Wake my Family Up, Lord...

Wake my family up, Lord, before it is too late
and the gates close tight upon them!!
Tear down the walls that divide us...and make it so hard
for me to even TALK to them in a normal phone conversation!!
It makes me wonder, Lord, why You chose to put me in a family
with such narrow, and intolerant spirits!!
This afternoon, all i did was call my sister, MJ,..only to find out
if my mom was still there at her house..and MJ yelled at me, for
no reason at all..shouting me down so loudly and so harshly
that i was suddenly put back in that awful, degrading mold of
that little dirty child---yes, yesterday's waste...that child
who was always so wrong, always in the way, all the time,...
that child who never had a right to even say hello to them
..who never had a right to have her own opinions..or to make
her own mind up on matters of politics or music, or TV shows...
my way of thinking was always so wrong, or too weird and "out there"
for them....like it was always such a crime---and---i so dread the
times that i have to call MJ---
because she never says "Hello, Melissa, how are you today?
It's so good to hear from you!" Instead, she answers the phone always,
with a very harsh, loud, hot and bothered "YEAH!!!!!", when she sees it
is me on the other end of the line--and then, she proceeds to talk AT me,
in a voice that continues to be so loud, so rude, and actually irritated--
that i am even DARING to call her--like i just commited this awful crime
by calling her!!!
I am not allowed to have MJ's e-mail address, and she will also not allow
me to friend her on Facebook!! When i went to friend my sister-in-law, J,
my brother, E's wife, on Facebook---she, too, declined my request--
--instantly!! This same thing happened when i tried to friend another neice and another sister-in-law on Facebook.
My little brother, MC, even told my mom five years ago, that the family BBQ's would all have to stop if i were to move up to Idaho---
because i would cause too many upsets!!! My aunt also seems to think that it is perfectly okay for me to remain right where i am, with no services, no healthcare, no dental care, no respite care or autism supports--no way to pursue my lifelong dreams and goals!!!
I do have a brother who lives here--and am invited to his and his family's home for Christmas Eve dinner and they are always very generous with me on that one night each year. But there are walls between he and i too, where i cannot talk to him
either...and...this hurts, because i am so open--and am so used to being open with people!!! I also have two other sisters who have also mostly always been kind to me--but--there are walls between me and them too.
I have always felt very much like i have had to be something i am not in my family
in order to survive being there!! Why, Lord??? WHY?????
Dear Lord----what did i do to deserve this????!!!!
All i can come up with for an answer --is that i am different---i am what is called
"differently-abled" than they all are!!!!
I am not a redneck or a cowboy like they are!!
I am not into horses or big huge 4X4 pickups
or country and western music and John Wayne or
Clint Eastwood spaghetti westerns or hunting or guns--
--and--i also happen to be autistic too!!!!!
THOSE, dear Lord, are the ONLY "CRIMES" that i have committed in this family.....
....and...to this day, i pay dearly for being this way!!!
How, then, do i go on, can i go on, knowing that i will
evidently always be viewed as a curse to my family----as
just yesterday's waste? It is ONLY BECAUSE You, Lord, have chosen to put
some groups and some areas of people in my life who ARE sweet angels who accept me
for the unique person i am....people who show me that i DO matter
that is why i am still here....still alive and willing to put up with all the garbage
that comes along with the little oasises of good that i have in my life!!
It is because of the beutiful sunrises and sunsets that i
sometimes get to see..and the beautiful Christian rock
that i can hear streaming on my computer every night...
and Your LOVE, Lord, Your LOVE so UN-conditional---
plus the fact that my life here on this Earth
has been such agony and hell already--
that i am too much of a chicken to even consider suicide as a way out
because i am too afraid that if i did try to take my own life--that You would
be so angry and hurt that i would be sent to the real hell--where i will have a whole ETERNITY of this same hell and agony--except minus all the good that i do have now!!!
Still, dear Lord, it is so hard...and as i fight back huge, hot tears of fresh hurt, fresh rejection,....i pray this fervent prayer to Your throne of grace tonight
that You will convict all of the hardened hearts of my family as to what they are doing to me by continuing to treat me like this!!
I am NOT a monster!!
I am NOT mean!!
I am NOT selfish
or lazy
or spoiled
or crazy
or mad!!!!
I AM AUTISTIC!!!!!
I was BORN this way...and i will DIE this way....
unless YOU supernaturally heal me, Lord!!!!!
My family...do not realize the heart of gold that i have,
or the sense of humor or intelligence and unique ways i have---
because, to this very day, they keep the walls up...
they keep me shut out..and shut down...
they STILL will not allow me to be myself around them!!
I am expected to jump through certain hoops when around them
..and if i can't do it..i am cast off to the side like a
wallflower at a high school dance!!
Please, dear Lord, i pray, in Jesus' Holy and Wonderful Name
Please soften the hearts of my family--please tear down the walls that bind them
please deliver them from the spirit of fear and intolerance and heal their hearts so that there will be patience and acceptance towards me instead of the harshness and coldness...please, Lord, do this before it is too late!!!!!
This i pray, in Jesus' name,.....
......AMEN!!!!!!

Idaho No More!!!

Today is a beautiful, warm and sunny Saturday......and....as of today.....my plans to move to Idaho are no more. My aunt didn't come through with the finances to make this happen....other family issues arose,....and now i am left back at square one......still stuck here in my little torture chamber cottage here on Mean Bully Monster Street....where i am sitting at my computer, which is right next to my front door. I happen to have my front door wide open right now, because i want so very much to enjoy the fresh air and cool breeze----just not the "nice" loud, speeding traffic that comes along with it!! So---the PC speakers are cranked up loud again, on an online station called The Alternate Side, so i can try to drown out the awful speed demon noise!!! The Alternate Side, by the way, is an awesome alternative/indie rock station that i stream online everyday, because i love this kind of music!!!!! I also have Sirius/XM in my car.....only because my mother is able to afford that!!

I really neeeded my aunt's and uncle's help---and i still do!!!! I can't be expected to do without my favorite music if something happens to my mom.....i LOVE my Christian and secular rock music and would be sooo very, very lost without it!!!!! If my mother were to suddenly pass away today, i know i would have to give that up!!! Not only would i have to give that up, but my internet and TV service would also probably have to stop too----in addition to that, i may also face having to give up my car and being able to drive..........people, PLEASE know how serious this is for me!!!!!

And......if my mother were to die today......i may probably even be made.....forced.....to live in a rest home or mental institution for the rest of my life......no more independence either, if i don't have a miracle happen soon....

Last night i spent several hours getting even more new pictures of Michigan, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Lake Huron and Lake Ontario off the internet, for my screen saver slide show. I didn't get to New York, New England or Pennsylvania last night....those are the other places i VERY MUCH want to see if i ever come into money....so today, i sit here, and all i have is my never-ending pipe dream that maybe i will win the lottery tonight...or Wednesday.....and then, i will finally get to go see all of these places....someday...someday.....SOMEDAY!!!!!

Also....i just turned 50 two weeks ago...that, in itself, is a milestone for me....because i can now say that i am half a century old---woooooo!!!!! But what do i have to show for it, but a 28-plus years of being dependent on government entitlements?

I do have a wonderful group of friends on Facebook now, beautiful, sweet people who all really "get" me!! Like me, these people are either autistic themselves, or they are adults who have children on the autism spectrum. And here in Santa Maria, I do happen to have alot of familiar places that i am able to go, where i am treated with kindness and compassion--places where my autism is accomodated!! Plus, i have my friend Garrison next door and my other friends, the Nicholsons, who also live in town. So--it is actually a blessing in disgiuse that i didn't move to Idaho----because if i had of moved there--i would only have my elderly mother to turn to, no one else, as my other family members who live there--all still ignore me and treat me just as they all did when we were all growing up together...like a leper and a pariah. As for the other sister who WAS nice to me who lives there? She is now against me too......but if i talk about that, she has threatened to sue me and cause me all kinds of trouble.....

I am currently working fervently towards getting my story out to the media now. I NEED to tell this story.........it is a unique story----but, you know what? All of us have our own unique stories to tell....because we are all unique...each and everone of us. :)

So--i just wanted to update everyone as to where my situation lies today. I wish i could find something wise and powerful to say as i close my latest blog entry--but i don't--my mind has grown so tired...all i can say is that i hope and i pray SO very very fervently, that this will change soon-----my Aunt and Uncle are now both acutely aware of my circumstances---it is up to God now to convict their hearts....only He can soften their hearts so that they will care, and have real compassion on me and finally give me the help and relief i so desperately need and crave!!!!

Just now, a terrible, loud black sports motorcycle came absolutely SCREAMING through here---my back and arms and face and chest still actually BURN from the pain of having to hear that GOD-awful demonic screaming noise right now--it was just as if a giant stingray bee thing just flew past the front of my tiny cottage...oh, it hurts to be alive when i can't even have my sanctaury on a nice warm and beautiful sunny Saturday.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am autistic--i am NOT a CRAZY-LADY!!!!! And i have the right to live in peace!!

Are there any media outlets out there who would be willing to come and tell my story, please??

Please pray for me, everyone!!!!! God bless you!!!! :)

Update!!!! Cool News!!!!!!

I am finally going to be moving off of Mean Bully Monster Street!!!! Due to my dilligence in keeping my blogs going here on Blogspot, getting hooked up with tons of really wonderful, awesome autism community friends on facebook and my notes and blogs and other projects on there--i have finally been able to get the help i need to get out of here. I can't say that much about this right now, but when i am all settled up in Idaho, i will blog about it and tell everyone the details.

Just suffice it to say, i will be out of this pit within two months and living up in Idaho near my mom and sister and other family. There are good doctors there, as well as better services for me....and once out of here---i know i willl feel like a human being again. Then, i plan to get dilligent about writing my life story and getting my poetry and artwork published also.

I am OVER-THE MOON HAPPY tonight!!!!! I finally see the real LIGHT at the end of my tunnel--and i am running towards it as fast as i can!!!!!!!!

I will talk to everyone soon!! Thank you all to everyone who is following me and supporting me!!! God bless you all!!!! :)

Monday In Hell Again!!

Well--i had a very beautiful day and night yesterday---Sunday!! :) Last night, i even went to sleep for alittle while around 11:30 PM, with my computer streaming one of the Christian rock stations i like to listen to during the night. I got three hours of sleep--but--it was a very restful, peaceful sleep, and i awoke again at 1:30 this morning, and got to finally get my other desk straightened out, then get all caught up in my journal. Then, i washed my hair. After that, i got my milk and vitamins, and proceeded to enjoy going on facebook and then YouTube. I was laughing, singing and smiling, because the mean terrorists weren't all here with their loud, souped-up monsters roaring at me with their ugly demonic engines right outside. They are never here at night!! :) And i kept praying so hard that today would be one of those days where the nice police would extra patrol the street to keep it calm for me. I had wanted to go back to bed to get some more sleep--but then, right at 6:30, the races began...and before i knew it--i was back to this other mode again: my riled-up, rolled-up-into-a-tight-ball version of me that i become when the street monkeys are all here and active, running wild and loose. So--i am still up as of 9:15 AM. I am up, partly, so i can rework my biological body clock back to where i am able to to be awake again in the daytimes--so that i can go on a web radio show Wednesday morning, to tell my story.

The street noise has been terrible all morning long, with the monkeys all coming to work. So i have had to turn on my Wall Of TV noise and streaming indie rock music on the computer , to block it out again. This is how i get to live six days a week--sometimes all seven days, because these men have to come here and hot rod all day long.

Back in 2006, on the last weekend of October, one of the auto shops was here that entire weekend, working on their drag racers. They actually had these dragsters out in the open, in the courtyard of their shed where they store them---and the noise had me in a bad, bad, bad, two-day meltdown!! At this time, i had had a videocamera rigged up to a 13-inch TV-and i was able to record this noise--and me, wailing non-stop in sheer agony and pain. I even called the mayor of Santa Maria, because his home phone number is listed in the phone book. My mother had talked to him on a few occasions before about me, so he was, and is, well-aware of my plight here. Mayor Lavagnino was quite rude to me, though, even though i was crying really hard, and he told me to not call him anymore and he hung up on me, in a manner that was nothing but hostile and angry. This only added to my misery--cuz now i had the mayor mad at me!!

So, yes--the whole city is well aware of my plight. Yet this abuse and harrassment---continues. Oh, i was finally able to meet with the owner of the one shop that has the drag racers in Feb. of 2007--and we now have an agreement, that if he has to fire up the dragsters, he tells me now, so i can prepare, and arrange to be gone from here when the dragsters have to be fired up. He now also works on them inside the building too, where the noise isn't as overbearing. Still, though, there are approximatley 6 of his employees, plus their friends, who still do things to purposely antagonize me. In addition, there are three other businesses too,on this street, where i am also terrorized. As for the police--i have called them so many times in the course of the past 17 years of me living here, due to the problems i've had, that most of them now, dislike me, and turn a deaf ear to me. There is even one seargant who actually has a vendetta against me because of things i didn't do in the past that he wanted me to do---and he has made it so that i can no longer call regular dispatch if i have a problem. If i do, they immediately know it;'s me, and i am treated very harshly, even ridiculed and belittled and yelled at by these dispatchers, over the phone!! There have been a few instances where i have had to call 911, too, and nobody ever came. One instance involved a big party that a teenage boy was having down the street. This boy knew, too, all about my autism, and promised he'd keep the mean kids away from my house--but--it didn't happen. The party got out of control, and next thing i knew, these mean kids---were throwing rocks at my house!! When i called 911--and, by the way, i know when and when NOT to call 911--the mean dispatcher asked: "Is this Melissa ******?" When i said yes, she said "Okay, goodbye!", and she fricken hung up on me!!!! When i had to be rushed to the hospital, due to heavy menstrual bleeding---they did send the ambulance right away--(the EMT's were SO sweet and caring and gentle with me that morning!!)--but---they--the dispatchers---were harsh with me that time, as well. Yes, i am now stigmatized at the police dept!! There are only two commanders at that police dept. that i can call now, who both understand and help me when i call. In addition, there are also a handful of other officers there, who also understand my plight with these businesses. But---all of the other officers--have all turned against me.

And so it is another agonizing Monday. My mother is right now, making phone calls to the police commanders on my behalf, and i am trying to talk her into calling my Aunt Virginia again, to just right come out and ask her to help me. Because this is killing me to have to live under these circumstances!!

I know i need help--but not in just one or two areas. I first need to move off of this street, to an area, where i can be away from this battlefield so that i can finally start to heal from my 17 years of torture. And i am not willing to go through anymore government agencies to get help--because the only good help out there---costs good money--and the county and federal govt--offers only minimal, very piss-poor service at best. Been there, done that!! A million times over!! I am just SO tired!! SO very, very tired!!

Well--that is enough for now. I think i can go to sleep now, with my TV and PC blaring, of course! So---i shall talk to you all on my blog wall again very soon!! God bless you all!! :) ****Me****

My Weekend With The Hindenburg Car

Yesterday----i had another meltdown. My Saturday began calmly...but...i just couldn't stop sleeping. I slept all day until 3:00 that afternoon. I got up, called my mom, as i always do when i arise, and then went about my normal waking-up routine. Next, i turned on my computer and went on Facebook to connect with all my friends. That is when all hell broke loose. Here i was, trying to be happy, commenting on some of my friends' comment threads, enjoying looking at all of the cool pictures that were posted on the KSBY local TV channel 6 website,----when i began to hear this loud noise---a loud noise which sounded---to me---just like one of Satan's demons farting--seriously--right outside my house!! This loud "phhhhrrtt-ttttt--tttt--rrrrrrRRRRRRPPPPHHHTT---TTTTTT" noise, grew louder and louder, and i jumped right up, already in panic mode, and flung open my front door just in time to see two very familiar looking laughing male faces coming right past my house headed Westbound in their huge blimp car--you know, those classic cars from the '40's and 50's that hot rod enthusiaists like to get all pimped-out? These men were looking right at my house and actually laughing!! Anyway, i have a nickname for these cars. I call them Hindenburg cars--cuz, i am autistic--and i have always had this uncanny habit of putting strange names and phrases to things, situations, feelings, people, etc. Good and bad alike. Most of these names and phrases that i come up with---are actually quite funny-and when i',m not all upset? I actually laugh about the things i say. Yes--us autistic people DO have a sense of humor--i know that i sure do!!!!

So---back to my story about the loud Hindenburg Demonic Fart Car: Needless to say, i was full-blown upset now-----i was screaming and yelling hysterically---and flapping my hands all over the place trying desperately, to get this noise to stop. I managed to pick up the phone to call a friend to have them call the police for me, as the Hindenburg car proceeded to turn right around and come straight back in front of my house again, gunning their motor so loudly that i felt just like i was going to melt into my floor!!! The whole episode made my already damaged throat all sore and hoarse again--and the little bit of strength i had biult up during my calm evening and day, sleeping, was zapped from me. Totally zapped--sucked out of me. I spent the whole rest of the day, feeling like a zombie, half-dead, all because of men who---even though they have been told and told, time and again that i am disabled-and to not do these kind of things---still found it in them to deliberately force me to endure again, an awful, ugly noise that actually represents physical pain to me!! This is terrorism!! And it is killing me!! Literally!!

It is Sunday now, and i have an upset stomache today, from what happened yesterday.

The aunt and uncle who i have been writing to all of these years, just so that i could have help so that i could have a better life? I am not allowed to say their names. But they are very famous and rich. That is all i am able to say about them. My Aunt, this man's wife,--is my late father's sister. i know i am repeating this story--but it has to be told. I am desperately unhappy, and am crying hard Just for a way out. And the way these blogs are set up, it is my latest entry that shows on top. So-please bear with me. :) Back to my story.

In 1988, i began writing to my aunt, begging her to help me so that i could have a chance at a normal life. At first, she read all of my letters. She and my mother would even talk at length about my plight with having to be on SSI and not being able to work to better my circumstances. I told her i needed a new car because the car i had was a gas guzzler, and needed alot of huge repairs on it. She did send a check for $300 dollars to cover thses huge repairs. This was barely enough to pay for the tune-up it needed. Even so, nothing happened--and i continued to write these appeal letters to her. I even asked if i could be in some of their TV commercials. And i also asked her if she would help me get my artwork, stories and poetry published and sold, so i could have a real chance in life! She refused, telling my mom that i needed to count my blessings that i had government aid--and to just be happy with that. I asked for help with my dental issues too. She refused to help with that. She again, sent my mom a check for $500 dollars, telling my mom to not give it to me, but to dole it out in small amounts, to me. My mom sent this check back to my aunt, uncashed, because of the mean spirit that my aunt was showing. My aunt just didn't get that i was---and am---totally unable to work because of my mental handicaps--and i just wanted a life!! A future!! With her support, i WAS going to be able to get the good quality help that i needed that i couldn't--and still can't get with govt aid--but--she just didn't ever seem to understand this!!!! And--she still doesn't.

In early 2000, my father, her eldest brother, passed away. Shortly after, she stopped reading my letters altogether, and began throwing them away. My circumstances continued to worsen, because of my mean neighbors. I began to stay away from here for long periods of time each day--only coming back here after i felt i was safe to come back---which was usually late at night!!! It was about 2001-02, when my mom found out that my aunt was throwing my letters away....and she asked this aunt to please just send them to her instead, and she would keep them in a file for me.

In Christmas of 2005, i wrote yet another appeal to my aunt. Her secretary accidently opened this letter--and so my aunt did read this particular letter. She called my mom, all distressed, saying that she just didn't know how to help me. Later on, a friend suggested that i write to my Uncle instead--and send the letter directly to his New York address. I did this in late 2007---and wrote three letters to him. Still, no response. But--on Christmas Day, my mother called me to tell me that my aunt had just sent her a small check for "Melissa's care." Again it wasn't an amount that would permanently help me out of my rut--but it did allow me to pay off some debts---and i was finally able to get my very first computer.

I can't go on much longer like this. I do not want to die--but i feel that i am. This is a never-ending hell--and i am going to be 50 this year. I just want a life! I'm not out to cause trouble for anyone--i just want a life!! I just want a life!! I JUST WANT A LIFE!!!!!!

Is there somebody out there, somewhere, who "gets" autism and disability issues, who can help me, please???? Thank you, and God bless you!! :)

New Front Window Appeal

Today is Thursday--it is the wee hours of a new morning as i write this new blog entry.

This week has been another killer torture week, due to the relentless hot roddings of the mean bully monsters that never stops...that never stops. A few minutes ago, i constructed new signs, made out of plain white poster board and a dark purple Crayola wide-tip felt tip marker. Maybe this time they will listen. Maybe even this time, a local TV news van will come by and see the signs. Maybe someone who is a lawyer will come by and read the signs. Maybe, even someone who has the resources to just sweep me out of here to a quiet place so that i can finally heal from these deep, 18 year old Mean Street Battlefield scars. Maybe someone who'll even take me on my dream trip to New York!

At least this week the sun is out, and it is not pouring down rain, and wind, and thunder, like it was the whole entire week last week. But still, i have to listen to the loud mean thunderous hot rods and motorcycles all day long.

My signs--they read as follow:
PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME--I AM AUTISTIC!
I CANNOT WORK! I CANNOT FULFILL ANY OF MY LIFELONG DREAMS AND GOALS!
MY PHYSICAL HEALTH IS ALSO FAILING NOW! I HAVE VERY LITTLE IN LIFE...
AND I HAVE TO LIVE HERE UNTIL A MIRACLE HAPPENS.
PLEASE STOP HOT RODDING, PLEASE STOP TERRORIZING ME!!!!
IN JESUS NAME, I BEG YOU!!!

Again, these businesses KNOW that i am disabled---yet this continues to go on every single day! I do not feel it is too much to ask that these grown men just BE NICE to me!!!! I don't understand WHY my aunt and uncle won't read my letters and come here to see me, so i can talk to them, and show them how i am having to live. I don't understand why the doors have to stay shut for me, and so many others who are autistic!!!! Especially us adults!!! I am truly and desperately unhappy. I have no joy left. No strength anymore. I am exhausted from all the pain. Physical and mental. Even so, i won't take my own life--because i DO NOT want to go to hell when i die!!!! I love God enough to keep hanging in here and taking this bullshit day in and day out! I love my mother and two sisters and my friends too much as well! So---i just keep on taking the shit! Yes, my situation could be worse. But this is torture even so.

New Year, Part Two

Hi again! :)
It is the wee hours of the morning on Sunday, January 24...it is three weeks into the New Year, and new decade.... and i am up again after taking a three and a 1/2-hour nap. Earlier last night, i wrote a smaller blog--i wasn't feeling well then--i still don't feel well. But i needed to wake up more so could think to write more coherantly--and i also needed to go to the grocery store. I did that, got some pizza, and came back here, ate, talked to my mom in Idaho, then i watched the 11 PM news. And then, i just fell asleep.

The week-long heavy El Nino rainstorms that CA had this past week, are now gone. The ground is beginning to dry out a teeny bit, because the sun got to finally come out from behind the clouds yesterday. As a result, all of the rivers and streams are now flowing, our reservoirs and lakes are full again--and the hills and nearby coastal mountains are such a brilliant shade of green now. Normally, this will inspire me to get in my car and take a nice long drive up the coast, up HWY 101, thru San Luis Obispo County, and all the way up to San Simeon, then across HWY 46, then back down 101, thru Paso Robles and Atascadero, so i can enjoy this beautiful, fresh new tapestry. But lately, i am way too exhausted and my legs bother me too much. My legs now freeze up on me, if i drive long distances because of the way they are now.

I soooo miss those drives!!!! They were such a good therapy to me!!!!

Instead, my life these days, is now spent in a never-ending daily narrow bottle---this tiny cottage---with the curtains on my windows always pulled tightly shut, sleeping later and later each day, with my TV stereo speakers and PC speakers up really loud all day long,--from 7 AM to 5:30 PM, so i can totally drown out the awful ugly hot rod noises that all the loud souped-up and modified motor vehicles make all day long right outside my cozy litle cottage. Otherwise, i have sheer meltdowns where i scream and yell so loud, that my throat actually BLEEDS!!!! Then, i end up talking like Demi Moore for the next several days!!

On the days i have to run errands, go to the bank, post office, etc., i get to leave this hell-hole in the afternoons--but i have to always make sure that, 1), i can leave without the mean bully monsters seeing me, so they don't yell, gun their motors, and start honking their horns at me, and, 2) i have to at least stay away from here until about 5:30 PM, because that's when all the mean bully monsters finally go home to their respective caves and huts! It is then that i can finally have my volumes normal in my house; i can "let my hair down", and enjoy my TV, music, and computer: usually Facebook and YouTube videos. On YouTube, i love to follow the daily vlogs that the SHAYTARDS, Charles Trippy, and VlogCandy all do--plus, i love Strawbuury 17's vlogs too--she is one of the Vlog Candy people...and a beautiful, sweet young Christian lady. I also love to watch the many road trip vlogs that are on there!! I will type in New York or Michigan, and etc., and away i "go"!! LOL! All courtesy of YouTube!! :) But anymore--i feel just so trapped---like i am in a cage, being tortured and held in a tiny corner, cuz of this very mean harsh environment.

I have written in earlier blogs, also, that i have a rich aunt and uncle who i have written numerous appeal letters to. My uncle is a famous sports personality, and i am related to him through my aunt, because she is my late father's sister. I have been advised by my family and close friends to not reveal their names. I myself, am afraid to reveal their names, because this aunt can be very mean and cruel. And, it isn't in my HEART to be mean to anyone!! All i want,---ALL I WANT--- is to just be able to have a way to have a decent, bearable existence for once in my life. I have never been able to work, cuz of my autism, and will probably never be able to work now, just because of all that has happened here, since i've lived here on Mean Street for the past 18 years. I have had an awful lot of trauma with various mean neighbors here that this has caused some very deep-seated trauma deep down inside of me. It has actually changed my whole nervous system.

Even so, these relatives----are the only ones in our family who can really afford to help me!! Yet, each and every letter that i send to them, gets sent on to my mother in Idaho----unopened. I began writing to this aunt in 1988, about my plight. I have written over 20 appeal letters to her over the course of these past two decades. At first, she did read my letters!! After my father passed away, though, she stopped reading them, and began just throwing them away. When she told my mom this, my mom pled with her to not throw them away anymore--to just send them to her and she would keep them. It broke my mother's heart that my aunt was just throwing my pleas for help away in the trash!! But what can one say to a woman who can be mean? Even so, my mom has talked to this aunt at length, on numerous occasions, about my plight--so this aunt is well-aware of it all--even of how i have NO dental care, no medical doctor, no more eye care on Medi-Caid, ---even of how much i long to see new York City and the Eastern U/S. But what does she tell my mom? "I'll see who i can talk to about Melissa,"---but doesn't ever call her back. Whenever this aunt is down here to visit her other brother's family members--she doesn't call me or come by to visit me. I am often taken off of their Christmas card list for no reason at all. She once wrote in a letter to me, saying that i needed to just be satisfied that i get the gov't benefits that i get, and that i should just continue to tighten my belt all the time, and do without TV, music, fun, and living a decent life.

I don't know what is next for me. I do know that God sees how all of the affluent people in our country are continuing to turn their backs on the needs of the disabled. I know that children like little Zakh Price are still being abused at the hands of some very mean people, because our govt still doesn't seem to want to get on the ball with the kinds of legislation that will protect ALL disabled people from this kind of crap ever happening again!!!! Do the rich and famous care? Some do--but so many do NOT!! And it is DEPLORABLE!!!! I do know that i have been in such agony because of the stress i have to endure on a daily basis, that it HAS affected my physical health to a great degree. I am going to be 50 this year--and i now weigh 340-plus pounds. My legs and feet are swollen big and tight, with lymphodema, because i can no longer sleep in my bed. I live in an utter FEAR that i could lose my govt entitlements, that my mom could pass away suddenly, even tho she's still in good health at almost 81 years of age---and then, i could REALLY be financially destitute. But do most rich people care? Do they care that, without dental and vision coverage for poor people, these people won't be able to see or eat? How can one read a good book if they can't see to read that book? Or see to be able to sign a form or a check, so they can cash that check and have money to eat with and pay the utilities with? Without teeth--or with teeth that are poorly maintained---a person could get oral cancer!! Our teeth can even cause the kind of plaque that leads to heart attacks and strokes--bcause it is that same plaque that is on our teeth that builds up in our arteries and heart valves!!!!

This does make me angry---livid!!! I would hope to God that if i ever did come into lots of money, that my heart would not turn cold towards those who are disabled and needy!!!! I would hope to God that i would still be the compassionate soul that i am today--even though i have been in a real pit of hell for most of my life.

I do now have some really super cool, new friends on Facebook! :) On February 3rd, i will be on Tricia Kenney's online radio show, to tell my story there. I may go public with the names of my aunt and uncle too--but it won't be because i want to expose them. It's because i am desperately unhappy....and am just crying out to be helped. All i am asking for is to finally have a way out of this pit--so i can put feet to dreams and goals that i have had ever since i was a little girl.

To be able to walk without it hurting my legs, feet, hips and back....to be able to take my long drives again.
To be able to sit cross-legged on the floor again.
To be able to read a good book without having to put it down because i'm having another meltdown because there are savage men outside roaring.
To be able to bend down to touch my feet so i can wash them and trim my toenails, and put cream on them--and a clean new pair of socks
To be able to get up at a reasonable time and come and go again without fear of the neighborhood terrorists terroizing me
To be able to create new artwork, stories, poetry without the terrorists interupting that for me too
To be able to open my curtains and windows so i can let the daylight into my house without the fear of the mean street monsters
To even be able to see New York City real soon
This list goes on and on....please--i really need help. I want to tell my story and have it published too.... along with my artwork too. And yes, my aunt knows all of this too. Is there somebody out there who will pleae help me reach my goals? Please! Please! Please!

Thank you and God bless you all. :) Me
P.S.--Please read all of my older blogs, and my About Me and profile as well---because this all explains my backstory. Thanks!! :)