Again, spending another weekend alone and at home
I have no one to call to go anywhere with
I only have 126 monthly hours of care given to me by my county
so i must work strictly within those parameters
it is getting harder and harder for me
to stay cooped up here in these four walls
i feel so trapped
i so long for human companionship
i love it when my caregivers and nurses come, because they are
the only real physical human companionship i have right now
i have no real friends here in Santa Maria, just my caregivers
and the nurses who come
i lost yet another caregiver last month
because she too got angry with me because i was just
trying to get her to
stop ignoring me
and tell me when she was going to come back to help me
this is getting worse
my leg lump is gettig bigger
the doctors here still don't want to remove it
so i can just please have the freedom to walk freely again
the neighborhood where i live isnow so unbearably noisy
the bullies have NO mercy on me anymore
and run rampant through here like roaring and screaming lions
i have no peace and rest except for the middle of the night
all of my friends are on my computer
and they all live
in other states and other countries and time zones
family love, family acceptance, family support
is not there for me either
i am utterly alone
i am utterly afraid
and in pain all the time now
both physically and emotionally
the beautiful sunsets and sunrises, the moon
and the ocean and the beach
i rarely get to see any of those anymore
i long to go to a cool church again too
the kind where the worship is rockin' and the people
are friendly and accepting of me
i keep running my caregivers off too, because
so many of them don't get my Autism
and have much patience with me
and they get angry when i complain that they are ignoring me
i do have a good caregiver now, but worry i will run her off too
this is so lonely, you just don't know how lonely and scary this is
i cannot tell you how awful i feel when i awaken from each sleep
it is as if i am waking up in a dark field
where there is no one to talk to on all sides of me
just the dark gray clouds overhead all the time
and grass that is also dark and gray
and it never ends
lately i feel as if life is passing me by
the loud roar of one of my caregiver's voices
still will echo cruelly, taunting me as she yelled at me all the time
telling me i couldn't have my Slurpees and fast food anymore
one day she yelled at me all the way to my bank
because i just wanted to hear my music that day
a longtime family friend now is also against me too
i don't mean to run people off, but it happens over
and over and over again
when will i have my voice
when will i have the support and security and family i need
when will i be able to get this awful heavy rock hard
basketball taken off my leg
so i can walk again and work on losing weight
because i will then be able to walk again
this doesn't seem to matter to the doctors
i need a way out
because i am perishing.
A Magic Bus to take me to my freedom where i can finally be Me
i can finally shine and have my dreams and goals for my life be reachable.
Is this too much to ask?
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