Sunday, January 24, 2010

New Year, Part Two

Hi again! :)
It is the wee hours of the morning on Sunday, January is three weeks into the New Year, and new decade.... and i am up again after taking a three and a 1/2-hour nap. Earlier last night, i wrote a smaller blog--i wasn't feeling well then--i still don't feel well. But i needed to wake up more so could think to write more coherantly--and i also needed to go to the grocery store. I did that, got some pizza, and came back here, ate, talked to my mom in Idaho, then i watched the 11 PM news. And then, i just fell asleep.

The week-long heavy El Nino rainstorms that CA had this past week, are now gone. The ground is beginning to dry out a teeny bit, because the sun got to finally come out from behind the clouds yesterday. As a result, all of the rivers and streams are now flowing, our reservoirs and lakes are full again--and the hills and nearby coastal mountains are such a brilliant shade of green now. Normally, this will inspire me to get in my car and take a nice long drive up the coast, up HWY 101, thru San Luis Obispo County, and all the way up to San Simeon, then across HWY 46, then back down 101, thru Paso Robles and Atascadero, so i can enjoy this beautiful, fresh new tapestry. But lately, i am way too exhausted and my legs bother me too much. My legs now freeze up on me, if i drive long distances because of the way they are now.

I soooo miss those drives!!!! They were such a good therapy to me!!!!

Instead, my life these days, is now spent in a never-ending daily narrow bottle---this tiny cottage---with the curtains on my windows always pulled tightly shut, sleeping later and later each day, with my TV stereo speakers and PC speakers up really loud all day long,--from 7 AM to 5:30 PM, so i can totally drown out the awful ugly hot rod noises that all the loud souped-up and modified motor vehicles make all day long right outside my cozy litle cottage. Otherwise, i have sheer meltdowns where i scream and yell so loud, that my throat actually BLEEDS!!!! Then, i end up talking like Demi Moore for the next several days!!

On the days i have to run errands, go to the bank, post office, etc., i get to leave this hell-hole in the afternoons--but i have to always make sure that, 1), i can leave without the mean bully monsters seeing me, so they don't yell, gun their motors, and start honking their horns at me, and, 2) i have to at least stay away from here until about 5:30 PM, because that's when all the mean bully monsters finally go home to their respective caves and huts! It is then that i can finally have my volumes normal in my house; i can "let my hair down", and enjoy my TV, music, and computer: usually Facebook and YouTube videos. On YouTube, i love to follow the daily vlogs that the SHAYTARDS, Charles Trippy, and VlogCandy all do--plus, i love Strawbuury 17's vlogs too--she is one of the Vlog Candy people...and a beautiful, sweet young Christian lady. I also love to watch the many road trip vlogs that are on there!! I will type in New York or Michigan, and etc., and away i "go"!! LOL! All courtesy of YouTube!! :) But anymore--i feel just so trapped---like i am in a cage, being tortured and held in a tiny corner, cuz of this very mean harsh environment.

I have written in earlier blogs, also, that i have a rich aunt and uncle who i have written numerous appeal letters to. My uncle is a famous sports personality, and i am related to him through my aunt, because she is my late father's sister. I have been advised by my family and close friends to not reveal their names. I myself, am afraid to reveal their names, because this aunt can be very mean and cruel. And, it isn't in my HEART to be mean to anyone!! All i want,---ALL I WANT--- is to just be able to have a way to have a decent, bearable existence for once in my life. I have never been able to work, cuz of my autism, and will probably never be able to work now, just because of all that has happened here, since i've lived here on Mean Street for the past 18 years. I have had an awful lot of trauma with various mean neighbors here that this has caused some very deep-seated trauma deep down inside of me. It has actually changed my whole nervous system.

Even so, these relatives----are the only ones in our family who can really afford to help me!! Yet, each and every letter that i send to them, gets sent on to my mother in Idaho----unopened. I began writing to this aunt in 1988, about my plight. I have written over 20 appeal letters to her over the course of these past two decades. At first, she did read my letters!! After my father passed away, though, she stopped reading them, and began just throwing them away. When she told my mom this, my mom pled with her to not throw them away anymore--to just send them to her and she would keep them. It broke my mother's heart that my aunt was just throwing my pleas for help away in the trash!! But what can one say to a woman who can be mean? Even so, my mom has talked to this aunt at length, on numerous occasions, about my plight--so this aunt is well-aware of it all--even of how i have NO dental care, no medical doctor, no more eye care on Medi-Caid, ---even of how much i long to see new York City and the Eastern U/S. But what does she tell my mom? "I'll see who i can talk to about Melissa,"---but doesn't ever call her back. Whenever this aunt is down here to visit her other brother's family members--she doesn't call me or come by to visit me. I am often taken off of their Christmas card list for no reason at all. She once wrote in a letter to me, saying that i needed to just be satisfied that i get the gov't benefits that i get, and that i should just continue to tighten my belt all the time, and do without TV, music, fun, and living a decent life.

I don't know what is next for me. I do know that God sees how all of the affluent people in our country are continuing to turn their backs on the needs of the disabled. I know that children like little Zakh Price are still being abused at the hands of some very mean people, because our govt still doesn't seem to want to get on the ball with the kinds of legislation that will protect ALL disabled people from this kind of crap ever happening again!!!! Do the rich and famous care? Some do--but so many do NOT!! And it is DEPLORABLE!!!! I do know that i have been in such agony because of the stress i have to endure on a daily basis, that it HAS affected my physical health to a great degree. I am going to be 50 this year--and i now weigh 340-plus pounds. My legs and feet are swollen big and tight, with lymphodema, because i can no longer sleep in my bed. I live in an utter FEAR that i could lose my govt entitlements, that my mom could pass away suddenly, even tho she's still in good health at almost 81 years of age---and then, i could REALLY be financially destitute. But do most rich people care? Do they care that, without dental and vision coverage for poor people, these people won't be able to see or eat? How can one read a good book if they can't see to read that book? Or see to be able to sign a form or a check, so they can cash that check and have money to eat with and pay the utilities with? Without teeth--or with teeth that are poorly maintained---a person could get oral cancer!! Our teeth can even cause the kind of plaque that leads to heart attacks and strokes--bcause it is that same plaque that is on our teeth that builds up in our arteries and heart valves!!!!

This does make me angry---livid!!! I would hope to God that if i ever did come into lots of money, that my heart would not turn cold towards those who are disabled and needy!!!! I would hope to God that i would still be the compassionate soul that i am today--even though i have been in a real pit of hell for most of my life.

I do now have some really super cool, new friends on Facebook! :) On February 3rd, i will be on Tricia Kenney's online radio show, to tell my story there. I may go public with the names of my aunt and uncle too--but it won't be because i want to expose them. It's because i am desperately unhappy....and am just crying out to be helped. All i am asking for is to finally have a way out of this pit--so i can put feet to dreams and goals that i have had ever since i was a little girl.

To be able to walk without it hurting my legs, feet, hips and be able to take my long drives again.
To be able to sit cross-legged on the floor again.
To be able to read a good book without having to put it down because i'm having another meltdown because there are savage men outside roaring.
To be able to bend down to touch my feet so i can wash them and trim my toenails, and put cream on them--and a clean new pair of socks
To be able to get up at a reasonable time and come and go again without fear of the neighborhood terrorists terroizing me
To be able to create new artwork, stories, poetry without the terrorists interupting that for me too
To be able to open my curtains and windows so i can let the daylight into my house without the fear of the mean street monsters
To even be able to see New York City real soon
This list goes on and on....please--i really need help. I want to tell my story and have it published too.... along with my artwork too. And yes, my aunt knows all of this too. Is there somebody out there who will pleae help me reach my goals? Please! Please! Please!

Thank you and God bless you all. :) Me
P.S.--Please read all of my older blogs, and my About Me and profile as well---because this all explains my backstory. Thanks!! :)

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