More rantings from a soon to be 54 year old Autistic adult who is fed up with being ignored and shunned by my own community.......
......And....the next damn bozo who tells me that i am "TOO high maintenance" again, is going to get a damn good punch in the face!! I will defriend, delete, block, slam the door shut in your face, yell, tell you to eff off, and whatever else applies...because.....for the last time....i am NOT TOO HIGH MAINTENANCE....I AM AUTISTIC!!!!!!!!!!
Today, i was visited by a church pastor and his wife. Throughout my almost 54 years living on Mother Earth, i have learned to develop a strong distrust of teachers, cops, church priests, nuns, pastors and elders, because i have been hurt like you wouldn't believe in all kinds of churches, by all kinds of teachers, and all kinds of cops....and because, in most churches, they seem to want to cure, heal, and fix you so you will be saved and cleansed of all sin and imperfection, wiped clean, so to speak. I do still believe in God, and believe in Jesus as my Savior, oh yeah, that will never change, but i now have even more of a jaundiced and bitter view of American Christianity and American churches....because of how many times i have been misjudged, rejected, told i had demons in me, told i needed to have my Autism prayed off of me, told i was too needy, and too this, and too that. F**k it all!! Today, i gave this pastor and his wife a chance, letting them come into my home because i was told they did care, that they did want to come see me, that they did want to get to know me, that they were going to help me in any way, shape and form they could. I was told i was a blessing to them by the lady who had talked to him about me. So, i gave them a chance, because i still like to be fair and give people a chance. And i really and truly thought that this time would be different, that these two would listen to me, and accept me.
They did listen. They did listen to what i had to say.
I told them all about how i am housebound because i cannot walk, cannot walk to a bus stop, and how i now don't drive because of my leg tumor, nor do i have a car now, because i sold it in August of 2012.
I told them that i can only get out when my caregiver is here.
I told them i am all alone on weekends, lonely, and that i would love to have friends who would come see me and take me out just so i can be able to get out of the house once in awhile on these lonely weekends.
I told them how i cannot get help and services in this area, and i needed people to go with me to doctor's appointments and other places that make me nervous to go to by myself because i am scared to go these places all alone, because i am often rushed and treated badly, especially in medical offices.
I told them how i needed help to get my things packed up to get them moved/shipped off to Michigan, that i cannot do it all myself because i cannot stand, bend down, lift, etc. I told them why i am moving to Michigan. Because i am dying of lonliness and my needs are not being fully met here.
I told them all about the street and my sensory issues. Three hot rods roared through here while they were here, so they got to see how it affects me to hear that noise.
But the light bulb of understanding and compassion was not going off in their heads. At all. Even though they kept saying with their mouths that they understood, i knew they didn't "get" it. They both kept saying there was nothing they could do for me, because they were afraid of doing the wrong thing, so they would rather not get involved. And they kept saying there are only 50 to 60 people in their church. And that it is a very conservative church, complete with piano and organ. That they don't have rockin' worship with a full contemporary band.
They kept saying i was too high maintenance. They kept saying that they do not understand Autism, and are afraid of helping me because of that. They said they don't help elderly people either out of fear that they will fall, and they will do the wrong thing when they fall.
They even went so far as to tell me right out that they were actually not looking forward to seeing me this afternoon. Yes, they really said that. They said that because they already knew, before seeing me, that i would be a "high maintenance" case, and knew they would have to be brutally honest with me.
All that they could offer me this afternoon, was to talk about Jesus and do a devotional with me. All fine and well, but i was having them in my home to try to get my very real physical needs taken care of. And yes, he told me they would mention me in their group meeting tomorrow, but he said that he highly doubted that anyone would want to help me, because people are just too scared off from those who are.....**DRUMROLL PLEASE**.....here's the word again......"too high maintenance"!!
And the whole entire time they were here, Pastor's wife kept looking at me with a strange squeezed-face smiley face that i didn't like at all. That seriously added to my discomfort. I also kept noticing him looking at my mouth like that disgusted him too. Yes, i have very bad chipped teeth in front, and they are discolored, again because in CA, we adults lost our dental benefits for a very long time. For years we were without dental benefits.
The sky outside showed no sun at all today, adding to my growing sinking feeling of despair.
I felt so uncomfortable right here in my own home, and like a third class citizen being visited only as a courtesy by the rich stuffy folk. That was exactly how i felt. They actually acted as if i was a huge problem that they wanted to get away from as fast as they could. They seemed to want to just pray over me, then just leave, and drop me like a hot potato.
To top it all off, i told them that my mom had blessed me with a bag of organic puffed rice cereal, and i had opened my box to discover this, only after my caregiver had gone home, so it was too late to ask her to get me some milk for my cereal. Pastor and his wife could not find it in their hearts to even make a quick run to the closest store to get me one small half gallon of milk so i could have some cereal. I would have paid them for my milk.
Boy, and here i thought that churches are supposed to be hospitals for the weak, vulnerable, poor, hurting, widows, and orphans!!
This is why i need to move out of here. And desperately. Because this kind of thing keeps happening whenever i endeavor to try to reach out for supports and services. Because i am alone and cut off here. My elderly mother and two nice sisters live out of state, and the rest of my family also see me as a drama queen and think i am too high maintenance. Yes, THAT word again. If i didn't have a caregiver, i would definitely die.
I hope i can get my story to the news media so someone can help me, please.
Because i am not crazy; i am not high maintenance; i am AUTISTIC.....and i WILL perish if i cannot get to Michigan soon.
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