yet, each and every letter that i send to them, gets sent on to my mother in Idaho----unopened. I began writing to this aunt in 1988, about my plight. I have written over 20 appeal letters to her over the course of these past two decades. At first, she did read my letters!! After my father passed away, though, she stopped reading them, and began just throwing them away. When she told my mom this, my mom pled with her to not throw them away anymore--to just send them to her and she would keep them. It broke my mother's heart that my aunt was just throwing my pleas for help away in the trash!! But what can one say to a woman who can be mean? Even so, my mom has talked to this aunt at length, on numerous occasions, about my plight--so this aunt is well-aware of it all--even of how i have NO dental care, no medical doctor, no more eye care on Medi-Caid, ---even of how much i long to see new York City and the Eastern U/S. But what does she tell my mom? "I'll see who i can talk to about Melissa,"---but doesn't ever call her back. Whenever this aunt is down here to visit her other brother's family members--she doesn't call me or come by to visit me. I am often taken off of their Christmas card list for no reason at all. She once wrote in a letter to me, saying that i needed to just be satisfied that i get the gov't benefits that i get, and that i should just continue to tighten my belt all the time, and do without TV, music, fun, and living a decent life.
I don't know what is next for me. I do know that God sees how all of the affluent people in our country are continuing to turn their backs on the needs of the disabled. I know that children like little Zakh Price are still being abused at the hands of some very mean people, because our govt still doesn't seem to want to get on the ball with the kinds of legislation that will protect ALL disabled people from this kind of crap ever happening again!!!! Do the rich and famous care? Some do--but so many do NOT!! And it is DEPLORABLE!!!! I do know that i have been in such agony because of the stress i have to endure on a daily basis, that it HAS affected my physical health to a great degree. I am going to be 50 this year--and i now weigh 340-plus pounds. My legs and feet are swollen big and tight, with lymphodema, because i can no longer sleep in my bed. I live in an utter FEAR that i could lose my govt entitlements, that my mom could pass away suddenly, even tho she's still in good health at almost 81 years of age---and then, i could REALLY be financially destitute. But do most rich people care? Do they care that, without dental and vision coverage for poor people, these people won't be able to see or eat? How can one read a good book if they can't see to read that book? Or see to be able to sign a form or a check, so they can cash that check and have money to eat with and pay the utilities with? Without teeth--or with teeth that are poorly maintained---a person could get oral cancer!! Our teeth can even cause the kind of plaque that leads to heart attacks and strokes--bcause it is that same plaque that is on our teeth that builds up in our arteries and heart valves!!!!
This does make me angry---livid!!! I would hope to God that if i ever did come into lots of money, that my heart would not turn cold towards those who are disabled and needy!!!! I would hope to God that i would still be the compassionate soul that i am today--even though i have been in a real pit of hell for most of my life.
I do now have some really super cool, new friends on Facebook! :) On February 3rd, i will be on Tricia Kenney's online radio show, to tell my story there. I may go public with the names of my aunt and uncle too--but it won't be because i want to expose them. It's because i am desperately unhappy....and am just crying out to be helped. All i am asking for is to finally have a way out of this pit--so i can put feet to dreams and goals that i have had ever since i was a little girl.
To be able to walk without it hurting my legs, feet, hips and back....to be able to take my long drives again.
To be able to sit cross-legged on the floor again.
To be able to read a good book without having to put it down because i'm having another meltdown because there are savage men outside roaring.
To be able to bend down to touch my feet so i can wash them and trim my toenails, and put cream on them--and a clean new pair of socks
To be able to get up at a reasonable time and come and go again without fear of the neighborhood terrorists terroizing me
To be able to create new artwork, stories, poetry without the terrorists interupting that for me too
To be able to open my curtains and windows so i can let the daylight into my house without the fear of the mean street monsters
To even be able to see New York City real soon
This list goes on and on....please--i really need help. I want to tell my story and have it published too.... along with my artwork too. And yes, my aunt knows all of this too. Is there somebody out there who will pleae help me reach my goals? Please! Please! Please!
Thank you and God bless you all. :) Me
P.S.--Please read all of my older blogs, and my About Me and profile as well---because this all explains my backstory. Thanks!! :)
It is the wee hours of the morning on Sunday, January 24...it is three weeks into the New Year, and new decade.... and i am up again after taking a three and a 1/2-hour nap. Earlier last night, i wrote a smaller blog--i wasn't feeling well then--i still don't feel well. But i needed to wake up more so could think to write more coherantly--and i also needed to go to the grocery store. I did that, got some pizza, and came back here, ate, talked to my mom in Idaho, then i watched the 11 PM news. And then, i just fell asleep.
The week-long heavy El Nino rainstorms that CA had this past week, are now gone. The ground is beginning to dry out a teeny bit, because the sun got to finally come out from behind the clouds yesterday. As a result, all of the rivers and streams are now flowing, our reservoirs and lakes are full again--and the hills and nearby coastal mountains are such a brilliant shade of green now. Normally, this will inspire me to get in my car and take a nice long drive up the coast, up HWY 101, thru San Luis Obispo County, and all the way up to San Simeon, then across HWY 46, then back down 101, thru Paso Robles and Atascadero, so i can enjoy this beautiful, fresh new tapestry. But lately, i am way too exhausted and my legs bother me too much. My legs now freeze up on me, if i drive long distances because of the way they are now.
I soooo miss those drives!!!! They were such a good therapy to me!!!!
Instead, my life these days, is now spent in a never-ending daily narrow bottle---this tiny cottage---with the curtains on my windows always pulled tightly shut, sleeping later and later each day, with my TV stereo speakers and PC speakers up really loud all day long,--from 7 AM to 5:30 PM, so i can totally drown out the awful ugly hot rod noises that all the loud souped-up and modified motor vehicles make all day long right outside my cozy litle cottage. Otherwise, i have sheer meltdowns where i scream and yell so loud, that my throat actually BLEEDS!!!! Then, i end up talking like Demi Moore for the next several days!!
On the days i have to run errands, go to the bank, post office, etc., i get to leave this hell-hole in the afternoons--but i have to always make sure that, 1), i can leave without the mean bully monsters seeing me, so they don't yell, gun their motors, and start honking their horns at me, and, 2) i have to at least stay away from here until about 5:30 PM, because that's when all the mean bully monsters finally go home to their respective caves and huts! It is then that i can finally have my volumes normal in my house; i can "let my hair down", and enjoy my TV, music, and computer: usually Facebook and YouTube videos. On YouTube, i love to follow the daily vlogs that the SHAYTARDS, Charles Trippy, and VlogCandy all do--plus, i love Strawbuury 17's vlogs too--she is one of the Vlog Candy people...and a beautiful, sweet young Christian lady. I also love to watch the many road trip vlogs that are on there!! I will type in New York or Michigan, and etc., and away i "go"!! LOL! All courtesy of YouTube!! :) But anymore--i feel just so trapped---like i am in a cage, being tortured and held in a tiny corner, cuz of this very mean harsh environment.
I have written in earlier blogs, also, that i have a rich aunt and uncle who i have written numerous appeal letters to. My uncle is a famous sports personality, and i am related to him through my aunt, because she is my late father's sister. I have been advised by my family and close friends to not reveal their names. I myself, am afraid to reveal their names, because this aunt can be very mean and cruel. And, it isn't in my HEART to be mean to anyone!! All i want,---ALL I WANT--- is to just be able to have a way to have a decent, bearable existence for once in my life. I have never been able to work, cuz of my autism, and will probably never be able to work now, just because of all that has happened here, since i've lived here on Mean Street for the past 18 years. I have had an awful lot of trauma with various mean neighbors here that this has caused some very deep-seated trauma deep down inside of me. It has actually changed my whole nervous system.
Even so, these relatives----are the only ones in our family who can really afford to help me!! Yet, each and every letter that i send to them, gets sent on to my mother in Idaho----unopened. I began writing to this aunt in 1988, about my plight. I have written over 20 appeal letters to her over the course of these past two decades. At first, she did read my letters!! After my father passed away, though, she stopped reading them, and began just throwing them away. When she told my mom this, my mom pled with her to not throw them away anymore--to just send them to her and she would keep them. It broke my mother's heart that my aunt was just throwing my pleas for help away in the trash!! But what can one say to a woman who can be mean? Even so, my mom has talked to this aunt at length, on numerous occasions, about my plight--so this aunt is well-aware of it all--even of how i have NO dental care, no medical doctor, no more eye care on Medi-Caid, ---even of how much i long to see new York City and the Eastern U/S. But what does she tell my mom? "I'll see who i can talk to about Melissa,"---but doesn't ever call her back. Whenever this aunt is down here to visit her other brother's family members--she doesn't call me or come by to visit me. I am often taken off of their Christmas card list for no reason at all. She once wrote in a letter to me, saying that i needed to just be satisfied that i get the gov't benefits that i get, and that i should just continue to tighten my belt all the time, and do without TV, music, fun, and living a decent life.
I don't know what is next for me. I do know that God sees how all of the affluent people in our country are continuing to turn their backs on the needs of the disabled. I know that children like little Zakh Price are still being abused at the hands of some very mean people, because our govt still doesn't seem to want to get on the ball with the kinds of legislation that will protect ALL disabled people from this kind of crap ever happening again!!!! Do the rich and famous care? Some do--but so many do NOT!! And it is DEPLORABLE!!!! I do know that i have been in such agony because of the stress i have to endure on a daily basis, that it HAS affected my physical health to a great degree. I am going to be 50 this year--and i now weigh 340-plus pounds. My legs and feet are swollen big and tight, with lymphodema, because i can no longer sleep in my bed. I live in an utter FEAR that i could lose my govt entitlements, that my mom could pass away suddenly, even tho she's still in good health at almost 81 years of age---and then, i could REALLY be financially destitute. But do most rich people care? Do they care that, without dental and vision coverage for poor people, these people won't be able to see or eat? How can one read a good book if they can't see to read that book? Or see to be able to sign a form or a check, so they can cash that check and have money to eat with and pay the utilities with? Without teeth--or with teeth that are poorly maintained---a person could get oral cancer!! Our teeth can even cause the kind of plaque that leads to heart attacks and strokes--bcause it is that same plaque that is on our teeth that builds up in our arteries and heart valves!!!!
This does make me angry---livid!!! I would hope to God that if i ever did come into lots of money, that my heart would not turn cold towards those who are disabled and needy!!!! I would hope to God that i would still be the compassionate soul that i am today--even though i have been in a real pit of hell for most of my life.
I do now have some really super cool, new friends on Facebook! :) On February 3rd, i will be on Tricia Kenney's online radio show, to tell my story there. I may go public with the names of my aunt and uncle too--but it won't be because i want to expose them. It's because i am desperately unhappy....and am just crying out to be helped. All i am asking for is to finally have a way out of this pit--so i can put feet to dreams and goals that i have had ever since i was a little girl.
To be able to walk without it hurting my legs, feet, hips and back....to be able to take my long drives again.
To be able to sit cross-legged on the floor again.
To be able to read a good book without having to put it down because i'm having another meltdown because there are savage men outside roaring.
To be able to bend down to touch my feet so i can wash them and trim my toenails, and put cream on them--and a clean new pair of socks
To be able to get up at a reasonable time and come and go again without fear of the neighborhood terrorists terroizing me
To be able to create new artwork, stories, poetry without the terrorists interupting that for me too
To be able to open my curtains and windows so i can let the daylight into my house without the fear of the mean street monsters
To even be able to see New York City real soon
This list goes on and on....please--i really need help. I want to tell my story and have it published too.... along with my artwork too. And yes, my aunt knows all of this too. Is there somebody out there who will pleae help me reach my goals? Please! Please! Please!
Thank you and God bless you all. :) Me
P.S.--Please read all of my older blogs, and my About Me and profile as well---because this all explains my backstory. Thanks!! :)
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