Couple with that, the fact that i am autistic and already have bad sensory issues with certain types of loud noises and when ppl are mean to me...i meltdown when under these conditions...and then cannot function normally on any level.
Well...unfortunately....try as hard as i did over these past twenty years to reach out for a resolve to my dilemma....today, these problems still exist and fester and manifest...and there are some days that i am in such a terrible meltdown mode because of what is taking place not more than 20 feet from my house that i literally become paralyzed....as that is how close my house is to this street. I cope most days, by keeping both my TV stereo speakers and computer speakers turned up loud, to cover the outside racket and mayhem. I stay, literally holed up in fear and terror everyday, in this house, with both TV and computer turned up loud, and my curtains always shut tightly for fear if i open them to let in a litttle sunshine, the monsters will drive by and yell, rev their motors and honk at me, and when i do have to venture out to go to the bank, or to the grocery store...i have to wear thick heavy headphones to and from my car, so i won't have to hear these men banshee yell or lay on the horns of their vehicles as i pass from my front door to my car....then i have to try to time my trips so i come back when thy have all gone home for the day...and i can get back to my house without incident.
All of this...has worn on me so greatly, that now my physical health is failing....and...it is failing badly. For you see, when a city just looks the other way and allows one of its most vulnerable citizens to just live with this, endure this, and just cope with this...and they don't do a damn thing to help resolve...and i mean really resolve this bully issue, so i can live here in peace...then, i am put under a stress so huge that everything is affected. The way i see, the way i smell, the way i taste all of the food i eat, the way i am not able to relax and enjoy a good book or movie, or the dawn of a new day unfold, with its beautiful shades of pinks and oranges....this affects my whole sleeping cycle and the way i even digest my food.
Often, i am so paralyzed by my fear of these men and the mean things they do just to antagonize me....that it takes me forever to get dressed and out the door to do stuff. My joints ache and hurt all the time now, from the weight that this has put over me. I can barely walk thru a grocery store now, without alot of pain. I am gaining weight and now weigh 340 pounds now, because of the stress. it causes cortisol to form mostly in the midsection of a person's body, the worst place that a person can have weight gain. My legs are now in Stage Two lymphodema, and look like elephant trunks now, they are so swollen..and they often drain, which adds to my further discomfort.
Now...all of my childhood dreams of being able to act, go to modeling school, be a rock radio deejay, and to get to travel and see places like Upper Michigan, Mackinac Island, Wisconsin, New England, New York City and New York State, our nation's capitol.....are all just that...dreams that i may now never get to achieve, because now i am on a sort of Death Row with my health, waiting for God, in His mercy, to just take me Home. No..i will never harm myself. But i do sometimes pray that God will just take me...life hurts SO very badly for me sometimes. No one should have to hurt like this just because they are disabled and cannot work to better their lives.
I have tried reaching out to every agency here: County Mental Health, Tri Counties Regional Center, Cares, Inc., Transitions Mental Health, People's Self Help Housing, the police, the city council of this town, to other city officials...and also to the area newspapers, and TV media outlets. No one here want to help, or is able to help.
I fall through the cracks..and i have always fallen through the cracks.
If i just could find someone kind, who would go with me to the local electronics store so i wouldn;t get taken and ripped off by the salespeople there...i would go get that videocamera and start recording all of the shenanigans these monsters pull. I do have over twenty VHS tape recordings of alot of the stuff they have done, that i was able to record from July of 2005, to February of 2007. But the system broke, so i now have nothing again.
To cope...i went and got a loan and several credit cards, and have, over the course of all these years, racked up approx. $8,700 dollars in debt, trying to
Yes..i wish i had not of done all of that...but...hey, when you are made to feel like you can;t enjoy your home..and can;t be or exist in reasonable peace.....it does things to you....alot of weird things...inside and out.
It is not just money i need..i also need to have a local network of autism community friends. I need for the bullying to stop. I need for my city leaders to start caring. I need my family to care. I need a way out.....a permanent way out. I will probably never be able to work at a regular job now, because of what the past twenty years has done to my whole body, both physically and emotionally and neurologically...so i instead, need to find a way to make money by selling my life story, all of the poetry that i have written, and my artwork that i used to do. I need a way out, so that when my mother passes away someday...i will not be even more alone and floundering even more than i am now.
This...is why i have my Melissa's Move page on Facebook.