Today

 I am going to say it again

I wish to the highest God

that I had been born

into a family where I was celebrated

Instead of a family who has always thought of me

as their “embarrassment”.

I am still here

Today

at age 62

only because

of this set in my head fear

that I could go straight to this

awful eternal place of burning fire

called hell when I die

if I were to take my own life

Even so, I find myself thinking about dying

every single day.

Because

I have a family

who thinks I embarrass them

Because my family thinks of me

as a shame

and a walking talking Problem

Most of them all moved out of state

during the 90’s and early 2000’s

Now I have none of them

even my mother thinks of me

as a Problem, a monster

and an embarrassment

because I am loud

goofy silly about shiny hair

and I make goofy noises

All I have ever longed for is to be loved

for who I am

that is all

I am autistic

I was born autistic

why oh why

can’t you all get that once and for all????

Today

is a day where, in America

where

we celebrate a day called Thanksgiving

but I recently learned

our Thanksgiving is

actually a white-washed account

of

what was truly a horrific evil

genocide

of

the Indigenous People who lived here first

who lived here peacefully until

white European Christians

decided to

invade and convert them

via violence

against their will

to

narrow-minded

bigoted

white Christianity

because well,

white Christianity

does not respect

other people’s

belief

and

faith

systems

So I no longer celebrate this day

however I am still hyper-aware that families

all across America use this day to

still get together

under one roof and

give thanks for their blessings

and they enjoy

loud rowdy football games on TV

and enjoy lots of good food

and what should be warm close fellowship

with one another

so I still feel the ache of loneliness today

on a day

when we should all be actually mourning

so many millions of Indigenous human lives lost

because of bigoted hateful Europeans who

just couldn’t and wouldn’t

stay in their lane

and let Turtle Island and its People alone

to live in peace

and harmony with nature.

Today

I sit here alone and sad

for them

but also for me

because I feel as though

I have nobody

in my family who truly accepts me

for who I am.

And that, my friends,

is the worst feeling of all.