Friday, May 9, 2014

My Big Wishlist

My big wishlist...
would be to have a secure circle of local friends
who are Autistic and who get me and who won't ever flake out on me.
would be to have the money to be able to buy my own nice two bedroom home up in Arroyo Grande and to be able to have the money to pay the taxes, insurance and upkeep for life on my little home. This home would have a nice backyard.
would be to have my legs healed so that i can walk, drive again, and do lots of other things for myself again.
would be to be able to have the money for my new car, and to be able to pay for its upkeep, and insurance for life.
would be to be able to have my trips to Northern Michigan, New York, Washington DC, and New England.
would be to be able to see the Northern Lights and the Midnight Sun.
would be for me to be able to publish my life story.
would be to have people stop giving up on me and throwing me away.
would be that my family's hearts would all soften towards me and that they'd all stop ignoring me and being angry at me for who i am, and for telling my story.
would be for my mom to be able to have the money to fix these two little cottages up so she can get good rental income off each unit. These two units where i now live need alot of repairs that she just cannot afford at all at this time.
would be for this whole world to start understanding and accepting us stop trying to change us, cure us, and "fix" us.
would be for there to be a REAL safety net for ALL who are disabled that is compassionate, just, and fair. A safety net that cannot and will not ever be cut.
yes, this is my big wishlist

My Midnight Sun Fantasy

Dancing in the sweet gentle wind
as rainbows dance all around me
it is midnight, but the sun is still shining
as i dance by the Northern Seashore
in the sun's golden light
no more do i worry
that mean men will bully me
as my electronic chill music plays
as the days get longer and longer
as we reach another Summer Solstice
in an hour i will be in my bedroom
with my blackout curtains pulled tight
to sleep another eight hours
and then i will awaken to another evening and nighttime
with the sun as my golden companion
i celebrate the spring and summer in this place
although it is a place i fantasize about
many a day i fantasize about this place
i feel i am there right now
in my own safe bubble
where no one who i don't want to come in
can penetrate this safe cocoon
i long for this place everyday of my life
to flee once and for all
from these mean men who bully and torment
the living daylights out of me
just because i am Autistic and i
have complained about their loud hot rodding
and mean rowdy behavior
but at least every night i can go to my fantasy place
that i call my Midnight Sun Fantasy
and in the winter?

this place has nightly shows of
spectacular Northern Lights 
that shimmer and shine like ribbons of
bright green, purple, red, hot pink, and blue and yellow.
Yes, someday this place will be real to me
but for now it exists in my mind
and i can go there at night when the bullies are all gone.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

An Open Letter To My Family, My Friends, and My Community

Yes, this letter is to my family, friends, and my community.
I am not a monster
and i nam not crazy
I am Autistic
Which means my mind thinks differently than yours.
I process things differently than you do.
I hear noises more than you do.
My sense of smell
and hearing
is much more heightened than yours is.
I have a uniquely creative mind too
I have a unique sense of humor
I also feel empathy and compassion for others, and i care
and i care alot more than you know
Again, though,
I am Autistic. 
I was born this way.
I will die this way.
Because my Autism is lifelong.
It cannot be cured and fixed 
and made to go away.
I cannot take my Autism off like it is a jacket.
So when you ignore me, shun me, and reject me
when you block me on social media and
won't even let me have your
email addresses and phone numbers
when you treat me as if i am
bad and wrong
because i am different
when you shut me up and won't let me speak
when you call me mean names
when you look at me funny
when you taunt me and tease and chide me
and don't include me in your conversations
and activities
when you invalidate the words i speak, and my feelings
and dismiss them and me
when you tone police me, talk down to me, and patronize me
when you treat me as if i am a criminal and a leper
it hurts and makes me feel as if i am an alien in my own skin
you may not see my heart breaking or my tears
but they are there, and these tears run like raging rivers
because i feel so alone and alienated and cut OFF
this lonliness aches with every breath, 
every step i take
i am alone every Thanksgiving and Christmas now
i so dread the holidays now because of that!!
I never even get to take trips up to Idaho
to see my mom and family
I no longer trust my city's police either
and am
deathly afraid of them now
because of how awful they have made me feel
and some of them still mistreat me
shut me down and won't let me explain
that yes, i AM being bullied by
the employees and their friends
of several nearby businesses
that this is happening almost 24/7 now
it is my fervent dream to be able to move
from this torture chamber i am living in
and to have finances set up 
so that i can make it my whole life
it is my fervent dream that all in the disability community 
will have a decent life set-up and safety net
that no more cuts will ever be made to our safety net
that our families will also step up to help us
so that we are properly taken care of our whole lives
i hope that my family will read this and know
how lonely i am
that this is not me "behaving badly" 
"causing drama"
or me
"being a diva"
"twisting things"
"blowing things out of proportion"
"using my Autism as an excuse"
Nor am i
"hiding behind the shadow of my Autism"
Please take the time to open your minds and hearts to me
before it's too late
I am not a curse, and neither is my name a curse
help me so that i can
have all the things on my bucket list that i 
have so longed to be able to do my whole life.
My artwork, life story being published, travel
to see Northern Michigan, New York State,
New York City,New England, Eastern Canada,
Great Britain, Northern Europe and Scandanavia
and to be able to see the Northern Lights and the Midnight Sun too
Help me so that i don't have to feel so afraid and alone anymore.
help me so that i can have legs again, and a car again,
so i can go to the ocean whenever i want,
and i can have
the peace and independence i once had, back again.
I am a human being
and this human being is hurting beyond what she can bear
because she is unable to work for these things herself
this human being has had enough.
Please help me, in Jesus name, 
Will someone out there
Please help me.

My Sunday, Home Alone Again

I have missed seeing the wildflowers. Pretty soon the hills will turn summer yellow, and i will miss seeing the nice green ones. I long to sit by the ocean to hear and see the waves. I am craving going to a good rocking church service where the music is contemporary and i can feel the Holy Spirit in the songs. I am so sick of being cooped up in this house unable to go anywhere. It is taking a real toll on me.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

More Insensitivity From My City's Police

The following is an email i just wrote to the nice police commander i always call. Because my street is still full of loud hot rods right now as i type this. I am having an awful nightmare this Saturday night, and i want to roll up into a ball in the corner and just shrink....

My letter to the commander:

Saturday, May 03, 2014, current time: 10:30 PM

 Dear K,

I apologize for bothering you. But all evening long tonight i have been having nothing but problems with loud hot rods all up and down my street...
1) A bright blue light Ford Ranger pickup coming back and forth revving his motor, and turning his bass up thunderously loud right as he gets in front of my house....doing this several times
2) A white Volkswagon convertible two door with black vinyl doing exact same thing
3) A beige SUV parking right across from me and blaring his bass and treble at me.
4) M has been, and is also still here at his shop, and has cars going in and out, and some of them are revving their motors.

I had my caregiver call to get me extra patrol for tonight when she left at 7:30 PM earlier this evening. When she was here, she too, noticed the bright blue Ford Ranger, and she has seen him do this on many other occasions also.

 When things did not quiet down, i had my mother call, as i am still quite shy and afraid to talk to dispatch. 

 At approximately 9:50 PM, i was abruptly startled by very loud pounding on my front door, and i opened it to find a very curt and unfriendly Officer Vela on my front porch. He did not say hello or even smile at me. He very bluntly asked me my name. Then went onto say, again in a very blunt tone of voice: "Well, i have gone up and down the street, and i don't see anything happening," I froze and could not tell him that yes i was still being bothered, because i sensed that he did not want to hear from me. he started to walk off, saying to me, curtly, with his back turned to me, "Okay, if you have anymore disturbances, call us." I did ask him what his name was at that point so i could report this to you. Because he seemed to be yet another officer who was clearly annoyed to be here and i felt that he even acted disgusted by me.

This has me so upset now that i don't think i can get through my evening, and now i am afraid to call even though a brown Toyota Camry, who i think belongs to my ex-caregiver who does not like me either, keeps coming through here back and forth with HER subwoofer bass up loud now!!

Can you please have a talk with Officer Vela? Even Officer Gar was nicer to me than Vela was!! :( Much nicer!! When am i going to ever feel safe calling my police department???? Seriously???? I am not a chronic complainer,i am genuinely having issues with people who are bullying the living daylights out of me, and now that they know i now live here alone with no one next door this is ramping up badly. Especially on Friday and Saturday nights clear till 4 in the morning!!

Again, i apologize for bothering you again...but i am very afraid tonight. And i am afraid because i know Officer Vela dislikes me too. Please train your officers how to be nice to us. I am Autistic....i'm not crazy!!

Thank you and God bless!!

Melissa Fields

I need help, situation is getting so seriously bad.....i just called the police again, and asked this time that i not be contacted, that they just give me extra patrol.

What If?

Right now i am sitting here thinking about how things would have turned out if everything had fallen into place for me to make the move i had wanted to make to Michigan. 
How things would be for me on this first day of May, if the realtor had found a good buyer right off the bat
for the real estate my mom is trying to sell so i can still move somewhere, now that i can't move to Michigan. 
How things would be if i had had a great meeting with that Lutheran pastor that Lady X had me set up with,
and they had both helped me to pack up and sell off the things i would not be taking with me to MI. 
How it would be if the general surgeon had given me the go-ahead to have my leg surgery done, in February,
and then by April, i would have been all ready to go to Michigan. 
And how things would have been if Lady X had remained nice through all of this. 
And then how things would be if, when i got back there, i would have found my dream one bedroom house right off the bat, and if everything else was now falling into place for me, finally, for the first time ever in my whole life?
I can only imagine how things would be for me right now....i would be either on my way to Michigan,
or in Michigan now, getting to know Lady X and her family, making strong friends with all of them,
and us going to the Social Security office, my new bank, and the housing, and Medicaid offices.
Then us finding a beautiful large spacious one bedroom house with hardwood floors all throughout,
a huge beautifully tiled walk-in shower in my bedroom's nice large en suite bath.
My house would include a huge walk-in closet in my bedroom, and wide doorways all throughout.
I would also have a large spacious eat-in kitchen.
This house would be on a quiet tree-lined street with lots of trees and grass and flowers all around....
and my neighbors would all be nice people that Lady X knew, who would also take me under their wings, like family.
I can just imagine that right now we would be planning a trip to see all of Northern Michigan this coming June,
including Mackinac Island, and by now, we would have already been on weekend trips to nearby Holland and Grand Haven.
I can imagine that today i got to see a glorious sunset full of red, pink, and gold, from the back deck of my house as Lady X and her family were all at my house with me, BBQing a luscious dinner of ribs with all the fixin's.
These dreams never came true though.....and i am still catching myself mourning, even wanting to break down and cry tonight, because none of this happened.
Because Lady X also turned out to be yet another fair weather friend to me. Because Lady X also turned viciously against me.
I don't know what to say as to why my dreams and plans always, always fall through?
Is this the way it is always supposed to be for me?????
Or, can i still find a way to at least make a move to a nice spacious one bedroom house in Arroyo Grande that has a view...and then still find a way to make some trips to Michigan, New York, and New England this June?
Can my dreams still come true, somehow, someway, please??????
Because i am really getting seriously depressed here....
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy i was finally able to fire JuJu,
Because JuJu was so very cruel to me, and that i now have CC as my new caregiver......
I LOVE sweet CC; she has been a total SWEET ANGEL to me so far!!
She does everything i need to have done, never says no, never has a bad attitude!!
She NEVER takes my money, like JuJu used to do!!
And she is always smiling, and laughing and happy!!
But i still need a way to make my dreams come true....
i pray that CC will stay my forever caregiver,
and i pray i will find nice friends in Arroyo Grande who will be that family i need that my own family never was to me.
DAMN, DAMN, DAMN you, Lady X, for leading me to believe you were my friend and that you cared about me!!
And if i can say this too?
FUCK YOU, Lady X, for what you did to me!!!! You totally preyed upon my vulnerabilities and my fears, and then you turned them upon me!!!
God wants me to forgive.....but i cannot right now,
because right now i fucking HATE the ground you walk upon!!!