Monday, April 25, 2016

My Continuing Bad Neighborhood Saga

I am too hyped up to sleep, yet i do feel very fatigued. I am replaying yesterday’s neighbor drama over and over, still processing—-trying to process—- why some people, and how some people can be so mean, and how lying seems to come so easily to them.
Also, how her daughter can justify continuing to brazenly park her shiny truck right where i get hit in the face with bright afternoon sun reflections, even though i have TOLD them this is a real thing for me, a VERY real sensory THING. I asked her why she can’t find it in her heart to have at least that much of a heart for me—-to just not park there in the afternoons, so i am not forced to have to shut my door when i don’t WANT to shut my door!!
I have to now keep several pieces of cardboard notebook backings to block her sunlight reflections out, and this means me not being able to see freely out my front screen security door.
How is this fair to me?
What happened yesterday? Basically, i was sitting here at my computer and was on Facebook, while waiting for my caregiver/friend, Connie to come. My next door neighbor, who knows full well that i am Autistic with multiple other Disabilities, drove up, as a passenger in her sister in law’s car. Her sister in law was driving.
When this sister in law comes, she always makes it a point, knowing i need my driveway clear for Connie and other company that may come, as it is my driveway, and they are not supposed to use it or block it or park crowding it…….does just that……in the past, she has parked right in my driveway, and when i spoke up about it, she then began coming and parallel parking right against my driveway, blocking it. In addition, she loves to honk her horn…..another thing i hate.
Yesterday, L drove up with her sister in law, and they proceeded to park right in front of my driveway, blocking it….knowing full well that that was the time Connie comes. When i began to yell and scream, she refused to move. I called L over to my front door to talk to her, who began lying saying she wasn’t parked there that long. Sister in law was still outside, now parked normally, in front of L’s house—– and when my discussion with L grew increasingly louder, because i was becoming angry at her lying to me about everything and justifying her daughter having the right to park in front of their house—-L’s sister in law suddenly jumped out of her car, and came lunging, in an angry rage fit, at my front door, screaming and yelling all kinds of mean names at me.
I was trying to tell L that even though her daughter has a right to park on street in front of their house, the sunlight blinds me, and is a sensory issue for me—-and i am asking for this as a reasonable accomodation for my Disability—-that was when her out of control sis in law came lunging at my front door like she wanted to rip it open and beat me up.
When Connie came, she left, but not before laying on her car horn several long loud agonizing times, and yelling at me some more, while making obscene hand gestures too, at me.
The whole incident scared the shit out of me, and i do not do well when people go off on me like this lady did. People yelling at me and verbally attacking me, is also a huge sensory issue for me, and it takes me days to fully get over something like this.
I needed to put this into a blog to help process through this, and to show how we Autistics are still treated by most of society.
To be honest, i do come across many Neurotypicals who are really cool, who take the time to listen and understand me and accept me. But for every cool nice Neurotypical person, there are the ones who are snotty and attitudinal.
I am looking into legal channels to remedy my next door neighbor situation. Because i should not have to be a prisoner in this house that my mother bought for me from one of my sisters to live in so i would never ever be homeless. I am also working with some very nice people from the police dept. on resolving many of my other neighborhood issues that have been ongoing—-the car club and auto shop and warehouse bullies, and their loud hot rodding, loud thunder bass and loud animal noises.
This is exactly the reason why i refuse to live in another apartment where i am in close proximity to the other neighbors that we hear everything that each other says and does.
Living here for the past 24 years (trying living in two other places that were apartments for two short time periods in late ‘93, and early ‘94) has forever ruined me mentally and physically. I grew up being traumatized by family, and schoolkids and school teachers….. and my PTSD from just that runs deep. Add to that, this street for the past 24 years, plus several friendships that went sour because most people don’t do too well with me as i am too complicated for them—-[sarcasm]—-then all of the nightmare caregiver experiences——ummmm, let’s just say, i am still here, but i am deeply unhappy because now i have even lost my physical health——yeah, tension will do that to ya——and i need to move where i can have the sensory peace i need.
I know this was a long read. But i needed to get it out.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

My Housing Situation

I am very low on spoons. I slept all day till almost 6 PM.
I had several dreams that i was looking for one bedroom places on my Section 8 voucher, and all i could find were apartments with people either above, below, or beside me.
IRL i did try living in two apartments just like that, to try to get away from this neighborhood
-----this was in late '93 and early '94-------
--------it was all i could get on Section 8------
-----apartments with stairs right next to my unit, and walls as thin as tissue paper---------
and the noise from my neighbors in both of those apartments, caused me even more BAD meltdowns, meltdowns that were every bit as bad as the ones i was having here due to the Mean Girls who lived next door to me here, who were bullying me at the time---------the Mean Girls who i so desperately was trying to get away from-------
-----------so each time i had to move------------
-----------right straight back to this awful neighborhood--------- i had to come back here to this pit to live again amongst the Mean Girls.
I lived in those two apartments so briefly that it's easier to just tell everyone i've only lived here for the past 24 years. Because i have, for the most part mostly lived here....i tried to make it at those two other apartments in late '93 and early '94----but both were just like moving away from the frying pan into the fire.
I really wish those who build high-density housing, would build with the needs of the people in mind who are going to rent those kind of apartments. The walls need to be thick, with thick noise canceling insulation.....and don't build the units where the damn stairs are right next to a person's bedroom.
Because people don't work well living right on top of one another!!!
Yes, i have blogged about this in the past.

Friday, April 8, 2016

Tired

I am burnt out.
Tired
of being lonely
with no local Autistic support network
Tired 
of being confined to my house
Tired
of not being able to go places
i especially miss the freeway
and open road
which i love
and the ocean
which i also love
and getting to see nature,
the green hills and flowers of Spring
I am so Tired
of not being able to reach
the goals i have in life
Tired
of having a family who is
virtually non-supportive of me
Tired of being unable to take care of my own hygiene
Tired of still feeling like
i am on the outside
even in my own community
Tired of just not being able to get where i need to go in life.
I am tired of being.
All i want is to wake up
and find out that i never lost the use of my legs
that i still have my little Toyota Tercel
and the nice neighbors who once used to live next to me
who DID care about me
I am genuinely burnt out.
I want this suffering to stop.

I want badly to move from this bad neighborhood.
I want badly to get the surgery i need
so i don’t have to wear this 24/7 horrible lump
that is the size of a basketball on my left inner thigh
I am tired of this trap, this jail i am in.
I am crying for a real way OUT!!!!!!!
Before i get much older, please.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Believe Me When I Say They Hate Us

It really sucks that there are so many hateful people out there who will go to such great lengths to silence those of us who are ‪#‎ActuallyAutistic‬, because we show them that we do have a voice and that our voice is loud…….and that we hate blue puzzle pieces and Auti$m $peak$ for a damn fucking good reason.
ABA is ABUSE. Its aim is to make us normal and indistinguishable from our peers,…..as if being Autistic is wrong in the first place. Even so, Auti$m $peak$ supports ABA therapy, and all therapies that are designed to cure and fix us. They say we are damaged goods and call us a disease. When we are not. They support the JRC who uses electric shocks to torment its students.
We try and try to educate and tell the paaaaarents. We are not afraid to call paaaaaarents out who go online and divulge the personal toileting habits of their young Autistic children, without their consent. When those children grow up, they will see what their paaaaarents posted, and be rightfully humiliated.
IT SHOULD NOT HURT TO BE AN AUTISTIC CHILD OR AN AUTISTIC ADULT. Being Autistic is neither wrong nor bad.
But these paaaaaaarents persist. And now one of my dear friends is unfairly paying the price of being forced to be separated from all of their friends, all due to a mean vindictive paaaaaarent. The same could happen to me, as i also started a new Facebook page, and a few paaaaarents are now starting to visit my page.
We create these pages because we have a right to. And we set up page rules for our safety and peace of mind. Those rules, if broken, earn the person who breaks those rules every right to be banned from our pages. Because they broke the rules. So why then, do the moderators get banned off of Facebook for just enforcing the rules? Tell me how that is fair?

Saturday, November 21, 2015

My Health, And My Words

I, an Autistic adult, turned 55 years old in May.
My physical health is not good anymore.
My legs are still swollen; i still have the awful
huge lymphedema tumor on my left inner thigh.
And it is getting bigger.
I also weigh 350 pounds now.
I went through alot of heavy things beginning in March of 2012.
In that month, my next door neighbor, and friend
who i had had many problems with during the course
of our six year friendship before our final falling-out,
suddenly turned against me for no reason at all.
He said it was because he was not going to run my errands
when i didn’t feel well anymore.
But i knew it was deeper than that.
He actually couldn’t stand me anymore.
And his hostility and hate really cut through me. I could feel his hate for me through every fiber of my being.
So i knew he hated me.
All of the other times we would have our fallings-out,
We would always mend our rift and things would be
good again for the next two to three or so months.
But this falling-out was radically different…..and……
…….this one was worse and darker than all of the others.
He got very mean, and began doing some of the
things he knew were triggers and sensory issues to me……
The loud golden oldies music that
made me relive my painful childhood,
his loud TV turned up loud, and his suddenly loud banshee yelling,
followed by several ugly emails where he slammed me and said i was
essentially a worthless piece of dirt who was lazy and
who had zero value.
He even threatened to call the police on me if he heard my music or any of my meltdowns.
He also went to all of the businesses where i was having problems with employees and their friends who were bullying me (and still are)
to let them all know i was making videos.
I suddenly began getting alot of hate comments on those videos
and even had to take some of them down
as he himself would flag them and threaten me
even though i needed to tell my story
He was done with me. Done.
I have deep PTSD and trust issues from childhood because so many people don’t understand Autism, and we get mistreated, misjudged, attacked, accused of, called tragedies and burdens, and essentially thrown away in the trash.

My mom could not talk to my friend this time. No one could.
His mind was made up.
My whole world collapsed around me, and i suddenly became afraid to step foot out of my house or drive anymore.
I began to have horrible frightening nightmares about him,
and night terrors.
I cried alot. I went into very deep dark depressions.
I began to fear i was going to die and go to hell like he
had told me i was headed to, in one of his awful emails.
My leg tumor which had developed a year before, got bigger,
and my legs swelled even more
He moved out that April, and on his last day here,
he stood outside and glared at me before leaving.
Thankfully, i had finally found a nice caregiver to take over and help me.
She helped me with my housecleaning, cooking, dressing, bathing, showering, all of it.
I sold my little white ’95 Toyota Tercel 2 door coupe that summer.
I have not driven since April of 2012.
I lost the ability to handle driving.
And then my caregiver turned very moody and mean, and i suffered another huge mental blow, so bad, i ended up chopping off all of my beloved dark red hair.
It has grown back again, but i still go through spells of frustration where i want to chop it all off again.
Since then, i have been through several very abusive caregivers
who would grill me about my meltdowns, demand lots of money from me for gas, and other mean things—-some of them would really yell at me
and i also went through more friendships that never lasted.
Today i finally have a kind compassionate caregiver who
Has become a real true friend and ally to me.
But when she is not here, i am all alone and lonely, sleeping all of the time now, and
i now feel dizzy alot, and just…..just…..really tired.
I come from a large family, but only have acceptance and love from my mom and two of my three sisters.
I call my mom every single day, and sometimes more than once a day if i am in alot of distress.
I have absolutely no contact or relationship with my three brothers, my other sister, nor any of my nieces and nephews. In fact….the one sister and one of my sisters-in-laws has me blocked so i cannot contact either of them.
I am writing this because to be honest, i feel like i am going to die soon.
And i want you all to know a few things……God puts us all on this earth, and we are all different…..
Some of us are disabled and require more care, patience and understanding.
But that does not make us bad or wrong….or less-than.
If any of you have a sibling, relative, or friend who is disabled…..
we cannot always be fixed or cured.
That does not give you any right to abuse us, and give up on is, and do it in a way that is mean and demeaning to us.
It does not give you a pass to ignore us and pretend we don’t exist. Or to financially, mentally, and physically abuse us. Or to gaslight us.
We are human beings…..and we deserve to be loved, accepted and included and to be a a part of our communities.
Please read my words and take this to heart. I honestly don’t know the course my health is going to take……all i know is that i feel as though if
i had my family
if had a group of local friends who would come visit me
take me places….to the ocean, to the nearby cool towns we have around here…..and even to any evening services at a cool laid back church where i would be truly accepted…….i may stop feeling so tired and like i’m going to die.
Please know
I say these words as truth!!
When people are alone and lonely
they lose hope……and the ability to dream and to go on.
Please don’t ignore us. Let us be who we are, and just be our friends.
And don’t give up on us.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

My November Appeal

I didn't get up until after 5 PM this late afternoon. I managed to sleep ALL day long today. I got to see the rain start, but i slept through all of this morning's rainstorm. And then through all of this afternoon's clearing. Because.....i have no one to visit me on Sundays, and no one to come and take me places so i can get out of this house. Connie wants very much to be able to take me places, and she would, but her car needs some repairs, and she is unable to get those repairs done now. In the meantime, i do have a few local people on my friends list who i know read these posts who could find at least a couple of hours a month to come visit me, and maybe take me to the movies at the mall. Or once in awhile take me to see the nearby ocean. I am getting lonelier and lonelier, and cut off from the outside world, and yes, being lonely and cut off from the outside world does affect a person's physical health. It shortens our lives. If only i could even make some friends from the LA area, friends who are Autistic friendly, who would be willing to come once in awhile, like Penny used to do from Bakersfield, until my ex-high school friend/ex-caregiver, S., caused HER to turn against me. When i had Penny, i did get to go up to San Simeon, Cambria, and Morro Bay. Then Pismo, Avila, and the Avila Pier just before the Pierside Cafe closed. I don't know how much longer i can go on like this. My own brother who still lives here won't have anything to do with me either.
The good news though? Is that this year, Connie is bringing me a full Thanksgiving dinner of dark meat turkey, ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy, rolls, string bean casserole, and dessert.....which includes pumpkin pie. :) I am looking forward to that with all of my being!! :) I just wish i had a group of local friends who would come by, bring me a chocolate mocha from Starbucks, and visit, or take me up to the coast for a day out. I don't understand why this town is so against me. I am not a monster. I am not a bad person. I am Autistic, and i am hurting from deep down inside because most people blatantly ignore me.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

I Am 55 Now….What Is There Left For Me?

I did not win last night’s Powerball lottery either.
When you are poor, 55 years old, have never worked, and have lived trapped unable to escape a bad neighborhood with bullies for the past 24 years,
When you are Autistic and no one understands you except your long-distance friends who do get you, your mom, two nice sisters, and your caregiver,
but the whole entire rest of your family all ignore you and hate you for telling your story online, instead of seeing why i had to tell my story
and there are no resources, no help available, yes, some of us dream and hope for things like the lottery to be our way out of our trap.
I am so lonely i hurt inside and out.
I am so depressed i feel like there is no light at the end of my tunnel.
I keep on losing friends because either they can’t take the intensity of my situation, or they just get pissy and mean.
I still don’t get to go places because of my legs, and because i still don’t have the mobility equipment i need, and ramps so i can get in and out, and i had to stop driving in 2012.
I have actually become frightened of going anywhere alone, and must have someone with me everywhere i do go now.
I so love it when my caregiver comes each day, as she and i do alot of talking and laughing. If she had a newer car that didn’t need repairs, she would take me to the coast.
But when she isn’t here, i have no one to talk to, hang out with, visit with, so i go on Facebook.
I do also talk to my mom every day, and sometimes one of my nice sisters.
But lately, my depression has gotten so deep i am left with no spoons most of the time….no spoons, no energy, and no strength.
With the huge leg tumor on the inside of my left thigh that goes from my groin to below my left knee….things such as hopping in the shower, even with help, has become so tiring….and it hurts me to stand long enough to even pop food in my microwave now…..it hurts from my whole lower back, down both legs and feet.
It has also become difficult for me to get in and out of any vehicle, except for a regular four door passenger car. Even that takes me having to get creative as to how i get in and out due to this lump.
Here i am at age 55.
All i have is a lifetime of this same kind of loneliness and isolation.
Back when the leg lump was smaller, i would beg and beg my doctor and the people at the lymphedema clinic to help me, and they refused……so this lump just got bigger and bigger and bigger…..and i fear that someday i will need to be put in a nursing home where i will then lose what freedom i have left, altogether.
I wish to God, someone would see my story and help me before it’s too late.