Monday, March 7, 2011
Lord---Please Have Mercy On Me!!!!!
Lord..Please...I Have Had Enough...PLEASE Have Mercy On Me!!!!!!!!!
by Melissa Fields on Saturday, March 5, 2011 at 2:37pm
An autistic Baby Boomer who is perishing, because my family and community still ignore me to this day!!!!
As each day dawns fresh and new...i wake up briefly...and then will myself right back asleep, because, instead of being able to hear and enjoy the birds outside...i have amplified, electronic music, and my television both playing to shut out the supersonic loud hot rods and motorcycles that i know are going to parade past my house each morning...Lord...what, in Heaven's name did i ever do to deserve this hell i have to live in? And why is it so impossible for me to get hooked up with the help i need so that i can have better than this? My legs are so swollen now, they are swollen so tight now, due to stage two lymphodema, with sores that sometimes open up and ooze....all because i can no longer sleep in a normal bed...i have to slep sitting up and back on my couch, with my legs down. I can barely walk, even around my house anymore, because i have gained so much weight that my back and hips and knees hurt.......why, you may ask, have i let myself go like this?
it is the constant tension and anxiety i am under, because i never have enough money to do pleasureable things...only enough to eat, pay my bills, and survive through each month. It is the pain and anguish i feel, everyday, because i have never been able to work or do anything to better these circumstances...i just have to endure ths daily diet of barragement from all of the mean men who work in these five businesses on this street that i live on who bully and terrorize me on an almost daily basis....the local police do not care anymore...they will not even take the time to understand, and just have labeled me a chronic complainer..and so has the mayor of my city.....and everyone, all turns a deaf ear to me...i cry so loud that my throat often becaomes so very hoarse.....but still, no one will hear me......the tension.....makes me so crazy...the tension makes me so out of control in so many areas that i am not even eating right anymore. I am gaining weight hand over fist...i am spending on credit cards, to help make ends meet, to try to make this cage more bearable to live in. On top of that, i cannot even handle cooking....i am a mess.....an autistic Baby Boomer adult who has shut down, because her community and most of her family...all choose to ignore her and shove her in the corner like an old, dirty bag of clothes that the family wants to donate to the local homeless shelter.
Some mean people will say...well, why don't you just kill yourself? Believe me...i do think about it...alot!!!!! But what stops me...is my Christian faith. Even so....i will often will look to the sky and beg my Heavenly Father to just take me Home and be done with it.
I am fifty years old....i will be fifty-one in May. I do not want to die. I want my health and well-being back. I want a chance to be able to fulfill my lifelong dreams and goals, once and for all. I want my friends and family to care and to rally around me. This is way too much for me to bear alone anymore. I do not want to lose my independence.....but i do need help....i don't need to be fixed or cured myself...but i do need to move...and i do need a way to be able to have a better life existence than what the government aid i am on provides for me.....i want to LIVE, for once in my life....please.....it should not have to be like this for so many of us autistic adults.......we are living, breathing human beings.....and i am hurting way beyond what i can even bear anymore because of the circumstances that i am trapped in....!!!!!!!!
I want so very much to be able to travel and see all the places that i have pictures of, both on the walls of my house, and my computer....of New York state, New York City, Washington DC, New England, Maryland, Virginia, The Great Lakes States, Mackinac Isalnd, Michigan, etc. I long to be able to have my own internet/satellite radio station/company, that will play freeform stations of indie rock, Christian rock, indie hip hop, electronic, even country for you folks who like country.....i have dreams.....i have goals...to also help other children and adults who are autistic, to be able to realize their full potentials in life...so they don't have to live their whole adult lives, like i have had to, wasting away on meager government entitlements.
Will SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME???????????????????? Will someone please tell my story???? Will people please start caring???????? PLEASE????????