Sunday, May 4, 2014

An Open Letter To My Family, My Friends, and My Community

Yes, this letter is to my family, friends, and my community.
I am not a monster
and i nam not crazy
I am Autistic
Which means my mind thinks differently than yours.
I process things differently than you do.
I hear noises more than you do.
My sense of smell
and hearing
is much more heightened than yours is.
I have a uniquely creative mind too
I have a unique sense of humor
I also feel empathy and compassion for others, and i care
and i care alot more than you know
Again, though,
I am Autistic. 
I was born this way.
I will die this way.
Because my Autism is lifelong.
It cannot be cured and fixed 
and made to go away.
I cannot take my Autism off like it is a jacket.
So when you ignore me, shun me, and reject me
when you block me on social media and
won't even let me have your
email addresses and phone numbers
when you treat me as if i am
bad and wrong
because i am different
when you shut me up and won't let me speak
when you call me mean names
when you look at me funny
when you taunt me and tease and chide me
and don't include me in your conversations
and activities
when you invalidate the words i speak, and my feelings
and dismiss them and me
when you tone police me, talk down to me, and patronize me
when you treat me as if i am a criminal and a leper
it hurts and makes me feel as if i am an alien in my own skin
you may not see my heart breaking or my tears
but they are there, and these tears run like raging rivers
because i feel so alone and alienated and cut OFF
this lonliness aches with every breath, 
every step i take
i am alone every Thanksgiving and Christmas now
i so dread the holidays now because of that!!
I never even get to take trips up to Idaho
to see my mom and family
I no longer trust my city's police either
and am
deathly afraid of them now
because of how awful they have made me feel
and some of them still mistreat me
shut me down and won't let me explain
that yes, i AM being bullied by
the employees and their friends
of several nearby businesses
that this is happening almost 24/7 now
it is my fervent dream to be able to move
from this torture chamber i am living in
and to have finances set up 
so that i can make it my whole life
it is my fervent dream that all in the disability community 
will have a decent life set-up and safety net
that no more cuts will ever be made to our safety net
that our families will also step up to help us
so that we are properly taken care of our whole lives
i hope that my family will read this and know
how lonely i am
that this is not me "behaving badly" 
"causing drama"
or me
"being a diva"
"twisting things"
"blowing things out of proportion"
"using my Autism as an excuse"
Nor am i
"hiding behind the shadow of my Autism"
Please take the time to open your minds and hearts to me
before it's too late
I am not a curse, and neither is my name a curse
help me so that i can
have all the things on my bucket list that i 
have so longed to be able to do my whole life.
My artwork, life story being published, travel
to see Northern Michigan, New York State,
New York City,New England, Eastern Canada,
Great Britain, Northern Europe and Scandanavia
and to be able to see the Northern Lights and the Midnight Sun too
Help me so that i don't have to feel so afraid and alone anymore.
help me so that i can have legs again, and a car again,
so i can go to the ocean whenever i want,
and i can have
the peace and independence i once had, back again.
I am a human being
and this human being is hurting beyond what she can bear
because she is unable to work for these things herself
this human being has had enough.
Please help me, in Jesus name, 
Will someone out there
Please help me.

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