Sunday, July 11, 2010

Cloudy, Cool, Muggy Sunday

Before i begin today's blog entry, i want to first put this disclaimer out there..i am not doing this as a negative rant..and i apologize that these blogs are always like this, so negative....but this is how life is for an autistic adult who cannot get help and support....even from her own family.

Today is is cool, but muggy..and cloudy, too, with a slight chance of thunderstorms here in Cali. My street quiet, thank God. I am usually asleeep right now, but i can't at this time, so, i have decided to write.

How am i doing today? I am tired....i am mentally and physically very tired....the heel of my left foot is hurting badly again,....and both of my legs feel like huge tree trunks. I am once again sleeping days and getting up at about two, three or four in the afternoon, and staying up all night, because the nights are so, so quiet. My days....continue to be sheer hell, because of the relentless loud meanness from the mean bully monsters at the auto repair shop across the street, as they continue to level their intolerance and hate my way. I am sure that i have gained 5 more pounds in the past week..because i feel heavier than i did before. My couch that i sit and sleep on, is all broken down to where i now have sores on the backs of my see, i have to sleep sitting up and back on my couch, because i can no longer sleeep laying down on my bed in my bedroom. I actually sometimes now have dreams that i am sleeping in my bed again, all cozy and warm and comfortable....and it is such a good feeling....even if it's just a dream....

I still do not hear from my aunt who said back in May that she would help me make a move...i am now told that she won't help me at all, because she feels that i am "too needy". She even told this person that she was talking to about my situation, that she can see why my brothers, my two sisters in laws, two sisters and my neices, all have nothing to do with me....because of the fact that, as a special needs autistic adult, i do have alot of needs.

I am still unable to find a good medical doctor that will help me to get my legs and feet back...that will even help me so that i can at least have a handicapped sticker so i can park where i can easily get right in and out of the stores i go to, to do my grocery and neccessity shopping. Or someone to come in and give me respite care so i can function better.

It has gotten even harder for me to move around my house. I feel like i am eighty years old, even though i am still kind of youngish in age. I am actually afraid that i will fall and break a hip when i take a shower, or that i will fall on the front steps that lead to my house. My knees always hurt, my back and hips hurt too. I feel weighed way down..and the only reason that i keep going on and on and on, is because, after all of this, i still have my faith in God...and i still have the hope that someday, SOMEDAY, i will have my miracle!!!!! I pray everyday that God will soften the hard cold hearts of my aunt and uncle...and those of my other family members who also won't have anything to do with me because of my autism.

Yes....this is what it is like for an autistic adult who cannot get help or support even from her family.

I pray that my story will get published soon....i pray that this blog will be read by someone who will have the means to help me...because it is a horrible, awful feeling to feel like life has passed you by at the young age of fifty.