Friday, May 15, 2009

My Dreams And Goals

I just want out of this nightmare. The County won't do it for me---the County does not CARE!! All they want to do is medicate me so that i am a zombie---even though i happen to be allergic to most mediation. So, today I sit here, with my music on my PC blaring loudly so that i can drown out the ugly mean people's hot rod noises---and----i just lonnnnng to have the money to be able to hire a professional body trainer and a nutritionist, so that i can work on getting all of this miserable heavy weight off of me,---- so that i can feel like a human being again. I long to be able to live where it is QUIET again!!!! A nice residential-only cul-de-sac, maybe? Or a place that's in a semi-rural location, but is still close enough to town, so that i'm able to still easily do my shopping and errands. ANYWHERE that is away from this un-Godly mean cesspool that i am now trapped in!!!! Arroyo Grande would be a DREAM for me to live, because the people are NICER there---and it is closer to the ocean than Santa Maria is!!

When i was a teenager, all i wanted was to get into radio broadcasting--i used to have such high hopes of becoming a big jock at the then powerhouse AM radio station, TEN-Q, that i used to get from LA in the late 'Seventies. Then, when i got into New Wave, hard rock and heavy metal, i began to long for a career in FM rock radio. In addition, i always used to want to try my hand at acting, and modeling. Because, until my junior year of high school---i used to be thin and pretty. I began to gain weight slowly, in my latter two years of high school, due to all the stress i endured in life as a high-functioning autisic teenager who was totally unaware that i was autisic.

In addition to this, from the time i was ten-years-old, i have also had an intense longing to see New York City, New England, Wisconsin, Michigan, the Atlantic Ocean, and the sun coming up over it. Well, i have gotten to travel alittle bit in my time on this earth. In 1982, my nice sister took me for a really fun weekend trip, by car, to Las Vegas. When we hit the Mojave Desert, i remember being totally jazzed that we could actually listen to LA's KLOS FM on her nice car stereo. In those days, i was just getting into bands like Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Greg Kihn, Ozzy Osbourne, Missing Persons, A Flock Of Seagulls---and U2!!!! I loved Tom Petty, too---and KLOS played all of those artists!! Oh man, I felt such a spirit of real HOPE for my future in those days!! I was even pen-palling with cool people who also shared my tastes i music. I just yearned for the day that i would finally be able to get my own little apartment....i was so sure that i was gonna win big in Vegas, and then i was gonna be able to finally learn how to drive; i even had my car all picked out!! I was gonna get me a nice yellow Ford Mustang--because, guess what? Until i moved to this Mean Neighbor street---i did actually used to like hot rods---alot!! Until i moved here, and started having the mean demons who lived/live and work here, use them as weapons to terrorize the living daylights out of me!! All because they wouldn't take the time to understand my disabilities, and why i was complaining about their meanness and noise!!

Well, i never won in Vegas. My sister and i went back a second time, on Labor Day Weekend of that same year. I still won nothing. I began playing, of all things, the Canadian Lottery, after that. Then, i lost my SSI from November of 1982, until March 1983, when our then, Congressperson, Bob Lagomarsino, helped to get it back for me. That was a big trauma for me also...but i can talk about that another time.

I then took a trip to Bloomington, Indiana in the summer of 1983. I flew back there all by myself, and stayed with a family who used to be my friends when they lived here on the Central Coast. They moved to Indiana in the summer of 1980---and i began to save up the money to go see them. Well, that trip was a disaster. These people basically forgot all about my disabilities---and a big blowup ensued between us---as a result, i ended up having to come back home after just nine days there. To this day, i have not been able to resolve my issues with how i was treated on my trip there--and we are, sadly, no longer friends.

Then, in 1989, after my mother won $6,000 dollars in the CA lottery---i got to take a trip to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, to stay with a great-aunt who lived there. This trip happened after i had already moved to town. I again flew all by myself---both there and back. I was supposed to stay with my great-aunt for a whole month---but again, bad personaliy conflicts arose between us--i was still totally unaware it was because i was autisic---and i had to cut that trip way short, as well. Other than that, I have also been to Idaho two times, to see my family, including my mom, when they all moved back there. The first time was in 1996, when my mom and dad moved there---then, in 1999, when i had a newer car, and could make the trip.

Also, up until my health issues made it hard---i used to just LOVE to take daily trips up the coast to escape my mean street, often going all the way up to San Simeon, then back over HWY 46 through Paso Robles, then, back down to my town of Santa Maria. But two years ago, these trips stopped, because of the lymphodema in my legs and feet. I can still drive around town, and short drives...but nothing longer than an hour driving steady anymore, because my right driving leg seizes up on me with awful, painful Charlie-horses. So much i can't do now!!

Throughout all of this history, i never really gained alot of weight. When i graduated from HS in '78, i weighed 155 pounds. Then, all through the 'Eighties---i was always able to maintain my weight between 175, then 195, then between 200 and 250 pounds, in the 'Nineties. But---various nightmars have since happened in my life---- that has caused my health to totally derail. Beginning in 2004, is when i began not being able to sleep in my bed any longer---since then, i have had to sleep sitting up and back on my living room couch, with my feet on the floor, due to my weight---and that, folks, is why i now have these "nice beautiful biiiiig" swollen legs and duck feet---and now, walk as if i am eighty years old. I so wish my mother could come down to help me......but her car is now over 20 years old...and she is on a fixed income. So---here i sit blogging about it.

Wellllllllllll----!!!!!! So much for my hope and my future!! At least till Saturday night, when i have another chance to maybe win the lottery!!

I just turned 49 today-----

----and i feel like i am eighty. I'm sorry i haven't blogged in so long, but my health has gone way downhill in the past few months. I now weigh 338 pounds; my legs---and feet--- are swollen tight; my left foot now has such excruciating pains on it from the arch to the back of its heel, that i can barely walk now. It has become quite difficult and painful for me to even get up off of my couch, where i sit and even do all of my sleeping--- to go to the bathroom. Most of my family now live in Idaho....and i have nobody to come alongside of me and help me get the help i still so desperately need. I have nice neighbors who are my very good friends, but i would hate to impose on them with all of my personal care needs that i have.

Over the past 21 years, I have written over 40 letters now, to a rich and famous aunt and uncle, about my plight. This particular uncle is a very famous football personality; his wife my late father's younger sister. That is how we are related. Even so, all of my cries to them for a way out of my pit of agony, have all gone unanswered.....ignored. My aunt and mother have had numerous conversations about my plight over the years--yet my aunt always ends up stating that there is nothing that they can do for me, and that i should just count my blessings that i get all the government aid that i get---her attitude seems to be that i should just settle for a lifetime of dependency on these programs,--- and i should NEVER have dreams for my future. I have even written letters to them asking if they'd help me get my artwork, stories, and poetry, published and sold. I have even asked them if i could be in some of my uncle's TV commercials!! My aunt's answer? Always a loud, stern " NO!!"

Please know this, readers--i'm not someone who wants to sponge off people---life is a very real and excruciatingly painful challenge for me on all levels---because of my mental disabilities, my autism, and the physical problems i now have on top of all that. It has been this way my whole life---i have never been able to secure the kind of help that would enable me to have an equal chance at a self-sufficient life; i have never beien able to have the freedom and luxury to be able to shoot for, and fulfill any of the lifelong dreams that i still have, to this day. It all costs money that i just don't have. And---it really hurts. Even though i consider myself a Christian by has become increasingly harder for me to want to keep on living under these conditions. I live in constant fear that my gov't benifits will be reduced, cut, or taken totally away from me,---- and i also have a great and terrible fear that my mother, even though she's still healthy, will suddenly pass away, and then, i will REALLY be destitute!! On top of all this, i live on a VERY noisy street, where there i have a bunch of mean cruel neighbors, who all work in three of the nearby businesses. These people are all well-aware of my plight, they all know that i can't stand certain types of loud noises---- (i specifically can't stand the noise of the loud hot rodding, or all of the yelling and cat-calls they like to do)--even so--- these mean neighbors will deliberately go out of their way to all make as much noise as they can with their thunderously loud, modified cars, pickups, motorcycles, and SUV's that they own and drive---all just so that they can hear me have hysterical screaming fits----out of a the genuine, raw fear that i have of these kinds of noises.

Please don't worry; i will never, ever, take my own life, because of my faith. But i have lost the will to live, as i see no hope at all for my future any longer. Even so------i will just continue to get up each day, like i always do,---ugly hot rod noise and all--- and i will continue to try hard to get through each of my days on this cruel mean Earth--until God finally either gives me the open doors---or He takes me outta here. I wish i could explain in better terms, how life is for me---but i am limited, even in the words i have available, to express what this is like. Simply put---my mind is wired differently than the mind of a normal person's is----and i am unable to cope with the world like a normal person can. I just short-circuit alot. And---i don't know how to get this blog promoted, so that more people can be able to read it. But i am blogging because i am crying to be heard---i am crying to finally be able to reach the right kind of people who know everything there is to know about Asperger's Syndrome----the kind of people who can finally get me plugged into the right programs that will finally help me get up and out of this pit of hell.

Last Tuesday, i was in such excruciating pain with my feet and legs,---plus, the street noises on top of it all, that i couldn't stop sobbing. My mother ended up placing a call to my rich aunt. She told my aunt point-blank, this time, how bad things have gotten, that i can't even get a decent doctor who will really care, because i'm on Medi-Care and Medi-Caid---and my aunt's response, as you can probably guess, was the same....."There's really nothing i can do for Melissa....." She ended the convo by telling my mom "Well, I suppose i can contact some of my friends at the University Of San Francisco....and see what they have to say....and i will call you back."'s been over a week now, and my aunt hasn't called my mother back. So---i will just continue to hope and pray that i can at least win a lottery----because if i were to win big enough, then, i'd finally be able to afford to secure all of the BEST help possible!!!!

Dear Father God---i did not ask for this!!!! Please get the right people to read this blog!!!!