Monday, July 11, 2016

Still Scared, Very Scared

I honestly do not know how much more of this i can take.
I am okay as long as the speed radar trailer is here on my street. But my police dept. has failed in letting me know who my new beat coordinator is. I finally Googled it, and found out that way who he is. My last beat coordinator was supposed to let me know AND he was supposed to introduce him to me. He never did either.
They don’t let me know whether i can have a working speed trailer here on a regular basis for the sake of my health, because without it, the street is so wild i have meltdowns which leave me physically ill—i need to know.
The speed trailer is still here, and i am very grateful it is here….but all i get from the police is silence and he not knowing when or if it will get taken away from me again. The stress of not knowing is getting to me.
I am not posting this to badmouth anyone, but yes, i am upset that police depts. do not do a much better job than this so that REAL bridges are built between them and us….ALL of us, and that includes Disabled people, shut-ins, Black and Brown people, rich, poor, homeless, elderly, etc.
REAL community policing means actual OPEN LINES OF COMMUNICATION between police and us, not this never ending silence, and no answers to my phone calls and emails——and me left hanging as to what’s going to happen next.
I DREAD the day they take this speed trailer away from my street. I SO dread that day. I would hope they would place another working one here, and also place that one on my side of the street where i can see it working.
I also need to get out of this house more often than i do. I used to love going out to eat, going to the movies, going to church, and going to the ocean. I do not get to do any of that anymore, except eat out maybe once a month if i’m lucky, and this gets to me greatly too….because i get so lonely to be able to be around people and involved in my community.
Below is another picture of the RU2 Fast 870 speed radar trailer that is still on my street, but for how much longer, i don’t know.

Friday, July 1, 2016

Scared, Part 3

I am a deeply lonely Autistic and physically disabled adult who has no family support at all from her three brothers, one sister, and their families either, and no real in real life local friends either. I do have love and support from my mother who lives in Idaho, and my eldest sister who lives in Arizona…..but they too are no longer living here… yes, i get VERY lonely, so lonely i want to roll up into a ball, but cannot due to physical disabilities……
I have deep trust and abandonment issues that no one can realize how deep they go….so all of my life i have latched onto certain roads, highways and electronics, usually stereos, and any electronics that are eye catching and i like how they work……and i have made some of the most awesome imaginary friends ever out of these!!! I could write a book just about those awesome friends i have made!!!
Having the speed monitor here on my street where i can see it working for one whole month has been a real therapy to me, and now this morning i am deeply depressed and crushed because the once sturdy folding chair i used to go sit outside, broke underneath me last night… all i have left is an old but still sturdy wooden chair…..and a regular sized bath chair that i don’t use…..(i use a full-sized bath transfer bench for my showers now)… tide me over till i get the new chairs that i did order from Amazon, because thank God for credit cards…..but those chairs won’t be here till Tuesday, and i am scared the police are going to take this speed monitor away from me this next Tuesday……
and do not want to waste any time not being able to spend as much time as i am able to spend with this speed monitor, before it **is** taken from me.I cannot mentally or emotionally afford to **not** sit outside to watch and pretend “talk” and “converse” with my friend who i have made out of this speed monitor…..i have to either use the wooden chair, or the bath chair…or hopefully if Connie can find something, use that, to tide me over till my chairs from Amazon come.
I do get paid today, so i may have Connie get me a chair from somewhere.
I also hope for a way to be able to buy my own speed radar trailer, that is just like the one that is outside.
I just wish and hope i could have in real life friends who would not give up on me, who would get me, and who would take me places and do things with me. I hope and wish i can get a way to move from this awful neighborhood once and for all.
This post is public and shareable. Pictured below is an RU2 Systems Fast 870 speed radar trailer.

Monday, June 27, 2016

Scared, Part 2

Is still so very, very worried and fearful that the police are going to take the speed trailer away from me this week.

I really hope they’ve realized that i have not had to call or email them ever since they came to turn the speed trailer on on June 2nd for me. I hope they get to read the letter the psychiatric nurse i saw this past Thursday, is writing to them. I hope one of my friends can help me start petition to send to the police about this.

I don’t want to have to live on this street anymore, without a working speed trailer here on my side of the street where i can easily see it and monitor it from my house. Because without the speed trailer, my street is wild and i feel unsafe here. Greatly unsafe. The speed trailer makes me feel a sense of security i have never felt ever since i moved here 25 years ago.

Having the speed trailer has meant me being able to actually get outside alot to watch it and take pictures of it, which has resulted in me getting to say hi everyday to some of the business neighbors to my east who i thought didn’t like me…..and finding out that they are friendly…..that they do like me and that they do understand my need to watch the speed trailer working.

One of my favorite servers at a local restaurant who i am friends with here on Facebook, has even seen all of my posts about the speed trailer, and she even agrees it has helped me, and saw how much of a wreck i was when they took the other one away from me on April 25th and left me with no speed trailer at all for one whole month, then put this one here, and did not turn it on till a week after it had been here.

I am praying so hard. My mom is even saying a continuous novena for me that the police will keep a working speed trailer here from now on, till i am able to move from here.
I AM going to try to find some way i can move from here. Hopefully i can be out of here by the first part of 2017, or earlier, if a miracle happens that will open those doors for me.

Below, is another picture of the speed trailer. It really has become a good imaginary friend to me that i feel i greatly need at this time of my life. I hope the police will please understand this and let me keep this one, which is an RU2 Systems Fast 870 speed trailer, or the Wanco speed trailer, either one is fine with me.

Sunday, June 26, 2016


I have been really blessed to have a nice working speed radar trailer here, which has been here for over three weeks now. But now that it will be week four, will the police take it from me this week and leave me here with nothing once again? This really is worrying me. It is worrying me greatly.
I so dread going back to the wild street and me having those awful meltdowns that i was having again. And being without my friend again. I don't know if i will be able to handle this this time.
I pray it doesn't happen. I pray they let me have either this or the Wanco one, and that they keep switching between the two, for the sake of my health and sense of safety. Till i am able to move from here.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Update On My Situation

I just realized it’s been a month since i last blogged. I have been enjoying being able to have a new speed radar trailer on my street for the past month. After making two frantic tearful phone calls to two police sergeants, they finally came and turned the speed trailer they had placed on my street on May 25th, on—on June 2nd is when they turned it on—–8 days after they had placed it here.
To be honest, i actually love this new speed trailer a lot more than i did the Wanco one i had had before. This new speed trailer is an RU2 Systems Fast 870, and it actually looks and works even better than the Wanco did. The same imaginary friend that i had made up for the Wanco one, is my friend in this speed trailer also. I feel safer here again.
I realize this is just s temporary fix for my overall situation though. I still badly need to move, and i very much want to move to either the
San Francisco Bay area,
the Pacific Northwest,
New York City,
New York State,
Long Island NY,
or the New England areas.
Because many of my Facebook Autistic Community friends live in these areas, and i know in my heart of hearts that i would have a much better chance of meeting even more cool people,
of being actually able to get out of my house to go places and do things,
and i would have a better chance at getting help for my legs,
and many other vital services i have not been able to get living on the Central CA Coast.
Most importantly, i know i would not suffer from the deep aloneness and loneliness that i suffer from here whenever my caregiver/friend Connie isn’t here to help me. Most of my family literally shun and ignore me like i just don’t exist to them. Here, i am disconnected from people, and my community. Even though i was born and raised here.
I need a way out. or i am going to perish. A human being was not made to be alone and isolated from life…..and i am, all of that…..and being so hurts me so very deeply like no one can know or realize.
I live in daily fear that this new speed trailer will also be taken away, and then my street will be back to wild loud fast screaming noise again, and me having constant meltdowns from the time i wake up to the time night falls…..and me losing my imaginary friend yet again.
It should not have to be this way. For any of us.
I am calling for police departments to start listening to us Autistics, to learn about us, to understand us, and our plights and needs, and to accomodate us where we are at in life.
I am calling for all people to listen to us, learn about us, and understand us.
We are human beings. Please stop ignoring us and turning us way. Please stop ignoring me and turning me away.
(Below is an up close picture i took of the new speed trailer. My coping mechanism for a life that has truthfully, become unbearable. This speed trailer makes me feel safer again while having to live in this awful neighborhood.)
Image description: Below picture is of a street at sunset, looking East, with tall metal building, trucks, cars, trees, a light pole, and the speed radar trailer is at the center of this picture. The speed trailer frame is white, with a “Your Speed sign on top of a white framed electronic black message board, with the number 23 on it, as i took this picture as a driver was passing by. Below the electronic sign, is a white metal speed sign that says “Speed Limit 25 MPH. Below that is a large white metal box mounted on a small painted white trailer frame, on two tires. These trailers are designed to be towed anywhere where they are needed to calm traffic in problem areas. My street is a problem area.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

I Don’t Get To Have The Speed Monitor Back Now

I am calling for any of my friends who would be willing to make a phone call to the police dept on my behalf, please,
who know my whole situation with this street,
my need for the speed trailer both because it calmed the traffic considerably,
and to make them understand how this particular speed trailer, of which i have posted almost 100 pictures of already, actually became a FRIEND to me… please plead my case to them.
I have been desperately unhappy since it’s been gone off of my street.
Today i learned it is not coming back on my street at least until after June.
I don’t feel i can wait that long.
In addition, they want to RAISE the current 25 MPH speed limit to 30!!! That will only make things even worse for me, because then people will REALLY scream through here!!!
I have no choice but to live here until such time as i have the money to be able to move to a place that i KNOW will be sensory-friendly.
I have been having more meltdowns again, and since learning i am not getting this speed trailer back, i am feeling like my health is leaving my body, that i am dying now.
I am not in good health anymore as it is, and this speed sign being here made me a lot more happy, not just calmer, happier!!
That speed monitor kept me calm….kept me from having the unhealthy meltdowns.
Can someone please help me get this speed monitor back in front of my house more frequently? Please?

Monday, April 25, 2016

My April 2016 Appeal

For those of you who don’t know me, i am an Autistic and physically Disabled housebound 55 year old adult who is literally dying of loneliness and severe cabin fever. I will be 56 in May, and i still have at least ten more years ahead of me.
I have friends online, on Facebook, but no in real life local friends. My family all moved out of state far away—to Idaho, and one sister in Arizona— when i was still doing well, so i now have nobody, except for my caregiver. When she comes, she comes six days a week, in the afternoons and early evenings. When she is here, i am fine, but when she is not, i go through agony, and find myself sleeping to pass the time, because i can’t just get out and go places like i want anymore—like i used to be able to do. I can’t even take walks anymore. Because i now have very limited mobility—and because of the bullies in my neighborhood who may taunt me if they see me outside of my house.
I never got married, never had children, so when my caregiver isn’t here, all i can do, aside from sleeping to kill he time, is go onto Facebook to talk to my online friends, and post about Autistic and Disability issues and politics mainly— and pick up the phone and call my mom and talk to her. I do have a few shows i like to watch on TV, plus i also watch YouTube. But i so long to have local in real life friends who would come visit me and take me to the nearby ocean, which i still love. Or to the movies. Or out to eat.
Why don’t i just move to where my mom lives? I don’t have the money to do so, and neither does anyone in my family. In fact, the rest of my siblings, their spouses, and my nieces and nephews all ignore and shun me. They have absolutely nothing to do with me.
In 1987, i was finally able to move away from my parents to a small cottage in the back of another house, where i had wonderful elderly neighbors who helped bring me out of the shell i was in. In 1990, i learned how to drive, secured my driver’s license, and an older car. I became determined to try to get myself off of government aid, so i spent the next decade—all of the ’90’s—-appealing to agency after agency—and soon gave that up, because i had no luck. Because i was always deemed ineligible for services.
In May of 1991, i had to move from that nice place, to one of my sister’s rentals, and that was when things began a downhill slide that has only gotten worse. The reason i am still alive today, is due to my so far, strong faith, my will to go on, and being able to develop creative unique ways to cope as a small child…..i still use those unique coping mechanisms today.
Now, two and a half decades, after enduring lots of neighborhood bullying—-more on that later—-several friendships ending with those friends turning against me, plus, several traumatic caregiver experiences, i have once again stopped driving and gone back into a shell. I am once again afraid to go anywhere by myself—petrified, in fact, and must have my caregiver accompany me everywhere i go outside of this house now. I now have severe noise sensitivity issues, and severe abandonment and trust and PTSD issues. I have several meltdowns a day now due to various things.
I am still a human being, with feelings, and a heart, and i am suffering—not because i’m Autistic, but because most people still don’t get—or seem to want to get Autism. Also because of the noisy neighborhood i have been trapped having to live in for the past 24 years, and because of my steadily worsening physical health. My mobility is now quite limited due to a circulatory condition (Lymphedema) that developed on my legs. I can still walk short distances, but only with the aid of a cane and walker. I badly need a mobility scooter. I also badly need to have my bathroom retrofitted with a large walk-in shower that i can get in and out of easily, because the current standard tub shower is next to impossible for me to get in and out of, most days.
Unfortunately, the reason why the neighborhood i have been living in for the past two plus decades has been bad for me, is that—-on top of the noise, has been that most of my neighbors early on, all assumed i was a “crazy lady”. Why?
My problems began with two mean girls next door to me, just 11 months after i moved here,who both turned against me and began to taunt and torment me–and then, because i live in a mixed residential/light industrial zone, several other neighbors in a restaurant supply business, a food bank, and two auto shops, all began to notice me and bully me too——because the mean girls’ behavior resulted in me having loud meltdowns where i would scream in sheer terror at their loud deliberate taunting and loud music being blared right into my house.
After that, it was like i was reliving my entire painful childhood all over again, where i was afraid of all kinds of loud noises—and i once again became afraid of certain loud noises.
Today, even though a police officer has now been able to help to calm many of my problems down, my PTSD prevents me from overcoming the noise sensitivity, plus i am now so battle-fatigued by all of the bullying and tauntings i have endured from the mean girls, then the other business employees, that i now feel like i am half-dead all the time. I am tired all the time. I sleep in two shifts, for three hours after my caregiver leaves in the evenings—-and then for another five hours in the mornings till about 1:30 PM. Ironically i use the loud volume of my own TV and my own music—-to cover the outside neighborhood noises—-because i am able to handle noises that i see as “friendly” noises—-if that makes sense. And i consider my TV and music to be “friendly” noise.
Therapy has never helped because most mental health professionals want to dope me up, and then play what i find to be twisted weird and very ableistic head games with me—-they want to fix and cure me like NOW.
PTSD is a thing that cannot easily be cured. it can be treated, but not cured. And Autism—-definitely cannot be cured. And people should stop trying to cure the Autism out of us.
The reason i’m writing this is that i need help with several things, for the sake of what is left of my health and sanity.
One, i need to move from this neighborhood to a small house that is in a nice quiet neighborhood where i will have nice neighbors, and they won’t be right upstairs, downstairs, or right next to me. And no, i don’t want to move to Idaho or Arizona, because it is too hot in both places, and i am very sensitive to weather that is too hot. Plus—living with my mom is also out—-i am a very hard person to live with, because i have my weird sleep schedule and i have a lot of quirks and routines.
Two, i need a mobility scooter that my caregiver can easily handle, and a place with ramps, and disabled accessible bathroom.
Three, i really long to have local friends who get and accept Autistic adults the way we are, who will be like a second family to me—-who will take me places and come visit me, and maybe i could even go to church with them, so long as it’s a liberal church—-because i am a progressive liberal, and i am pro-LGBTQIA.
And four, i need a good doctor who won’t body shame me, but who will help me to get the leg surgery i also badly need to remove a large leg tumor that is the size of a basketball that is on my left leg.
I really feel if i had these things, my happy will come back. I so wish i had some real help in these areas. Please.