Sunday, November 27, 2011

My 2011 Thanksgiving, Spent Lonely and Alone

My 2011 Thanksgiving, Spent Lonely And Alone
by Melissa's Move on Sunday, November 27, 2011 at 2:27am
I was so lucky and blessed last year (2010), to have a place to go on Thanksgiving. I had just reconsciled with a high school friend who had found me on Facebook in February of last year, through my autism blogs and the first two radio shows that i had done, so that Thanksgiving, i went over to her mother's house and spent that whole afternoon and evening with their whole family. Unfortunately, i am once again estranged from my high school friend, as she, sadly, did not possess alot of patience or understanding of how i think, how i process things, and how i still dream of being able to do certain things with my life....i am so depressed about losing her friendship yet again...and am also so depressed that i was not able to go there this year, as i really enjoyed being around her family last year. I loved having a place to go, really loved having someone here locally to talk to, and to hang out with, and when she got angry at me again, it actually really devastated me.

In 2008, my nice sister and her husband came out to his father's house because they thought they were going to be able to move back here..that didn't work out, and they moved back to Arizona in March of 2009. But when they were here, i got to spend Thanksgiving 2008 out at their house, which was 15 miles South of where i live. And i really enjoyed that too, as my sister's husband's family were all so bubbly-friendly and easy to be around. I felt accepted at both my friend's mother's place, and at my sister's place too.

The food at both my friend's mother's place, and my sister's place...was awesomely delicious too; my sister even had ham, which i love more than i like turkey...and i enjoy good comfort food so much, but am unable to cook full meals for myself due to my sensory issues with cooking....the preparation, cooking, and cleaning up afterwards? I can't handle any of it...i can only handle making simple things, such as simple sandwiches, or a bowl of cereal, and heating already prepared things in my microwave.

Most of my Thanksgivings are so very lonely for me, i usually have nowhere to go. I have three brothers and three sisters, all of whom are married with the exception of two sisters who are widowed, and numerous nieces and nephews...but most of them are all now in Idaho and Arizona, along with my mother too...i do have one brother, his wife and two teenage college-aged boys who still live here near me...but he and his family always, without fail, go out of town each and every Thanksgiving, leaving me here alone to fend for myself. They never call me to see how i am doing, or even call me to wish me a happy Thanksgiving...they just leave, without giving me any consideration. And it hurts me so deeply!!

Thanksgiving--and some Christmases too--i have to prepare for in advance. Because most of the good restaurants and stores are closed on Thanksgiving Day. I have to, the day before, get in my car and go hunt down iced tea and food to eat here, so i am not having to face going out to either Carl's Jr. or Jack In The Box to eat a fast food meal that often tastes like crap, and that is often served by unfriendly inpersonal store employees who don't give a darn about if i am lonely and aching just for a friendly smile and hello on my lonely holiday.

My brother went up to Mammoth Lakes again this year, even after i told his wife how much it would mean to me if i could spend at least one Thanksgiving with them. In addition, they will sometimes even go out of town at Christmastime, which means i am alll alone then too!! This brother and wife and boys, all know how badly i am doing, how much my physical health has gone downhill....yet, they will never call me or stop by to ask if i ever need anything, or to see how i am doing. I was never invited to either of my nephews' high school graduations either. In March, i went there to my brothers to talk to him, to tell him how lonely i am and what i neeed...and was not allowed to come inside because my brother had a cold. I had to stand and talk to my nephew and sister in law out on their front porch. I asked A if i could have alittle financial help, even if it is just to have dinner with them once in awhile. She flatly refused, saying they were having it rough, and could not even have me over for dinner once in awhile. My sweet nephew did pipe up to tell me i was still welcome to come there at Christmastime if they were there and not going out of town...and he said i would be in his thoughts and prayers. But....they never call me, never come by to visit me.

My mother and other family all moved to Idaho during the '90's, thinking i would be okay, because at that time, i was still in decent physical health, and was plugged into a good Christian Singles ministry here on the Central Coast, where i did have lots of good, kind and accepting friends from that group, which was based up in Arroyo Grande...but the things i have been through on this street that i have lived on for the past 20 years...has slowly but steadily eroded both my emotional and physical health and well-being, to where i can barely function anymore.....these days it is as if i live in a long tunnel, because it's like all of my dreams have died now....i am lterally just waiting for either an 11:59 PM miracle,...or for God to just take me Home...yes. my health is getting that bad, that serious. I have to deal with several mean vicious men in four nearby auto repair shops who seem to make it their almost daily mission to bully and terrorize the living daylights out of me with their loud banshee yells, loud horn honking and loud hot rodding and loud burn outs from their loud souped up cars, pickups, SUV's and motorcycles.

The police are is the mayor and city government, to my plight. There are literally no services or resources for me here on the Central Coast. I am stuck here until i get a miracle and can move. And i feel that am dying.

In the meantime...i just want friends who i can hang out with who will accept me as i am....and a place to go at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Thank you and God bless you all!!!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

An Explanation Of Why I Still Fear Having A Pet Of My Own

An Explanation Of Why I Still Fear Having A Pet Of My Own
by Melissa Fields on Tuesday, November 15, 2011 at 2:33am
The following is a post that i just wrote a few minutes ago in a group here on Facebook. I thought i would share this, as this best explains my fear of animals. I feel awful that i am this way, but this is in good part, one of my many phobias, fears, and sensory issues, and partly due to a fear from how my family unfortunately, would often exploit my fears when i was growing up....i actualy hatd my childhood because i was squelched and made fun of, in so many ways. My father raised us kids with an iron fist and belt...and as i got older, and my older sibloings got older, they could get away with mre than we younger ones could...he became more lenient with the older ones...thus, in our family, as one got older, they earned more freedoms and priviledges, while us younger ones did't. This fosteredx a narrow-mindeness in all three of my brothers, and one sister, but i always had the love and support of my mom and my two other nice sisters. They also could be mean to me too, at times, and there was a long several year period where me and my eldest nice sister did not get along too...anyway...onto my post now, which i have edited for this note, plus i have included only the person's initial of the person i refer to in this note, for their privacy:

" I am just like J in that i do not relate to, nor am i able to get close to animals, to hold them, cuddle them, or take care of them,...i can be around them, yes, but have to shoo them away if they try to interact with me, because i cannot handle the interaction. I am not cold-hearted either, i too am a very compassionate person, and love animals from a distance, but ppl don't understand this about me, and judge me wrongly too about see, i grew up fearing dogs jumping on me and licking me, and feared their loud barking, and i also had a bad fear of cats scratching me..and i had a family who really exploited that fear, and all of my fears...but as i got older, i grew out of my fear enough to be in control of most animal situations that i am confronted with, by just waving my hands and firmly shooing them away when they try to jump up on me and cuddle and want me to hold them....i am still very uncomfortable around animals, but do greatly enjoy them from afar, as this is still a deeply ingrained sensory issue for me. I will even repost all the cute pet and animal pictures that i see others post here on Facebook, because i love those pictures!! Having said that, i do find myself now wanting a pet for the company, especially a dog....but feel i would need professional psychotherapy to overcome the fears i still have. And not meaning to blame my family...but they did help greatly to contribute to these fears that i still have to this day...the blame is there...and i have alot of resentments towards my family for holding me back and squelching me in so many ways...on so many levels. I unfortunately had bullies for brothers and sisters..and my dad was also a bully alot of the time, a real tyrant. Especially towards me, even as my other brothers and sisters were given more freedoms as they grew older...i was not given those same freedoms. Even as i grew older. I could not joke or have nice conversations with my father, because he was always yelling at me, correcting me, scolding me, an dpunishing me. I was never close to my father as a result of how he treated me.

I'm sorry to go on about this, but what J was expressing helped me to better be able to articulate my own problem with animals...and why mine family are greatly to blame in this, unfortunately. ;'((

Having said all of this, i would NEVER, EVER hurt or harm ANY animal, as i do have a huge kind and compassionate and tender heart...both for ppl and animals..and i hate...i abhor....cruelty to ppl and animals of any kind!!!!!!! "

For the purpose of this note, i have expounded/added more explanation to my above original post that i posted in a group just now. Again, i feel awful that i am this way...but i am...and i hope someday soon to be able to get help for this, as it would help me to be much freer. I also have other fears which hold me back too...but i can and will discuss these in future notes/blogs.

Thank you all for reading this. God bless you. :)

Monday, November 7, 2011

My Autism Is Not A Tragedy

My Autism Is Not A Tragedy
by Melissa Fields on Tuesday, November 1, 2011 at 5:36pm

My autism is not a tragedy
what is a tragedy, however,
is how my community continues
to treat me as if i am a leper
a clown, a joke, a laughing stock
the police will not help me by
putting a stop to the bully monsters'
daily loud hot rod terrorism
that happens right outside of my house
my city gov't turns a deaf ear to me
most of my family keep their backs turned
also to me because they also don't want to deal
with my meltdowns and the way i think, feel,
and do things....i cannot even get the help,
services and care i so desperately need
it is as if i am on some invisible community blacklist
everywhere i try to turn for help...i get
oh, it's Melissa Fields..she is too needy,
too demanding, too difficult....don't help her
well...i am a 51 year old who had never
gotten the help i needed...and so, yes, i am now
alot more set in my ways...but it does not make
me unreachable.....
i don't know what i am going to do
when my couch that i have to sleep sitting up on
breaks down even further to where i can no longer
sleep on it...or my toilet falls in because my mom
has not the money to get my bathroom repairs done
and now, the people who she is paying to come
to help me just alittle bit..are now not returning my
phone calls either....
this is what happens when ppl do not
take the time to really listen to and "get" me
and the way i think, feel and react to life
i cannot stop being autistic
i was born this way
what works for you, may not work for me
we just have to keep trying different approaches
then, don't we? No..please don't
please, please don't you give up on me too
oh no..another person has just
washed their hands of me....and now i feel
that all too familiar aura of that person's
disdain hanging heavily in the air
as i go off hanging my head
again in utter shame
each time a person misunderstands and misjudges me
and gets angry at me and won't let me explain
or give me even a fighting chance
makes me that much more afraid to try again
so i mostly hole up inside my house
too afraid to go out, even to get my groceries
i have an aunt who is rich and famous
and she seems to hate me too
because she will not help me either
.......can somebody hear me out there....i am drowning
God, hear my cries.....please...before it is truly too late
and i am left in the cold fog to wither away to nothing.

What My Autism Means To Me

What My Autism Means To Me~~For Autistics Speaking Day 2011
by Melissa Fields on Tuesday, November 1, 2011 at 1:31am
My autism
cannot just be shut off
and taken off
like it is a jacket
I was born this way
I will die this way
I have alot to say
I wish people would take
the time to listen to us
and open their minds and hearts
to us..we are not bad..we are not
mean, selfish people
we are not brats
we have hearts
we feel empathy
we feel, dream, hope
and we care just like you all do
who are normal
we cry, we hurt, we bleed just like you all do
take the time to get to know me
to get to know all of us who are
on the autism spectrum
to hear our individual stories
to see how we cope
to see how our mids process life
before you even attempt to try to come in
to help us, to fix us
we don't need fixing
we just need help and friends and support
judge us not until you have '
walked a week or two in our shoes
beofre you judge and convict us so harshly
let us stim, lt us dream, let us have our bubbles
that we retreat to when the world
becomes so hurtful and unbearable
when we are not able to talk and verbalize
please don;'t jump to conclusions as to
what it is we are trying to say
give us the time to express it when we are able to
I just want to be loved and accepted
for this is a neurological disorder that cannot be cured
only love and patient guidance can help us
to be able to live with our autism
autism is a spectrum of indivual people
We have a voice
we have alot to say
read our stories
get to know each of us
before you judge us and please
don't walk away and give up on us
because we are too complex and hard to reach
because that will only bruise and discourage us even further
Thank you and God bless you, everyone!!!!!!

I Am In Serious Need, Everyone!!

I Am In Serious Need, Everyone......
by Melissa Fields on Wednesday, October 19, 2011 at 7:32pm
This is a reprint of a note i wrote in April.

I Am In Serious Need, Everyone......
by Melissa's Move on Tuesday, April 26, 2011 at 3:19am
I am writing this note because i do not want to lose my health, nor do i want to lose my independence, nor what little quality of life that i have left. I am in serious need here. My physical health..has gone so far downhill because of....where i am at. I can easily make all kinds of caring, beautiful, wonderful friends all over Facebook..most of whom do not flake out on me when things become a challenge....or if have meltdowns. You all are always here to lift me up..and to encourage me along..and to God i give all the glory for all of you who care about me. I so wish you could all live here..what a joy my life would be then...i would no longer feel as if i am on a deserted island without ppl to call upon when i have a need....i would have someone to go with me to my doctor's appointments, and to help me to even get that lawyer i so desperately need, so i can fight to get the business across the street to make their employees and customers stop bullying and terrorizing me. I'd have someone to help me with my technical problems and issues.

I also am in desperate need of a a full-time helper lady.....because it has become even more of a struggle for me to even do my own laundry or even wash my own hair now. I can no longer change my own underwear, or change my own pants, or clip my own toenails, or put on new socks...without it hurting me sooooo very much!!!! I am afraid to take a shower because i fear falling in the shower...and i canot reach certain parts of my body anymore. I'm sorry for being graphic..but this is how bad it is getting for mme now, everyone!!!! I cannot even handle cooking for myself anymore. I even have a hard time unloading and putting away my groceries now. I so badly need tech support for my computer, because certain things are beginning to happen on it..that will need attention sooner or later. I still do not know how to use my iPhone that i got a month ago....!!!!!

Three weeks ago, i was finally able to attend a local church, where i got to talk to the pastor, who promised to help me to learn how to use my iPhone..and i also met two couples there who also promised to help me. But all week went by, and I never heard from the two couples i had met, other than short wall posts on my i went back two Sunday nights ago...and found that one of the couples wasn't there..the pastor left early before i could talk to him about my iPhone..and the other couple who were going to give me the tech support, were very cold and unfriendly towards me. In addition...everyone else at this church...all blew past me like i wasn't even there that night. To make matters worse, tonight, i found out that the one lady who had friended me from that church, the one whose husband was going to help me with my computer and iPhone...had removed me as a friend, without telling me why, and then set her settings so that i would not even be able to send her any messages. What does this kind of thing tell me, when it keeps happening over and over and over again? I am not a leper, nor am i a criminal...i am autistic...and i had thought that these ppl whom i had met understood autism.....

I do not know what i am going to do now. My mother does not have the money to move me. If i move on Section 8...i would not be able to find suitable housing on Section 8 here because all of the Section 8 places that are in this area, are all in the unsafe areas of town. Neither am i willing to go in for any weight loss surgeries, because those are very dangerous, risky things.

I know i could lose weight and bounce back...if i had a stable local support network..and a way to move to a quiet safe place, where i'd still have good high speed internet and easy access to my favorite grocery stores and restaurants.

I realize that Wisconsin is a pipe dream..but...i do have family up in mother is there..and so are two brothers and two of my sisters. I could move there...if i had a way to do so.

I need a way out....i am perishing here. Will someone please help me????