Monday, July 27, 2009

In The Battlefield Again--Yup----It's Another Monday!!

I have been sleeping very fitfully lately. The mean monsters have ramped up their loud hot rods and motorcycles again today, and are once again parading them as loudly as they can back and forth past my house...several times a day...back and forth they go, to and fro with these demonic engines just roaring, and screaming just like awful loud jets, rockets, cannons, bombs, and amplified lions. It is Monday again..and my weekend was no better. I so wish i could move...!!!!

Anyway, please read my profile, my About Me, and my blogs from the bottom one up--because this will give you my backstory, in as full of detail as i can. I am in hell---and i need help soon, please!!!! Cuz i am so afraid i am going to keel over dead from a heart attack or a stroke--the tension and stress is that bad. Is there anyone out there who can get my story told? So i can finally have rest and relief? I still believe there is a God in Heaven who is going to grant me a miracle soon. I just wish i could be out of here TODAY!!!! And living where all i can hear are the birds--and the wind in the trees---i don't need to be way out in the boonies--just somewhere that is like five miles away from one of the local cities--where i can still get to all my shopping, doctors, and errands, plus the fun stuff that i like to enjoy. I still would very much love to live in East Arroyo Grande---cuz it's so close to the ocean, it is cooler there--and the people are way more laid back and friendlier than they are in Santa Maria, where i am currently "imprisoned", here on Torture-Chamber-Mean-Bully-Street.

About my weekend---on Saturday, one of the businesses East of here, where i have problems--was open, and the mean bullies were all there revving up their loud red Jeep, and the loud motorcycles--and they proceeded to once again parade these over-the-top loud vehicles right past my house all morning and afternoon long. My voice and throat became raw again from all the screams of terror i emitted all day that day. And then, yesterday, Sunday afternoon, i was over at my neighbor's enjoying a nice visit with him, and some other friends. When i came home from that visit, all happy, this cinnamom brown-colored SUV came roaring down the street going Westbound past my house. When this vehicle neared my residence, and they saw me outside, just minding my own business, as i was walking back to my place from next door, they actually proceeded to stop right out in front, where they began to yell at me, laugh at me, and taunt me cruelly. These were teenagers--but--even so, it affected me--and i got sick this morning as a result..and was unable to get the rest of my sleep. Right now, it is 4:27 PM in the afternoon--and--i currently am siting here, as i write this latest entry--and i have to have both of my TV stereo speakers cranked up loud--and my PC's speakers cranked super loud as well--so i won't have to hear the mean demon noise. I am keeping tabs on the minutes when i know the monsters will all go home for the day, and i can then come back out of my shell and live again. I'm sorry, but that's how this affects me. As intelligent as i am--i am still paralyzed by this kind of crap. I simply lack the filters that other people have, that allows them to IGNORE this s**t. It's killin; me, folks. And, even tho i am a believer--i am still not ready to die--not at the age of 49!!!! There are still so many things i want to do in life!!!!

Please, dear Lord in Heaven, let me have my miracle--so i can live again!!!! In Jesus' sweet name i pray. Amen.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Still In The Center Of This Long Black Tunnel

As i write this, another 4th of July full of beautiful fireworks, from both the nearby fairpark, and the annual Macy's New York spectacular that i watched on TV that night----has come and gone,----- and, things are even worse now. Oh, how i longed to be in NYC that night, sitting along the scenic Hudson River of Manhattan, experiencing those beautiful pyrotechnics, live and in person. But--back to cold harsh reality. Yesterday, i awoke to discover my next door neighbor looking all around the front of our shared carport. I went out, and he proceeded to show me where a large rock had just been thrown into the front of the driveway of our carport. This rock, plus all the smaller shards had ricocheted, and were scattered all over the concrete driveway, in front of our two cars. So now, my problems with the mean hot- rodding street bullies, has escalated into rock-throwing. In addition, i have gone back off of my food plan, and am once again, experiencing the excruciating foot pains in my left foot. This makes it very hard for me to do all the things i need to do, like my weekly grocery and neccessity shopping. The mean hot rod antics--have now escalated again, to the point where i am no longer able to function normally. I so wish i could just pack up and move today. I really hate having to continue to live here, in this lion's den. Even so--the ferocious bullies---are actually using their already loud, modified pickups, SUV's, sports cars, muscle cars, and motorcycles---as weapons of terror against me---because they can't---and won't---understand my plight--and they just seem to think i am a chronic complainer. In addition to the physical pain i endure---i am also suffering a great and terrible inner pain that is just as excruciating and real to me. These noises that these motorized demon machines make---are just like huge sharp arrows, swords----and whips---being stabbed and hit all over my body--and this pain pierces deep into every one of my internal organs.

People, my plight is serious---so serious i am now having spells where i feel as though i want to just pass out sometimes. I can barely think, write, or talk anymore, without my brain just wanting to shut down on me. This is a great and terrible daily stress that i am having to endure. And it has gotten to be too much for me. I may be high-functioning--but--i am still autistic, and i am still very much affected by environmental things. This is why i'm unable to work. I just got done begging my mother to please call my rich aunt again, to try again, to get her to help me. I have strived very hard to tell my story in this blog, with the specific and fervent hope that this would reach people like Oprah Winfrey, people who have a heart, and the means, to give me the hand-up i need, so that i can finally have a life. Please go ahead and go to my very first blog, and read these, in order, from the bottom up to this post. This will give you most of my backstory.

Last night, i also wrote another email to one of our local TV stations, with a link to this blog, to try to get help from them, because this station does alot of human-interest stories. I have also sent my blog link to all of my closest friends, as well. I even have signs posted in the front window of my little cottage which say: "I AM AUTISTIC---AND I AM IN SHEER AGONY DUE TO THE LOUD HOT ROD RACING NOISE!!!! PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME!! PLEASE SLOW DOWN!!!! PLEASE STOP TERRORIZING ME!!!! IN JESUS' NAME!!!!" Yet the meanness continues.

How loud do i have to cry for help?? I have already cried, screamed, and yelled,--- so loudly,----and so much--- that my voice is shot now. I can no longer even sing to my favorite songs. I am really hurting---and i need real help here!! PLEASE!!!! This CAN"T go on much longer!! My poor mother would have never moved to Idaho, if she knew i was going to end up like this today. I was doing good when she and my late father moved up there to be with all of my other family members that moved up there in the 'Nineties. In fact, actually have mostly very strained relationships with everyone in my family, except for my mom and two of my sisters who are very kind and understanding of me. I come from a large family, too!! I have three brothers, and one other sister, plus six neices, three nephews, one grand neice, and one grand nephew. Yet----i am so very, very lonely----because most of my family chooses to ignore me, and i also have very few friends---because folks, it takes special people to understand and befriend someone as complex as myself--and boy, this autism makes me one very complex person!! Still, i really hurt. I don't know why things can't be different for me.

So---as i close, another day has dawned. The sun is up early today; there is no marine layer to keep the morning gray today. I did sleep for four hours last night, but have been up since three A.M., working on this latest post. Today is now Thursday, and the street--is still quiet. I just SO need a miracle---and i so wish it would come soon--or this is just going to keep getting worse. I want to live!!!! Just not like this!!!!