I did not win last night’s Powerball lottery either. When you are poor, 55 years old, have never worked, and have lived trapped unable to escape a bad neighborhood with bullies for the past 24 years, When you are Autistic and no one understands you except your long-distance friends who do get you, your mom, two nice sisters, and your caregiver, but the whole entire rest of your family all ignore you and hate you for telling your story online, instead of seeing why i had to tell my story and there are no resources, no help available, yes, some of us dream and hope for things like the lottery to be our way out of our trap.
I am so lonely i hurt inside and out. I am so depressed i feel like there is no light at the end of my tunnel. I keep on losing friends because either they can’t take the intensity of my situation, or they just get pissy and mean. I still don’t get to go places because of my legs, and because i still don’t have the mobility equipment i need, and ramps so i can get in and out, and i had to stop driving in 2012. I have actually become frightened of going anywhere alone, and must have someone with me everywhere i do go now.
I so love it when my caregiver comes each day, as she and i do alot of talking and laughing. If she had a newer car that didn’t need repairs, she would take me to the coast. But when she isn’t here, i have no one to talk to, hang out with, visit with, so i go on Facebook. I do also talk to my mom every day, and sometimes one of my nice sisters. But lately, my depression has gotten so deep i am left with no spoons most of the time….no spoons, no energy, and no strength. With the huge leg tumor on the inside of my left thigh that goes from my groin to below my left knee….things such as hopping in the shower, even with help, has become so tiring….and it hurts me to stand long enough to even pop food in my microwave now…..it hurts from my whole lower back, down both legs and feet. It has also become difficult for me to get in and out of any vehicle, except for a regular four door passenger car. Even that takes me having to get creative as to how i get in and out due to this lump. Here i am at age 55. All i have is a lifetime of this same kind of loneliness and isolation.
Back when the leg lump was smaller, i would beg and beg my doctor and the people at the lymphedema clinic to help me, and they refused……so this lump just got bigger and bigger and bigger…..and i fear that someday i will need to be put in a nursing home where i will then lose what freedom i have left, altogether.
I wish to God, someone would see my story and help me before it’s too late.