"What I Wish My Parents Knew About Me When I Was A Little Girl"

                                  By Melissa Fields

                            Copyright February 2014

When i was a little girl, i wish my dad knew how much it hurt me

whenever he would punish me and yell at me for

always looking at the brilliantly hued shines in my hair 

and other people's hair all the time because i was, and still am 

quite enamored and fascinated by the way hair shines.

When i was a little girl, i wish my dad had taken the time to explain

and listen to me and let me talk

before he would raise his angry hand to hit me.

When i was a little girl, i wish my mom would not have always 

been so quick to hush me up for talking too loudly, or

for saying too many silly goofy things that seemed to always 

embarrass her.

I wish she had never thought of me as her penance.....

or as an embarrassment.

I wish my dad had let me listen to my rock 'n' roll, 

that he would have let me dance

to my favorite songs, and let me be the little girl i was.

I wish he had enjoyed being around me

and enjoyed answering all of the little girl questions 

i always had for him.

But he didn't. 

He was always too busy, and short-tempered

and could never be bothered with my questions and 

little girl silliness

in fact, he always told me i was to be seen not heard.

I wish he had known how much it would have meant to me 

to have him tell me how much he loved me, 

how much i was wanted in his life

I wish he knew how much it would have meant to me

to have him smile wide and be glad to see me

when i would walk into the kitchen each morning

instead he would barely grunt at me  

each and every morning.

But the truth is, i felt i was an intruder in my own home.

I never felt like i was wanted, nor like i mattered to my father.

I know now that my mother has always loved me, 

and she admits her mistakes now.

But sadly, i was never able to make peace with my father,

and to this day, i have very strange dreams about him

some are actually dreams where he talks to me 

and is making things right with me

other dreams are dreams where he is yelling at me again.

I am almost 54 now and i am still single

because i have never felt comfortable around men

because my father and brothers and 

the one grandfather i knew, were all stern and distant.

I wish my father knew then while i was still a little girl

when he still had the time to win my heart back to him.