Sunday, January 31, 2010

My Weekend With The Hindenburg Car

Yesterday----i had another meltdown. My Saturday began calmly...but...i just couldn't stop sleeping. I slept all day until 3:00 that afternoon. I got up, called my mom, as i always do when i arise, and then went about my normal waking-up routine. Next, i turned on my computer and went on Facebook to connect with all my friends. That is when all hell broke loose. Here i was, trying to be happy, commenting on some of my friends' comment threads, enjoying looking at all of the cool pictures that were posted on the KSBY local TV channel 6 website,----when i began to hear this loud noise---a loud noise which sounded---to me---just like one of Satan's demons farting--seriously--right outside my house!! This loud "phhhhrrtt-ttttt--tttt--rrrrrrRRRRRRPPPPHHHTT---TTTTTT" noise, grew louder and louder, and i jumped right up, already in panic mode, and flung open my front door just in time to see two very familiar looking laughing male faces coming right past my house headed Westbound in their huge blimp car--you know, those classic cars from the '40's and 50's that hot rod enthusiaists like to get all pimped-out? These men were looking right at my house and actually laughing!! Anyway, i have a nickname for these cars. I call them Hindenburg cars--cuz, i am autistic--and i have always had this uncanny habit of putting strange names and phrases to things, situations, feelings, people, etc. Good and bad alike. Most of these names and phrases that i come up with---are actually quite funny-and when i',m not all upset? I actually laugh about the things i say. Yes--us autistic people DO have a sense of humor--i know that i sure do!!!!

So---back to my story about the loud Hindenburg Demonic Fart Car: Needless to say, i was full-blown upset now-----i was screaming and yelling hysterically---and flapping my hands all over the place trying desperately, to get this noise to stop. I managed to pick up the phone to call a friend to have them call the police for me, as the Hindenburg car proceeded to turn right around and come straight back in front of my house again, gunning their motor so loudly that i felt just like i was going to melt into my floor!!! The whole episode made my already damaged throat all sore and hoarse again--and the little bit of strength i had biult up during my calm evening and day, sleeping, was zapped from me. Totally zapped--sucked out of me. I spent the whole rest of the day, feeling like a zombie, half-dead, all because of men who---even though they have been told and told, time and again that i am disabled-and to not do these kind of things---still found it in them to deliberately force me to endure again, an awful, ugly noise that actually represents physical pain to me!! This is terrorism!! And it is killing me!! Literally!!

It is Sunday now, and i have an upset stomache today, from what happened yesterday.

The aunt and uncle who i have been writing to all of these years, just so that i could have help so that i could have a better life? I am not allowed to say their names. But they are very famous and rich. That is all i am able to say about them. My Aunt, this man's wife,--is my late father's sister. i know i am repeating this story--but it has to be told. I am desperately unhappy, and am crying hard Just for a way out. And the way these blogs are set up, it is my latest entry that shows on top. So-please bear with me. :) Back to my story.

In 1988, i began writing to my aunt, begging her to help me so that i could have a chance at a normal life. At first, she read all of my letters. She and my mother would even talk at length about my plight with having to be on SSI and not being able to work to better my circumstances. I told her i needed a new car because the car i had was a gas guzzler, and needed alot of huge repairs on it. She did send a check for $300 dollars to cover thses huge repairs. This was barely enough to pay for the tune-up it needed. Even so, nothing happened--and i continued to write these appeal letters to her. I even asked if i could be in some of their TV commercials. And i also asked her if she would help me get my artwork, stories and poetry published and sold, so i could have a real chance in life! She refused, telling my mom that i needed to count my blessings that i had government aid--and to just be happy with that. I asked for help with my dental issues too. She refused to help with that. She again, sent my mom a check for $500 dollars, telling my mom to not give it to me, but to dole it out in small amounts, to me. My mom sent this check back to my aunt, uncashed, because of the mean spirit that my aunt was showing. My aunt just didn't get that i was---and am---totally unable to work because of my mental handicaps--and i just wanted a life!! A future!! With her support, i WAS going to be able to get the good quality help that i needed that i couldn't--and still can't get with govt aid--but--she just didn't ever seem to understand this!!!! And--she still doesn't.

In early 2000, my father, her eldest brother, passed away. Shortly after, she stopped reading my letters altogether, and began throwing them away. My circumstances continued to worsen, because of my mean neighbors. I began to stay away from here for long periods of time each day--only coming back here after i felt i was safe to come back---which was usually late at night!!! It was about 2001-02, when my mom found out that my aunt was throwing my letters away....and she asked this aunt to please just send them to her instead, and she would keep them in a file for me.

In Christmas of 2005, i wrote yet another appeal to my aunt. Her secretary accidently opened this letter--and so my aunt did read this particular letter. She called my mom, all distressed, saying that she just didn't know how to help me. Later on, a friend suggested that i write to my Uncle instead--and send the letter directly to his New York address. I did this in late 2007---and wrote three letters to him. Still, no response. But--on Christmas Day, my mother called me to tell me that my aunt had just sent her a small check for "Melissa's care." Again it wasn't an amount that would permanently help me out of my rut--but it did allow me to pay off some debts---and i was finally able to get my very first computer.

I can't go on much longer like this. I do not want to die--but i feel that i am. This is a never-ending hell--and i am going to be 50 this year. I just want a life! I'm not out to cause trouble for anyone--i just want a life!! I just want a life!! I JUST WANT A LIFE!!!!!!

Is there somebody out there, somewhere, who "gets" autism and disability issues, who can help me, please???? Thank you, and God bless you!! :)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

New Front Window Appeal

Today is Thursday--it is the wee hours of a new morning as i write this new blog entry.

This week has been another killer torture week, due to the relentless hot roddings of the mean bully monsters that never stops...that never stops. A few minutes ago, i constructed new signs, made out of plain white poster board and a dark purple Crayola wide-tip felt tip marker. Maybe this time they will listen. Maybe even this time, a local TV news van will come by and see the signs. Maybe someone who is a lawyer will come by and read the signs. Maybe, even someone who has the resources to just sweep me out of here to a quiet place so that i can finally heal from these deep, 18 year old Mean Street Battlefield scars. Maybe someone who'll even take me on my dream trip to New York!

At least this week the sun is out, and it is not pouring down rain, and wind, and thunder, like it was the whole entire week last week. But still, i have to listen to the loud mean thunderous hot rods and motorcycles all day long.

My signs--they read as follow:

Again, these businesses KNOW that i am disabled---yet this continues to go on every single day! I do not feel it is too much to ask that these grown men just BE NICE to me!!!! I don't understand WHY my aunt and uncle won't read my letters and come here to see me, so i can talk to them, and show them how i am having to live. I don't understand why the doors have to stay shut for me, and so many others who are autistic!!!! Especially us adults!!! I am truly and desperately unhappy. I have no joy left. No strength anymore. I am exhausted from all the pain. Physical and mental. Even so, i won't take my own life--because i DO NOT want to go to hell when i die!!!! I love God enough to keep hanging in here and taking this bullshit day in and day out! I love my mother and two sisters and my friends too much as well! So---i just keep on taking the shit! Yes, my situation could be worse. But this is torture even so.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

New Year, Part Two

Hi again! :)
It is the wee hours of the morning on Sunday, January is three weeks into the New Year, and new decade.... and i am up again after taking a three and a 1/2-hour nap. Earlier last night, i wrote a smaller blog--i wasn't feeling well then--i still don't feel well. But i needed to wake up more so could think to write more coherantly--and i also needed to go to the grocery store. I did that, got some pizza, and came back here, ate, talked to my mom in Idaho, then i watched the 11 PM news. And then, i just fell asleep.

The week-long heavy El Nino rainstorms that CA had this past week, are now gone. The ground is beginning to dry out a teeny bit, because the sun got to finally come out from behind the clouds yesterday. As a result, all of the rivers and streams are now flowing, our reservoirs and lakes are full again--and the hills and nearby coastal mountains are such a brilliant shade of green now. Normally, this will inspire me to get in my car and take a nice long drive up the coast, up HWY 101, thru San Luis Obispo County, and all the way up to San Simeon, then across HWY 46, then back down 101, thru Paso Robles and Atascadero, so i can enjoy this beautiful, fresh new tapestry. But lately, i am way too exhausted and my legs bother me too much. My legs now freeze up on me, if i drive long distances because of the way they are now.

I soooo miss those drives!!!! They were such a good therapy to me!!!!

Instead, my life these days, is now spent in a never-ending daily narrow bottle---this tiny cottage---with the curtains on my windows always pulled tightly shut, sleeping later and later each day, with my TV stereo speakers and PC speakers up really loud all day long,--from 7 AM to 5:30 PM, so i can totally drown out the awful ugly hot rod noises that all the loud souped-up and modified motor vehicles make all day long right outside my cozy litle cottage. Otherwise, i have sheer meltdowns where i scream and yell so loud, that my throat actually BLEEDS!!!! Then, i end up talking like Demi Moore for the next several days!!

On the days i have to run errands, go to the bank, post office, etc., i get to leave this hell-hole in the afternoons--but i have to always make sure that, 1), i can leave without the mean bully monsters seeing me, so they don't yell, gun their motors, and start honking their horns at me, and, 2) i have to at least stay away from here until about 5:30 PM, because that's when all the mean bully monsters finally go home to their respective caves and huts! It is then that i can finally have my volumes normal in my house; i can "let my hair down", and enjoy my TV, music, and computer: usually Facebook and YouTube videos. On YouTube, i love to follow the daily vlogs that the SHAYTARDS, Charles Trippy, and VlogCandy all do--plus, i love Strawbuury 17's vlogs too--she is one of the Vlog Candy people...and a beautiful, sweet young Christian lady. I also love to watch the many road trip vlogs that are on there!! I will type in New York or Michigan, and etc., and away i "go"!! LOL! All courtesy of YouTube!! :) But anymore--i feel just so trapped---like i am in a cage, being tortured and held in a tiny corner, cuz of this very mean harsh environment.

I have written in earlier blogs, also, that i have a rich aunt and uncle who i have written numerous appeal letters to. My uncle is a famous sports personality, and i am related to him through my aunt, because she is my late father's sister. I have been advised by my family and close friends to not reveal their names. I myself, am afraid to reveal their names, because this aunt can be very mean and cruel. And, it isn't in my HEART to be mean to anyone!! All i want,---ALL I WANT--- is to just be able to have a way to have a decent, bearable existence for once in my life. I have never been able to work, cuz of my autism, and will probably never be able to work now, just because of all that has happened here, since i've lived here on Mean Street for the past 18 years. I have had an awful lot of trauma with various mean neighbors here that this has caused some very deep-seated trauma deep down inside of me. It has actually changed my whole nervous system.

Even so, these relatives----are the only ones in our family who can really afford to help me!! Yet, each and every letter that i send to them, gets sent on to my mother in Idaho----unopened. I began writing to this aunt in 1988, about my plight. I have written over 20 appeal letters to her over the course of these past two decades. At first, she did read my letters!! After my father passed away, though, she stopped reading them, and began just throwing them away. When she told my mom this, my mom pled with her to not throw them away anymore--to just send them to her and she would keep them. It broke my mother's heart that my aunt was just throwing my pleas for help away in the trash!! But what can one say to a woman who can be mean? Even so, my mom has talked to this aunt at length, on numerous occasions, about my plight--so this aunt is well-aware of it all--even of how i have NO dental care, no medical doctor, no more eye care on Medi-Caid, ---even of how much i long to see new York City and the Eastern U/S. But what does she tell my mom? "I'll see who i can talk to about Melissa,"---but doesn't ever call her back. Whenever this aunt is down here to visit her other brother's family members--she doesn't call me or come by to visit me. I am often taken off of their Christmas card list for no reason at all. She once wrote in a letter to me, saying that i needed to just be satisfied that i get the gov't benefits that i get, and that i should just continue to tighten my belt all the time, and do without TV, music, fun, and living a decent life.

I don't know what is next for me. I do know that God sees how all of the affluent people in our country are continuing to turn their backs on the needs of the disabled. I know that children like little Zakh Price are still being abused at the hands of some very mean people, because our govt still doesn't seem to want to get on the ball with the kinds of legislation that will protect ALL disabled people from this kind of crap ever happening again!!!! Do the rich and famous care? Some do--but so many do NOT!! And it is DEPLORABLE!!!! I do know that i have been in such agony because of the stress i have to endure on a daily basis, that it HAS affected my physical health to a great degree. I am going to be 50 this year--and i now weigh 340-plus pounds. My legs and feet are swollen big and tight, with lymphodema, because i can no longer sleep in my bed. I live in an utter FEAR that i could lose my govt entitlements, that my mom could pass away suddenly, even tho she's still in good health at almost 81 years of age---and then, i could REALLY be financially destitute. But do most rich people care? Do they care that, without dental and vision coverage for poor people, these people won't be able to see or eat? How can one read a good book if they can't see to read that book? Or see to be able to sign a form or a check, so they can cash that check and have money to eat with and pay the utilities with? Without teeth--or with teeth that are poorly maintained---a person could get oral cancer!! Our teeth can even cause the kind of plaque that leads to heart attacks and strokes--bcause it is that same plaque that is on our teeth that builds up in our arteries and heart valves!!!!

This does make me angry---livid!!! I would hope to God that if i ever did come into lots of money, that my heart would not turn cold towards those who are disabled and needy!!!! I would hope to God that i would still be the compassionate soul that i am today--even though i have been in a real pit of hell for most of my life.

I do now have some really super cool, new friends on Facebook! :) On February 3rd, i will be on Tricia Kenney's online radio show, to tell my story there. I may go public with the names of my aunt and uncle too--but it won't be because i want to expose them. It's because i am desperately unhappy....and am just crying out to be helped. All i am asking for is to finally have a way out of this pit--so i can put feet to dreams and goals that i have had ever since i was a little girl.

To be able to walk without it hurting my legs, feet, hips and be able to take my long drives again.
To be able to sit cross-legged on the floor again.
To be able to read a good book without having to put it down because i'm having another meltdown because there are savage men outside roaring.
To be able to bend down to touch my feet so i can wash them and trim my toenails, and put cream on them--and a clean new pair of socks
To be able to get up at a reasonable time and come and go again without fear of the neighborhood terrorists terroizing me
To be able to create new artwork, stories, poetry without the terrorists interupting that for me too
To be able to open my curtains and windows so i can let the daylight into my house without the fear of the mean street monsters
To even be able to see New York City real soon
This list goes on and on....please--i really need help. I want to tell my story and have it published too.... along with my artwork too. And yes, my aunt knows all of this too. Is there somebody out there who will pleae help me reach my goals? Please! Please! Please!

Thank you and God bless you all. :) Me
P.S.--Please read all of my older blogs, and my About Me and profile as well---because this all explains my backstory. Thanks!! :)

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Happy New Year And I am Spent, Folks!

I am sorry that i haven't written in my blog has continued to be a real everyday, waking nightmare---it is now another New Year,----actually, a whole new decade---and things have not changed. I am still living here on Mean Street, in this little tiny cottage that my mother owns, being literally pummeled every single day by the mean auto shop bully monsters with their loud mean snarling motorcycles, SUV's, pickups, sports cars, and other sonically loud hot rod machines. The terrorization of Melissa---that is myself--- just won't stop. My legs continue to be huge and swollen. My hips hurt. It hurts just to walk to my bathroom from my living room couch. It hurts to be awake.

The good news is that i have now finally been able to find some really cool new friends on Facebook---all people who are either autistic themselves, and/or who have autistic children. I am finally getting somewhere in this battle. I'll write more later, because i haven't been sleeping that well lately--and i need to wake up more. So--i'll see you al alittle later. :)