Thursday, June 3, 2010

Wake my Family Up, Lord...

Wake my family up, Lord, before it is too late
and the gates close tight upon them!!
Tear down the walls that divide us...and make it so hard
for me to even TALK to them in a normal phone conversation!!
It makes me wonder, Lord, why You chose to put me in a family
with such narrow, and intolerant spirits!!
This afternoon, all i did was call my sister, MJ,..only to find out
if my mom was still there at her house..and MJ yelled at me, for
no reason at all..shouting me down so loudly and so harshly
that i was suddenly put back in that awful, degrading mold of
that little dirty child---yes, yesterday's waste...that child
who was always so wrong, always in the way, all the time,...
that child who never had a right to even say hello to them
..who never had a right to have her own opinions..or to make
her own mind up on matters of politics or music, or TV shows...
my way of thinking was always so wrong, or too weird and "out there"
for it was always such a crime---and---i so dread the
times that i have to call MJ---
because she never says "Hello, Melissa, how are you today?
It's so good to hear from you!" Instead, she answers the phone always,
with a very harsh, loud, hot and bothered "YEAH!!!!!", when she sees it
is me on the other end of the line--and then, she proceeds to talk AT me,
in a voice that continues to be so loud, so rude, and actually irritated--
that i am even DARING to call her--like i just commited this awful crime
by calling her!!!
I am not allowed to have MJ's e-mail address, and she will also not allow
me to friend her on Facebook!! When i went to friend my sister-in-law, J,
my brother, E's wife, on Facebook---she, too, declined my request--
--instantly!! This same thing happened when i tried to friend another neice and another sister-in-law on Facebook.
My little brother, MC, even told my mom five years ago, that the family BBQ's would all have to stop if i were to move up to Idaho---
because i would cause too many upsets!!! My aunt also seems to think that it is perfectly okay for me to remain right where i am, with no services, no healthcare, no dental care, no respite care or autism supports--no way to pursue my lifelong dreams and goals!!!
I do have a brother who lives here--and am invited to his and his family's home for Christmas Eve dinner and they are always very generous with me on that one night each year. But there are walls between he and i too, where i cannot talk to him
either...and...this hurts, because i am so open--and am so used to being open with people!!! I also have two other sisters who have also mostly always been kind to me--but--there are walls between me and them too.
I have always felt very much like i have had to be something i am not in my family
in order to survive being there!! Why, Lord??? WHY?????
Dear Lord----what did i do to deserve this????!!!!
All i can come up with for an answer --is that i am different---i am what is called
"differently-abled" than they all are!!!!
I am not a redneck or a cowboy like they are!!
I am not into horses or big huge 4X4 pickups
or country and western music and John Wayne or
Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns or hunting or guns--
--and--i also happen to be autistic too!!!!!
THOSE, dear Lord, are the ONLY "CRIMES" that i have committed in this family..... this day, i pay dearly for being this way!!!
How, then, do i go on, can i go on, knowing that i will
evidently always be viewed as a curse to my family----as
just yesterday's waste? It is ONLY BECAUSE You, Lord, have chosen to put
some groups and some areas of people in my life who ARE sweet angels who accept me
for the unique person i am....people who show me that i DO matter
that is why i am still here....still alive and willing to put up with all the garbage
that comes along with the little oasises of good that i have in my life!!
It is because of the beutiful sunrises and sunsets that i
sometimes get to see..and the beautiful Christian rock
that i can hear streaming on my computer every night...
and Your LOVE, Lord, Your LOVE so UN-conditional---
plus the fact that my life here on this Earth
has been such agony and hell already--
that i am too much of a chicken to even consider suicide as a way out
because i am too afraid that if i did try to take my own life--that You would
be so angry and hurt that i would be sent to the real hell--where i will have a whole ETERNITY of this same hell and agony--except minus all the good that i do have now!!!
Still, dear Lord, it is so hard...and as i fight back huge, hot tears of fresh hurt, fresh rejection,....i pray this fervent prayer to Your throne of grace tonight
that You will convict all of the hardened hearts of my family as to what they are doing to me by continuing to treat me like this!!
I am NOT a monster!!
I am NOT mean!!
I am NOT selfish
or lazy
or spoiled
or crazy
or mad!!!!
I was BORN this way...and i will DIE this way....
unless YOU supernaturally heal me, Lord!!!!!
My not realize the heart of gold that i have,
or the sense of humor or intelligence and unique ways i have---
because, to this very day, they keep the walls up...
they keep me shut out..and shut down...
they STILL will not allow me to be myself around them!!
I am expected to jump through certain hoops when around them
..and if i can't do it..i am cast off to the side like a
wallflower at a high school dance!!
Please, dear Lord, i pray, in Jesus' Holy and Wonderful Name
Please soften the hearts of my family--please tear down the walls that bind them
please deliver them from the spirit of fear and intolerance and heal their hearts so that there will be patience and acceptance towards me instead of the harshness and coldness...please, Lord, do this before it is too late!!!!!
This i pray, in Jesus' name,.....