I was very depressed all day today......and i still am. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, so i slept for the past three hours after my soap operas were over. Before i go on in this note/blog, i want to explain that i am not writing this to slam anyone, but to explain my circumstances, for the sake of education, as to how difficult it is to exist as an autistic adult who has never, ever had the therapy and treatments she has needed all of her life so that she can learn how to get along and cope in life. I want to explain why i am the way i am, why I do the things the way that i do...plus why i had to cancel a doctor's appointment that i had on Tuesday of this week. I am writing this because of some very unfair, cruel allegations that were made about me that i need to defend myself on, that resulted from me cancelling that doctor's appointment.
Number one, it is not easy for me to have and keep friends, because of how complex and sensitive i am. Even so, i am a people person anyway-----i actually love to be around people, and i actually do quite well around people who are warm and friendly and accepting of me. But---sadly, i had to finally end a friendship that i had with a local individual who was attempting to get me healthcare and services, because she did not have alot in the way of patience and understanding of me. We kept butting heads, because of the way she would react and deal with me. This was only adding to my sensory issues....and was causing me to have horrible meltdowns where i was beginnning to go off on her. Sadly, this lady did not have the ability to listen to me when i wanted and needed to talk and vent...she wanted to fix me...and that was the main thing that finally ended up hurting our friendship. I know that i am an extremely complex, difficult and needy person to deal with......but i truly i cannot help that!!!! It is because i am autistic, and my brain and whole body and system are wired a certain way. It is because of the way i grew up, it is because i have had so many a bad experience with neurotypical people who don't take the time to really listen to me, understand and get me, and because of the unhealthy, oppressive environment that i have had to live trapped in for the past 20 years, that is the reason why it has now become even more of a challenge for me to get the healthcare and help that i know i need. I am now so deathly afraid of going to see a doctor by myself...because of all of the bad experiences i have had over the years in doctor's offices, both with doctors and the office staff, mistreating me because they either cannot or won't understand me. For one thing, i am highly allergic to most medication, and also have a long history of other very adverse reactionxs to them, so i take vitamins and minerals instead. I do not want to be forced to have to quit taking my vitamins, and take meds instead, because meds would only further add to my disabilities, and i am afriad of being even more incapacitated than i already am, due to the side effects. I live alone.....and what if some med i was on caused my whole body to just lock up on me? There i would sit, unable to call 911, so i could get an ambulance to take me to the ER!!!! Or, how about meds that would stifle and totally take away my creativity and unique personality that i happen to like? Or--how about if i was always too tired and dizzy to drive myself to the grocery store to do my grocery shopping so i can have milk and cereal and food to eat? Those are things that i am NOT willing to have to endure, on top of the prison i am already in!!!!!
This person who was my friend, said alot of things that are plain wrong----and cruel.
I am NOT afraid to seek medical attention, nor am i using my autism as a crutch...nor are my financial problems self-inflicted either!!!!!!! I cannot work.....so my government assistance is the only help i have. Should i have to live my life totally in a box just because i am on government entitlements? Just live without ANY outlets and pleasures at ALL????? For one, i dop NOT eat out because it's a luxury to me...i eat out because i am unable to handle cooking full-on for myself, other than to heat up microwave entrees that i can easily just pop in the microwave. I eat out so i can get the things i cannot cook at home----things like eggs, baked potatoes, vegetables, etc., that i cannot cook for myself. And furthermore....i DO NOT blow my money on frivolous things either!!!!! I pay all of my monthly bills on time...and i adhere to a set budget, every single month!!!!! Dear God in Heaven-----i should not even have to be spending my energy writing this note/blog defending myself like this tonight. I so wish that more people would take the time to UNDERSTAND autism...and how it IS--REALLY IS-----for us who are on the autism spectrum!!!!!!! Have patience with us!!!!! Let us talk, write, vent, and be who we are, and stoop judging us and trying to FIX and CURE us-----PLEASE!!!!!! Life would be SO much easier, if we could have this from the neurotypical world!!!!!!
As for my issues with seeking medical care, the solution that my ex-friend came up with, was for me to finally get hooked up with a clinic that is located way over in another local city, where this lady lives, because she knows all the doctors there, and to set up all of these doctor's appointments up for in the mornings, so that it would fit her schedule, since she also has two boys on the spectrum who she has to give her atention to in the afternoons. This was so she could better advocate for me. Well, that would have been fine......except that, 1), i have an older car, a '95 Toyota Tercel, that needs some repair work done on it. 2), Gas prices are now up to $3.49 a gallon here on the Central Coast of CA----and are expected to rise even higher, and, 3), this other local city where my ex-friend lives, is located 25 miles Southwest of here, on highways that are very hilly, somewhat winding, and much of it is isolated ranchland that i must drive through to get there. Since i have real trouble staying on a set sleep schedule anyway.....mornings are usually my roughest times for me to get going, and i cannot always make appointments that are set in the mornings, due to that. I tend to do alot better after noon, so afternoon appointments are alot easier for me to handle because of this.
Lately, it has once again become harder for me to get to sleep at a reasonable time....as i am once again getting to sleep later and later, and later, again. That is how my sleep schedule goes.....it is like a circle that is ever changing, ever evolving....never ending.
On Sunday night, i had asked my ex-friend to please cancel my appointment, because i was having too much trouble getting to sleep again, and felt i wouldn't be able to get going in time to make my Tuesday appointment. Even so, the clinic still called, the following morning, with an automated, not live, announcement, to let me know that i still had this appointment. I went to call my ex-friend, all freaked out that my appointment still hadn't yet been cancelled, and she misunderstood, accusing me of jumping down her throat, when i didn't mean it at all to be jumping down her throat....and we had a blowout over it. I told her that i would rather switch to a clinic hat is closer to me, and she could drive here to go with me to this doctor instead...and she said it wouldn't work, so i hung up, frustrated and angry. I called her later on that night, and we began arguing again, because everything i said seemed to all be wrong.
I went to bed that night, very late, because i was so upset about all the arguing...and, as a result, woke up the next morning, Tuesday, at 5:30 in the morning, with a stomache ache so horrible, i felt that i was going to actually die. I am sharing this again, not to slam this ex-friend, but to illustrate how, for those of use who are on the spectrum----how hard it is for us to just jump through other people's hoops---how hard it is for us to live up to the expectations other people try to set for us. I can only do what i can handle....i can only move at a certain pace...and this is because...i just can't do it any other way!!!!!! It isn't that i am trying to be difficult....it is that i just don't have the capabilites that other people do!!!!!!!!!
I would LOVE to be able to do better than this!!!!!!!. And this morning, i did call Medi-Caid to have my medical clinic switched to another clinic that is only 7 miles North of here, as opposed to the 25 miles of isolated highway i would have to drive to go to my ex- friend's clinic----because again, unlike this lady's cruel allegatuions, i am NOT trying to get out of seing a doctor!!!!!! I KNOW i need medical attention----and i am going to seek it!!!!!!!! I just now have to try to muster the courage to go visit some local churches and see if they can find a kind soul who would be willing to go with me to this new doctor...in the afternoon...so i won't have to go there all by myself.
I am trying, everyone!!!!! Please continue to keep me in your prayers, and please don't stop being my friends!!!! I pray for my ex-friend too. I pray that this whole world will become a nicer, kinder, gentler place again....because i so hate the fighting and meanness that is so prevalent in today's world. Please hug someone you care about today. Smile at a stranger as they pass you by. Smile at the autistic adult you meet. Give them a chance. Give us all a chance, and please don't get mad and give up on us when we mess up and do it wrong sometimes!!!!!!!
God bless!!!!! <3<3<3<3