Friday, December 17, 2010

Why I Write, Part Two

On Monday of this week, i came onto Facebook to find that a very old friend from my teen years, had commented on two of my recent posts, where i was expressing the fears that i often have concerning the way my physical health has been lately, due to my situation and circumstances. Earlier, two weeks ago, i had asked this lady to please read all of my notes and blogs. I was hoping that by reading my story, she would understand, and i would have another friend and ally. The total opposite happened. On Monday of this week, i came onto my Facebook newsfeed to find that this lady had penned some rather horrible mean things about me in the comment threads. I was way beyond appalled and shocked at the things that she said. Among the things she said to me were that:

1) I am not a good Christian because i go online and "air my family's dirty laundry and dog on them all over the interwebs."
2) That i am on a huge pity pot.
3) That ALL i post are negative posts..that all she sees in my posts and blogs are only negative rants, and that i need to write about the positive things that happen, for once in my life.
4) That there are others who need help far more than i do..and that i should just shut up and make the most of what i have.

This lady really went off on me. Many of you read these comment threads, and came to my defense. Thank you, by the way, for doing so. The lady unfriended me before i had the chance to fully defend myself, so i emailed her on her Facebook, as she did not yet have me blocked, to make one more attempt at trying to explain my plight..because she had me all wrong. This only made things worse. The lady wrote me back, and told me first, that i needed to chill out a bit..and then, in "ALL CAPS", went onto say that me and my friends were attacking her, and that she never, ever wanted to hear from me ever again.

This lady was someone who me and another local friend, had gone to high school with together....and when we were all in high school, this lady was sweet and compassionate towards me. She had even gotten some Mean Girls in her group, to start treating me nice. When we were all in high school together, this lady and i would also spend alot of time in the classes we had together, writing friendly chatty "Girlfriend" notes back and forth..and when the teachers would allow us to have a break, before the bell would ring, we would sit and talk. Needless to say, when i saw this lady's cruel remarks on my Facebook wall this past Monday......i was crushed!! Not only has she changed..but she was now attacking me as a person....She even went so far as to call my autism an "illness".

Once and for all people who do not understand....i am not a negative person at heart!!!!! Neither do i walk around throwing huge pity parties. Neither do i come on here to slam my family for the sake of being mean to them, as that lady implied. I am on here, because i am in dire straits and am reaching out for HELP. At the same time, i am on here to educate everyone, both in the autistic community, and those who are non-autistic..about how life is for most of us who are on the autism spectrum, who are Baby Boomers. It is true, that most of my posts are negative in nature..but that is the sad reality of my situation. It is also true that i do write and vent alot about my hurts that i grew up in a family where i didn't feel welcomed and loved...and to this day, i am ostrascized and cut off by most of them..and how it still hurts me. I don't see that as me dogging on my family. My writing is my therapy. Having you all come along to support me when i write and vent, helps me to see that i am not alone..that my feelings are okay..and vaildated. When i talk about how the bully monsters are all getting to me, you all understand that this is a serious matter...and a huge part of my problems.

That lady, however...could not seem to see things that way. All she seemed to want to do was to dog on me for feeling like i was almost as if she wanted to hurt me, because she was hurting..and i just happened to conveniently be on her wall that day, so she could lash out on me. It was abusive..and i ended up blocking her, after i could see that she wanted nothing to do with rekindling our old friendship.

My point is...i am now kind of afraid to keep writing. But i know that then these kinds of people, who still seem to harbor intolerance towards the special needs community as a whole....will win, because they don't want us to have a voice...and i don't want that. So, what do i do? Let these kinds of people shut me up...or keep doing what i hopes that i will finally get help...and also in hopes that i will end up helping a young child's mother be able to better understand how to treat her autistic child, because of what i wrote? Or that a sister will become more patient with her autistic brother because of what i wrote? I have actually had people thank me for writing, for just those very reasons!!!!

So..i guess i will still keep writing..and hope to God that all of my true friends will continue to stick by me, even though i can get into some pretty deep, dark moments sometimes....even though i AM a Believer. To anyone who wants to judge me harshly and say that if i am a Christian i shouldn't be thinking this way, or that way, or writing about things that are bothering me....i say this..Christian does not make one perfect. We are still multi-dimensional, imperfect human beings; we still make mistakes; we still feel; we still hurt....we still live....but for others to judge and conndemn us where we are at in WRONG!!!!

"Judge not, lest you be judged yourself..for if you show others mercy, God will show you the same amount of mercy....but if you judge others harshly, you will also be judged as harshly."

We are all human beings......and we all stumble and fall. But Greater is He who is in me..than he who is in this world...and i also say that NO weapon formed against me will prosper.

I love you all!!!! God bless you, everyone, this holiday season!!!!!!


I also want to add as a disclaimer at the end of this note, that even though i have the lady who verbally attacked me blocked from ever contacting me again on Facebook, as this is originally a Facebook note that i wrote, that she may still have access to my blogs and try to come on here to attack me some more. If this happens, i will not hesitate to report her to the appropriate authorities. If she does not like what i have to say, she does not have to subscribe to or read my writings.