By Melissa Fields
Copyright February 2014
When i was a little girl, i wish my dad knew how much it hurt me
whenever he would punish me and yell at me for
always looking at the brilliantly hued shines in my hair
and other people's hair all the time because i was, and still am
quite enamored and fascinated by the way hair shines.
When i was a little girl, i wish my dad had taken the time to explain
and listen to me and let me talk
before he would raise his angry hand to hit me.
When i was a little girl, i wish my mom would not have always
been so quick to hush me up for talking too loudly, or
for saying too many silly goofy things that seemed to always
I wish she had never thought of me as her penance.....
or as an embarrassment.
I wish my dad had let me listen to my rock 'n' roll,
that he would have let me dance
to my favorite songs, and let me be the little girl i was.
I wish he had enjoyed being around me
and enjoyed answering all of the little girl questions
i always had for him.
But he didn't.
He was always too busy, and short-tempered
and could never be bothered with my questions and
little girl silliness
in fact, he always told me i was to be seen not heard.
I wish he had known how much it would have meant to me
to have him tell me how much he loved me,
how much i was wanted in his life
I wish he knew how much it would have meant to me
to have him smile wide and be glad to see me
when i would walk into the kitchen each morning
instead he would barely grunt at me
each and every morning.
But the truth is, i felt i was an intruder in my own home.
I never felt like i was wanted, nor like i mattered to my father.
I know now that my mother has always loved me,
and she admits her mistakes now.
But sadly, i was never able to make peace with my father,
and to this day, i have very strange dreams about him
some are actually dreams where he talks to me
and is making things right with me
other dreams are dreams where he is yelling at me again.
I am almost 54 now and i am still single
because i have never felt comfortable around men
because my father and brothers and
the one grandfather i knew, were all stern and distant.
I wish my father knew then while i was still a little girl
when he still had the time to win my heart back to him.