Friday, April 17, 2015

I Am Autistic, And I Am Doing The Best I Know How To Do

I try so hard to educate people about my Autism, and i still get misunderstood and misjudged.
It makes me want to give up, go into a cocoon, and not even try anymore.
I try my best to fit into a world that is still sadly not geared towards Autistic children and adults. 
A world that still sadly does not get Autism and Autistic people.
Because we are still wrongly thought of as spoiled, and selfish, and behavior problems.

I know i come off as very demanding, and inflexible, for example.....but i have, over the years, developed these certain coping mechanisms because of
growing up in a mostly unsupportive family who teased and taunted me,
because of where i have had to live with the bullies and their noises for the past 23 years,
and because i have always, always gotten highly upset when i think ppl are against me or angry at me, or i think they dislike me.
I have always been very very sensitive to how ppl treat me.....and i know that that too, comes off as like i am selfish,

but i am NOT a selfish person. Neither am i lazy, or spoiled.

It is so hard to explain Autism to those who don't get it, or don't want to get that certain awful senator who likened us to being brain dead.....and a catastrophe....and a tragedy. 

But i am who i am. God made me this way, and God made all of us Autistics the way we are.
Because God wanted for our world to be neurodiverse.

I am still a human being with feelings. Deep deep feelings.
I still love, i still care, i still feel, I still have deep empathy and compassion for everyone. 
I don't lie, cheat, or steal. 
But my neurology alone, prevents me from being able to get along well with people, handle people, keep friends, cook for myself, wash my own dishes, do housecleaning and etc.,......then come my physical health issues which compounds my inabilities even more now. 
I can now no longer drive and am mostly housebound due to my legs now, so i need to have a caregiver to take care of all of these needs and my outside needs as well.
I love the caregiver that i have now. I love her to the moon and back. 
But honestly, i would so love to be able to drive and have my own car again.
I kinda miss my little white Toyota Tercel.
I so miss the drives i used to love to take around the Central Coast.
I so miss the ocean, and its majestic waves, and the beautiful scent of the salty sea air. 

I at least want to drive and be able to shower myself and dress myself again. 

I will still need help at least with being able to have someone with me when going out and doing my own shopping, and errands, and trips to medical places, and with housecleaning, and keeping my kitchen clean, because of my lack of spoons to be able to do those things myself now. 

After what has happened to me with losing friends, ppl turning against me, etc., the past three years, i am now petrified of going anyplace by myself anymore, and i now need someone with me.

I have had bad experiences in medical offices and now need someone to speak for me when i lose my words and spoons to talk.  

The demanding traits i have, are my way that i cope with what i can't handle. I
Because i don;'t know how to do things like ignore and tune out what upsets me----because i lack those filters to be able to do so.
So my defense mechanism is to try to control my environment to where i won't be taken way too far out of my safe zone, if that makes sense.

Because of my sensory issues with things that are too upsetting and overwhelming to me.

I do know how to compromise and to meet people halfway, and to give and take, to a point. But when i feel i am pushed too hard, that i am not heard, my anxiety levels go up, then i go into meltdowns and then deep dark depressions where i cannot rest, relax, or sleep.

I AM trying my best.
With what tools i do have available to me,
and how many spoons i have available to me.
Please have patience with i am still learning and growing.
I would never hurt anyone, whether human or animal.
It really hurts and grieves my heart and spirit when this world still sees me and my Autistic community friends as a tidal wave, tsunami, catastrophic tragedy, and an epidemic, that should be cured and eradicated and fixed with abusive and dangerous therapies like ABA and bleach enemas.

Please accept me and my friends, please get to know us, and i mean get to really know us, and then you will see that we are not tragedies, you will see our true human spirit, our love, our creativity, our sense of humor, and our personhood and value, as the human beings we are.

Thank you. 

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

How My Days And Nights Go Lately

Ever since i sprained my leg tumor in the ambulance on the morning of Feb. 16th, when they forced it behind my knee, to where i had to ride all the way to the hospital with that rock sitting right underneath my knee, so that i would not fall off the thin gurney, it has not been the same. Yes, the huge pains are gone, and i can walk more around the house without pain, and ride in Connie's (my caregiver and friend) car without pain again, but now, i once again have one of those nice lymphedema ulcers on the very bottom of my "pet rock". I hate this rock. I don't know what ever i did wrong to deserve to have this develop on my left inner thigh, because i can no longer drive or get in and out of my tub shower because of it. It has impacted me mentally too. It has impacted me by making my jail worse than it used to ever be.

My "pet rock" is more like a huge ball and chain around my left inner thigh.

I have been in alot of very dark depressions since Feb. 16th too, and these depressions are getting worse too. Along with these depressions come panic attacks of anxiety and worry that things are just going to keep getting worse.....that there is never going to be a way out for me, because somehow i am being punished for something i did wrong in my past. Punished for my whole life on this earth.
So is the too, is getting worse.
I have stopped watching the YouTube vidoes i used to so enjoy every night.....not because i don't want to watch them anymore, but because many of them don't play right on my computer in fullscreen mode anymore. I am trying to get someone to comne look at my computer to see what is going on. I really miss watching my YouTube videos. 
So, i have been watching alot more TV. And sleeping alot more too...when i am able to, or my body let me, go on my long sleeping spells, that really helps me to get through these long lonely days and even longer nights of being housebound, stuck behind these same four walls, looking at mostly concrete, tin buildings, and asphalt.
My only human contacts are my daily phone conversations with my mother who moved up to an inner mountains state in April of 1996, along with two of my three brothers, and two of my three sisters, and all of their families.
I also have Connie who comes six afternoons and early evenings a week to help take care of me.
And i have all of you, my sweet angels on facebook...all ofyou here on Facebook, Connie, my mom, and two nice sisters are all my sweet angel friends. 
But when i can't be online, and Connie is not here......i literally ache to the very pit of my soul due to the dark pit of loneliness deep within me.
As i stated before, the whole entire rest of my family who always treated me like i was a separate entity growing up, still shun and ignore me.
Yes, my eldest brother prays for me several times a day, and he also has lots and lots of Catholic Masses said for me.
But he is too nervous to handle talking to me, so he chooses not to. The rest.....all seem to hate me because i choose to be so vocal about my life.
My mom is a friend and ally, and she helps me as much as she is able to. So do my two nice sisters.
But the rest.....are now like total strangers to me, and it is not my fault, because i have tried countless times to reach out to all of them, to break the ice and make them understand me and accept me. I need to add that my mom and two nice sisters all have kind loving hearts.
I know growing up i wasn't a nice person. I did things and said things that were not cool, and i did my share of not treating people nice like i wanted to be treated. I guess you can say, it was partly because hurt people do end up often hurting others, and as hard as tried, some of what my family thought, became my fears too for awhile growing up.
Even so, i have fought all of my life not to be like my father, three brothers and my one mean sister.
I have still alwaya fought to do what is just and right by people.
I still, even so, had much to repent to my God for though, and i did 7 years ago, even the generational things that i know in my spirit were soul ties to some very bad peole in my ancestory that needed to be cut by me.
The bible says that God doesn't make mistakes......but i do feel that he/she/they did when they plopped me into the family i was borne into. I don't feel that way about my mom, or two nice sisters, or my one sister's daughter. But i have come to feel that way about the rest of them.
I don't say this to be mean, i say it because it's the truth. My heart is not mean like that. I was never ever meant to be a person with a mean heart.
And i apologize and repent for all who i have ever hurt in my life.
Still.....these nights are so long, and so are my days when i can't sleep. I spend my nights and days dreaming of winning the lottery so i can finally move to a house that is a home and a sanctuary to me, a place that is quiet, and beautiful, with lots of grass, trees, and flowers. Then i can move my mom and one nice sister back down here to this area. Then i can finally work on getting the surgery done on my leg, free of the fear of losing Connie and my housing assistance in the process.
I spend my long nights looking forward to when Connie will be back to help me, and talk and laugh and joke with me. I try to sleep all i can to fill in all of my alone time though, or watch TV, and i still come on Facebook too.
But my loneliness is growing deeper, as is the despair i feel that things are going to get worse, not better. That i will be forced to revisit past enemies who hurt me so badly (by running into them when out and about, for example).
So yeah.....this is what was on my heart to write tonight.
I love being Autistic. But i hate all the misjudgement, misunderstanding, and hate towards us. I hate this loneliness. 
I write because i want my family to stop shunning me and being afraid to connect with me....and i want everyone to stop listening to hate groups like A$....and start opening your hearts, to listen to our stories, and to get to know us and become our friends. That is what i want, for me, and for all of my Autistic Community friends.

Monday, April 6, 2015

For Those Of You Who Don’t Yet Know Me~~A Re-Write

Hi, my name is Melissa, and i am a middle aged Autistic adult who has been on Facebook since January 2008. I will be 55 in May. I am good friends with many of you. But many of you still don’t know me.

For the past 4 years, i have been working on writing my life story as an Autistic who grew up in a very large family who was sadly, and i hate to say it but it’s true, most of my family were both racist, conservative, and they were also intolerant of  LBGTQ and disabled people.
Yes, i said all of the above, and i can back it all up with experience after experience of seeing some of them etch swastikas into their PeeChee folders, going to my brother's house for Christmas after Christmas Eve, and hearing him, his wife's family, and one of my nephews all refer to Blacks as the N word, President Obama as "The n***** in the White House", Hispanics refered to as spics and wetbacks, seeing the confederate flag hugely big as life displayed in their front sitting room as i came into their house, and them always having Fox News on the TV. In addition, growing up, i would hear awful racial and anti-Semetic jokes and slurs all the time out of the mouths of most of my family. In addition, all of the disabled people they would see at school, would also go up on their hate table to also be made fun of so cruelly by them.
They treated me the same way.
Again, it was not all of my family, but it was, and is, most of them.
Out of all of them, my mother and two of my sisters have always been my friends and allies, but i have always been shunned, ignored by all three of my brothers, and my other sister, and all of my nieces and nephews too. And my brothers’ spouses too. And they still all shun me. And it really bothers me.
If they would only read my blogs with an open mind, and a softened heart, they would finally see the truth. But i actually think my one sister would very much love to find a way to sue me for my blogs. Even though i am not using real names and trying to preserve as much of their anonymity.
I am not here to slam my family, i never was….. i am here to tell my story, and to get the help and support i have never had.
I am here to make them aware of how deeply i hurt and how deeply it affected me to grow up Melissa Fields because of the way they treated me, teased and taunted me, and made me feel always so cut off, always ostrascized, always separate from them.....and like i was "less-than" they were, because of my disabilities.
I still live in the small cottage that i have lived in for the past 23 years, the small cottage that badly needs repairs and to be retrofitted so that it is disabled accessible for me, as i am physically disabled now as well.
I would ideally love to move, as this street presents serious sensory issues to me because of the loud constant hot rodding and bullying i still get to this very day, from employees in an auto shop and a warehouse, which are both across from my tiny cottage. I have also developed a huge lymphedema leg tumor on the inside of my left inner thigh that has really hampered my mobility alot in the past three years. It needs to be surgically removed, but to do so, i would have to relocate to either the San Francisco Bay Area or the Los Angeles area, as they still don’t do these kinds of surgeries here in Santa Maria where i live.
This means me having to give up having Connie as my caregiver who i have come to really love and trust with my life, and giving up my ability to rent from my mother via section 8 when i return, two things that frighten me to pieces.
I am in pain on all levels now though…..
physically due to my legs, because of the lymphedema and now, on top of that, the leg tumor, which is like a 50 pound rock that seems like it has been soldered onto my left inner thigh, attached at my knee,
and because i am profoundly alone and lonely when my caregiver isn’t here to help me the six days a week she is here. She comes each afternoon/evening, for six days a week to help me.
Because all of my real friends are online, on Facebook.
Because i want so much for Connie to be here more than she is able to be, as she, also is my friend too.
Because my mother and two nice sisters live in other states, far away from me……one sister lives in Arizona, and the other sister lives in the same state as my mom does.
Because the rest of my family have coldly cut me off, it seems, for good now.
Because they still don’t get me, and why i am online saying the things i say.
Because i hurt so deep inside, i want to scream till i have no voice left, and cry deep raging rivers of the hurt i feel due to all of the rejections i have had to endure. And that i still endure.
I have deep abandonment issues due to all of the caregivers who have abused, exploited and abandoned me, and so many others who have done the same. The hurt from it all is indescribable.

My life story is finished for the most part. I wrote it via Microsoft Word, as a PDF document. I would like to get in and tweak it more, as there are things i know i left out. But maybe i will write one more, or two or several more books. I don’t know. It all depends on if my first book is even successful. But the thing of it is this: i have no idea how to go about publishing a book, i don’t even have a cover designed for it…..and yes, i do love to draw. But i am completely inexperienced as to how to get into the publishing market. i do have two blogs, one on WordPress and one on Blogger, but i still have much to learn about including pictures and links on them. I only got my first computer ever in December 2007.

I know many of you have also misunderstood me as well, and have not wanted to be my friends, because i come off so aggressive and even like i am whining. If you all knew what i have had to endure, what i still have to endure, and would read my blogs, befriend and get to know me, you would all then understand my life experience. I am not just here to tell my story and get help for myself anymore, i am here also because i have come to grow attached to and love all of you who are my friends, and i have come to understand so much more about Autism and the urgent need for the whole entire world, people, news media, entertainment world, etc., to be educated about Autism Acceptance, and about Us as the real breathing and valuable and beautiful human beings we are. We matter. We have a voice. We are NOT tragedies and burdens and monsters. We are NOT a “Behavior Problem” or a tsunami. Auti$m $peak$ has had the microphone long enough. It is OUR time to tell OUR stories, so the world will wake up and see the TRUTH about us. Auti$m $peak$ are WRONG, and they hate us. Which is why i am here amongst all of my Neurotribe. Yes, i am here to to get help. But i am here for my Neurotribe, my Autistic Community, too!!!

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

An Open Letter To Comcast & To Everyone About Me

An Autistic learning post about me: I realize that when i am right smack dab in the middle of one of my panic attacks, that my fear can often sound like anger----and when i got on the phone the other afternoon to find out why my internet went out, that i did indeed, sound aggressive and angry. 
It was purely unintentional. 
I can sound angry, even when i am scared shitless, which i get when things that i hold dear and depend on and count on, like my internet, suddenly doesn't work----which leaves me alone and cut off inside of a house that i do not consider my home, but that i consider to be a house of horrors and real life nightmares, that i consider to my a torture chamber, with my enemies, the bullies all over the street outside of it, yes, still.
There are still bullies here.
Yes, there ARE still employees of the auto shop who still like to mess with me and make the very loud noises that they know sends me into total painful agony meltdown mode. And there are still a few bullies who also like to mess with me and do the same things to me, who work in the back of a warehouse that is also right across from my house.
I am a good person with a good kind heart who would never ever intentionally hurt anyone, but i still lack alot of social and coping skills-----and i do my best with the tools i DO have available to me. There are just some things that i either can't control, or have a very hard time controlling. I **don't** know if i can ever overcome this.
But please know that i do try my best never to be an upset to anyone. it is just hard for me because of my neurological makeup, and the things that trigger me.
When i am triggered and go into meltdown mode because of that, my level of functionality slows down.
Things like too much hot weather can do that to me too.
Please understand and have patience with me.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

My Comcast Rant Of March 2015

Does Comcast care about its customers?
No, i do not think they do anymore.
Is Comcast really trying to change its customer service for the better like they say they are?
No, not when it has now been made even more impossible to reach a live customer service representative who speaks clearly to you so you can understand them, and who knows what they are doing, and is not loudly rude and does not cut you off mid-call.
No one at Comcast seems to answer people's complaints anymore. Or resolve them.
On their Facebook page, i have now observed that customer complaints get ignored there too now. 
For a disabled person such as myself who is mostly confined to my house, and who depends on my internet because i am alone and lonely, because most of my support network, my disabled community, my friends are online, because i need to get important messages from my caregiver when she is running late or will be late, it presents a very real state of raw fear and panic when my internet goes down and i am unable to get a live person to talk to anymore.
I am Autistic, and losing my internet puts me in such a panic that i have meltdowns until i see that it is fixed.
Those meltdowns take alot of my energy.
Especially when i am unable to get a live person i can talk to who will tell me what is going on, and when it will be restored.
But does Comcast care? No. They do not seem to anymore.
I am no longer accomodated by them like i was for awhile. For awhile, in 2010, local techs would call to let me know when the internet was going to be off, and they would let me know when it would be back on, so at least i would KNOW.
Instead, i am labeled a nuisance caller, and dismissed now.
I don't call them everyday. But i do call them when my internet is out, and all i get are automated messages.
The phone number for my Gateway Wireless Tech Support keeps getting changed. ALL the time now. It just got changed again. This time? I now do not know what that phone number is. That throws me into an even more panic.
I am not slandering Comcast. 
Just go on their Facebook page and click on Posts By Others, and you will see it is rife with complaints. 
Just Google Comcast Customer Complaints on Google and YouTube and see the hundreds of thousands of negative articles and videos about them.
Google their Better Business Bureau complaints and rating with BBB, and you will see numerous complaints and a rating that is very low, there too.
I sincerely can hardly wait until i can get a way to move North to ther next county, so that i can have Charter for my high speed internet, because in San Luis Obispo County, CA, Charter has a very good reputation for providing its customers with sincerely good customer service. I don't hear or see as many complaints about Charter or Cox Cable, as i do Comcast. But Charter and Cox are not partly owned by NBC/Universal and General Electric. Since Comcast has merged with these other companies, they seem to ignore us now. 
I truly wish i had an alternative for unlimited high speed internet.
I do not as long as i live in Santa Maria CA.I do not feel that is right or fair.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Sorry I Haven't Been Blogging Lately--And A Sort Of A Review Of The Past Year

I know i haven't been writing lately, but that is because things have generally been going better for me ever since the New Year has started. For one thing, i feel like i have grown and learned a few things from these past three years of traumatic events that i have gone through with friends and caregivers and doctors and hospitals.

For another thing,------drum roll, please------ i am still with the same caregiver that i have had since March 4, 2014, Connie, and i am still very, very, very, VERY happy with Connie. Connie has become a good friend, and yes, she does really and truly have my back, and we are like sisters now.

Yes, we did have some rough patches in August, and then through the holiday season, but we have worked through each and every one of those rough times. It has been a real growing experience for both her and i, because i have learned now that not all caregivers are bad, mean, abusive, and dishonest. Some caregivers, like Connie, sincerely love what they do. They love helping others. And she, in turn, has learned alot about me, and about Autism. Our issues mainly stemmed from my left over insecurities and fear of the past repeating itself yet again. To be honest, my body still hasn't recovered from the traumas i have been through, beginning with Roger, and even before Roger with others, and the horrible way he turned on both me and my mother, who were both nothing but good to him, and then all of the horrific nightmares i went through with a long string of caregivers that left me even more shaken and reeling. So shaken that i gave up driving and sold my little white toyota Tercel coupe. I haven't driven since, and am now petrified of ever going outside of my house without Connie or someone else with me. I have not driven since April 9, 2012.

At this time last year, i was still going through such hell with the caregiver i had at the time, named JuJu, (not her real name) and i was contemplating an actual move to Michigan, seriously, because at that time i sincerely felt that if i continued to stay in Santa Maria CA, that i would end up dead from the abuse and neglect that just kept happening.

At that time, i was working with two ladies, two ladies who called themselves my best friends and advocates, two ladies who both said they had my back, and that they both were never going to give up on me----ever. And then things with JuJu escalated to the point where i could no longer handle having her come to care for me. She appeared at my house on the night of Saturday, February 28, 2014, all happy, and she commenced to order our dinners. I had to get my dinners for that night and the next night, and was also treating her to dinner with me that night too. She seemed really happy that night because she no longer had her days taken up with her other client. She was dressed up and made up to the nines too that night, like she was dressed to go out. 

She ordered our dinners. Then she went to the bathroom, still giggling and laughing and talking to me. We were making plans to maybe go up to Pismo Beach even. 

Next thing i knew, i could hear her coughing through the bathroom door. Suddenly she was sick, too sick to even go get our dinners for that night, and my Sunday night meal......I panicked.

Yes, people can suddenly get sick without warning, but this was not the case with JuJu that night. Read on, and you will see why. 

She proceeded to sit at my other desk, moaning and crying. I had to call into the restaurant and cancel all three dinners. And the ladies at the restaurant were not happy. When i finally, and reluctantly told JuJu she could go home, she suddenly jumped up, suddenly re-energized, giggling, and thanking me and telling me that she would make it all up to me that following Monday, all with a huge smile on her face, as she sailed through my living room to go to her car. Her sudden exuberance was glaringly obvious to me. I was crushed. I knew she had faked her sickness to get out of having to work for me.

After JuJu left, i ordered delivery from a local Mexican restaurant, and then i talked to my two advocate friends and four others in my private chat. Then i suddenly looked up to my picture of Jesus and began to cry out to Him praying. Not to be a Holy Roller, but yes, i do have a faith, and i do believe in prayer. Suddenly i saw an ad for a local classified group on Facebook, and i joined. I posted for a new caregiver, which the admins of the group let me keep up, and they even pinned it to the top for several weeks for me. and right away, several people answered my ad, Connie included. 

I fired JuJu that night, and hired Connie on Tuesday, March 4, 2014, after interviewing her and two other ladies. Like i say, because of how i still to this day, have deep-seated trust and abandonment issues, due to my growing up years with my dad and most of my family, being bullied through school, and all of my relationships with people through the years.......i have also had some misunderstandings with Connie too, and Connie has had to get to know me. It has been hard for both of us, because i know that i am a very complex and difficult person, because i am full of quirks, hang-ups, phobias, and fears.

During my time with Connie, CA had several unusual heatwaves too, which also made it hard for me to get through many of my days. The heat makes me shut down, and running my air conditioner alot, ran my electric bill up too, so i had to learn to only run it when it gets past 85 degrees for two or more days in a row. 

But Connie has stuck with me. We always talk things out. During one misunderstanding we had back in August, she still refused to let me go without a fresh hot meal that night. Earlier this year, she and i sat down and we had a really long talk. I have learned that it is okay for me to speak up and say what i am feeling, and to not be afraid. She and i still have lots of talks. She and i are truly growing in our friendship.....and i have grown to trust her deeply. Yes, we can both get in grumpy moods. But we all have grumpy mood days sometimes. It is what it is....LOL!!

Sadly---i did lose my two advocate friends. And yes, those two things did add greatly to my hurt, and my trust and abandonment issues. Losing those two friends has made it alot harder for me to make new friends and get close to people now. But i feel much more secure these days because i have a caregiver who truly wants to be here for me. And as of this upcoming March 4th, we will have our One Year Anniversary.

Needless to say, i am still here in CA. I decided that a move to Michigan would not be my answer. But i am still hopeful for my future. I still have my life story that has been written via MS Word. I now doodle and draw via MS Paint. I also love to take my sunset and sunrise pictures. I am also going to be 55 years old in May, so i am going to be looking into 55 and older senior parks as a way to finally be able to move from here.

So yeah. Me. What i've been up to, and what was on my heart to write today. Thank you to all who read this blog. :)

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

An Urgent Plea To My Community....And My Family

The following is what i just posted on my wall right now. But i am going to add to it here, because people need to know what happens when families don't care, when our communities don't care......
about those of us who are older, middle-aged Autistic adults
who have fallen through the cracks because of unfair functioning labels,
and all of the unfair and cruel negative information that organizations such as Autism Speaks
has churned out to the public and the media about us, and they continue to
they continue to perpetuate the notion that it is even okay to abuse, exploit, and even to murder us, for God's sake!!!!!
NO!!!!! We are human beings who matter!!!!!!!!!!!
i am writing this as an open letter to
my state's governor, and to Congress, and even President Obama,
to please, once and for all see the plight of the disabled,
and to see the plight of so many Autistic adults,
like me,
who are lonely, alone, and suffering untold agony and harship because of your apathy.............and all of the deep cuts you have made to
my programs, my safety net.....our programs and safety net
that me and my friends so depend on!!!!!!
I am writing this also, as an impassioned plea to my whole family,
my three brothers,
my sister,
and two sisters-in-laws,
my aunt,
and to all of my nieces and nephews too,
and to all the families who just don't care about us
and who refuse to see our plights.

Please turn around and face me and see me as the person i am, once and for all.
Please have mercy on me.
Please Hear my Words and See my pain.
Please, please, please, have mercy on us....on me!!

I am Autistic. I am Me.
My God created me to be this way....and my God does not make mistakes!!
I am NOT my family's embarrassment!! Nor am i their tragedy and burden!!

I am a human being who is suffering way beyond what i can bear these days, and on all levels, in sheer agony and fear all the time now, because i am in terrible physical health now.....and i fear being put into a nursing home where i will have no freedom anymore, to even come onto my beloved Facebook and talk to all of my Autistic community friends like i love to do.
A nursing home
where i will risk being abused even worse
than the abuse i got from all of those caregivers i had
who abused me mentally and financially.....because they felt they **could**.

I am suffering......
Because i still do not have all of the 150 hours that i am supposed to be getting from my county's In Home Supportive Services (IHSS) so that i can be allowed to remain living in my own home, where i am the most comfortable.
And because sadly, but truthfully, most of my family, does not seem to care to help me, or to even acknowledge my existence anymore.
I have always had the support and love of my mother and two of my sisters, but they all sadly lack the finances to help me.
I am supposed to be getting all 150 hours a month of care from IHSS that i am approved for.....but due to an automatic 7% cut that the state of California has made to our program, i only get 139 a month of those hours. That was alot for them to take from me......because i now desperately need all 150 of those hours.
I actually need 8 hours of care a day now.
I am housebound, stranded, without these services i get from IHSS!!

Here is my Facebook post, with more added, that i wrote at about 8:30 tonight:

"I am back for a little bit. I guess i had even more sleep to catch up on, because i ate my lunch about 2:00 PM today, and then went in my chair to watch some TV.....but instead, ended up falling asleep from approx. 3:30 PM till just after 8 PM tonight. I just hope i can sleep tonight now, and then be up tomorrow in time to have Connie come, give me my shower, and take me to my doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon. And then get my dinner. I do have food to eat for breakfast before she comes.

To My family: please do some deep soul searching.......sadly, you have all let me down........and you have all now essentially abandoned me to let my poor elderly mother, who is on a limited income, do it all.....all that she is *able* to do for me.
And it is straining her to her limit to help me.
If i had known in 1996 that i was going to end up like this in 2014, with the bad lymphedema that i now have on both of my legs today, lymphedema which now also includes a very large lump that is the size of a basketball on my left inner thigh that now leaves me unable to walk more than very short distances, and unable to stand more than 10 minutes at a time...... i would have moved to Idaho in 1996........or, i would have at least taken one of the few places that i did find to rent via my Section 8 housing assistance, up in the nearby town of Arroyo Grande, during that time period. Because at that time, i had a nice group of friends up in Arroyo Grande. Friends who really had my back.

I have since lost touch with them, sadly. And i have been unsuccessful in being able to reconnect with them on Facebook.

But yeah. I should have said **F** it
to the fears i had of taking the risk of
maybe moving to yet *another* Mean Bully Monster Street kind of place
like this place that i have lived in for the past 23 years
has been and still is
i feared moving where i would be bullied some more, like i have been here.....
even so, i should have taken one of the places that was available to me in that town
in the year of 1996.
Because i know now, that if i had taken one of those places in Arroyo Grande,
i know in my heart of hearts that my outcome today,
would have been so much different, so much better,
physically healthwise, and economically,
because in 1996,
i could still drive,
i still had my full mobility,
and i still had the ability to bounce back emotionally
from what i had already had to endure living here on Mean Bully Monster Street at that time.
I would have re-opened my case at Voc Rehab, so i could get the funds to go to school
and learn something that would have still allowed me to get ahead in life.

(((((((But, i know too, that had i of been able to make that move to Arroyo Grande, and had i of been successful in my endeavors with my schooling and finding work, i would have probably never found out that i am Autistic....and i would have never had the wonderful awesome pleasure of being able to meet all of my wonderful Autistic family on Facebook either.......))))))))

Instead, i let my fears of what was already happening to me here,
hold me back
......and keep me bound here on Mean Bully Monster street.......
where my house has now become a fortress for me
I have always done this my whole life though....because growing up,
i was taught by all of you in my family,
to be afraid of my own shadow,
to hide,
to hide who i was
to always be afraid to fight,
to always be afraid to confront,
I was taught
that i was incapable of fighting and confronting
and as for work.....
when i did try to do work, i was always told
that i was not doing it the right way
and that i was never good enough
that i had to do it more intensely,
that i had to do an inpeccable perfect job
or it was toast
I was told i would never have a meaningful job
I was told i would never learn how to drive or have a car
I was told that i was even incapable of having a boyfriend or friends
i was told so much of the time
that i was an incapable person
that i was incapable of thinking for myself
that i was incapable of rising above whatever it was that was "wrong" with me
which i now know is Asperger's Syndrome,
But i am NOT wrong.
And neither is my Autism.
I am learning that now.
Learning to love myself for who i am.
Learning to take my life back that my family took from me.
My life
My personhood 
I just wish my family would all see this.

I really wish and need for the others in my family to understand my plight,
once and for all, please,
and to begin to care and stop ignoring me.
I am online telling my story for a reason.....
and it is NOT to slam them.
I am telling my story
to tell about everything that i have gone through in life....
which sadly includes how my family has treated me
.....only because that is all a vital part of my story.....
and why i am in the situation i am in today!!
I am telling my story, because i desperately need more help
than what i am able to get from the government programs i am on.
And they won't help me. And i am floundering because of that.
I am floundering badly.

I cannot sleep a full eight hour sleep anymore, and then i end up with my sleep cycle all screwed up because of that.
Because i am so worried and afraid of how worse things are going to get for me if i am not helped.
I want so much for people for people to start caring and seeing me
.......and all disabled and Autistic people.......
as the real human beings we are.
There's nothing wrong with my stims.
There's nothing wrong with the quirks and idiosyncrasies i have.
Those should not have ever embarrassed you, family.
God made me this way for a reason.
And that was to be loved and accepted
....not hated and kicked down the way i was.....
and the way i still am by you, family.
I know, yes, i know that i did hurt you all too, family,
and i apologize from the deep depths of my soul
for how mean that i know i could be to all of you
but that was only because i was lashing out
reacting, because
i always felt like you were all ganging up on me
because i was hurting and crying for you all to
please STOP!!
TO Please
understand, love and accept me 
instead, i felt so very unloved and unwelcome
by all of you.
i think that some of you actually hated me from the day i was born
and i feel that you still hate me
and even blame me for the things that have gone wrong in your lives.
I am sorry for how i have hurt you all,
I didn't know how to be
I never knew what to do or say
to make it all right
but the thing of it is this:
i was meant to be born
and i was meant to be born Autistic.

I want and need for my family to know how deeply i hurt,
tonight, as i write this
how deeply my heart bleeds,
because of the insensitive and cruel treatment of me when i was growing up,
all of the cruel words that were said to me,
all of the the shunning of me that they did,
all the cruel names i was called,
all of the the isolation in my bedroom that i had
so that i could get away from them for many periods of time,
especially when i was a teenager
and in my twenties too
because it would just get so hard,
for me to be around them for too long,
because of how it always seemed
they wanted me to always
Be and Act a Certain Way,
and i just couldn't do it like they wanted me to.....
it wore me down,
it took all of my strength to try to conform
to the normal that you all wanted me to be
oh, how that has affected me my whole life!!
You just don't know, family!!
How deeply i hurt!!
I say it not because i want to denegrate my family, but because the way i was treated happened,
It is very real,
and the pain and anguish, and the plight i find myself in today
all of the lonely Thanksgivings and Christmasses i now suffer too
is because of the way they have chosen to
keep their backs turned to me
and they have let it ALL fall to my poor mother to help me.
No one can fully know the emotional pain i am suffering tonight
and the very real raw fear i have of my mother dying
then me being hauled off to a nursing home
where i will be warehoused till the day i finally just die
because my heart WILL give out if i have to be put into one of those facilities.
.........I know it will..............
Because most of those facilities are awful places where they don't care either.
I have seen those facilities suck the very joy of life and spirit out of people.
I know i have my sweet angel Connie now as my caregiver,
and she is doing all she can within her abilities to help me.
But she is limited by the hours i have.
I really need to have more help from my family.
And i so need and am asking for my Autistic community friends, to please,
help me to get my story told......
I do still have my GoFundMe page,
but am going to have to take it down now
due to their support for the wrong side in what happened in #‎Ferguson.
I need help, friends, please, in the worst way.....please share this blog, and signal boost this, please!!!!
I am even tagging those who aren't yet on my friends list but who i hope will be.
Because i need our government, our President, our media,
and for EVERY family out there
to know
and to understand,
once and for all
That we are human beings,
and we are hurting
when you shun us
and hate us
and call us
and monsters.
My heart so aches for my family to finally understand and accept me just as i am.
I ache for society to understand, accept us, and stop cutting our safety net.
And to please restore to us the cuts that have already been made.
Because we need that safety net, and these programs!!
Thank you. "