Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Rivers Of Tears, Rivers Of Heartaches

Sometimes i think i just want to roll right up into a ball and give up---deactivate my whole Facebook account and turn off the computer and just-----lie back on my couch and wait for God to take me Home.

I ache huge rivers whenever i see my brothers and sisters, sisters in laws, and nieces and nephews all interacting....when i see that they are laughing, and having fun, all over Facebook....and i am not able to ever join in---i always just have to stand way up in the stands and watch them all from afar.....because they will not let me befriend them.

My family..and they have to be strangers to me...this is a hurt that i cannot just forget and shove under the rug as it hurts like a never ending stab wound right in my side all the time.....

I ache the same when a friend who was once close...suddenly loses it with me and goes off on me because she can't handle me anymore, and she turns viciously angry with me----then she cuts me off at the knees.

When i do sleep...sometimes my dreams are so beautiful...all these beautifully woven tapestries woven together of all the places i long to see but cannot in real life.

A few mornings ago, i dreamed that i was staying in a nice New York City apartment right in the center of Mid-Town Manhattan. All through this dream, i wandered up and down the streets, seeing Central Park, and it ended with me eatting at a small diner, having breakfast for dinner. It was still light outside, as the days were getting longer, and the waitress, a middle-aged blonde curly headed lady, was very nice to me. My dream ended, and i awoke to one of my very painful stomache upsets. Painful stomache upsets that i have quite often, because of all my stress and worry.

It took me two hours to get my stomache calmed down again...and then i went back to sleep again...and this time i dreamed that i was in Milwaukee, staying in a huge airy penthouse apartment with all these other ladies who were interior designers who worked with HGTV. It was Springtime, and evetything was all green and there were lots of flowers all around. Nearby Lake Michigan was a beautiful, sparkly shade of dark blue, shimmering in the noonday sun. I was all excited and happy....and i felt so at peace there. I had my own rental car, and was going to even take a drive that afternoon down to South Milwaukee to see my friend Tricia.

Then i awoke again to more hot rods...and the cold harsh reality that i was NOT in Milwaukee, but still living here on Mean Bully Monster Street.

That afternoon i found out that my mother had talked to my aunt again--and--once again, even though my mother told her how serious things are getting for me now, with my legs and the street, my aunt made no mention of helping me, and that was that.

I try to be happy and upbeat...but it is hard to keep positive when all of the doors seem to stay shut.

So...i just continue to write....with the hopes that someday the right person will see these notes and blogs...and i will finally be rescued from this pit. So that i, a middle-aged autistic lady, can finally have a life that is at least halfway bearable to live.

God bless you, everyone!! <3 <3 <3 <3

1 comment:

Madison said...

First, I want to say thank you for following me.
And second...you write beautifully.

Are you involved in any recreational programs book clubs,writing classes,recreational,etc? They would be great for you and help you continue to develop the talent that you obviously have.
When you are feeling down and out, remeber not to give up...In the meantime continue doing what you are doing, like sharing and writing about it. Eventually something positive will show up. In my experience I've come to learn that GOD works in mysterious ways and when we least expect it.