Monday, July 27, 2009

In The Battlefield Again--Yup----It's Another Monday!!

I have been sleeping very fitfully lately. The mean monsters have ramped up their loud hot rods and motorcycles again today, and are once again parading them as loudly as they can back and forth past my house...several times a day...back and forth they go, to and fro with these demonic engines just roaring, and screaming just like awful loud jets, rockets, cannons, bombs, and amplified lions. It is Monday again..and my weekend was no better. I so wish i could move...!!!!

Anyway, please read my profile, my About Me, and my blogs from the bottom one up--because this will give you my backstory, in as full of detail as i can. I am in hell---and i need help soon, please!!!! Cuz i am so afraid i am going to keel over dead from a heart attack or a stroke--the tension and stress is that bad. Is there anyone out there who can get my story told? So i can finally have rest and relief? I still believe there is a God in Heaven who is going to grant me a miracle soon. I just wish i could be out of here TODAY!!!! And living where all i can hear are the birds--and the wind in the trees---i don't need to be way out in the boonies--just somewhere that is like five miles away from one of the local cities--where i can still get to all my shopping, doctors, and errands, plus the fun stuff that i like to enjoy. I still would very much love to live in East Arroyo Grande---cuz it's so close to the ocean, it is cooler there--and the people are way more laid back and friendlier than they are in Santa Maria, where i am currently "imprisoned", here on Torture-Chamber-Mean-Bully-Street.

About my weekend---on Saturday, one of the businesses East of here, where i have problems--was open, and the mean bullies were all there revving up their loud red Jeep, and the loud motorcycles--and they proceeded to once again parade these over-the-top loud vehicles right past my house all morning and afternoon long. My voice and throat became raw again from all the screams of terror i emitted all day that day. And then, yesterday, Sunday afternoon, i was over at my neighbor's enjoying a nice visit with him, and some other friends. When i came home from that visit, all happy, this cinnamom brown-colored SUV came roaring down the street going Westbound past my house. When this vehicle neared my residence, and they saw me outside, just minding my own business, as i was walking back to my place from next door, they actually proceeded to stop right out in front, where they began to yell at me, laugh at me, and taunt me cruelly. These were teenagers--but--even so, it affected me--and i got sick this morning as a result..and was unable to get the rest of my sleep. Right now, it is 4:27 PM in the afternoon--and--i currently am siting here, as i write this latest entry--and i have to have both of my TV stereo speakers cranked up loud--and my PC's speakers cranked super loud as well--so i won't have to hear the mean demon noise. I am keeping tabs on the minutes when i know the monsters will all go home for the day, and i can then come back out of my shell and live again. I'm sorry, but that's how this affects me. As intelligent as i am--i am still paralyzed by this kind of crap. I simply lack the filters that other people have, that allows them to IGNORE this s**t. It's killin; me, folks. And, even tho i am a believer--i am still not ready to die--not at the age of 49!!!! There are still so many things i want to do in life!!!!

Please, dear Lord in Heaven, let me have my miracle--so i can live again!!!! In Jesus' sweet name i pray. Amen.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Still In The Center Of This Long Black Tunnel

As i write this, another 4th of July full of beautiful fireworks, from both the nearby fairpark, and the annual Macy's New York spectacular that i watched on TV that night----has come and gone,----- and, things are even worse now. Oh, how i longed to be in NYC that night, sitting along the scenic Hudson River of Manhattan, experiencing those beautiful pyrotechnics, live and in person. But--back to cold harsh reality. Yesterday, i awoke to discover my next door neighbor looking all around the front of our shared carport. I went out, and he proceeded to show me where a large rock had just been thrown into the front of the driveway of our carport. This rock, plus all the smaller shards had ricocheted, and were scattered all over the concrete driveway, in front of our two cars. So now, my problems with the mean hot- rodding street bullies, has escalated into rock-throwing. In addition, i have gone back off of my food plan, and am once again, experiencing the excruciating foot pains in my left foot. This makes it very hard for me to do all the things i need to do, like my weekly grocery and neccessity shopping. The mean hot rod antics--have now escalated again, to the point where i am no longer able to function normally. I so wish i could just pack up and move today. I really hate having to continue to live here, in this lion's den. Even so--the ferocious bullies---are actually using their already loud, modified pickups, SUV's, sports cars, muscle cars, and motorcycles---as weapons of terror against me---because they can't---and won't---understand my plight--and they just seem to think i am a chronic complainer. In addition to the physical pain i endure---i am also suffering a great and terrible inner pain that is just as excruciating and real to me. These noises that these motorized demon machines make---are just like huge sharp arrows, swords----and whips---being stabbed and hit all over my body--and this pain pierces deep into every one of my internal organs.

People, my plight is serious---so serious i am now having spells where i feel as though i want to just pass out sometimes. I can barely think, write, or talk anymore, without my brain just wanting to shut down on me. This is a great and terrible daily stress that i am having to endure. And it has gotten to be too much for me. I may be high-functioning--but--i am still autistic, and i am still very much affected by environmental things. This is why i'm unable to work. I just got done begging my mother to please call my rich aunt again, to try again, to get her to help me. I have strived very hard to tell my story in this blog, with the specific and fervent hope that this would reach people like Oprah Winfrey, people who have a heart, and the means, to give me the hand-up i need, so that i can finally have a life. Please go ahead and go to my very first blog, and read these, in order, from the bottom up to this post. This will give you most of my backstory.

Last night, i also wrote another email to one of our local TV stations, with a link to this blog, to try to get help from them, because this station does alot of human-interest stories. I have also sent my blog link to all of my closest friends, as well. I even have signs posted in the front window of my little cottage which say: "I AM AUTISTIC---AND I AM IN SHEER AGONY DUE TO THE LOUD HOT ROD RACING NOISE!!!! PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME!! PLEASE SLOW DOWN!!!! PLEASE STOP TERRORIZING ME!!!! IN JESUS' NAME!!!!" Yet the meanness continues.

How loud do i have to cry for help?? I have already cried, screamed, and yelled,--- so loudly,----and so much--- that my voice is shot now. I can no longer even sing to my favorite songs. I am really hurting---and i need real help here!! PLEASE!!!! This CAN"T go on much longer!! My poor mother would have never moved to Idaho, if she knew i was going to end up like this today. I was doing good when she and my late father moved up there to be with all of my other family members that moved up there in the 'Nineties. In fact, actually have mostly very strained relationships with everyone in my family, except for my mom and two of my sisters who are very kind and understanding of me. I come from a large family, too!! I have three brothers, and one other sister, plus six neices, three nephews, one grand neice, and one grand nephew. Yet----i am so very, very lonely----because most of my family chooses to ignore me, and i also have very few friends---because folks, it takes special people to understand and befriend someone as complex as myself--and boy, this autism makes me one very complex person!! Still, i really hurt. I don't know why things can't be different for me.

So---as i close, another day has dawned. The sun is up early today; there is no marine layer to keep the morning gray today. I did sleep for four hours last night, but have been up since three A.M., working on this latest post. Today is now Thursday, and the street--is still quiet. I just SO need a miracle---and i so wish it would come soon--or this is just going to keep getting worse. I want to live!!!! Just not like this!!!!

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Oh God---make this noise stop--please!!

Today is the first Saturday of June....i am up at noon today...but i have nothing done yet..i know i need to shower, and wash my hair...but i don't know if that will get done today. I am here instead, at my computer, because i feel the need to write. New York's K-Rock is streaming while i write---right now, it's a song by Band Of Horses, a really cool ethereal alternative indie rock band who i happen to like alot. But the street outside--is mercilessly noisy again. Two of the nearby auto shops are open today..and they are going past here, back and forth, with their loud souped-up motor vehicles screaming and top volume, and top speed..past this tiny cottage. These men--and women he-men,--lol-- all know that i am autistic, that certain types of noise, that certain behaviors that are hostile and uncaring from people---sends me totally out there---yet these npeople do it all anyway---cuz either they just can't understand---or they just are mean and don't care---or it is both with them. I do have about five nice Christain neighbors right near me, really cool people, who totally have my back when they are here, and are able to see all the shenanigans that go on---and these nice friends have actually witnessed alot of the crap the mean monsters have done to terrorize me---this is a help and a comfort to me---yet this crap keeps on...and on...and where i am literally turned in to a screaming meemie most days...unable to enjoy my soaps and computer.

What do i do? My mother called my rich aunt just before my birthday, and told her, in graphic detail, how bad things have gotten for me---yet this aunt has still not called my mom back, to follow up on things. I am trapped mom owns this duplex where i reside---and there's simply no money for me to move to anyplace that would work out for me, with my condition being as fragile as it has become---physically--and mentally.

Back before i moved to the Mean Monster Street...i actually used to be able to hide my autism very well. I grew up always knowing that i was "differently wired"---but no therapist could ever pinpoint a definitive diagnosis, so i mostly just got labeled--often very unfairly, was misunderstood, and misjudged---then thrown away by most of society, as just a hopeless case.

So here i am today, on a bright ansd sunny, breezy beautiful Saturday in June....miserable, because i have to sit here and listen to, see, and smell all the loud fast hot rod traffic screaming thru here like totally demonic banshees on steroids. LOL!! Even tho the posted speed limit on my street is a very calm, quiet and sedate 25MPH!!

There's good news in all of this, tho!! I was feeling sooo terrible a couple weeks back, physically speaking, that i went back on my good food plan, and i am losing weight again---and---my left foot is alot better as well. But my needs remain; they are still great...i still very badly need a way out of this pit, because it is still so unbearable.

I am hoping and praying fervently, that someone will read this blog today, who is in a position to finally help me up out of this awful nightmare!!!! Peace and love***me****

Friday, May 15, 2009

My Dreams And Goals

I just want out of this nightmare. The County won't do it for me---the County does not CARE!! All they want to do is medicate me so that i am a zombie---even though i happen to be allergic to most mediation. So, today I sit here, with my music on my PC blaring loudly so that i can drown out the ugly mean people's hot rod noises---and----i just lonnnnng to have the money to be able to hire a professional body trainer and a nutritionist, so that i can work on getting all of this miserable heavy weight off of me,---- so that i can feel like a human being again. I long to be able to live where it is QUIET again!!!! A nice residential-only cul-de-sac, maybe? Or a place that's in a semi-rural location, but is still close enough to town, so that i'm able to still easily do my shopping and errands. ANYWHERE that is away from this un-Godly mean cesspool that i am now trapped in!!!! Arroyo Grande would be a DREAM for me to live, because the people are NICER there---and it is closer to the ocean than Santa Maria is!!

When i was a teenager, all i wanted was to get into radio broadcasting--i used to have such high hopes of becoming a big jock at the then powerhouse AM radio station, TEN-Q, that i used to get from LA in the late 'Seventies. Then, when i got into New Wave, hard rock and heavy metal, i began to long for a career in FM rock radio. In addition, i always used to want to try my hand at acting, and modeling. Because, until my junior year of high school---i used to be thin and pretty. I began to gain weight slowly, in my latter two years of high school, due to all the stress i endured in life as a high-functioning autisic teenager who was totally unaware that i was autisic.

In addition to this, from the time i was ten-years-old, i have also had an intense longing to see New York City, New England, Wisconsin, Michigan, the Atlantic Ocean, and the sun coming up over it. Well, i have gotten to travel alittle bit in my time on this earth. In 1982, my nice sister took me for a really fun weekend trip, by car, to Las Vegas. When we hit the Mojave Desert, i remember being totally jazzed that we could actually listen to LA's KLOS FM on her nice car stereo. In those days, i was just getting into bands like Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Greg Kihn, Ozzy Osbourne, Missing Persons, A Flock Of Seagulls---and U2!!!! I loved Tom Petty, too---and KLOS played all of those artists!! Oh man, I felt such a spirit of real HOPE for my future in those days!! I was even pen-palling with cool people who also shared my tastes i music. I just yearned for the day that i would finally be able to get my own little apartment....i was so sure that i was gonna win big in Vegas, and then i was gonna be able to finally learn how to drive; i even had my car all picked out!! I was gonna get me a nice yellow Ford Mustang--because, guess what? Until i moved to this Mean Neighbor street---i did actually used to like hot rods---alot!! Until i moved here, and started having the mean demons who lived/live and work here, use them as weapons to terrorize the living daylights out of me!! All because they wouldn't take the time to understand my disabilities, and why i was complaining about their meanness and noise!!

Well, i never won in Vegas. My sister and i went back a second time, on Labor Day Weekend of that same year. I still won nothing. I began playing, of all things, the Canadian Lottery, after that. Then, i lost my SSI from November of 1982, until March 1983, when our then, Congressperson, Bob Lagomarsino, helped to get it back for me. That was a big trauma for me also...but i can talk about that another time.

I then took a trip to Bloomington, Indiana in the summer of 1983. I flew back there all by myself, and stayed with a family who used to be my friends when they lived here on the Central Coast. They moved to Indiana in the summer of 1980---and i began to save up the money to go see them. Well, that trip was a disaster. These people basically forgot all about my disabilities---and a big blowup ensued between us---as a result, i ended up having to come back home after just nine days there. To this day, i have not been able to resolve my issues with how i was treated on my trip there--and we are, sadly, no longer friends.

Then, in 1989, after my mother won $6,000 dollars in the CA lottery---i got to take a trip to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, to stay with a great-aunt who lived there. This trip happened after i had already moved to town. I again flew all by myself---both there and back. I was supposed to stay with my great-aunt for a whole month---but again, bad personaliy conflicts arose between us--i was still totally unaware it was because i was autisic---and i had to cut that trip way short, as well. Other than that, I have also been to Idaho two times, to see my family, including my mom, when they all moved back there. The first time was in 1996, when my mom and dad moved there---then, in 1999, when i had a newer car, and could make the trip.

Also, up until my health issues made it hard---i used to just LOVE to take daily trips up the coast to escape my mean street, often going all the way up to San Simeon, then back over HWY 46 through Paso Robles, then, back down to my town of Santa Maria. But two years ago, these trips stopped, because of the lymphodema in my legs and feet. I can still drive around town, and short drives...but nothing longer than an hour driving steady anymore, because my right driving leg seizes up on me with awful, painful Charlie-horses. So much i can't do now!!

Throughout all of this history, i never really gained alot of weight. When i graduated from HS in '78, i weighed 155 pounds. Then, all through the 'Eighties---i was always able to maintain my weight between 175, then 195, then between 200 and 250 pounds, in the 'Nineties. But---various nightmars have since happened in my life---- that has caused my health to totally derail. Beginning in 2004, is when i began not being able to sleep in my bed any longer---since then, i have had to sleep sitting up and back on my living room couch, with my feet on the floor, due to my weight---and that, folks, is why i now have these "nice beautiful biiiiig" swollen legs and duck feet---and now, walk as if i am eighty years old. I so wish my mother could come down to help me......but her car is now over 20 years old...and she is on a fixed income. So---here i sit blogging about it.

Wellllllllllll----!!!!!! So much for my hope and my future!! At least till Saturday night, when i have another chance to maybe win the lottery!!

I just turned 49 today-----

----and i feel like i am eighty. I'm sorry i haven't blogged in so long, but my health has gone way downhill in the past few months. I now weigh 338 pounds; my legs---and feet--- are swollen tight; my left foot now has such excruciating pains on it from the arch to the back of its heel, that i can barely walk now. It has become quite difficult and painful for me to even get up off of my couch, where i sit and even do all of my sleeping--- to go to the bathroom. Most of my family now live in Idaho....and i have nobody to come alongside of me and help me get the help i still so desperately need. I have nice neighbors who are my very good friends, but i would hate to impose on them with all of my personal care needs that i have.

Over the past 21 years, I have written over 40 letters now, to a rich and famous aunt and uncle, about my plight. This particular uncle is a very famous football personality; his wife my late father's younger sister. That is how we are related. Even so, all of my cries to them for a way out of my pit of agony, have all gone unanswered.....ignored. My aunt and mother have had numerous conversations about my plight over the years--yet my aunt always ends up stating that there is nothing that they can do for me, and that i should just count my blessings that i get all the government aid that i get---her attitude seems to be that i should just settle for a lifetime of dependency on these programs,--- and i should NEVER have dreams for my future. I have even written letters to them asking if they'd help me get my artwork, stories, and poetry, published and sold. I have even asked them if i could be in some of my uncle's TV commercials!! My aunt's answer? Always a loud, stern " NO!!"

Please know this, readers--i'm not someone who wants to sponge off people---life is a very real and excruciatingly painful challenge for me on all levels---because of my mental disabilities, my autism, and the physical problems i now have on top of all that. It has been this way my whole life---i have never been able to secure the kind of help that would enable me to have an equal chance at a self-sufficient life; i have never beien able to have the freedom and luxury to be able to shoot for, and fulfill any of the lifelong dreams that i still have, to this day. It all costs money that i just don't have. And---it really hurts. Even though i consider myself a Christian by has become increasingly harder for me to want to keep on living under these conditions. I live in constant fear that my gov't benifits will be reduced, cut, or taken totally away from me,---- and i also have a great and terrible fear that my mother, even though she's still healthy, will suddenly pass away, and then, i will REALLY be destitute!! On top of all this, i live on a VERY noisy street, where there i have a bunch of mean cruel neighbors, who all work in three of the nearby businesses. These people are all well-aware of my plight, they all know that i can't stand certain types of loud noises---- (i specifically can't stand the noise of the loud hot rodding, or all of the yelling and cat-calls they like to do)--even so--- these mean neighbors will deliberately go out of their way to all make as much noise as they can with their thunderously loud, modified cars, pickups, motorcycles, and SUV's that they own and drive---all just so that they can hear me have hysterical screaming fits----out of a the genuine, raw fear that i have of these kinds of noises.

Please don't worry; i will never, ever, take my own life, because of my faith. But i have lost the will to live, as i see no hope at all for my future any longer. Even so------i will just continue to get up each day, like i always do,---ugly hot rod noise and all--- and i will continue to try hard to get through each of my days on this cruel mean Earth--until God finally either gives me the open doors---or He takes me outta here. I wish i could explain in better terms, how life is for me---but i am limited, even in the words i have available, to express what this is like. Simply put---my mind is wired differently than the mind of a normal person's is----and i am unable to cope with the world like a normal person can. I just short-circuit alot. And---i don't know how to get this blog promoted, so that more people can be able to read it. But i am blogging because i am crying to be heard---i am crying to finally be able to reach the right kind of people who know everything there is to know about Asperger's Syndrome----the kind of people who can finally get me plugged into the right programs that will finally help me get up and out of this pit of hell.

Last Tuesday, i was in such excruciating pain with my feet and legs,---plus, the street noises on top of it all, that i couldn't stop sobbing. My mother ended up placing a call to my rich aunt. She told my aunt point-blank, this time, how bad things have gotten, that i can't even get a decent doctor who will really care, because i'm on Medi-Care and Medi-Caid---and my aunt's response, as you can probably guess, was the same....."There's really nothing i can do for Melissa....." She ended the convo by telling my mom "Well, I suppose i can contact some of my friends at the University Of San Francisco....and see what they have to say....and i will call you back."'s been over a week now, and my aunt hasn't called my mother back. So---i will just continue to hope and pray that i can at least win a lottery----because if i were to win big enough, then, i'd finally be able to afford to secure all of the BEST help possible!!!!

Dear Father God---i did not ask for this!!!! Please get the right people to read this blog!!!!

Sunday, March 8, 2009

My Life In A Nutshell-----

----is both a blessing and curse for me. For all of my adult life, i have been a nightowl. Hey, i've never been able to work, so why not? I simply tend to do my best at is the nighttimes, when i feel less threatened by hostile outside distractions.....and, i can get my reading, writing, and other projects, done. When i do finally get tired around 3:00AM or 4:00AM in the morning....i have to sleep with all the lights on....because this happy autistic puppy is still very, very afraid of sleeping in a dark house. When it is stormy, i keep a flashlight right beside me, and sleep very fitfully, with heart palpitations galore----fearing that the electricity will suddenly go out. Booooo!!

In the daytimes, i usually arise between ten-thirty A.M.--on good days, and at 12 noon, or 1:00 P.M. on my bad days. The first thing that gets turned on is my TV, to the Food Ch., then the ABC soap operas, which i have been addicted to since 5th grade. Next, comes the computer, where there are usually nice emails from my sisters, and a few of my closest friends. On my good days, i am able to get a shower in before the soaps come on---on my bad days, i just go grunge,'n "fuggeddaboudit". For my lunch, i'll heat microwaveable entrees like spaghetti, tuna noodle casserole, or meatball & mozarella Hot Pockets....along with a glass of milk, and two cheese sticks, and a vitamin C pill. No muss no fuss.

After my soaps are over, i go on the internet, and surf. My favorite sites are YouTube, MySpace, and Google, cuz i love watching all the different videos. If i have appointments, i go to them----that is, if i'm not having a bad day. And, no matter what, I always eat my second meal out somewhere--usually at one of about five specific places, where the employees all know me, and treat me kindly. It is because i don't cook. I can't handle anything that's too difficult...or complex...and i have weird food-handling phobias, too. I'm afraid to touch raw poultry and meat now that it's become all germ and bacteria-infested. In addition to my autism, i also am chronically obsessive-compulsive--OCD to da MAXX!!!! And, because i tend to really wig out when people are mean and rude to me, i am relegated to shopping only at places like Target, Walgreens, and Albertsons,---because i know the people who work at those places will always treat me friendly and nice, as well. Then, i come home, and surf the net some more, and i watch more TV. I also call my mom several times a day. She, and two of my sisters,---the ones who email me---- are some of my few true friends in life. Outside of them, i have a few other very good devoted friends who i can safely trust with my life.

Oh...and i cannot end this blog without mentioning my total love for alternative rock, and Christian rock music-----i have always really been into this music. Despite my autism, the noise of rock 'n roll has never bothered me at the 'Seventies and 'Eighties, i was even into heavy metal---i loved everything from Led Zep to Def Lep---and Metallica, and Pantera too!!!!! Now, my favorites include artists like Arcade Fire, Snow Patrol, MGMT, Killers, Coldplay,----and, on and on i could go forever---because this Aspie chick loves her lists!!!!!! And, she loves alot of bands and artists!!!!

So-----this is my life---in as much of a nutshell as i could put it into. There's till lots----and lots---more to my story. I deleted all the other blogs i had on here, because they were long and rambling....i wouldn't even want to read they went. So---till next time, i leave you with this thought---never turn away from those who are different and not like you---that person may just turn out to be an angel from Heaven, sent by God, to test your hearts. Go and be kind to someone today!! Peace and Love, Me