I am going to say it again
I wish to the highest God
that I had been born
into a family where I was celebrated
Instead of a family who has always thought of me
as their “embarrassment”.
I am still here
Today
at age 62
only because
of this set in my head fear
that I could go straight to this
awful eternal place of burning fire
called hell when I die
if I were to take my own life
Even so, I find myself thinking about dying
every single day.
Because
I have a family
who thinks I embarrass them
Because my family thinks of me
as a shame
and a walking talking Problem
Most of them all moved out of state
during the 90’s and early 2000’s
Now I have none of them
even my mother thinks of me
as a Problem, a monster
and an embarrassment
because I am loud
goofy silly about shiny hair
and I make goofy noises
All I have ever longed for is to be loved
for who I am
that is all
I am autistic
I was born autistic
why oh why
can’t you all get that once and for all????
Today
is a day where, in America
where
we celebrate a day called Thanksgiving
but I recently learned
our Thanksgiving is
actually a white-washed account
of
what was truly a horrific evil
genocide
of
the Indigenous People who lived here first
who lived here peacefully until
white European Christians
decided to
invade and convert them
via violence
against their will
to
narrow-minded
bigoted
white Christianity
because well,
white Christianity
does not respect
other people’s
belief
and
faith
systems
So I no longer celebrate this day
however I am still hyper-aware that families
all across America use this day to
still get together
under one roof and
give thanks for their blessings
and they enjoy
loud rowdy football games on TV
and enjoy lots of good food
and what should be warm close fellowship
with one another
so I still feel the ache of loneliness today
on a day
when we should all be actually mourning
so many millions of Indigenous human lives lost
because of bigoted hateful Europeans who
just couldn’t and wouldn’t
stay in their lane
and let Turtle Island and its People alone
to live in peace
and harmony with nature.
Today
I sit here alone and sad
for them
but also for me
because I feel as though
I have nobody
in my family who truly accepts me
for who I am.
And that, my friends,
is the worst feeling of all.
