----and i feel like i am eighty. I'm sorry i haven't blogged in so long, but my health has gone way downhill in the past few months. I now weigh 338 pounds; my legs---and feet--- are swollen tight; my left foot now has such excruciating pains on it from the arch to the back of its heel, that i can barely walk now. It has become quite difficult and painful for me to even get up off of my couch, where i sit and even do all of my sleeping--- to go to the bathroom. Most of my family now live in Idaho....and i have nobody to come alongside of me and help me get the help i still so desperately need. I have nice neighbors who are my very good friends, but i would hate to impose on them with all of my personal care needs that i have.
Over the past 21 years, I have written over 40 letters now, to a rich and famous aunt and uncle, about my plight. This particular uncle is a very famous football personality; his wife my late father's younger sister. That is how we are related. Even so, all of my cries to them for a way out of my pit of agony, have all gone unanswered.....ignored. My aunt and mother have had numerous conversations about my plight over the years--yet my aunt always ends up stating that there is nothing that they can do for me, and that i should just count my blessings that i get all the government aid that i get---her attitude seems to be that i should just settle for a lifetime of dependency on these programs,--- and i should NEVER have dreams for my future. I have even written letters to them asking if they'd help me get my artwork, stories, and poetry, published and sold. I have even asked them if i could be in some of my uncle's TV commercials!! My aunt's answer? Always a loud, stern " NO!!"
Please know this, readers--i'm not someone who wants to sponge off people---life is a very real and excruciatingly painful challenge for me on all levels---because of my mental disabilities, my autism, and the physical problems i now have on top of all that. It has been this way my whole life---i have never been able to secure the kind of help that would enable me to have an equal chance at a self-sufficient life; i have never beien able to have the freedom and luxury to be able to shoot for, and fulfill any of the lifelong dreams that i still have, to this day. It all costs money that i just don't have. And---it really hurts. Even though i consider myself a Christian by faith....it has become increasingly harder for me to want to keep on living under these conditions. I live in constant fear that my gov't benifits will be reduced, cut, or taken totally away from me,---- and i also have a great and terrible fear that my mother, even though she's still healthy, will suddenly pass away, and then, i will REALLY be destitute!! On top of all this, i live on a VERY noisy street, where there i have a bunch of mean cruel neighbors, who all work in three of the nearby businesses. These people are all well-aware of my plight, they all know that i can't stand certain types of loud noises---- (i specifically can't stand the noise of the loud hot rodding, or all of the yelling and cat-calls they like to do)--even so--- these mean neighbors will deliberately go out of their way to all make as much noise as they can with their thunderously loud, modified cars, pickups, motorcycles, and SUV's that they own and drive---all just so that they can hear me have hysterical screaming fits----out of a the genuine, raw fear that i have of these kinds of noises.
Please don't worry; i will never, ever, take my own life, because of my faith. But i have lost the will to live, as i see no hope at all for my future any longer. Even so------i will just continue to get up each day, like i always do,---ugly hot rod noise and all--- and i will continue to try hard to get through each of my days on this cruel mean Earth--until God finally either gives me the open doors---or He takes me outta here. I wish i could explain in better terms, how life is for me---but i am limited, even in the words i have available, to express what this is like. Simply put---my mind is wired differently than the mind of a normal person's is----and i am unable to cope with the world like a normal person can. I just short-circuit alot. And---i don't know how to get this blog promoted, so that more people can be able to read it. But i am blogging because i am crying to be heard---i am crying to finally be able to reach the right kind of people who know everything there is to know about Asperger's Syndrome----the kind of people who can finally get me plugged into the right programs that will finally help me get up and out of this pit of hell.
Last Tuesday, i was in such excruciating pain with my feet and legs,---plus, the street noises on top of it all, that i couldn't stop sobbing. My mother ended up placing a call to my rich aunt. She told my aunt point-blank, this time, how bad things have gotten, that i can't even get a decent doctor who will really care, because i'm on Medi-Care and Medi-Caid---and my aunt's response, as you can probably guess, was the same....."There's really nothing i can do for Melissa....." She ended the convo by telling my mom "Well, I suppose i can contact some of my friends at the University Of San Francisco....and see what they have to say....and i will call you back." Well....it's been over a week now, and my aunt hasn't called my mother back. So---i will just continue to hope and pray that i can at least win a lottery----because if i were to win big enough, then, i'd finally be able to afford to secure all of the BEST help possible!!!!
Dear Father God---i did not ask for this!!!! Please get the right people to read this blog!!!!