Sunday, January 31, 2010

My Weekend With The Hindenburg Car

Yesterday----i had another meltdown. My Saturday began calmly...but...i just couldn't stop sleeping. I slept all day until 3:00 that afternoon. I got up, called my mom, as i always do when i arise, and then went about my normal waking-up routine. Next, i turned on my computer and went on Facebook to connect with all my friends. That is when all hell broke loose. Here i was, trying to be happy, commenting on some of my friends' comment threads, enjoying looking at all of the cool pictures that were posted on the KSBY local TV channel 6 website,----when i began to hear this loud noise---a loud noise which sounded---to me---just like one of Satan's demons farting--seriously--right outside my house!! This loud "phhhhrrtt-ttttt--tttt--rrrrrrRRRRRRPPPPHHHTT---TTTTTT" noise, grew louder and louder, and i jumped right up, already in panic mode, and flung open my front door just in time to see two very familiar looking laughing male faces coming right past my house headed Westbound in their huge blimp car--you know, those classic cars from the '40's and 50's that hot rod enthusiaists like to get all pimped-out? These men were looking right at my house and actually laughing!! Anyway, i have a nickname for these cars. I call them Hindenburg cars--cuz, i am autistic--and i have always had this uncanny habit of putting strange names and phrases to things, situations, feelings, people, etc. Good and bad alike. Most of these names and phrases that i come up with---are actually quite funny-and when i',m not all upset? I actually laugh about the things i say. Yes--us autistic people DO have a sense of humor--i know that i sure do!!!!

So---back to my story about the loud Hindenburg Demonic Fart Car: Needless to say, i was full-blown upset now-----i was screaming and yelling hysterically---and flapping my hands all over the place trying desperately, to get this noise to stop. I managed to pick up the phone to call a friend to have them call the police for me, as the Hindenburg car proceeded to turn right around and come straight back in front of my house again, gunning their motor so loudly that i felt just like i was going to melt into my floor!!! The whole episode made my already damaged throat all sore and hoarse again--and the little bit of strength i had biult up during my calm evening and day, sleeping, was zapped from me. Totally zapped--sucked out of me. I spent the whole rest of the day, feeling like a zombie, half-dead, all because of men who---even though they have been told and told, time and again that i am disabled-and to not do these kind of things---still found it in them to deliberately force me to endure again, an awful, ugly noise that actually represents physical pain to me!! This is terrorism!! And it is killing me!! Literally!!

It is Sunday now, and i have an upset stomache today, from what happened yesterday.

The aunt and uncle who i have been writing to all of these years, just so that i could have help so that i could have a better life? I am not allowed to say their names. But they are very famous and rich. That is all i am able to say about them. My Aunt, this man's wife,--is my late father's sister. i know i am repeating this story--but it has to be told. I am desperately unhappy, and am crying hard Just for a way out. And the way these blogs are set up, it is my latest entry that shows on top. So-please bear with me. :) Back to my story.

In 1988, i began writing to my aunt, begging her to help me so that i could have a chance at a normal life. At first, she read all of my letters. She and my mother would even talk at length about my plight with having to be on SSI and not being able to work to better my circumstances. I told her i needed a new car because the car i had was a gas guzzler, and needed alot of huge repairs on it. She did send a check for $300 dollars to cover thses huge repairs. This was barely enough to pay for the tune-up it needed. Even so, nothing happened--and i continued to write these appeal letters to her. I even asked if i could be in some of their TV commercials. And i also asked her if she would help me get my artwork, stories and poetry published and sold, so i could have a real chance in life! She refused, telling my mom that i needed to count my blessings that i had government aid--and to just be happy with that. I asked for help with my dental issues too. She refused to help with that. She again, sent my mom a check for $500 dollars, telling my mom to not give it to me, but to dole it out in small amounts, to me. My mom sent this check back to my aunt, uncashed, because of the mean spirit that my aunt was showing. My aunt just didn't get that i was---and am---totally unable to work because of my mental handicaps--and i just wanted a life!! A future!! With her support, i WAS going to be able to get the good quality help that i needed that i couldn't--and still can't get with govt aid--but--she just didn't ever seem to understand this!!!! And--she still doesn't.

In early 2000, my father, her eldest brother, passed away. Shortly after, she stopped reading my letters altogether, and began throwing them away. My circumstances continued to worsen, because of my mean neighbors. I began to stay away from here for long periods of time each day--only coming back here after i felt i was safe to come back---which was usually late at night!!! It was about 2001-02, when my mom found out that my aunt was throwing my letters away....and she asked this aunt to please just send them to her instead, and she would keep them in a file for me.

In Christmas of 2005, i wrote yet another appeal to my aunt. Her secretary accidently opened this letter--and so my aunt did read this particular letter. She called my mom, all distressed, saying that she just didn't know how to help me. Later on, a friend suggested that i write to my Uncle instead--and send the letter directly to his New York address. I did this in late 2007---and wrote three letters to him. Still, no response. But--on Christmas Day, my mother called me to tell me that my aunt had just sent her a small check for "Melissa's care." Again it wasn't an amount that would permanently help me out of my rut--but it did allow me to pay off some debts---and i was finally able to get my very first computer.

I can't go on much longer like this. I do not want to die--but i feel that i am. This is a never-ending hell--and i am going to be 50 this year. I just want a life! I'm not out to cause trouble for anyone--i just want a life!! I just want a life!! I JUST WANT A LIFE!!!!!!

Is there somebody out there, somewhere, who "gets" autism and disability issues, who can help me, please???? Thank you, and God bless you!! :)


Adoption of Jane said...

Hi! My name is Jane i live in Long Beach, California. I have an Autistic Son and I would love to be friends with you.

Melissa said...

I'm sorry, jane...i don't go on here that often to check my main life is on Facebook..i am on there too..Melissa Fields from Santa Maria CA...yes we can be friends..and you can find me on FB, like i said before. :) Thanx and God bless you!! :)