The Reasons I Write---An Open Letter To My Family

I Have Reasons For My Writing..An Open Letter To My Family
by Melissa Fields on Saturday, November 27, 2010 at 4:32pm
I know that certain people in my family have been complaining a great deal about my writings, and the radio shows that i did earlier this spring. To all of you in my family, i am sorry that my writing and speaking seems to be making most of you uncomfortable and even embarrassed.....but i have a story to tell.....i am an autistic adult who has fallen through the cracks so much in my life..and to top this off, grew up in a family who, for the most part, have never accepted me or been there for me. Today, because of my circumstances, i have ended up being trapped in a neighborhood for the past 19 years, where there are several mean men who delight in terrorizing the living daylights out of me on an almost daily basis....i am merely trying to use my writing and speaking as a means to work through the very real traumas that i have been through. And to get help for myself. I have yet to tell my full complete story.....but this is my story.....i went through all of this.....and am still going through it.....

My only intentions, besides finally being able to get help for myself...are to educate the public out there on the realities of what life can be like for an autistic middle-aged female who grows up like i have grown up...i am not out to slander anyone, to bad-mouth anyone, or be mean to anyone...i am simply telling the facts.......of how it has been for me. I am a Christian who loves Jesus with everything i have in me.....i have NO reason to lie or to be mean to anyone. Yes, i still have a great deal of still unresolved emotional and mental battle scars from all that i have been through..and i would be lying if i said that i still do not experience a great deal of anger and resentment, all of which stems from all of the mega hurts that i have endured in my life......but.....i have found a vehicle: my writing, as a means of channeling my anger and hurt...........into words.

I would only HOPE and PRAY that my writings would speak to all the hearts of my family members who have chosen to harden your hearts to me......i pray that your hearts would soften.....and then there would be a time that you would all do some honest soul-searching as to the things that i have written and spoken about......

I really hurt because of how most of you in my family have chosen to treat me......and how you still choose to deal with me....i have made honest attempts through the years, to try to reach out, to explain my hurts, to try to facilitate mended fences between us all...and instead, it has driven most of you further away from me.....

Dear family, i am the first to admit that i was not perfect either.....

i did do and say mean things alot of times, that were very hurtful to all of you too.....

when i was growing up, i did get away with alot of things that i should not have gotten away with.

And i hereby apologize for all of those things right now!!!!!!!

But was i damaged goods? Was i, please excuse the term: retarded? Was i the weirdo you all liked to always call me? Was i wrong? Was i ugly?

************NO!!!!***************

I was just trying to live my life with the tools i was given.

Even so, i always felt so ganged-up on by my family..like i could never do or say anything right....

i always did feel so VERY wrong, dirty, and ugly;

i always felt like i was in everyone's way.....

i always felt so isolated and cut off from all of you...and it became even worse when most of you, including my mother and father, all moved to Idaho!!!!! After that, alot of my Thanksgivings and Christmases became bitterly hard.....because, since you have all moved to Idaho, i have had to spend many of these holidays alone....no one in my family ever thought to spring for a plane, train or bus ticket so i could come up to spend the holidays with all of you. I would call my mom, and hear all of you talking and laughing in the background, and become so depressed because i couldn't be there!!!! In the 'Nineties, some of you were still living here....you had not yet joined the others.....yet none of you would have me down for any holidays at your houses....i do get to go to my one brother's house when he and his family are in town for Christmas, but when they aren't, my Christmas is spent alone and lonely.....in fact, my eldest brother and sister-in-law even told my mother that now that she and my dad were in Idaho, they weren't going to have any contact with me anymore, because neither of them wanted to deal with my "problems" anymore.....for several years after this, neither of them sent me any birthday or Christmas cards anymore...those stopped for awhile, till after my dad died in early 2000......

In 2005, my youngest brother even told my mother that the family BBQ's would stop if i were to move up to Idaho, because he didn't want to deal with any of my meltdowns at the family BBQ's..........

I don;'t know how clearer i can make this, dear family....but i can assure you all that i am NOT out to trash anyone in my family...just tell my story, because i sincerely feel, in my heart of hearts, that this story **must** be told.

Please pray about my words, dear family. Please understand, once and for all, where my heart is at with this. I am autistic..i have a mission..to educate, to enlighten people, and to help others who may be doing this to their loved ones who are on the spectrum as well. In doing so, i am also trying to work through my own hurt. In doing so, i am also trying to reach all of you who still harden your hearts against me.

Thank you and God bless you, everyone. <3<3<3<3