About My Posts and Writings--About Me

I am a person who takes things very personally. I am a very sensitive person.

This is how i have been my whole life.

When things happen in my life that are huge and monumental, especially when they involve huge hurts, it takes time for my brain, body, and soul to process and fully get over it. It takes Alot of time.

Sometimes years.

I have good days when i think i am okay, but then i have those bad days, where the memories of a certain hurt will flood me, and i am brought to my knees, grieving all over again.

I am also autistic, and i have grown to be very proud of my autism. I consider my autism to be a blessing, a different operating system of sorts.....i do not consider myself to be a research project or a blue puzzle piece or a disease, nor am i an epidemic, or a burden or a tsunami. Nor do i consider myself someone who is in need of a fix or cure. I did not always feel this way. Before Facebook, and especially when i was growing up, i wanted to be normal. I grew up thinking that if i was just normal, i would be accepted by others, i would "belong"----i would fit in. I was even into Autism Speaks for awhile---because i had the mistaken idea that they were for me. But something happened to me after coming onto Facebook and posting my feelings on, of all things, an Autism Speaks comment thread. It was through that comment thread, that i immediately began to meet a huge community of awesome friends, many of whom are also who are also on the autism spectrum. Quickly, my mindset changed. Because i allowed myself to be educated...rather, re-educated.

For it is real human beings who i have met,

people who have real personalities,

people who have a heart,

people who have a sense of humor,

people who are married,

some who go to college,

many who have children,

some who have jobs,

some who also go to Washington to speak to Congress about the real issues we who are autistic face.

The people i have met, are people from all ends of the autism spectrum, who do not fit the stereotypical view of what an autistic person "should" be like. I have been educated as to the very real issues we still face today.....one of the biggest issues being the stigma that still runs rampant among the mindsets of even those who are autism parents and advocates, about us. There are even a very small number of autistics who feel this way.

We are NOT blue puzzle pieces. We are human beings with dreams and goals just like all of you in the neurotypical world.

There are still those who want to come in and get mad and get right in our faces and yell at us and scold us when we have bad days, and have meltdowns....they want to come in and try to fix us when we are right smack dab in the middle of a meltdown, treating our meltdowns just as if we are a spoiled kid throwing a temper tantrum.

NO.

THIS IS THE WRONG WAY TO APPROACH US WHEN WE ARE HAVING A MELTDOWN. A MELTDOWN IS NOT A TEMPER TANTRUM.

A MELTDOWN IS AS DIFFERENT AS DAY IS TO NIGHT FROM A TEMPER TANTRUM.

A temper tantrum happens when a kid wants a toy or candy, and the parent says no, and the kid starts screaming and crying, as a way to manipulate the parent into relenting and saying yes.

A temper tantrum happens when a kid wants a toy or candy, and the parent says no, and the kid starts screaming and crying, as a way to manipulate the parent into relenting and saying yes.

A meltdown happens when an autistic person's senses become overloaded. The whole room starts to spin and it is as if there is a bombardment of wild colors, and different noises clashing, all coming at me in haphazard fashion.....it is as if i am being poked hard all over, as i am being spun all around too fast, and i can actually feel the hot breath of you, the neurotypical, yelling at me in the middle of it all, and then i spiral down and shut down even further.

Please don't yell at me and scold me when i am having a meltdown. It will make it even worse. I promise you.

It will make my meltdown worse.

One of the ways i cope with anything that is troubling me, is to vent by posting and writing about it. I do this to better understand and process through it. I do it because it is the only way i know of how to cope with it. I cannot cope any other way. And i know my friends will get what i am feeling, and not scold and chastise me for it.

God has given me the gift of being able to write.

Please don't shut me up when i want to talk and need to talk. Please don't stop me from writing about how i feel. I do it also to educate...to make others understand. To make the NT world understand.

The note that i wrote last night, was in NO way meant to convey anything other than where i am mentally and emotionally at right now...it wasn't meant to say that i have turned my back on God, for i have NOT turned my back on God....but guess what? I am still not over what that ex-friend did to me last year. And right now, certain Scriptures, certain Christian rock songs, etc, all bring back to me the painful memories of what that ex friend did to me. That whole experience of how he turned on me, still haunts me and impacts my life so greatly one year later, that i am still sometimes brought right to my very knees by it. I still have very profound and painful nightmares about that ex-friend.

I still very much need to vent and talk about it.

It helps me to be able to have that freedom to come here to Facebook and talk and vent about the things that traumatize me...the thing with (Roger---not his real name) shook me to my very core. He may as well of blasted me with a cannon. Because what he did, was like a rape of my very self essteem, safety, security, and who i am as a person......

I had another dream about him just this morning. He will not leave me alone in my dreams. You can talk to me and lecture me till i am blue in the face, but i am not yet over what he did to me.....no amount of you teling me to get over this, will make it happen.....yes, it will happen in time.....but you cannot force it to happen by your lectures and self help strategies and self help books.

Just as you cannot go to a rosebush and force open the buds to force them to bloom now....

I am still in the grieving process over what was done to me last year, 

And then on top of my ex-friend turning on me, i had to endure more emotional agony from the caregiver i had from May through October of last year, when she too began to take her bad moods out on me, yell at me, belittle me, and tell me i was stupid, and that i needed to just take my autism off and be normal.....

My family did all of this to me growing up, and this still keeps happening, and brings my childhod right back up to me....

It seems that the only real support i get, is through all of my Facebook friends who DO get this...and ME!!

I am also very head shy, and when you yell at me....i feel like i am being slapped and hit right on my head!!!!!!!

I cannot stand it when people yell at me, so please stop....please....or one of these days i will make good on my threat to hop a bus to Rhode Island, and then i will  be in a safe place where i am surrounded by people who actually get and accept autism!!!!!

My autism is not going to go away!!!!!!! Neither is the voice i have to express what this is like to be continually yelled at, shut down, shut up, squelched, thrown away, and muzzled by you, the NT world, who still make it so hard to be Autistically Me. To just be Me. Period.

Please don't raise and shake your index finger and talk down to me anymore.

I am not a child.

Please don't preface your statements with "You need to do this"

"There's no need to be upset"

"There's no need to feel like this", anymore.

Please don't tell me no, and give me no options to work with.

Please don't hand me ultimatums. I cannot work with ultimatums.

Instead, ask me how i want things to be done...ask me how before you jump in and assume i want things a certain way. I have rituals, and want and have to have my things to be a certain way.

Please respect that. Please respect the world, the bubble that i am in. It is my world. I am inviting you in because i trust you. If that trust is broken, my world is broken.

I want to be validated, not dismissed, and you are dismissing me when you talk at me and talk over me in that manner.

I want to die because of how i keep getting treated by all of you, in the NT world....

Please stop.....

Please stop shunning me

Please include me in your conversations....in your fun events.

Please don't talk over and interrupt me when i am talking anymore

Please don't tell me how i should and should not feel anymore--i process things differently and in my own way...and at my own pace.

I just want to know it is okay to Be Me.....

And please don;t chastise me and be angry that i wrote this note.....

I love you all, my friends. God bless you.

Please Listen--I Am Autistic--I Am Not Just Hurting--I Am In Pieces!!

I am autistic....i am not a criminal

I am autistic....and i am so lonely and alone

I feel so utterly cold and cut off

Please do not belittle me

Please do not discount my feelings

Please do not discount what i say

Please do not blow me off and ignore me

Please do not judge me and make assumptions of me

Please do not stereotype me, i have a personality, i do care, i do have a sense of humor

Please do not get fed up, walk off, and throw me away

Just because i am too difficult  and just not convenient for you to be friends with

Please don't feel free to talk down to me, yell at me, and call me names

Please don't feel that you can threaten me and make me feel threatened

Please don't try to shut me down, shut down on me, or shut me up

Please don't laugh at me and make fun of me like i am a joke

Please stop deliberately making noise just to hear my meltdown

Please stop bullying me and tormenting me

I am NOT this way by choice

I was born this way

My autism is me, this is who i am

And who i will be till the day i die

I am once again broken into a million pieces

because yet another person has come into ly life and has promised

never to turn against me, never to give up on me

And yet she has done just that

Just as my other ex-friend and other caregivers did

These things not only hurt, they take me down to the very floor

And then it gets all that much harder to trust yet again

I am scared to death that my new caregiver will also walk out on me

I am scared to death that most of my family will always ignore me

I am scared to death that i will never find the right care that is autism-friendly

I am scared to death that i will never get to see New York, New England, 

All the Eastern US, and the states of Michigan and Wisconsin

I am scared i will even have my meager tiny government benefits

Cut or taken away altogether

I am scared that i will just be thrown into a home

To continue to waste away till finally i just die

Someone PLEASE help me

PLEASE......Do i even MATTER to anyone here where i live????????

Do i even MATTER to any of you here on California's golden Central Coast?????

Ask All Of Those Who Will Not Understand.....

Ask all of those who will not understand

All who discount me

and who will not listen to me

and respect me

Ask all those who shun me 

and want me to just shut up 

and to have no voice

Ask all of those who put words in my mouth 

and who won't let me speak to even defend myself

Ask all of those who accuse me of lying and imagining things

Ask all of those who say i just make a big deal out of nothing 

and that i blow things way out of proportion

Ask all of those who walk away 

and throw me in the garbage 

because i am not convenient to them

I Have Changed......

You know, the events of this past year....the way my ex-friend suddenly, without explanation, turned so viciously against me, and all the trouble i had with two private caregiving agencies, plus having several county caregivers walk out on me, plus having two county caregivers that i did like, hurt and abuse me....has done something deep within my soul. Deep, deep, very deep.

Oh, i still believe in God, i still pray to Him....i still believe in His angels.....i still believe He loves me.....i still believe in Heaven and eternal life, and the power of prayer....i still also believe in miracles, and that God heals us.

However.....

I have actually stopped wanting to listen to any Christian rock....

I don't pray as often....

I have zero desire to read the Bible...as it actually bores me to tears.....

or to listen to any Bible verses, because my ex friend was always, always quoting bible verses

I no longer want to step inside of a church

Or hear any of the worship music

Or hear people tell me how real God is

Or say all those churchy things that people love to say

I have stopped liking all of the Christian Facebook pages that i liked for so long

My ex-friend was a christian.

I was hurt deeply by him....so deeply that i did almost feel i was going to die.....

I've been hurt time and again by church after church i have gone to

and by those who profess to be Born Again and On-Fire for God

I just got banned from the page of a local youth-oriented church that i did want to go to

Most of my family shun me

Most of my neighbors here think of me as a pariah and a monster

I don't think that i am becoming an atheist or an agnostic

but i don't want to talk alot about God anymore or listen to the music anymore because it does remind me of my ex friend and all our times together

and i don't want to hear how real God is, or how much He loves me and knows every hair on my head

because it just makes me feel as if i am having all of the unpleasant hurts associated with my walk with Christianity

rubbed right in my face, if that makes sense?

because to me, Christianity and Christian people have preached at me, tried to fix and cure me, they have shunned me hurt me, and let me down....

Time

and

time

and

time

and

time

again

I may start listening to heavy metal again.....all of the music i was told by churches that was wrong and evil and the devil's music.....

All i know is that my relationship with God, no matter what i ultimately decide to do, is going to be between me and Him, or Her now.....it is going to be on MY terms and not what any other Church or Christian tells me i need to do and not do, anymore.

I'm Autistic---Let Me Explain--But You Won't, because To All Of You, I Will Always Be Just A Monster

I'm sorry i haven't posted in a long time....i have mostly been posting alot on Facebook and on my YouTube channel. You see, i got an iPhone 4 two years ago. And a webcam. This enabled me to videoblog more. I forgot i still had a Blogger account, and just never went here anymore.... But...suffice it to say, things are pretty much still the same....i still live here on 

Mean Bully Monster Street!!

I am still very much hated by my neighbors, sadly......!!!!!  

My latest incident involves one of the businesses to my East, where they have two boxer dogs, and the owners are a young couple with three young children. They used to be VERY nice to me! Now they are not, because of another individual who decided to make a new issue out of their dogs, just to stir things up between me and them. They got me involved, and to make a long story short, now, me and this young couple are on the outs as well.

You see, i don't have very good people skills to begin with....i do in some cases where i am around people who are genuinely nice and accepting of me...but when i feel like people don't like me....i shut down and can become just like a gorilla with people....not that i'm a monster....this is my defense mechanism!!

A few days ago, the male owner walked by as my homecare nurse was leaving and i was outside saying goodbye to her. (Earlier in February, i had a scar on my abdomen that abcessed, and i had to go to the hospital for three days and have it treated...then they sent me home and i had a wound care nurse for the past month and a half. I also now have a personal care worker. My physical and emotional health has gone even more downhill in these past two years due to the fact that i still have not been able to secure a better place to live, or good healthcare or personal care.....

Anyway, this man came past my house and began talking and laughing, and i felt for the life of me, that he was directing it towards me in a derisive mean manner....i mean, after all, i have come to expect this from all of my neighbors here, because i am hated, remember, by most of them...and by my own family, because i am autistic and so complex, difficult, and i have lots of meltdowns, lots of hang-ups, quirks, and fears, and phobias....so....i went on the Facebook page of this business and wrote the following, edited for the privacy of the people involved:

 "Mr Bean, I would greatly appreciate it if you would please not go by my house and laugh at me and make snide mean remarks at me or to my guests who come here anymore. I know you guys all sem to really dislike me over there, and i can't change that, but maybe if you opened your mind, and realized that i am disabled, autistic, and i cannot help much of what i say and do when upset, you would start to give me some slack here. I am not the monster that everyone on this street has perported me to be...please give me some respect over here....please!! Sincerely, Melissa"

And then, because i had typos, i tried to correct the typos: 

 "8Seem *Seem is what i meant to say. I'm sorry for the typos; please don't dunce me for that too!! Again, i'm a human being, with feelings.....not the monster you all think i am!!!!"

Tonight, i get this response...and though it shouldn't of surprised me, it did both surprise and it also hurt my feelings, because it was not a friendly response at all! It hurt me because i have always, always, always wanted for everyone to like and accept me....i have been like this my whole life and when people don't like me, i just feel like everything is all haywire....i meltdown....i hate the skin i am in when i know i am not liked and welcome.....which i am not here, even though this is supposed to be my own home, i still feel so utterly unwanted here.....anyway, here's his response....

 "Melissa I have absolutely no clue what you are talking about. We do not speak to any guests who come to your house nor do walk by and make remarks about you. We have always respected your privacy. Please respect ours and not send these types of messages to our business applications."

My response?

"  Sorry, i thought you were talking to me the other day. It is not easy to have the disabilities i have. I am not trying to be mean, nor was i trying to be mean when i wrote you before. Believe me when i say i can hardly wait to move and get away from this neighborhood. I know that i am not welcome here, because everyone seems to think of me as a monster. I am not. I am an adult who is autistic.....just trying to get by the best that i know how......sorry i offend you all......"

I AM sorry that i seem to offend and piss everyone off!!

I am not a monster.

I am autistic.

There is a huge difference.

Please understand that and cut me some slack here!!

I wish to High Heaven this world would stop demonizing and hating and shunning and laughing me off.

I am autistic...but i am still a human being....i still have a voice.....i still matter.

I am not a disease or a burden or a tsunami.

I am just me.

Seeking Literary Expertise And Support

My purpose is three-fold as follows:

1) Finding an experienced published author who's patient and understanding of autism to work with me on a pro-bono basis in writing and helping me publish my autobiography.

2) With autism/asperger's on the rise, the primary intent of my autobiography is to lend insight, educate, and spread awareness to this condition affecting thousands upon thousands of people and their families. Many normal people (without autism/asperger's) react to us hostily or they shun us and harshly pull away. They don't think we have feelings or suffer pain as they do. We are "not" different in that way, which is what I intend to make clear in my autobiography. We are only different in that we have varied and complex sensory points and lack normal interactory people skills. This does not make us dangerous unless we are put on, or forced to take, certain medications which have the known and proven side-effects to cause even a normal person to lose control. I have not been on any such medications, nor do i ever wish to be. I also wish to show in my autobiography that, while we have difficult complexities to struggle with, we also have varied personal quirks which we like and don't wish to change. Most of us with autism/asperger's like a big part of who we are, even if normal people don't, and all we're asking is to be respected and understood just as we respect and try to understand normal people for how they are. It's called, "working together," or does that only imply to normal people?

3) Lastly, 19+ years ago, my well-meaning parents set up a non-funded trust and home for me in what was then a nice section of town. It is no longer a "nice" part of town and my family doesn't have the financial means to relocate me (the financial part is a little complicated). Suffice to say, I'm hoping some of the proceeds from this book will help me to relocate. My health depends on this happening. The street noise, in the particular location where I live, is horrendous coupled with the fact that there are auto shops nearby and some of the men who work in them are not autism understanding, to say the least. Noise and cruel/harsh words are major sensory issues for most people with autism/asperger's, as will be explained in my autobiography.

Clic

My 2011 Thanksgiving, Spent Lonely and Alone

My 2011 Thanksgiving, Spent Lonely And Alone
by Melissa's Move on Sunday, November 27, 2011 at 2:27am
I was so lucky and blessed last year (2010), to have a place to go on Thanksgiving. I had just reconsciled with a high school friend who had found me on Facebook in February of last year, through my autism blogs and the first two radio shows that i had done, so that Thanksgiving, i went over to her mother's house and spent that whole afternoon and evening with their whole family. Unfortunately, i am once again estranged from my high school friend, as she, sadly, did not possess alot of patience or understanding of how i think, how i process things, and how i still dream of being able to do certain things with my life....i am so depressed about losing her friendship yet again...and am also so depressed that i was not able to go there this year, as i really enjoyed being around her family last year. I loved having a place to go, really loved having someone here locally to talk to, and to hang out with, and when she got angry at me again, it actually really devastated me.

In 2008, my nice sister and her husband came out to his father's house because they thought they were going to be able to move back here..that didn't work out, and they moved back to Arizona in March of 2009. But when they were here, i got to spend Thanksgiving 2008 out at their house, which was 15 miles South of where i live. And i really enjoyed that too, as my sister's husband's family were all so bubbly-friendly and easy to be around. I felt accepted at both my friend's mother's place, and at my sister's place too.

The food at both my friend's mother's place, and my sister's place...was awesomely delicious too; my sister even had ham, which i love more than i like turkey...and i enjoy good comfort food so much, but am unable to cook full meals for myself due to my sensory issues with cooking....the preparation, cooking, and cleaning up afterwards? I can't handle any of it...i can only handle making simple things, such as simple sandwiches, or a bowl of cereal, and heating already prepared things in my microwave.

Most of my Thanksgivings are so very lonely for me, though.....as i usually have nowhere to go. I have three brothers and three sisters, all of whom are married with the exception of two sisters who are widowed, and numerous nieces and nephews...but most of them are all now in Idaho and Arizona, along with my mother too...i do have one brother, his wife and two teenage college-aged boys who still live here near me...but he and his family always, without fail, go out of town each and every Thanksgiving, leaving me here alone to fend for myself. They never call me to see how i am doing, or even call me to wish me a happy Thanksgiving...they just leave, without giving me any consideration. And it hurts me so much...so deeply!!

Thanksgiving--and some Christmases too--i have to prepare for in advance. Because most of the good restaurants and stores are closed on Thanksgiving Day. I have to, the day before, get in my car and go hunt down iced tea and food to eat here, so i am not having to face going out to either Carl's Jr. or Jack In The Box to eat a fast food meal that often tastes like crap, and that is often served by unfriendly inpersonal store employees who don't give a darn about if i am lonely and aching just for a friendly smile and hello on my lonely holiday.

My brother went up to Mammoth Lakes again this year, even after i told his wife how much it would mean to me if i could spend at least one Thanksgiving with them. In addition, they will sometimes even go out of town at Christmastime, which means i am alll alone then too!! This brother and wife and boys, all know how badly i am doing, how much my physical health has gone downhill....yet, they will never call me or stop by to ask if i ever need anything, or to see how i am doing. I was never invited to either of my nephews' high school graduations either. In March, i went there to my brothers to talk to him, to tell him how lonely i am and what i neeed...and was not allowed to come inside because my brother had a cold. I had to stand and talk to my nephew and sister in law out on their front porch. I asked A if i could have alittle financial help, even if it is just to have dinner with them once in awhile. She flatly refused, saying they were having it rough, and could not even have me over for dinner once in awhile. My sweet nephew did pipe up to tell me i was still welcome to come there at Christmastime if they were there and not going out of town...and he said i would be in his thoughts and prayers. But....they never call me, never come by to visit me.

My mother and other family all moved to Idaho during the '90's, thinking i would be okay, because at that time, i was still in decent physical health, and was plugged into a good Christian Singles ministry here on the Central Coast, where i did have lots of good, kind and accepting friends from that group, which was based up in Arroyo Grande...but the things i have been through on this street that i have lived on for the past 20 years...has slowly but steadily eroded both my emotional and physical health and well-being, to where i can barely function anymore.....these days it is as if i live in a long tunnel, because it's like all of my dreams have died now....i am lterally just waiting for either an 11:59 PM miracle,...or for God to just take me Home...yes. my health is getting that bad, that serious. I have to deal with several mean vicious men in four nearby auto repair shops who seem to make it their almost daily mission to bully and terrorize the living daylights out of me with their loud banshee yells, loud horn honking and loud hot rodding and loud burn outs from their loud souped up cars, pickups, SUV's and motorcycles.

The police are unsympathetic...so is the mayor and city government, to my plight. There are literally no services or resources for me here on the Central Coast. I am stuck here until i get a miracle and can move. And i feel that am dying.

In the meantime...i just want friends who i can hang out with who will accept me as i am....and a place to go at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Thank you and God bless you all!!!