Sunday, November 27, 2011

My 2011 Thanksgiving, Spent Lonely and Alone

My 2011 Thanksgiving, Spent Lonely And Alone
by Melissa's Move on Sunday, November 27, 2011 at 2:27am
I was so lucky and blessed last year (2010), to have a place to go on Thanksgiving. I had just reconsciled with a high school friend who had found me on Facebook in February of last year, through my autism blogs and the first two radio shows that i had done, so that Thanksgiving, i went over to her mother's house and spent that whole afternoon and evening with their whole family. Unfortunately, i am once again estranged from my high school friend, as she, sadly, did not possess alot of patience or understanding of how i think, how i process things, and how i still dream of being able to do certain things with my life....i am so depressed about losing her friendship yet again...and am also so depressed that i was not able to go there this year, as i really enjoyed being around her family last year. I loved having a place to go, really loved having someone here locally to talk to, and to hang out with, and when she got angry at me again, it actually really devastated me.

In 2008, my nice sister and her husband came out to his father's house because they thought they were going to be able to move back here..that didn't work out, and they moved back to Arizona in March of 2009. But when they were here, i got to spend Thanksgiving 2008 out at their house, which was 15 miles South of where i live. And i really enjoyed that too, as my sister's husband's family were all so bubbly-friendly and easy to be around. I felt accepted at both my friend's mother's place, and at my sister's place too.

The food at both my friend's mother's place, and my sister's place...was awesomely delicious too; my sister even had ham, which i love more than i like turkey...and i enjoy good comfort food so much, but am unable to cook full meals for myself due to my sensory issues with cooking....the preparation, cooking, and cleaning up afterwards? I can't handle any of it...i can only handle making simple things, such as simple sandwiches, or a bowl of cereal, and heating already prepared things in my microwave.

Most of my Thanksgivings are so very lonely for me, i usually have nowhere to go. I have three brothers and three sisters, all of whom are married with the exception of two sisters who are widowed, and numerous nieces and nephews...but most of them are all now in Idaho and Arizona, along with my mother too...i do have one brother, his wife and two teenage college-aged boys who still live here near me...but he and his family always, without fail, go out of town each and every Thanksgiving, leaving me here alone to fend for myself. They never call me to see how i am doing, or even call me to wish me a happy Thanksgiving...they just leave, without giving me any consideration. And it hurts me so deeply!!

Thanksgiving--and some Christmases too--i have to prepare for in advance. Because most of the good restaurants and stores are closed on Thanksgiving Day. I have to, the day before, get in my car and go hunt down iced tea and food to eat here, so i am not having to face going out to either Carl's Jr. or Jack In The Box to eat a fast food meal that often tastes like crap, and that is often served by unfriendly inpersonal store employees who don't give a darn about if i am lonely and aching just for a friendly smile and hello on my lonely holiday.

My brother went up to Mammoth Lakes again this year, even after i told his wife how much it would mean to me if i could spend at least one Thanksgiving with them. In addition, they will sometimes even go out of town at Christmastime, which means i am alll alone then too!! This brother and wife and boys, all know how badly i am doing, how much my physical health has gone downhill....yet, they will never call me or stop by to ask if i ever need anything, or to see how i am doing. I was never invited to either of my nephews' high school graduations either. In March, i went there to my brothers to talk to him, to tell him how lonely i am and what i neeed...and was not allowed to come inside because my brother had a cold. I had to stand and talk to my nephew and sister in law out on their front porch. I asked A if i could have alittle financial help, even if it is just to have dinner with them once in awhile. She flatly refused, saying they were having it rough, and could not even have me over for dinner once in awhile. My sweet nephew did pipe up to tell me i was still welcome to come there at Christmastime if they were there and not going out of town...and he said i would be in his thoughts and prayers. But....they never call me, never come by to visit me.

My mother and other family all moved to Idaho during the '90's, thinking i would be okay, because at that time, i was still in decent physical health, and was plugged into a good Christian Singles ministry here on the Central Coast, where i did have lots of good, kind and accepting friends from that group, which was based up in Arroyo Grande...but the things i have been through on this street that i have lived on for the past 20 years...has slowly but steadily eroded both my emotional and physical health and well-being, to where i can barely function anymore.....these days it is as if i live in a long tunnel, because it's like all of my dreams have died now....i am lterally just waiting for either an 11:59 PM miracle,...or for God to just take me Home...yes. my health is getting that bad, that serious. I have to deal with several mean vicious men in four nearby auto repair shops who seem to make it their almost daily mission to bully and terrorize the living daylights out of me with their loud banshee yells, loud horn honking and loud hot rodding and loud burn outs from their loud souped up cars, pickups, SUV's and motorcycles.

The police are is the mayor and city government, to my plight. There are literally no services or resources for me here on the Central Coast. I am stuck here until i get a miracle and can move. And i feel that am dying.

In the meantime...i just want friends who i can hang out with who will accept me as i am....and a place to go at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Thank you and God bless you all!!!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

An Explanation Of Why I Still Fear Having A Pet Of My Own

An Explanation Of Why I Still Fear Having A Pet Of My Own
by Melissa Fields on Tuesday, November 15, 2011 at 2:33am
The following is a post that i just wrote a few minutes ago in a group here on Facebook. I thought i would share this, as this best explains my fear of animals. I feel awful that i am this way, but this is in good part, one of my many phobias, fears, and sensory issues, and partly due to a fear from how my family unfortunately, would often exploit my fears when i was growing up....i actualy hatd my childhood because i was squelched and made fun of, in so many ways. My father raised us kids with an iron fist and belt...and as i got older, and my older sibloings got older, they could get away with mre than we younger ones could...he became more lenient with the older ones...thus, in our family, as one got older, they earned more freedoms and priviledges, while us younger ones did't. This fosteredx a narrow-mindeness in all three of my brothers, and one sister, but i always had the love and support of my mom and my two other nice sisters. They also could be mean to me too, at times, and there was a long several year period where me and my eldest nice sister did not get along too...anyway...onto my post now, which i have edited for this note, plus i have included only the person's initial of the person i refer to in this note, for their privacy:

" I am just like J in that i do not relate to, nor am i able to get close to animals, to hold them, cuddle them, or take care of them,...i can be around them, yes, but have to shoo them away if they try to interact with me, because i cannot handle the interaction. I am not cold-hearted either, i too am a very compassionate person, and love animals from a distance, but ppl don't understand this about me, and judge me wrongly too about see, i grew up fearing dogs jumping on me and licking me, and feared their loud barking, and i also had a bad fear of cats scratching me..and i had a family who really exploited that fear, and all of my fears...but as i got older, i grew out of my fear enough to be in control of most animal situations that i am confronted with, by just waving my hands and firmly shooing them away when they try to jump up on me and cuddle and want me to hold them....i am still very uncomfortable around animals, but do greatly enjoy them from afar, as this is still a deeply ingrained sensory issue for me. I will even repost all the cute pet and animal pictures that i see others post here on Facebook, because i love those pictures!! Having said that, i do find myself now wanting a pet for the company, especially a dog....but feel i would need professional psychotherapy to overcome the fears i still have. And not meaning to blame my family...but they did help greatly to contribute to these fears that i still have to this day...the blame is there...and i have alot of resentments towards my family for holding me back and squelching me in so many ways...on so many levels. I unfortunately had bullies for brothers and sisters..and my dad was also a bully alot of the time, a real tyrant. Especially towards me, even as my other brothers and sisters were given more freedoms as they grew older...i was not given those same freedoms. Even as i grew older. I could not joke or have nice conversations with my father, because he was always yelling at me, correcting me, scolding me, an dpunishing me. I was never close to my father as a result of how he treated me.

I'm sorry to go on about this, but what J was expressing helped me to better be able to articulate my own problem with animals...and why mine family are greatly to blame in this, unfortunately. ;'((

Having said all of this, i would NEVER, EVER hurt or harm ANY animal, as i do have a huge kind and compassionate and tender heart...both for ppl and animals..and i hate...i abhor....cruelty to ppl and animals of any kind!!!!!!! "

For the purpose of this note, i have expounded/added more explanation to my above original post that i posted in a group just now. Again, i feel awful that i am this way...but i am...and i hope someday soon to be able to get help for this, as it would help me to be much freer. I also have other fears which hold me back too...but i can and will discuss these in future notes/blogs.

Thank you all for reading this. God bless you. :)

Monday, November 7, 2011

My Autism Is Not A Tragedy

My Autism Is Not A Tragedy
by Melissa Fields on Tuesday, November 1, 2011 at 5:36pm

My autism is not a tragedy
what is a tragedy, however,
is how my community continues
to treat me as if i am a leper
a clown, a joke, a laughing stock
the police will not help me by
putting a stop to the bully monsters'
daily loud hot rod terrorism
that happens right outside of my house
my city gov't turns a deaf ear to me
most of my family keep their backs turned
also to me because they also don't want to deal
with my meltdowns and the way i think, feel,
and do things....i cannot even get the help,
services and care i so desperately need
it is as if i am on some invisible community blacklist
everywhere i try to turn for help...i get
oh, it's Melissa Fields..she is too needy,
too demanding, too difficult....don't help her
well...i am a 51 year old who had never
gotten the help i needed...and so, yes, i am now
alot more set in my ways...but it does not make
me unreachable.....
i don't know what i am going to do
when my couch that i have to sleep sitting up on
breaks down even further to where i can no longer
sleep on it...or my toilet falls in because my mom
has not the money to get my bathroom repairs done
and now, the people who she is paying to come
to help me just alittle bit..are now not returning my
phone calls either....
this is what happens when ppl do not
take the time to really listen to and "get" me
and the way i think, feel and react to life
i cannot stop being autistic
i was born this way
what works for you, may not work for me
we just have to keep trying different approaches
then, don't we? No..please don't
please, please don't you give up on me too
oh no..another person has just
washed their hands of me....and now i feel
that all too familiar aura of that person's
disdain hanging heavily in the air
as i go off hanging my head
again in utter shame
each time a person misunderstands and misjudges me
and gets angry at me and won't let me explain
or give me even a fighting chance
makes me that much more afraid to try again
so i mostly hole up inside my house
too afraid to go out, even to get my groceries
i have an aunt who is rich and famous
and she seems to hate me too
because she will not help me either
.......can somebody hear me out there....i am drowning
God, hear my cries.....please...before it is truly too late
and i am left in the cold fog to wither away to nothing.

What My Autism Means To Me

What My Autism Means To Me~~For Autistics Speaking Day 2011
by Melissa Fields on Tuesday, November 1, 2011 at 1:31am
My autism
cannot just be shut off
and taken off
like it is a jacket
I was born this way
I will die this way
I have alot to say
I wish people would take
the time to listen to us
and open their minds and hearts
to us..we are not bad..we are not
mean, selfish people
we are not brats
we have hearts
we feel empathy
we feel, dream, hope
and we care just like you all do
who are normal
we cry, we hurt, we bleed just like you all do
take the time to get to know me
to get to know all of us who are
on the autism spectrum
to hear our individual stories
to see how we cope
to see how our mids process life
before you even attempt to try to come in
to help us, to fix us
we don't need fixing
we just need help and friends and support
judge us not until you have '
walked a week or two in our shoes
beofre you judge and convict us so harshly
let us stim, lt us dream, let us have our bubbles
that we retreat to when the world
becomes so hurtful and unbearable
when we are not able to talk and verbalize
please don;'t jump to conclusions as to
what it is we are trying to say
give us the time to express it when we are able to
I just want to be loved and accepted
for this is a neurological disorder that cannot be cured
only love and patient guidance can help us
to be able to live with our autism
autism is a spectrum of indivual people
We have a voice
we have alot to say
read our stories
get to know each of us
before you judge us and please
don't walk away and give up on us
because we are too complex and hard to reach
because that will only bruise and discourage us even further
Thank you and God bless you, everyone!!!!!!

I Am In Serious Need, Everyone!!

I Am In Serious Need, Everyone......
by Melissa Fields on Wednesday, October 19, 2011 at 7:32pm
This is a reprint of a note i wrote in April.

I Am In Serious Need, Everyone......
by Melissa's Move on Tuesday, April 26, 2011 at 3:19am
I am writing this note because i do not want to lose my health, nor do i want to lose my independence, nor what little quality of life that i have left. I am in serious need here. My physical health..has gone so far downhill because of....where i am at. I can easily make all kinds of caring, beautiful, wonderful friends all over Facebook..most of whom do not flake out on me when things become a challenge....or if have meltdowns. You all are always here to lift me up..and to encourage me along..and to God i give all the glory for all of you who care about me. I so wish you could all live here..what a joy my life would be then...i would no longer feel as if i am on a deserted island without ppl to call upon when i have a need....i would have someone to go with me to my doctor's appointments, and to help me to even get that lawyer i so desperately need, so i can fight to get the business across the street to make their employees and customers stop bullying and terrorizing me. I'd have someone to help me with my technical problems and issues.

I also am in desperate need of a a full-time helper lady.....because it has become even more of a struggle for me to even do my own laundry or even wash my own hair now. I can no longer change my own underwear, or change my own pants, or clip my own toenails, or put on new socks...without it hurting me sooooo very much!!!! I am afraid to take a shower because i fear falling in the shower...and i canot reach certain parts of my body anymore. I'm sorry for being graphic..but this is how bad it is getting for mme now, everyone!!!! I cannot even handle cooking for myself anymore. I even have a hard time unloading and putting away my groceries now. I so badly need tech support for my computer, because certain things are beginning to happen on it..that will need attention sooner or later. I still do not know how to use my iPhone that i got a month ago....!!!!!

Three weeks ago, i was finally able to attend a local church, where i got to talk to the pastor, who promised to help me to learn how to use my iPhone..and i also met two couples there who also promised to help me. But all week went by, and I never heard from the two couples i had met, other than short wall posts on my i went back two Sunday nights ago...and found that one of the couples wasn't there..the pastor left early before i could talk to him about my iPhone..and the other couple who were going to give me the tech support, were very cold and unfriendly towards me. In addition...everyone else at this church...all blew past me like i wasn't even there that night. To make matters worse, tonight, i found out that the one lady who had friended me from that church, the one whose husband was going to help me with my computer and iPhone...had removed me as a friend, without telling me why, and then set her settings so that i would not even be able to send her any messages. What does this kind of thing tell me, when it keeps happening over and over and over again? I am not a leper, nor am i a criminal...i am autistic...and i had thought that these ppl whom i had met understood autism.....

I do not know what i am going to do now. My mother does not have the money to move me. If i move on Section 8...i would not be able to find suitable housing on Section 8 here because all of the Section 8 places that are in this area, are all in the unsafe areas of town. Neither am i willing to go in for any weight loss surgeries, because those are very dangerous, risky things.

I know i could lose weight and bounce back...if i had a stable local support network..and a way to move to a quiet safe place, where i'd still have good high speed internet and easy access to my favorite grocery stores and restaurants.

I realize that Wisconsin is a pipe dream..but...i do have family up in mother is there..and so are two brothers and two of my sisters. I could move there...if i had a way to do so.

I need a way out....i am perishing here. Will someone please help me????

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

My Medical Nightmare

Yesterday's Nightmare....And....How I'd Love Things To Be
I have bad lymphodema on both of my legs, as most of you who know me, know....basically, this is a veinious insufficiency, which causes the swelling and sometimes even open sores which i cannot take care of myself, due to my weight issues....and is a resul...t of me not being able to sleep laying down anymore, i must sleep siting up and back on my couch now...and have had to sleep this way for the past seven years. I have been trying to get a medical provider so i could get the leg treatments and leg therapy again on my legs. Well, last week i had my first leg appointment with a kind lady named Diane. She washed and wrapped my legs perfectly, and was very patient with me about how i wanted my socks to be put on and everything......but when i set up my next four appointments, i was told i would be seeing the other lady, Connie, a lady who i had had problems with in the past when i had seen her two years ago. I told Diane of my fears, but Diane said it would be okay, so i decided to give Connie another try. Well, at yesterday's appointment, Connie was okay with me at first. We talked about music and the nice town she lives in that is 20 minutes North of where i live, and how i'd love to live there. We also talked about autism, and how my autism manifests. She seemed understanding at first, and seemed to do a wonderful job at washing and massaging my legs, too. However, problems began to arise when she would touch my feet...they tickled alot when she would touch them, so i would laugh and jerk them away from her touch as an automatic she finally ended up losing her patience, making a remark that made me feel very uncomfortable...yes, she probably may of meant it to be teasing, but i didn't like the manner with which she said what she said to me...her remark, said in a loud voice, with her eyebrows arched and a snarky look on her face was: "Oh, you know, i can really make your feet tickle! Just watch me! Oh yea, i can really make them tickle!" That remark and attitude left me kind of afraid of her, because i did find it to be harsh. Then, when she began to put the lotion on my legs....she put it on my left leg and left foot, and massaged it in real nicely, which felt very good, and then put the lotion on my right foot, but not my right leg at all. She began to set about dressing and wrapping my legs, so i stopped her and politely asked her to please put the lotion on my right leg. She snapped at me, saying she had already put it on my right leg. Too afraid to say anything now, i let it go at first...but it really bothered me, so much that i had to say something, so i then told her again that i knew she did not put the lotion on my right leg, and to please put the lotion on. She got impatient with me again, but then did put the lotion on, telling me that i may have to buy them lotion if i keep asking for more lotion, which i wasn't doing...i was asking her to do what she had not done and was supposed to do. So she dressed and wrapped my legs. But then, when she began to put my socks on, she put them on where they were wrinkling and bunching up on my feet, and i asked if she would please put them on tighter, because with the wrinkles, and if they aren't put up and over the back of my heels tightly they ride up on my feet, and i really feel it and it affects how i walk...she again snapped at me, giving me another one of her hooded eyelid looks, saying "Oh, you want to put your own sock on?" I said, "I hope you aren't going to be mean to me." She said "I will be patient with you if you will work with me." I replied that i am trying to work with her, that i am autistic...that i do not try to be difficult, i am autistic. She then went onto complain how hard it is to work on fact, she seemed to not want to help me at all then, and i had to also ask her to help me get my shoes on, too. Because opf my weight, i have an awful time working with my bodsy below my hips, due to my weight....and Connie was well aware of this. We parted, with her saying goodbye in a loud sarcastic tone of voice....that didn't feel nice to me either. I know i was not accepted by she also had begun to complain how hard it was to work on my legs...... I went to get my iced tea and food for my dinner and came home to eat, as the scenes of that appointment played over and over in my head. I posted about it on Facebook....but was too tired and depressed to stay on and talk to everyone. Now that i have had some rest, i am up and writing about this. People.....autism is something that is....we cannot take oit off and act like the world wants us to act and perform. I am nice to people....but i always seem to get treated like i am a piece of dirt or a dirty sack of potatoes....and this, especially in doctor's offices and medical offices.....needs to be addressed and dealt with. I have been routinely discriminated against by this particular physical therapy place that i am forced to go to for my leg treatments, by the supervisor who runs it, and by people like Amy, another lady who i had had the leg treatemnts with, and by Connie, who is loud and snippy. I am also taken way back in the back, away from the front offices and away from everyone, where i feel more isolated and more of an easier target for this kind of treatment...and this frightens me and worries me sick...that Connie could be even more mean next week when i see her again. I feel i have no choice in the matter....and if i say i want Diane to treat my legs, then i will be forced to go in earlier, which will be even more of a challenge...hardship...for me to do. What i want from these places is reasonable accomodation for my disabilities. An office where the staff all know me by name and greet me like they are excited and glad to see me come. A place where i am cared about, and positively affirmed. A place where my meltdowns are understood. A place wher i feel i belong.....where i don't feel as if i am a burden. Yesterday, one of my Facebook friends posted about how it is for her where she gets her medical care, how they accomodate her so well....i hope she will repost her story in the commnets on this thread, by the way, ....because that is how things should be in medical offices and hospitals. Not the cruddy treatment i keep getting, over and over and over. Especially when i do not feel that i do anything to warrant this kind of awful treatment.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Why Can't My Family See?

Why Can't My Family See?
by Melissa Fields on Thursday, March 31, 2011 at 1:31pm
Well, i guess i don't have the love of my sister Pam again....lately when she emails me all the way from the National Forest in Arizona where she lives with her husband, she once again is lambasting me for going and blowing all my money on candy, CD's and books when i got upset in the past....even though it was in the past that i did that.....and also lambasting me for getting myself into debt.....then lambasting me for not seeing my street issues from "another perspective", or the fact that i am being bullied and terrorized so much that my house has turned into a prison, is somehow because i refuse to see thngs from a "different perspective".

Well, i ask, how can one see things from a "different perspective" when one is autistic, when one reaches her family..and to agencies...who...all continue to ignore her to this day.....and who all still refuse to understand her and help her? And when that autistic person IS being terrorized in her own home????

Why, God, did You see fit to let me be borne into a family, who today, all see me as a curse?
Why, dear God, why are my family so blind?
It just rips my heart out and tears me up to pieces......that they will not help me.....that they will not support me.....

The good news is that i do now have a doctor who i love...and i am finally going to get a full blood workup done, and my legs treated again.

But why, oh why, won't my family accept me and be here for me?

Friday, March 25, 2011

Melissa's Move

I created my Melissa's Move Facebook page as a way to garner help so that i can make a move because i am today, still being bullied and terrorized. I really do not want to have to move from here, as this is my home. My mother owns this house, and the house next door to it, and she rents the tiny cottage i live in, to me via Section 8, so i will never be homeless. However, i am facing the prospect of having to move, because there are several mean men who work in 4 nearby auto repair businesses here...who, because of other neighbor issues i had in the past with some mean girls back from 1992 thru 1997, and then large transport trucks barreling thru here at all hours of the day and night, and my complaints and meltdowns that i have had because of all of that....these men suddenly began to wage a loud and vicious war against me in my own home. They got some of the other businesses in on their war too...and my life...has never been the same since.

Couple with that, the fact that i am autistic and already have bad sensory issues with certain types of loud noises and when ppl are mean to me...i meltdown when under these conditions...and then cannot function normally on any level.

Well...unfortunately....try as hard as i did over these past twenty years to reach out for a resolve to my, these problems still exist and fester and manifest...and there are some days that i am in such a terrible meltdown mode because of what is taking place not more than 20 feet from my house that i literally become that is how close my house is to this street. I cope most days, by keeping both my TV stereo speakers and computer speakers turned up loud, to cover the outside racket and mayhem. I stay, literally holed up in fear and terror everyday, in this house, with both TV and computer turned up loud, and my curtains always shut tightly for fear if i open them to let in a litttle sunshine, the monsters will drive by and yell, rev their motors and honk at me, and when i do have to venture out to go to the bank, or to the grocery store...i have to wear thick heavy headphones to and from my car, so i won't have to hear these men banshee yell or lay on the horns of their vehicles as i pass from my front door to my car....then i have to try to time my trips so i come back when thy have all gone home for the day...and i can get back to my house without incident.

All of this...has worn on me so greatly, that now my physical health is is failing badly. For you see, when a city just looks the other way and allows one of its most vulnerable citizens to just live with this, endure this, and just cope with this...and they don't do a damn thing to help resolve...and i mean really resolve this bully issue, so i can live here in peace...then, i am put under a stress so huge that everything is affected. The way i see, the way i smell, the way i taste all of the food i eat, the way i am not able to relax and enjoy a good book or movie, or the dawn of a new day unfold, with its beautiful shades of pinks and oranges....this affects my whole sleeping cycle and the way i even digest my food.

Often, i am so paralyzed by my fear of these men and the mean things they do just to antagonize me....that it takes me forever to get dressed and out the door to do stuff. My joints ache and hurt all the time now, from the weight that this has put over me. I can barely walk thru a grocery store now, without alot of pain. I am gaining weight and now weigh 340 pounds now, because of the stress. it causes cortisol to form mostly in the midsection of a person's body, the worst place that a person can have weight gain. My legs are now in Stage Two lymphodema, and look like elephant trunks now, they are so swollen..and they often drain, which adds to my further discomfort.

Now...all of my childhood dreams of being able to act, go to modeling school, be a rock radio deejay, and to get to travel and see places like Upper Michigan, Mackinac Island, Wisconsin, New England, New York City and New York State, our nation's capitol.....are all just that...dreams that i may now never get to achieve, because now i am on a sort of Death Row with my health, waiting for God, in His mercy, to just take me Home. No..i will never harm myself. But i do sometimes pray that God will just take hurts SO very badly for me sometimes. No one should have to hurt like this just because they are disabled and cannot work to better their lives.

I have tried reaching out to every agency here: County Mental Health, Tri Counties Regional Center, Cares, Inc., Transitions Mental Health, People's Self Help Housing, the police, the city council of this town, to other city officials...and also to the area newspapers, and TV media outlets. No one here want to help, or is able to help.

I fall through the cracks..and i have always fallen through the cracks.

If i just could find someone kind, who would go with me to the local electronics store so i wouldn;t get taken and ripped off by the salespeople there...i would go get that videocamera and start recording all of the shenanigans these monsters pull. I do have over twenty VHS tape recordings of alot of the stuff they have done, that i was able to record from July of 2005, to February of 2007. But the system broke, so i now have nothing again.

To cope...i went and got a loan and several credit cards, and have, over the course of all these years, racked up approx. $8,700 dollars in debt, trying to myself the best that i could from these unbearable circumstances. One, was that i love indie rock alternative and underground music so much, that i began to really hate and dread driving, because all i had in my car, was an antiquated AM/FM cassette stereo. So i took out a loan to buy a nice CD stereo radio sound system which included XM satellite radio, so i would not have meltdowns in my car anymore. Then i went and bought all the good music i wanted and liked..and lots of books and all my favorite DVD movies. I also used the money to get out of here everyday, when it was so bad that i couldn't stay here.

Yes..i wish i had not of done all of that...but...hey, when you are made to feel like you can;t enjoy your home..and can;t be or exist in reasonable does things to you....alot of weird things...inside and out.

It is not just money i need..i also need to have a local network of autism community friends. I need for the bullying to stop. I need for my city leaders to start caring. I need my family to care. I need a way out.....a permanent way out. I will probably never be able to work at a regular job now, because of what the past twenty years has done to my whole body, both physically and emotionally and i instead, need to find a way to make money by selling my life story, all of the poetry that i have written, and my artwork that i used to do. I need a way out, so that when my mother passes away someday...i will not be even more alone and floundering even more than i am now. why i have my Melissa's Move page on Facebook.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

My Doctor's Appointment Today

My Doctor's Appointment Today
by Melissa Fields on Thursday, March 17, 2011 at 8:55pm
Hi Everyone!!!!

I want to say a HUGE thank you to all who prayed for me that my doctor appointment with my new primary care doctor would go well today.

Well.....things did, and did not work out for me. The doctor that i was going to see, was not a good fit for me, as there was a huge personality clash right off the bat between her and i. I am a very complex person, in large part due to my autism/sensory issues, plus what i have had to endure here at my house for the past twenty years, so this didn't surprise me. Luckily, i was able to speak right up and advocate well for myself with the nursing staff, who were all very nice and easy to work with. I told them my concerns and fears, and they were veery understanding. They set me up to talk to that clinic's supervisor, another kind lady who totally knew all my issues with autism, sensory issues, and how it is hard for me to get along with people who are blunt, strict, and she set me up right away with another doctor here in their Santa Maria clinic, who she said will definitely be a good fit, because he works with alot of autistic people, and he is very friendly, very mellow, very open and compassionate. My new appointment with my new doctor will be on Tuesday, March 29th at 4:15 PM. Luckily for me too, is that this clinic is all networked in together with the same clinics in Lompoc, which is too long of a drive for me, Nipomo---where i went today----Santa Maria, my hometown,---where i will be going on the 29th----and a bunch of others here on the Central i do not have to change anything or fill out anymore new forms.

I am proud of myself for actually taking charge and turning what could have been another trainwreck into a good experience today. I was able to actually take another sack of lemons that i got handed, and turn it into lemonade today. When i actually felt like running out of that clinic several times while i was there!!!!

I feel hopeful that i am on my way, headed in the right direction now.

Sometimes it is a process to find the right medical provider...and sadly, i had to go through several long years, decades, of sheer hell to finally find good medical help. These new community clinics seem to be all about being here for us patients....and not for that, in itself, give me a renewed hope in our healthcare system.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Lord---Please Have Mercy On Me!!!!!

Lord..Please...I Have Had Enough...PLEASE Have Mercy On Me!!!!!!!!!
by Melissa Fields on Saturday, March 5, 2011 at 2:37pm
An autistic Baby Boomer who is perishing, because my family and community still ignore me to this day!!!!

As each day dawns fresh and new...i wake up briefly...and then will myself right back asleep, because, instead of being able to hear and enjoy the birds outside...i have amplified, electronic music, and my television both playing to shut out the supersonic loud hot rods and motorcycles that i know are going to parade past my house each morning...Lord...what, in Heaven's name did i ever do to deserve this hell i have to live in? And why is it so impossible for me to get hooked up with the help i need so that i can have better than this? My legs are so swollen now, they are swollen so tight now, due to stage two lymphodema, with sores that sometimes open up and ooze....all because i can no longer sleep in a normal bed...i have to slep sitting up and back on my couch, with my legs down. I can barely walk, even around my house anymore, because i have gained so much weight that my back and hips and knees hurt.......why, you may ask, have i let myself go like this?

it is the constant tension and anxiety i am under, because i never have enough money to do pleasureable things...only enough to eat, pay my bills, and survive through each month. It is the pain and anguish i feel, everyday, because i have never been able to work or do anything to better these circumstances...i just have to endure ths daily diet of barragement from all of the mean men who work in these five businesses on this street that i live on who bully and terrorize me on an almost daily basis....the local police do not care anymore...they will not even take the time to understand, and just have labeled me a chronic complainer..and so has the mayor of my city.....and everyone, all turns a deaf ear to me...i cry so loud that my throat often becaomes so very hoarse.....but still, no one will hear me......the tension.....makes me so crazy...the tension makes me so out of control in so many areas that i am not even eating right anymore. I am gaining weight hand over fist...i am spending on credit cards, to help make ends meet, to try to make this cage more bearable to live in. On top of that, i cannot even handle cooking....i am a autistic Baby Boomer adult who has shut down, because her community and most of her family...all choose to ignore her and shove her in the corner like an old, dirty bag of clothes that the family wants to donate to the local homeless shelter.

Some mean people will say...well, why don't you just kill yourself? Believe me...i do think about it...alot!!!!! But what stops my Christian faith. Even so....i will often will look to the sky and beg my Heavenly Father to just take me Home and be done with it.

I am fifty years old....i will be fifty-one in May. I do not want to die. I want my health and well-being back. I want a chance to be able to fulfill my lifelong dreams and goals, once and for all. I want my friends and family to care and to rally around me. This is way too much for me to bear alone anymore. I do not want to lose my independence.....but i do need help....i don't need to be fixed or cured myself...but i do need to move...and i do need a way to be able to have a better life existence than what the government aid i am on provides for me.....i want to LIVE, for once in my should not have to be like this for so many of us autistic adults.......we are living, breathing human beings.....and i am hurting way beyond what i can even bear anymore because of the circumstances that i am trapped in....!!!!!!!!

I want so very much to be able to travel and see all the places that i have pictures of, both on the walls of my house, and my computer....of New York state, New York City, Washington DC, New England, Maryland, Virginia, The Great Lakes States, Mackinac Isalnd, Michigan, etc. I long to be able to have my own internet/satellite radio station/company, that will play freeform stations of indie rock, Christian rock, indie hip hop, electronic, even country for you folks who like country.....i have dreams.....i have also help other children and adults who are autistic, to be able to realize their full potentials in they don't have to live their whole adult lives, like i have had to, wasting away on meager government entitlements.

Will SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME???????????????????? Will someone please tell my story???? Will people please start caring???????? PLEASE????????

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Customer Service Means Equal Respect For All

Customer Service Means Equal Respect For All--I Was Discriminated Against Again At A Local Chain Restaurant Tonight!!
by Melissa Fields on Thursday, February 24, 2011 at 2:53am
It is now 2011!!!! This needs to stop already!!!!! The bullying and mistreatment of children and adults who have special needs is a very real--and serious issue--and it is still happening!!!!! It happened to me again tonight in a local restaurant that is part of a national chain of health-conscious places to eat. All i wanted was to eat something that was healthy and fresh for a change---and my efforts only caused me more in the way of uneeded heartache for myself.

This is going to be a long post, but this all needs to be said and addressed, so, please take the time to read it---because these people who are being mean---they do not realize the very real harm they are causing us when they treat us this way. I have just as much right to eat at that place as anyone else---and to be made to feel as welcomed and comfortable. But----this didn;t happen for me tonight--and you know, after all was said and done, i left that establishment feeling so demoralized and disempowered that i was actually feleling like driving my car off the nearest cliff. I wanted to just melt straight into the seat of my car and die, because of the way i was treated by the manager of that place.

The past few weeks i have been having alot more frequent stomache upsets than i normally do. Since i have alot of sensory issues/obsessions about preparing and cooking my own meals, i either eat entrees that can easily be popped in my microwave and heated, or i make simple sandwiches, and i also keep a large stock of the larger plastic drinking cups, Chinet heavy duty paper platters, and plastic silverware on hand, so i don't have to bother with washing i also have a sensory issue when it comes to washing, did i clean and disinfect the germs off of them enough? When i don't eat these things at home, i eat out, in order to get the things, such as beef, chicken, steamed cooked vegetables, baked potatoes, enchiladas, and other foods that i oftentimes crave....but can't have, because i cannot cook these thngs for myself. By the way, before i go on, for all of my new friends who do not yet know...i am a middle aged autistic adult....someone who is today, suffering on so many levels because i have never been able to get the help, treatments, interventions, services and supports so i could be able to grow up to have a real chance at being able to lead a normal productive life as an adult.

It is this way for most if us adults who are on the spectrum. It's this way for me.

I am also a real people person, too. In fact, i am overly friendly, and i actually just love, love, LOVE to be around and talk to/hang out with others when they are nice, friendly, kind, and accepting of me. And that is the other reason why i often eat out. For the social contact and rapport that i have with many of the servers, cooks, and managers of these restaurants. If i like a place...i keep going back to it. But....that's where the problems begin to manifest themselves, because, invariably, as these people continue to see me, and get to know me, they, for some strange reason, seem to begin to soon grow tired of me always having to have things a certain food, my money, and the way i am talked to. Or else---i end up having meltdowns in their restaurant, either because someone was not friendly to me, or they are out of the iced tea and i have to resort back to drinking Pepsi or Coke, which i don't want to drink all the time, because i think Pepsi and Coke make my legs more swollen and sore. Or if there is no ice in the machine. Other things that can make me meltdown in a restaurant are when other kids or teenagers start staring at me and giggling and making fun of me. I am extremely fine-tuned to peoples body language, their tones of voice, eyes, mouths, and the way their countenances the point of being hypersensitive. For some reason---i have always been the most hypersensitive in these areas. Now, when i say i meltdown in public...i don't mean that i meltdown where i am screaming and bawling. When i get upset in a public reactions will range from being rude, abrupt and outspoken to the offending party(ies), only because i get in real anxiety modes when there is no iced tea or ice, or my food is all wrong....or i will stand there in front of the drink/ice machine and huff and puff loudly, and let out swear words under my breath, shaking my heaed repeatedly, while i wait for someone to make new iced tea, or replenish the ice....again, it is not that i am being a spoiled is because of the mode of anxiety i go into when these things happen. I like to think that i am a nice person----and, believe me, i do try to be nice and polite to people whenever possible--because that is how my parents and grandparents raised me to be. And----because----i like to be nice and friendly to everyone!!!! In fact, another real pet peeve of mine that really gets under my skin, is when i hold open the door for someone and they pass through, and look at me, and they don't smile at me---and they don't say "Thank you," to me!! I will often react by saying loud enough so they can be sure to hear----"'re WELCOME!!" Or, and here's a good one!! Alot of times when i go to the post office to check my P. O. box, it is sometimes a real nightmare just to get a decent parking spot. But, when i go back out to my car, start it back up, put it into reverse, and start to back out...invariably, someone--and then, several someones decide to all invade the parking lot behind me, and they will NOT let me out---even though i have my reverse lights on, and am creeping out, ever so slowly...inch by inch....then, i roar like a lion, i am so mad. Again, not because i am trying to be mean...but because there is a point where i just can't stay patient anymore, because my senses overload..and then---WHAM!! I am at my worst when i am at the post office, because it is often too crowded. Our city is growing too large now, to just continue to make-do with the one big post office we have....they needed to build a second one yesterday, darnit!!!!!!! But--my meltdowns can sometimes consist of yelling at people too...but that is usually out in the open air....not in a restaurant, that i do my yelling. In side buildings, i do try to contian it to a reasonable level. I do get kind of loud, if i get angry enough though, and there was one place where things actually DID escalate into me screaming hysterically----but that was back in 1997, at a buffet restaurant where there were several teenage employees who ganged up on me to make my visits there a living hell....and one day, things got so bad, that i left out of there screaming hysterically, got in my car, came home and threw my whole meal up in the kitcxhen sink. I have never been back to that particular establishment.

Anyway, now to get to why i am writing this note: earlier tonight, i decided to eat at a national chain restaurant that specializes in delicious, but very healthy breads, salads, soups, fruit, awesome sandwiches, pastries, and cookies. This place is one of my favorite places to eat, as they have always been very patient, kind, nice and accomodating of my sensory issues. I sometimes like to take a good book there to read while i eat.....and...they have wi-fi there if i had a laptop, i could also surf the internet if i wanted to, while i eat. It is a very nice place to relax. However, again, a couple of their managers lost their patience of me, when i began to complain and take up too much of their times with wanting to talk. One lady, in partcular, started to become really really LOUD with me...always shouting-down at me, instead of talking TO me in a normal tone of voice--if you know what i mean. Well, I didn't like it. People who do that, do that because they want you to be and stay beneath them. They do it to try to get rid of you. They do it because they want you out of their hair, so to speak. So---- I grew to not like that particular lady anymore, and i began to go in when she wasn't there, to avoid her.

Well...tonight, i went there, because i just had to have a sandwich with turkey, bacon, melted cheddar cheese,a cup of theri broccoli cheese soup, and a fresh fruit bowl. Well, comt to find out, that lady was there---plus, there were two new cooks in the back, who both had very unfriendly attitudes. The two girls in front were really nice...but gone were all of my other friends---and in back were these two new "thugs" , who wouldn't smile or say hi to me, like the other cooks always did. Even so, i still wanted to eat there...because my mouth was really, really, really watering for fresh fruit and soup and a sandwich.

So i ordered. On my way back, i tried my best to make freinds with the two new cooks---but they only got a tiny bit more nice----so----i knew these guys were going to be a problem. I got my iced tea and fruit punch mix, and sat down. Pretty soon, my food came. One of the new cooks brought it to me, but he remained cold and unfriendly. Even so, I dug into my broccoli soup, then took a bite of one of the apple slices, then ate some of the mixed fruit. Then, when i got to my sandwich---i went to pick it up-----and-----looked-----and felt the bacon----and----found the bacon----to be----as cold as ice!!!!!!! THIS was WRONG!!!!!!! Up i got, and i marched straight over to the back counter where the one new cook was, and i told him to please make me a new sandwich, that i had ordered it as a grilled melt...and that the bacon needed to be cooked. And, no, i was not nice about it, because by this time, i was angry.

I went back and went on eatting my mixed fruit, soup, and apple. my sandwich still was in the process of being made..i would have really liked to be able to have it there to eat with my other food....but i waited and waited. I finally caught one of the floor girls, and asked her to get the anager. When the manager came, it was that lady who hated me from before, and again, she she didn't talk to me...she began shouting down at me, with her hands on her hips, and a large clipboard in one hand, as she peered down at me in a very condescening but forced friendly manner......."Well, hello, Missy, what seems to be the trouble?" in a voice so loud and sarcastic that i was embarrassed. It was obvious she did not want to deal with me anymore than she had to, by the way she kept arching her eyebrows, and acting like she was eager to to walk away.she took my receipt, so she could make sure my sandwich could be done to my specs. But by the time my sandwich did come, i had already finsihed my soup, and fruit. That alone, ruined my meal. But i felt, on top of that, like my face had just been hit by a ton of shaved ice by the way the mean manager was shouting down at me her high perch.

She brought me my sandwich...still shouting down to me, to tell me she'd be back to see how i liked the new sandwich. I wish i could make a video of the way she was shout-talking at would totally describe what it was like....thast this lady was being abusive to me. I was so upset that i could feel all the muscles in my face contort nto one of my famous looks of distress that i get when i'm upset so deep down inside, but can't meltdown.

Through all of this....i remained calm----i never once raised my voice---she did all the shout-talking down to me. I asked to have her come back to my table to remind her that i am autistic and that her yelling was not appropriate. Though she now lowered her voice, she still belittled me, saying that i just had to get used to it, it is the way she talkes. I knew that was bull. I asked her where Lindsay and all the others were---and she said they were all in the new store up in San Luis Obispo--that i was stuck woith her now, and the new workers..and that i'd just have to get used to them now. Then, when she went back behind her counter---i could actually hear her complain to one of the other girls: "Oh yea, and she was also saying i was yelling at her!!" OKAY!!!! THAT was IT for ME!!!!! I didn't like being continued to be talked at and down to like this---and THEN when i overheard her complaining about me not liking her loud i finally finished my last delicious but ruined juicy red seedless grapes.....i went to refill my tea...and i went and while the lady was in the back, i asked the other girl if she had indeed made remarks about me...she said had the lady called back out...and i requested to have my money refunded.

Yes, i did have my entire meal refunded. But....this was yet anither case of downright discrimination of a disabled person, all because this manager felt she could get away with it----and all the more reason why we have to get the message out there that this knd of crud cannot, and should not, be tolerated any longer.

Please feel free to comment and share this on your walls. If anyone of you want to know the name of the establishment where this incident occured, you can private message me, and i will tell you. I feel that this lady should be fired, or at least that she should work in a department or job where she does not have to deal with the public, because dealing with the public means just that: you have to learn to deal with everyone who comes into your establishment with equal respect and dignity--and if someone is a person who has special needs, you need to have the training to be able to accomodate that person's needs. All it takes is for people to have love, acceptance, and patience for all people. If a person doesn't have that, than they need to look for work elsewhere.

Thank you and God bless!!!! <3<3<3<3

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Rivers Of Tears, Rivers Of Heartaches

Sometimes i think i just want to roll right up into a ball and give up---deactivate my whole Facebook account and turn off the computer and just-----lie back on my couch and wait for God to take me Home.

I ache huge rivers whenever i see my brothers and sisters, sisters in laws, and nieces and nephews all interacting....when i see that they are laughing, and having fun, all over Facebook....and i am not able to ever join in---i always just have to stand way up in the stands and watch them all from afar.....because they will not let me befriend them.

My family..and they have to be strangers to me...this is a hurt that i cannot just forget and shove under the rug as it hurts like a never ending stab wound right in my side all the time.....

I ache the same when a friend who was once close...suddenly loses it with me and goes off on me because she can't handle me anymore, and she turns viciously angry with me----then she cuts me off at the knees.

When i do sleep...sometimes my dreams are so beautiful...all these beautifully woven tapestries woven together of all the places i long to see but cannot in real life.

A few mornings ago, i dreamed that i was staying in a nice New York City apartment right in the center of Mid-Town Manhattan. All through this dream, i wandered up and down the streets, seeing Central Park, and it ended with me eatting at a small diner, having breakfast for dinner. It was still light outside, as the days were getting longer, and the waitress, a middle-aged blonde curly headed lady, was very nice to me. My dream ended, and i awoke to one of my very painful stomache upsets. Painful stomache upsets that i have quite often, because of all my stress and worry.

It took me two hours to get my stomache calmed down again...and then i went back to sleep again...and this time i dreamed that i was in Milwaukee, staying in a huge airy penthouse apartment with all these other ladies who were interior designers who worked with HGTV. It was Springtime, and evetything was all green and there were lots of flowers all around. Nearby Lake Michigan was a beautiful, sparkly shade of dark blue, shimmering in the noonday sun. I was all excited and happy....and i felt so at peace there. I had my own rental car, and was going to even take a drive that afternoon down to South Milwaukee to see my friend Tricia.

Then i awoke again to more hot rods...and the cold harsh reality that i was NOT in Milwaukee, but still living here on Mean Bully Monster Street.

That afternoon i found out that my mother had talked to my aunt again--and--once again, even though my mother told her how serious things are getting for me now, with my legs and the street, my aunt made no mention of helping me, and that was that.

I try to be happy and upbeat...but it is hard to keep positive when all of the doors seem to stay shut.

So...i just continue to write....with the hopes that someday the right person will see these notes and blogs...and i will finally be rescued from this pit. So that i, a middle-aged autistic lady, can finally have a life that is at least halfway bearable to live.

God bless you, everyone!! <3 <3 <3 <3

Thursday, February 10, 2011

A New Update, And Why I Cancelled An Appointment

I was very depressed all day today......and i still am. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, so i slept for the past three hours after my soap operas were over. Before i go on in this note/blog, i want to explain that i am not writing this to slam anyone, but to explain my circumstances, for the sake of education, as to how difficult it is to exist as an autistic adult who has never, ever had the therapy and treatments she has needed all of her life so that she can learn how to get along and cope in life. I want to explain why i am the way i am, why I do the things the way that i why i had to cancel a doctor's appointment that i had on Tuesday of this week. I am writing this because of some very unfair, cruel allegations that were made about me that i need to defend myself on, that resulted from me cancelling that doctor's appointment.

Number one, it is not easy for me to have and keep friends, because of how complex and sensitive i am. Even so, i am a people person anyway-----i actually love to be around people, and i actually do quite well around people who are warm and friendly and accepting of me. But---sadly, i had to finally end a friendship that i had with a local individual who was attempting to get me healthcare and services, because she did not have alot in the way of patience and understanding of me. We kept butting heads, because of the way she would react and deal with me. This was only adding to my sensory issues....and was causing me to have horrible meltdowns where i was beginnning to go off on her. Sadly, this lady did not have the ability to listen to me when i wanted and needed to talk and vent...she wanted to fix me...and that was the main thing that finally ended up hurting our friendship. I know that i am an extremely complex, difficult and needy person to deal with......but i truly i cannot help that!!!! It is because i am autistic, and my brain and whole body and system are wired a certain way. It is because of the way i grew up, it is because i have had so many a bad experience with neurotypical people who don't take the time to really listen to me, understand and get me, and because of the unhealthy, oppressive environment that i have had to live trapped in for the past 20 years, that is the reason why it has now become even more of a challenge for me to get the healthcare and help that i know i need. I am now so deathly afraid of going to see a doctor by myself...because of all of the bad experiences i have had over the years in doctor's offices, both with doctors and the office staff, mistreating me because they either cannot or won't understand me. For one thing, i am highly allergic to most medication, and also have a long history of other very adverse reactionxs to them, so i take vitamins and minerals instead. I do not want to be forced to have to quit taking my vitamins, and take meds instead, because meds would only further add to my disabilities, and i am afriad of being even more incapacitated than i already am, due to the side effects. I live alone.....and what if some med i was on caused my whole body to just lock up on me? There i would sit, unable to call 911, so i could get an ambulance to take me to the ER!!!! Or, how about meds that would stifle and totally take away my creativity and unique personality that i happen to like? Or--how about if i was always too tired and dizzy to drive myself to the grocery store to do my grocery shopping so i can have milk and cereal and food to eat? Those are things that i am NOT willing to have to endure, on top of the prison i am already in!!!!!

This person who was my friend, said alot of things that are plain wrong----and cruel.

I am NOT afraid to seek medical attention, nor am i using my autism as a crutch...nor are my financial problems self-inflicted either!!!!!!! I cannot my government assistance is the only help i have. Should i have to live my life totally in a box just because i am on government entitlements? Just live without ANY outlets and pleasures at ALL????? For one, i dop NOT eat out because it's a luxury to me...i eat out because i am unable to handle cooking full-on for myself, other than to heat up microwave entrees that i can easily just pop in the microwave. I eat out so i can get the things i cannot cook at home----things like eggs, baked potatoes, vegetables, etc., that i cannot cook for myself. And furthermore....i DO NOT blow my money on frivolous things either!!!!! I pay all of my monthly bills on time...and i adhere to a set budget, every single month!!!!! Dear God in Heaven-----i should not even have to be spending my energy writing this note/blog defending myself like this tonight. I so wish that more people would take the time to UNDERSTAND autism...and how it IS--REALLY IS-----for us who are on the autism spectrum!!!!!!! Have patience with us!!!!! Let us talk, write, vent, and be who we are, and stoop judging us and trying to FIX and CURE us-----PLEASE!!!!!! Life would be SO much easier, if we could have this from the neurotypical world!!!!!!

As for my issues with seeking medical care, the solution that my ex-friend came up with, was for me to finally get hooked up with a clinic that is located way over in another local city, where this lady lives, because she knows all the doctors there, and to set up all of these doctor's appointments up for in the mornings, so that it would fit her schedule, since she also has two boys on the spectrum who she has to give her atention to in the afternoons. This was so she could better advocate for me. Well, that would have been fine......except that, 1), i have an older car, a '95 Toyota Tercel, that needs some repair work done on it. 2), Gas prices are now up to $3.49 a gallon here on the Central Coast of CA----and are expected to rise even higher, and, 3), this other local city where my ex-friend lives, is located 25 miles Southwest of here, on highways that are very hilly, somewhat winding, and much of it is isolated ranchland that i must drive through to get there. Since i have real trouble staying on a set sleep schedule anyway.....mornings are usually my roughest times for me to get going, and i cannot always make appointments that are set in the mornings, due to that. I tend to do alot better after noon, so afternoon appointments are alot easier for me to handle because of this.

Lately, it has once again become harder for me to get to sleep at a reasonable i am once again getting to sleep later and later, and later, again. That is how my sleep schedule is like a circle that is ever changing, ever evolving....never ending.

On Sunday night, i had asked my ex-friend to please cancel my appointment, because i was having too much trouble getting to sleep again, and felt i wouldn't be able to get going in time to make my Tuesday appointment. Even so, the clinic still called, the following morning, with an automated, not live, announcement, to let me know that i still had this appointment. I went to call my ex-friend, all freaked out that my appointment still hadn't yet been cancelled, and she misunderstood, accusing me of jumping down her throat, when i didn't mean it at all to be jumping down her throat....and we had a blowout over it. I told her that i would rather switch to a clinic hat is closer to me, and she could drive here to go with me to this doctor instead...and she said it wouldn't work, so i hung up, frustrated and angry. I called her later on that night, and we began arguing again, because everything i said seemed to all be wrong.

I went to bed that night, very late, because i was so upset about all the arguing...and, as a result, woke up the next morning, Tuesday, at 5:30 in the morning, with a stomache ache so horrible, i felt that i was going to actually die. I am sharing this again, not to slam this ex-friend, but to illustrate how, for those of use who are on the spectrum----how hard it is for us to just jump through other people's hoops---how hard it is for us to live up to the expectations other people try to set for us. I can only do what i can handle....i can only move at a certain pace...and this is because...i just can't do it any other way!!!!!! It isn't that i am trying to be is that i just don't have the capabilites that other people do!!!!!!!!!

I would LOVE to be able to do better than this!!!!!!!. And this morning, i did call Medi-Caid to have my medical clinic switched to another clinic that is only 7 miles North of here, as opposed to the 25 miles of isolated highway i would have to drive to go to my ex- friend's clinic----because again, unlike this lady's cruel allegatuions, i am NOT trying to get out of seing a doctor!!!!!! I KNOW i need medical attention----and i am going to seek it!!!!!!!! I just now have to try to muster the courage to go visit some local churches and see if they can find a kind soul who would be willing to go with me to this new the i won't have to go there all by myself.

I am trying, everyone!!!!! Please continue to keep me in your prayers, and please don't stop being my friends!!!! I pray for my ex-friend too. I pray that this whole world will become a nicer, kinder, gentler place again....because i so hate the fighting and meanness that is so prevalent in today's world. Please hug someone you care about today. Smile at a stranger as they pass you by. Smile at the autistic adult you meet. Give them a chance. Give us all a chance, and please don't get mad and give up on us when we mess up and do it wrong sometimes!!!!!!!

God bless!!!!! <3<3<3<3

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Just An Update!! :)

Today is a beautiful sunny, but crisp and cold Sunday morning. Christmas and New Years have come and gone......and i am ready for this year to be my year that things start happening!! To that end, i have finally begun work on my life story. I began writing this on Christmas Eve, at the encouragement and urging of my neighbor, Garrison. As of today, i am already up to chapter 28, page 167, and the year, 1983....the summer of that year. This is an often very painful and tough story to tell, as i have been through a great deal of very traumatic things in my lifetime. But it is my fervent hope and prayer that this will get the autism community needs to hear our voices......the voices of those of us who go through it daily and even moment-by-moment.

My writing goes in spurts. Right now, i am busy trying to get into see a doctor about my legs. I also suffer from a condition called lymphodema on both legs...and when i am under alot of stress, or i have bumped my legs, my legs break out into ulcers. That part of my story will also be included in my book, by the way. The lymphodema was caused by me not being able to sleep laying down in a bed for the past 6 years. I have, instead, had to sleep, sitting up and back, on my couch, with my legs down, for these past 6 years. The overall stress that i have been through, all of my life, first with my family, and the schools i went to, and then, for the past 20 years, with this street that i live on, where, for the past 20 years, i have had no choice but to keep living here, where i get tormented and terrorized daily, by several mean men in several nearby auto shops----has thrown my whole body even more out of whack, my hormones included. And it caused me to become addicted to eating, way back when i was in high school. As a result, i am now, at the age of 50 years, morbidly obese, and have to, on top of it all, face alot of taunts and teasing about my size, too.

I was born autistic...but nobody ever saw this until i was well into adulthood...and i still am unable to secure the help and services i have needed so badly all of my life. I have, instead, been relegated to what has so far, amounted to a life sentence me of living on government entitlement programs that barely allow me to be able to get by, month-to-month. I still have so many dreams and goals of being able to travel and see New York City, New England, New York State, Washington DC, the sunrise over the Atlantic Ocean, Michigan, and Wisconsin....and, because of my love for all music indie rock, alternative, underground hip hop, electronic, and Christian rock....i would still love to get into radio. I also love to draw and write.

My whole family are well-aware of my plight. I even have an aunt and uncle who are also well-aware, and who have the money and resources to help me to be able to get these services. He is a very well-known, famous, and rich sports personality. cries continue to fall on deaf ears.

I am worried all the time about my circumstances. I have now set up a page here on Facebook called Help Melissa Move. Please type it in the search bar, and click like to support me. And please feel free to leave your comments on what you are feeling, or thoughts about my case.

And so now, i am focused on getting my life story, finally, out to the public. I will continue to be on Facebook, everyday. I will continue to be friends with all of you who are willing to stick by me. I sometimes get the feeling that some of you are getting angry at, or tired of me. I hope that this isn't the case....i love you all...and it would mean alot to have you all continue to stick by me, please. And, if anyone wants to help me with my story...i am open to your help, too, with this.

Thank you all and God bless you. :) <3<3<3<3