Customer Service Means Equal Respect For All--I Was Discriminated Against Again At A Local Chain Restaurant Tonight!!
by Melissa Fields on Thursday, February 24, 2011 at 2:53am
It is now 2011!!!! This needs to stop already!!!!! The bullying and mistreatment of children and adults who have special needs is a very real--and serious issue--and it is still happening!!!!! It happened to me again tonight in a local restaurant that is part of a national chain of health-conscious places to eat. All i wanted was to eat something that was healthy and fresh for a change---and my efforts only caused me more in the way of uneeded heartache for myself.
This is going to be a long post, but this all needs to be said and addressed, so, please take the time to read it---because these people who are being mean---they do not realize the very real harm they are causing us when they treat us this way. I have just as much right to eat at that place as anyone else---and to be made to feel as welcomed and comfortable. But----this didn;t happen for me tonight--and you know, after all was said and done, i left that establishment feeling so demoralized and disempowered that i was actually feleling like driving my car off the nearest cliff. I wanted to just melt straight into the seat of my car and die, because of the way i was treated by the manager of that place.
The past few weeks i have been having alot more frequent stomache upsets than i normally do. Since i have alot of sensory issues/obsessions about preparing and cooking my own meals, i either eat entrees that can easily be popped in my microwave and heated, or i make simple sandwiches, and i also keep a large stock of the larger plastic drinking cups, Chinet heavy duty paper platters, and plastic silverware on hand, so i don't have to bother with washing dishes....as i also have a sensory issue when it comes to washing dishes...like, did i clean and disinfect the germs off of them enough? When i don't eat these things at home, i eat out, in order to get the things, such as beef, chicken, steamed cooked vegetables, baked potatoes, enchiladas, and other foods that i oftentimes crave....but can't have, because i cannot cook these thngs for myself. By the way, before i go on, for all of my new friends who do not yet know...i am a middle aged autistic adult....someone who is today, suffering on so many levels because i have never been able to get the help, treatments, interventions, services and supports so i could be able to grow up to have a real chance at being able to lead a normal productive life as an adult.
It is this way for most if us adults who are on the spectrum. It's this way for me.
I am also a real people person, too. In fact, i am overly friendly, and i actually just love, love, LOVE to be around and talk to/hang out with others when they are nice, friendly, kind, and accepting of me. And that is the other reason why i often eat out. For the social contact and rapport that i have with many of the servers, cooks, and managers of these restaurants. If i like a place...i keep going back to it. But....that's where the problems begin to manifest themselves, because, invariably, as these people continue to see me, and get to know me, they, for some strange reason, seem to begin to soon grow tired of me always having to have things a certain way...my food, my money, and the way i am talked to. Or else---i end up having meltdowns in their restaurant, either because someone was not friendly to me, or they are out of the iced tea and i have to resort back to drinking Pepsi or Coke, which i don't want to drink all the time, because i think Pepsi and Coke make my legs more swollen and sore. Or if there is no ice in the machine. Other things that can make me meltdown in a restaurant are when other kids or teenagers start staring at me and giggling and making fun of me. I am extremely fine-tuned to peoples body language, their tones of voice, eyes, mouths, and the way their countenances are....to the point of being hypersensitive. For some reason---i have always been the most hypersensitive in these areas. Now, when i say i meltdown in public...i don't mean that i meltdown where i am screaming and bawling. When i get upset in a public place.....my reactions will range from being rude, abrupt and outspoken to the offending party(ies), only because i get in real anxiety modes when there is no iced tea or ice, or my food is all wrong....or i will stand there in front of the drink/ice machine and huff and puff loudly, and let out swear words under my breath, shaking my heaed repeatedly, while i wait for someone to make new iced tea, or replenish the ice....again, it is not that i am being a spoiled brat...it is because of the mode of anxiety i go into when these things happen. I like to think that i am a nice person----and, believe me, i do try to be nice and polite to people whenever possible--because that is how my parents and grandparents raised me to be. And----because----i like to be nice and friendly to everyone!!!! In fact, another real pet peeve of mine that really gets under my skin, is when i hold open the door for someone and they pass through, and look at me, and they don't smile at me---and they don't say "Thank you," to me!! I will often react by saying loud enough so they can be sure to hear----"Ummm...you're WELCOME!!" Or, and here's a good one!! Alot of times when i go to the post office to check my P. O. box, it is sometimes a real nightmare just to get a decent parking spot. But, when i go back out to my car, start it back up, put it into reverse, and start to back out...invariably, someone--and then, several someones decide to all invade the parking lot behind me, and they will NOT let me out---even though i have my reverse lights on, and am creeping out, ever so slowly...inch by inch....then, i roar like a lion, i am so mad. Again, not because i am trying to be mean...but because there is a point where i just can't stay patient anymore, because my senses overload..and then---WHAM!! I am at my worst when i am at the post office, because it is often too crowded. Our city is growing too large now, to just continue to make-do with the one big post office we have....they needed to build a second one yesterday, darnit!!!!!!! But--my meltdowns can sometimes consist of yelling at people too...but that is usually out in the open air....not in a restaurant, that i do my yelling. In side buildings, i do try to contian it to a reasonable level. I do get kind of loud, if i get angry enough though, and there was one place where things actually DID escalate into me screaming hysterically----but that was back in 1997, at a buffet restaurant where there were several teenage employees who ganged up on me to make my visits there a living hell....and one day, things got so bad, that i left out of there screaming hysterically, got in my car, came home and threw my whole meal up in the kitcxhen sink. I have never been back to that particular establishment.
Anyway, now to get to why i am writing this note: earlier tonight, i decided to eat at a national chain restaurant that specializes in delicious, but very healthy breads, salads, soups, fruit, awesome sandwiches, pastries, and cookies. This place is one of my favorite places to eat, as they have always been very patient, kind, nice and accomodating of my sensory issues. I sometimes like to take a good book there to read while i eat.....and...they have wi-fi there too...so if i had a laptop, i could also surf the internet if i wanted to, while i eat. It is a very nice place to relax. However, again, a couple of their managers lost their patience of me, when i began to complain and take up too much of their times with wanting to talk. One lady, in partcular, started to become really really LOUD with me...always shouting-down at me, instead of talking TO me in a normal tone of voice--if you know what i mean. Well, I didn't like it. People who do that, do that because they want you to be and stay beneath them. They do it to try to get rid of you. They do it because they want you out of their hair, so to speak. So---- I grew to not like that particular lady anymore, and i began to go in when she wasn't there, to avoid her.
Well...tonight, i went there, because i just had to have a sandwich with turkey, bacon, melted cheddar cheese,a cup of theri broccoli cheese soup, and a fresh fruit bowl. Well, comt to find out, that lady was there---plus, there were two new cooks in the back, who both had very unfriendly attitudes. The two girls in front were really nice...but gone were all of my other friends---and in back were these two new "thugs" , who wouldn't smile or say hi to me, like the other cooks always did. Even so, i still wanted to eat there...because my mouth was really, really, really watering for fresh fruit and soup and a sandwich.
So i ordered. On my way back, i tried my best to make freinds with the two new cooks---but they only got a tiny bit more nice----so----i knew these guys were going to be a problem. I got my iced tea and fruit punch mix, and sat down. Pretty soon, my food came. One of the new cooks brought it to me, but he remained cold and unfriendly. Even so, I dug into my broccoli soup, then took a bite of one of the apple slices, then ate some of the mixed fruit. Then, when i got to my sandwich---i went to pick it up-----and-----looked-----and felt the bacon----and----found the bacon----to be----as cold as ice!!!!!!! THIS was WRONG!!!!!!! Up i got, and i marched straight over to the back counter where the one new cook was, and i told him to please make me a new sandwich, that i had ordered it as a grilled melt...and that the bacon needed to be cooked. And, no, i was not nice about it, because by this time, i was angry.
I went back and went on eatting my mixed fruit, soup, and apple. my sandwich still was in the process of being made..i would have really liked to be able to have it there to eat with my other food....but i waited and waited. I finally caught one of the floor girls, and asked her to get the anager. When the manager came, it was that lady who hated me from before, and again, she she didn't talk to me...she began shouting down at me, with her hands on her hips, and a large clipboard in one hand, as she peered down at me in a very condescening but forced friendly manner......."Well, hello, Missy, what seems to be the trouble?" in a voice so loud and sarcastic that i was embarrassed. It was obvious she did not want to deal with me anymore than she had to, by the way she kept arching her eyebrows, and acting like she was eager to to walk away.she took my receipt, so she could make sure my sandwich could be done to my specs. But by the time my sandwich did come, i had already finsihed my soup, and fruit. That alone, ruined my meal. But i felt, on top of that, like my face had just been hit by a ton of shaved ice by the way the mean manager was shouting down at me her high perch.
She brought me my sandwich...still shouting down to me, to tell me she'd be back to see how i liked the new sandwich. I wish i could make a video of the way she was shout-talking at me......it would totally describe what it was like....thast this lady was being abusive to me. I was so upset that i could feel all the muscles in my face contort nto one of my famous looks of distress that i get when i'm upset so deep down inside, but can't meltdown.
Through all of this....i remained calm----i never once raised my voice---she did all the shout-talking down to me. I asked to have her come back to my table to remind her that i am autistic and that her yelling was not appropriate. Though she now lowered her voice, she still belittled me, saying that i just had to get used to it, it is the way she talkes. I knew that was bull. I asked her where Lindsay and all the others were---and she said they were all in the new store up in San Luis Obispo--that i was stuck woith her now, and the new workers..and that i'd just have to get used to them now. Then, when she went back behind her counter---i could actually hear her complain to one of the other girls: "Oh yea, and she was also saying i was yelling at her!!" OKAY!!!! THAT was IT for ME!!!!! I didn't like being continued to be talked at and down to like this---and THEN when i overheard her complaining about me not liking her loud yelling.....so....when i finally finished my last delicious but ruined juicy red seedless grapes.....i went to refill my tea...and i went and while the lady was in the back, i asked the other girl if she had indeed made remarks about me...she said yes...so....i had the lady called back out...and i requested to have my money refunded.
Yes, i did have my entire meal refunded. But....this was yet anither case of downright discrimination of a disabled person, all because this manager felt she could get away with it----and all the more reason why we have to get the message out there that this knd of crud cannot, and should not, be tolerated any longer.
Please feel free to comment and share this on your walls. If anyone of you want to know the name of the establishment where this incident occured, you can private message me, and i will tell you. I feel that this lady should be fired, or at least that she should work in a department or job where she does not have to deal with the public, because dealing with the public means just that: you have to learn to deal with everyone who comes into your establishment with equal respect and dignity--and if someone is a person who has special needs, you need to have the training to be able to accomodate that person's needs. All it takes is for people to have love, acceptance, and patience for all people. If a person doesn't have that, than they need to look for work elsewhere.
Thank you and God bless!!!! <3<3<3<3
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Rivers Of Tears, Rivers Of Heartaches
Sometimes i think i just want to roll right up into a ball and give up---deactivate my whole Facebook account and turn off the computer and just-----lie back on my couch and wait for God to take me Home.
I ache huge rivers whenever i see my brothers and sisters, sisters in laws, and nieces and nephews all interacting....when i see that they are laughing, and having fun, all over Facebook....and i am not able to ever join in---i always just have to stand way up in the stands and watch them all from afar.....because they will not let me befriend them.
My family..and they have to be strangers to me...this is a hurt that i cannot just forget and shove under the rug as it hurts like a never ending stab wound right in my side all the time.....
I ache the same when a friend who was once close...suddenly loses it with me and goes off on me because she can't handle me anymore, and she turns viciously angry with me----then she cuts me off at the knees.
When i do sleep...sometimes my dreams are so beautiful...all these beautifully woven tapestries woven together of all the places i long to see but cannot in real life.
A few mornings ago, i dreamed that i was staying in a nice New York City apartment right in the center of Mid-Town Manhattan. All through this dream, i wandered up and down the streets, seeing Central Park, and it ended with me eatting at a small diner, having breakfast for dinner. It was still light outside, as the days were getting longer, and the waitress, a middle-aged blonde curly headed lady, was very nice to me. My dream ended, and i awoke to one of my very painful stomache upsets. Painful stomache upsets that i have quite often, because of all my stress and worry.
It took me two hours to get my stomache calmed down again...and then i went back to sleep again...and this time i dreamed that i was in Milwaukee, staying in a huge airy penthouse apartment with all these other ladies who were interior designers who worked with HGTV. It was Springtime, and evetything was all green and there were lots of flowers all around. Nearby Lake Michigan was a beautiful, sparkly shade of dark blue, shimmering in the noonday sun. I was all excited and happy....and i felt so at peace there. I had my own rental car, and was going to even take a drive that afternoon down to South Milwaukee to see my friend Tricia.
Then i awoke again to more hot rods...and the cold harsh reality that i was NOT in Milwaukee, but still living here on Mean Bully Monster Street.
That afternoon i found out that my mother had talked to my aunt again--and--once again, even though my mother told her how serious things are getting for me now, with my legs and the street, my aunt made no mention of helping me, and that was that.
I try to be happy and upbeat...but it is hard to keep positive when all of the doors seem to stay shut.
So...i just continue to write....with the hopes that someday the right person will see these notes and blogs...and i will finally be rescued from this pit. So that i, a middle-aged autistic lady, can finally have a life that is at least halfway bearable to live.
God bless you, everyone!! <3 <3 <3 <3
I ache huge rivers whenever i see my brothers and sisters, sisters in laws, and nieces and nephews all interacting....when i see that they are laughing, and having fun, all over Facebook....and i am not able to ever join in---i always just have to stand way up in the stands and watch them all from afar.....because they will not let me befriend them.
My family..and they have to be strangers to me...this is a hurt that i cannot just forget and shove under the rug as it hurts like a never ending stab wound right in my side all the time.....
I ache the same when a friend who was once close...suddenly loses it with me and goes off on me because she can't handle me anymore, and she turns viciously angry with me----then she cuts me off at the knees.
When i do sleep...sometimes my dreams are so beautiful...all these beautifully woven tapestries woven together of all the places i long to see but cannot in real life.
A few mornings ago, i dreamed that i was staying in a nice New York City apartment right in the center of Mid-Town Manhattan. All through this dream, i wandered up and down the streets, seeing Central Park, and it ended with me eatting at a small diner, having breakfast for dinner. It was still light outside, as the days were getting longer, and the waitress, a middle-aged blonde curly headed lady, was very nice to me. My dream ended, and i awoke to one of my very painful stomache upsets. Painful stomache upsets that i have quite often, because of all my stress and worry.
It took me two hours to get my stomache calmed down again...and then i went back to sleep again...and this time i dreamed that i was in Milwaukee, staying in a huge airy penthouse apartment with all these other ladies who were interior designers who worked with HGTV. It was Springtime, and evetything was all green and there were lots of flowers all around. Nearby Lake Michigan was a beautiful, sparkly shade of dark blue, shimmering in the noonday sun. I was all excited and happy....and i felt so at peace there. I had my own rental car, and was going to even take a drive that afternoon down to South Milwaukee to see my friend Tricia.
Then i awoke again to more hot rods...and the cold harsh reality that i was NOT in Milwaukee, but still living here on Mean Bully Monster Street.
That afternoon i found out that my mother had talked to my aunt again--and--once again, even though my mother told her how serious things are getting for me now, with my legs and the street, my aunt made no mention of helping me, and that was that.
I try to be happy and upbeat...but it is hard to keep positive when all of the doors seem to stay shut.
So...i just continue to write....with the hopes that someday the right person will see these notes and blogs...and i will finally be rescued from this pit. So that i, a middle-aged autistic lady, can finally have a life that is at least halfway bearable to live.
God bless you, everyone!! <3 <3 <3 <3
Thursday, February 10, 2011
A New Update, And Why I Cancelled An Appointment
I was very depressed all day today......and i still am. I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, so i slept for the past three hours after my soap operas were over. Before i go on in this note/blog, i want to explain that i am not writing this to slam anyone, but to explain my circumstances, for the sake of education, as to how difficult it is to exist as an autistic adult who has never, ever had the therapy and treatments she has needed all of her life so that she can learn how to get along and cope in life. I want to explain why i am the way i am, why I do the things the way that i do...plus why i had to cancel a doctor's appointment that i had on Tuesday of this week. I am writing this because of some very unfair, cruel allegations that were made about me that i need to defend myself on, that resulted from me cancelling that doctor's appointment.
Number one, it is not easy for me to have and keep friends, because of how complex and sensitive i am. Even so, i am a people person anyway-----i actually love to be around people, and i actually do quite well around people who are warm and friendly and accepting of me. But---sadly, i had to finally end a friendship that i had with a local individual who was attempting to get me healthcare and services, because she did not have alot in the way of patience and understanding of me. We kept butting heads, because of the way she would react and deal with me. This was only adding to my sensory issues....and was causing me to have horrible meltdowns where i was beginnning to go off on her. Sadly, this lady did not have the ability to listen to me when i wanted and needed to talk and vent...she wanted to fix me...and that was the main thing that finally ended up hurting our friendship. I know that i am an extremely complex, difficult and needy person to deal with......but i truly i cannot help that!!!! It is because i am autistic, and my brain and whole body and system are wired a certain way. It is because of the way i grew up, it is because i have had so many a bad experience with neurotypical people who don't take the time to really listen to me, understand and get me, and because of the unhealthy, oppressive environment that i have had to live trapped in for the past 20 years, that is the reason why it has now become even more of a challenge for me to get the healthcare and help that i know i need. I am now so deathly afraid of going to see a doctor by myself...because of all of the bad experiences i have had over the years in doctor's offices, both with doctors and the office staff, mistreating me because they either cannot or won't understand me. For one thing, i am highly allergic to most medication, and also have a long history of other very adverse reactionxs to them, so i take vitamins and minerals instead. I do not want to be forced to have to quit taking my vitamins, and take meds instead, because meds would only further add to my disabilities, and i am afriad of being even more incapacitated than i already am, due to the side effects. I live alone.....and what if some med i was on caused my whole body to just lock up on me? There i would sit, unable to call 911, so i could get an ambulance to take me to the ER!!!! Or, how about meds that would stifle and totally take away my creativity and unique personality that i happen to like? Or--how about if i was always too tired and dizzy to drive myself to the grocery store to do my grocery shopping so i can have milk and cereal and food to eat? Those are things that i am NOT willing to have to endure, on top of the prison i am already in!!!!!
This person who was my friend, said alot of things that are plain wrong----and cruel.
I am NOT afraid to seek medical attention, nor am i using my autism as a crutch...nor are my financial problems self-inflicted either!!!!!!! I cannot work.....so my government assistance is the only help i have. Should i have to live my life totally in a box just because i am on government entitlements? Just live without ANY outlets and pleasures at ALL????? For one, i dop NOT eat out because it's a luxury to me...i eat out because i am unable to handle cooking full-on for myself, other than to heat up microwave entrees that i can easily just pop in the microwave. I eat out so i can get the things i cannot cook at home----things like eggs, baked potatoes, vegetables, etc., that i cannot cook for myself. And furthermore....i DO NOT blow my money on frivolous things either!!!!! I pay all of my monthly bills on time...and i adhere to a set budget, every single month!!!!! Dear God in Heaven-----i should not even have to be spending my energy writing this note/blog defending myself like this tonight. I so wish that more people would take the time to UNDERSTAND autism...and how it IS--REALLY IS-----for us who are on the autism spectrum!!!!!!! Have patience with us!!!!! Let us talk, write, vent, and be who we are, and stoop judging us and trying to FIX and CURE us-----PLEASE!!!!!! Life would be SO much easier, if we could have this from the neurotypical world!!!!!!
As for my issues with seeking medical care, the solution that my ex-friend came up with, was for me to finally get hooked up with a clinic that is located way over in another local city, where this lady lives, because she knows all the doctors there, and to set up all of these doctor's appointments up for in the mornings, so that it would fit her schedule, since she also has two boys on the spectrum who she has to give her atention to in the afternoons. This was so she could better advocate for me. Well, that would have been fine......except that, 1), i have an older car, a '95 Toyota Tercel, that needs some repair work done on it. 2), Gas prices are now up to $3.49 a gallon here on the Central Coast of CA----and are expected to rise even higher, and, 3), this other local city where my ex-friend lives, is located 25 miles Southwest of here, on highways that are very hilly, somewhat winding, and much of it is isolated ranchland that i must drive through to get there. Since i have real trouble staying on a set sleep schedule anyway.....mornings are usually my roughest times for me to get going, and i cannot always make appointments that are set in the mornings, due to that. I tend to do alot better after noon, so afternoon appointments are alot easier for me to handle because of this.
Lately, it has once again become harder for me to get to sleep at a reasonable time....as i am once again getting to sleep later and later, and later, again. That is how my sleep schedule goes.....it is like a circle that is ever changing, ever evolving....never ending.
On Sunday night, i had asked my ex-friend to please cancel my appointment, because i was having too much trouble getting to sleep again, and felt i wouldn't be able to get going in time to make my Tuesday appointment. Even so, the clinic still called, the following morning, with an automated, not live, announcement, to let me know that i still had this appointment. I went to call my ex-friend, all freaked out that my appointment still hadn't yet been cancelled, and she misunderstood, accusing me of jumping down her throat, when i didn't mean it at all to be jumping down her throat....and we had a blowout over it. I told her that i would rather switch to a clinic hat is closer to me, and she could drive here to go with me to this doctor instead...and she said it wouldn't work, so i hung up, frustrated and angry. I called her later on that night, and we began arguing again, because everything i said seemed to all be wrong.
I went to bed that night, very late, because i was so upset about all the arguing...and, as a result, woke up the next morning, Tuesday, at 5:30 in the morning, with a stomache ache so horrible, i felt that i was going to actually die. I am sharing this again, not to slam this ex-friend, but to illustrate how, for those of use who are on the spectrum----how hard it is for us to just jump through other people's hoops---how hard it is for us to live up to the expectations other people try to set for us. I can only do what i can handle....i can only move at a certain pace...and this is because...i just can't do it any other way!!!!!! It isn't that i am trying to be difficult....it is that i just don't have the capabilites that other people do!!!!!!!!!
I would LOVE to be able to do better than this!!!!!!!. And this morning, i did call Medi-Caid to have my medical clinic switched to another clinic that is only 7 miles North of here, as opposed to the 25 miles of isolated highway i would have to drive to go to my ex- friend's clinic----because again, unlike this lady's cruel allegatuions, i am NOT trying to get out of seing a doctor!!!!!! I KNOW i need medical attention----and i am going to seek it!!!!!!!! I just now have to try to muster the courage to go visit some local churches and see if they can find a kind soul who would be willing to go with me to this new doctor...in the afternoon...so i won't have to go there all by myself.
I am trying, everyone!!!!! Please continue to keep me in your prayers, and please don't stop being my friends!!!! I pray for my ex-friend too. I pray that this whole world will become a nicer, kinder, gentler place again....because i so hate the fighting and meanness that is so prevalent in today's world. Please hug someone you care about today. Smile at a stranger as they pass you by. Smile at the autistic adult you meet. Give them a chance. Give us all a chance, and please don't get mad and give up on us when we mess up and do it wrong sometimes!!!!!!!
God bless!!!!! <3<3<3<3
Number one, it is not easy for me to have and keep friends, because of how complex and sensitive i am. Even so, i am a people person anyway-----i actually love to be around people, and i actually do quite well around people who are warm and friendly and accepting of me. But---sadly, i had to finally end a friendship that i had with a local individual who was attempting to get me healthcare and services, because she did not have alot in the way of patience and understanding of me. We kept butting heads, because of the way she would react and deal with me. This was only adding to my sensory issues....and was causing me to have horrible meltdowns where i was beginnning to go off on her. Sadly, this lady did not have the ability to listen to me when i wanted and needed to talk and vent...she wanted to fix me...and that was the main thing that finally ended up hurting our friendship. I know that i am an extremely complex, difficult and needy person to deal with......but i truly i cannot help that!!!! It is because i am autistic, and my brain and whole body and system are wired a certain way. It is because of the way i grew up, it is because i have had so many a bad experience with neurotypical people who don't take the time to really listen to me, understand and get me, and because of the unhealthy, oppressive environment that i have had to live trapped in for the past 20 years, that is the reason why it has now become even more of a challenge for me to get the healthcare and help that i know i need. I am now so deathly afraid of going to see a doctor by myself...because of all of the bad experiences i have had over the years in doctor's offices, both with doctors and the office staff, mistreating me because they either cannot or won't understand me. For one thing, i am highly allergic to most medication, and also have a long history of other very adverse reactionxs to them, so i take vitamins and minerals instead. I do not want to be forced to have to quit taking my vitamins, and take meds instead, because meds would only further add to my disabilities, and i am afriad of being even more incapacitated than i already am, due to the side effects. I live alone.....and what if some med i was on caused my whole body to just lock up on me? There i would sit, unable to call 911, so i could get an ambulance to take me to the ER!!!! Or, how about meds that would stifle and totally take away my creativity and unique personality that i happen to like? Or--how about if i was always too tired and dizzy to drive myself to the grocery store to do my grocery shopping so i can have milk and cereal and food to eat? Those are things that i am NOT willing to have to endure, on top of the prison i am already in!!!!!
This person who was my friend, said alot of things that are plain wrong----and cruel.
I am NOT afraid to seek medical attention, nor am i using my autism as a crutch...nor are my financial problems self-inflicted either!!!!!!! I cannot work.....so my government assistance is the only help i have. Should i have to live my life totally in a box just because i am on government entitlements? Just live without ANY outlets and pleasures at ALL????? For one, i dop NOT eat out because it's a luxury to me...i eat out because i am unable to handle cooking full-on for myself, other than to heat up microwave entrees that i can easily just pop in the microwave. I eat out so i can get the things i cannot cook at home----things like eggs, baked potatoes, vegetables, etc., that i cannot cook for myself. And furthermore....i DO NOT blow my money on frivolous things either!!!!! I pay all of my monthly bills on time...and i adhere to a set budget, every single month!!!!! Dear God in Heaven-----i should not even have to be spending my energy writing this note/blog defending myself like this tonight. I so wish that more people would take the time to UNDERSTAND autism...and how it IS--REALLY IS-----for us who are on the autism spectrum!!!!!!! Have patience with us!!!!! Let us talk, write, vent, and be who we are, and stoop judging us and trying to FIX and CURE us-----PLEASE!!!!!! Life would be SO much easier, if we could have this from the neurotypical world!!!!!!
As for my issues with seeking medical care, the solution that my ex-friend came up with, was for me to finally get hooked up with a clinic that is located way over in another local city, where this lady lives, because she knows all the doctors there, and to set up all of these doctor's appointments up for in the mornings, so that it would fit her schedule, since she also has two boys on the spectrum who she has to give her atention to in the afternoons. This was so she could better advocate for me. Well, that would have been fine......except that, 1), i have an older car, a '95 Toyota Tercel, that needs some repair work done on it. 2), Gas prices are now up to $3.49 a gallon here on the Central Coast of CA----and are expected to rise even higher, and, 3), this other local city where my ex-friend lives, is located 25 miles Southwest of here, on highways that are very hilly, somewhat winding, and much of it is isolated ranchland that i must drive through to get there. Since i have real trouble staying on a set sleep schedule anyway.....mornings are usually my roughest times for me to get going, and i cannot always make appointments that are set in the mornings, due to that. I tend to do alot better after noon, so afternoon appointments are alot easier for me to handle because of this.
Lately, it has once again become harder for me to get to sleep at a reasonable time....as i am once again getting to sleep later and later, and later, again. That is how my sleep schedule goes.....it is like a circle that is ever changing, ever evolving....never ending.
On Sunday night, i had asked my ex-friend to please cancel my appointment, because i was having too much trouble getting to sleep again, and felt i wouldn't be able to get going in time to make my Tuesday appointment. Even so, the clinic still called, the following morning, with an automated, not live, announcement, to let me know that i still had this appointment. I went to call my ex-friend, all freaked out that my appointment still hadn't yet been cancelled, and she misunderstood, accusing me of jumping down her throat, when i didn't mean it at all to be jumping down her throat....and we had a blowout over it. I told her that i would rather switch to a clinic hat is closer to me, and she could drive here to go with me to this doctor instead...and she said it wouldn't work, so i hung up, frustrated and angry. I called her later on that night, and we began arguing again, because everything i said seemed to all be wrong.
I went to bed that night, very late, because i was so upset about all the arguing...and, as a result, woke up the next morning, Tuesday, at 5:30 in the morning, with a stomache ache so horrible, i felt that i was going to actually die. I am sharing this again, not to slam this ex-friend, but to illustrate how, for those of use who are on the spectrum----how hard it is for us to just jump through other people's hoops---how hard it is for us to live up to the expectations other people try to set for us. I can only do what i can handle....i can only move at a certain pace...and this is because...i just can't do it any other way!!!!!! It isn't that i am trying to be difficult....it is that i just don't have the capabilites that other people do!!!!!!!!!
I would LOVE to be able to do better than this!!!!!!!. And this morning, i did call Medi-Caid to have my medical clinic switched to another clinic that is only 7 miles North of here, as opposed to the 25 miles of isolated highway i would have to drive to go to my ex- friend's clinic----because again, unlike this lady's cruel allegatuions, i am NOT trying to get out of seing a doctor!!!!!! I KNOW i need medical attention----and i am going to seek it!!!!!!!! I just now have to try to muster the courage to go visit some local churches and see if they can find a kind soul who would be willing to go with me to this new doctor...in the afternoon...so i won't have to go there all by myself.
I am trying, everyone!!!!! Please continue to keep me in your prayers, and please don't stop being my friends!!!! I pray for my ex-friend too. I pray that this whole world will become a nicer, kinder, gentler place again....because i so hate the fighting and meanness that is so prevalent in today's world. Please hug someone you care about today. Smile at a stranger as they pass you by. Smile at the autistic adult you meet. Give them a chance. Give us all a chance, and please don't get mad and give up on us when we mess up and do it wrong sometimes!!!!!!!
God bless!!!!! <3<3<3<3
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Just An Update!! :)
Today is a beautiful sunny, but crisp and cold Sunday morning. Christmas and New Years have come and gone......and i am ready for this year to be my year that things start happening!! To that end, i have finally begun work on my life story. I began writing this on Christmas Eve, at the encouragement and urging of my neighbor, Garrison. As of today, i am already up to chapter 28, page 167, and the year, 1983....the summer of that year. This is an often very painful and tough story to tell, as i have been through a great deal of very traumatic things in my lifetime. But it is my fervent hope and prayer that this will get published......as the autism community needs to hear our voices......the voices of those of us who go through it daily and even moment-by-moment.
My writing goes in spurts. Right now, i am busy trying to get into see a doctor about my legs. I also suffer from a condition called lymphodema on both legs...and when i am under alot of stress, or i have bumped my legs, my legs break out into ulcers. That part of my story will also be included in my book, by the way. The lymphodema was caused by me not being able to sleep laying down in a bed for the past 6 years. I have, instead, had to sleep, sitting up and back, on my couch, with my legs down, for these past 6 years. The overall stress that i have been through, all of my life, first with my family, and the schools i went to, and then, for the past 20 years, with this street that i live on, where, for the past 20 years, i have had no choice but to keep living here, where i get tormented and terrorized daily, by several mean men in several nearby auto shops----has thrown my whole body even more out of whack, my hormones included. And it caused me to become addicted to eating, way back when i was in high school. As a result, i am now, at the age of 50 years, morbidly obese, and have to, on top of it all, face alot of taunts and teasing about my size, too.
I was born autistic...but nobody ever saw this until i was well into adulthood...and i still am unable to secure the help and services i have needed so badly all of my life. I have, instead, been relegated to what has so far, amounted to a life sentence me of living on government entitlement programs that barely allow me to be able to get by, month-to-month. I still have so many dreams and goals of being able to travel and see New York City, New England, New York State, Washington DC, the sunrise over the Atlantic Ocean, Michigan, and Wisconsin....and, because of my love for all music indie rock, alternative, underground hip hop, electronic, and Christian rock....i would still love to get into radio. I also love to draw and write.
My whole family are well-aware of my plight. I even have an aunt and uncle who are also well-aware, and who have the money and resources to help me to be able to get these services. He is a very well-known, famous, and rich sports personality. But.....my cries continue to fall on deaf ears.
I am worried all the time about my circumstances. I have now set up a page here on Facebook called Help Melissa Move. Please type it in the search bar, and click like to support me. And please feel free to leave your comments on what you are feeling, or thoughts about my case.
And so now, i am focused on getting my life story, finally, out to the public. I will continue to be on Facebook, everyday. I will continue to be friends with all of you who are willing to stick by me. I sometimes get the feeling that some of you are getting angry at, or tired of me. I hope that this isn't the case....i love you all...and it would mean alot to have you all continue to stick by me, please. And, if anyone wants to help me with my story...i am open to your help, too, with this.
Thank you all and God bless you. :) <3<3<3<3
My writing goes in spurts. Right now, i am busy trying to get into see a doctor about my legs. I also suffer from a condition called lymphodema on both legs...and when i am under alot of stress, or i have bumped my legs, my legs break out into ulcers. That part of my story will also be included in my book, by the way. The lymphodema was caused by me not being able to sleep laying down in a bed for the past 6 years. I have, instead, had to sleep, sitting up and back, on my couch, with my legs down, for these past 6 years. The overall stress that i have been through, all of my life, first with my family, and the schools i went to, and then, for the past 20 years, with this street that i live on, where, for the past 20 years, i have had no choice but to keep living here, where i get tormented and terrorized daily, by several mean men in several nearby auto shops----has thrown my whole body even more out of whack, my hormones included. And it caused me to become addicted to eating, way back when i was in high school. As a result, i am now, at the age of 50 years, morbidly obese, and have to, on top of it all, face alot of taunts and teasing about my size, too.
I was born autistic...but nobody ever saw this until i was well into adulthood...and i still am unable to secure the help and services i have needed so badly all of my life. I have, instead, been relegated to what has so far, amounted to a life sentence me of living on government entitlement programs that barely allow me to be able to get by, month-to-month. I still have so many dreams and goals of being able to travel and see New York City, New England, New York State, Washington DC, the sunrise over the Atlantic Ocean, Michigan, and Wisconsin....and, because of my love for all music indie rock, alternative, underground hip hop, electronic, and Christian rock....i would still love to get into radio. I also love to draw and write.
My whole family are well-aware of my plight. I even have an aunt and uncle who are also well-aware, and who have the money and resources to help me to be able to get these services. He is a very well-known, famous, and rich sports personality. But.....my cries continue to fall on deaf ears.
I am worried all the time about my circumstances. I have now set up a page here on Facebook called Help Melissa Move. Please type it in the search bar, and click like to support me. And please feel free to leave your comments on what you are feeling, or thoughts about my case.
And so now, i am focused on getting my life story, finally, out to the public. I will continue to be on Facebook, everyday. I will continue to be friends with all of you who are willing to stick by me. I sometimes get the feeling that some of you are getting angry at, or tired of me. I hope that this isn't the case....i love you all...and it would mean alot to have you all continue to stick by me, please. And, if anyone wants to help me with my story...i am open to your help, too, with this.
Thank you all and God bless you. :) <3<3<3<3
Friday, December 17, 2010
Why I Write, Part Two
On Monday of this week, i came onto Facebook to find that a very old friend from my teen years, had commented on two of my recent posts, where i was expressing the fears that i often have concerning the way my physical health has been lately, due to my situation and circumstances. Earlier, two weeks ago, i had asked this lady to please read all of my notes and blogs. I was hoping that by reading my story, she would understand, and i would have another friend and ally. The total opposite happened. On Monday of this week, i came onto my Facebook newsfeed to find that this lady had penned some rather horrible mean things about me in the comment threads. I was way beyond appalled and shocked at the things that she said. Among the things she said to me were that:
1) I am not a good Christian because i go online and "air my family's dirty laundry and dog on them all over the interwebs."
2) That i am on a huge pity pot.
3) That ALL i post are negative posts..that all she sees in my posts and blogs are only negative rants, and that i need to write about the positive things that happen, for once in my life.
4) That there are others who need help far more than i do..and that i should just shut up and make the most of what i have.
This lady really went off on me. Many of you read these comment threads, and came to my defense. Thank you, by the way, for doing so. The lady unfriended me before i had the chance to fully defend myself, so i emailed her on her Facebook, as she did not yet have me blocked, to make one more attempt at trying to explain my plight..because she had me all wrong. This only made things worse. The lady wrote me back, and told me first, that i needed to chill out a bit..and then, in "ALL CAPS", went onto say that me and my friends were attacking her, and that she never, ever wanted to hear from me ever again.
This lady was someone who me and another local friend, had gone to high school with together....and when we were all in high school, this lady was sweet and compassionate towards me. She had even gotten some Mean Girls in her group, to start treating me nice. When we were all in high school together, this lady and i would also spend alot of time in the classes we had together, writing friendly chatty "Girlfriend" notes back and forth..and when the teachers would allow us to have a break, before the bell would ring, we would sit and talk. Needless to say, when i saw this lady's cruel remarks on my Facebook wall this past Monday......i was crushed!! Not only has she changed..but she was now attacking me as a person....She even went so far as to call my autism an "illness".
Once and for all.....to all people who do not understand....i am not a negative person at heart!!!!! Neither do i walk around throwing huge pity parties. Neither do i come on here to slam my family for the sake of being mean to them, as that lady implied. I am on here, because i am in dire straits and am reaching out for HELP. At the same time, i am on here to educate everyone, both in the autistic community, and those who are non-autistic..about how life is for most of us who are on the autism spectrum, who are Baby Boomers. It is true, that most of my posts are negative in nature..but that is the sad reality of my situation. It is also true that i do write and vent alot about my hurts that i grew up in a family where i didn't feel welcomed and loved...and to this day, i am ostrascized and cut off by most of them..and how it still hurts me. I don't see that as me dogging on my family. My writing is my therapy. Having you all come along to support me when i write and vent, helps me to see that i am not alone..that my feelings are okay..and vaildated. When i talk about how the bully monsters are all getting to me, you all understand that this is a serious matter...and a huge part of my problems.
That lady, however...could not seem to see things that way. All she seemed to want to do was to dog on me for feeling like i do...it was almost as if she wanted to hurt me, because she was hurting..and i just happened to conveniently be on her wall that day, so she could lash out on me. It was abusive..and i ended up blocking her, after i could see that she wanted nothing to do with rekindling our old friendship.
My point is...i am now kind of afraid to keep writing. But i know that then these kinds of people, who still seem to harbor intolerance towards the special needs community as a whole....will win, because they don't want us to have a voice...and i don't want that. So, what do i do? Let these kinds of people shut me up...or keep doing what i do..in hopes that i will finally get help...and also in hopes that i will end up helping a young child's mother be able to better understand how to treat her autistic child, because of what i wrote? Or that a sister will become more patient with her autistic brother because of what i wrote? I have actually had people thank me for writing, for just those very reasons!!!!
So..i guess i will still keep writing..and hope to God that all of my true friends will continue to stick by me, even though i can get into some pretty deep, dark moments sometimes....even though i AM a Believer. To anyone who wants to judge me harshly and say that if i am a Christian i shouldn't be thinking this way, or that way, or writing about things that are bothering me....i say this..Christian does not make one perfect. We are still multi-dimensional, imperfect human beings; we still make mistakes; we still feel; we still hurt....we still live....but for others to judge and conndemn us where we are at in life......is WRONG!!!!
"Judge not, lest you be judged yourself..for if you show others mercy, God will show you the same amount of mercy....but if you judge others harshly, you will also be judged as harshly."
We are all human beings......and we all stumble and fall. But Greater is He who is in me..than he who is in this world...and i also say that NO weapon formed against me will prosper.
I love you all!!!! God bless you, everyone, this holiday season!!!!!!
Love,
Melissa
I also want to add as a disclaimer at the end of this note, that even though i have the lady who verbally attacked me blocked from ever contacting me again on Facebook, as this is originally a Facebook note that i wrote, that she may still have access to my blogs and try to come on here to attack me some more. If this happens, i will not hesitate to report her to the appropriate authorities. If she does not like what i have to say, she does not have to subscribe to or read my writings.
1) I am not a good Christian because i go online and "air my family's dirty laundry and dog on them all over the interwebs."
2) That i am on a huge pity pot.
3) That ALL i post are negative posts..that all she sees in my posts and blogs are only negative rants, and that i need to write about the positive things that happen, for once in my life.
4) That there are others who need help far more than i do..and that i should just shut up and make the most of what i have.
This lady really went off on me. Many of you read these comment threads, and came to my defense. Thank you, by the way, for doing so. The lady unfriended me before i had the chance to fully defend myself, so i emailed her on her Facebook, as she did not yet have me blocked, to make one more attempt at trying to explain my plight..because she had me all wrong. This only made things worse. The lady wrote me back, and told me first, that i needed to chill out a bit..and then, in "ALL CAPS", went onto say that me and my friends were attacking her, and that she never, ever wanted to hear from me ever again.
This lady was someone who me and another local friend, had gone to high school with together....and when we were all in high school, this lady was sweet and compassionate towards me. She had even gotten some Mean Girls in her group, to start treating me nice. When we were all in high school together, this lady and i would also spend alot of time in the classes we had together, writing friendly chatty "Girlfriend" notes back and forth..and when the teachers would allow us to have a break, before the bell would ring, we would sit and talk. Needless to say, when i saw this lady's cruel remarks on my Facebook wall this past Monday......i was crushed!! Not only has she changed..but she was now attacking me as a person....She even went so far as to call my autism an "illness".
Once and for all.....to all people who do not understand....i am not a negative person at heart!!!!! Neither do i walk around throwing huge pity parties. Neither do i come on here to slam my family for the sake of being mean to them, as that lady implied. I am on here, because i am in dire straits and am reaching out for HELP. At the same time, i am on here to educate everyone, both in the autistic community, and those who are non-autistic..about how life is for most of us who are on the autism spectrum, who are Baby Boomers. It is true, that most of my posts are negative in nature..but that is the sad reality of my situation. It is also true that i do write and vent alot about my hurts that i grew up in a family where i didn't feel welcomed and loved...and to this day, i am ostrascized and cut off by most of them..and how it still hurts me. I don't see that as me dogging on my family. My writing is my therapy. Having you all come along to support me when i write and vent, helps me to see that i am not alone..that my feelings are okay..and vaildated. When i talk about how the bully monsters are all getting to me, you all understand that this is a serious matter...and a huge part of my problems.
That lady, however...could not seem to see things that way. All she seemed to want to do was to dog on me for feeling like i do...it was almost as if she wanted to hurt me, because she was hurting..and i just happened to conveniently be on her wall that day, so she could lash out on me. It was abusive..and i ended up blocking her, after i could see that she wanted nothing to do with rekindling our old friendship.
My point is...i am now kind of afraid to keep writing. But i know that then these kinds of people, who still seem to harbor intolerance towards the special needs community as a whole....will win, because they don't want us to have a voice...and i don't want that. So, what do i do? Let these kinds of people shut me up...or keep doing what i do..in hopes that i will finally get help...and also in hopes that i will end up helping a young child's mother be able to better understand how to treat her autistic child, because of what i wrote? Or that a sister will become more patient with her autistic brother because of what i wrote? I have actually had people thank me for writing, for just those very reasons!!!!
So..i guess i will still keep writing..and hope to God that all of my true friends will continue to stick by me, even though i can get into some pretty deep, dark moments sometimes....even though i AM a Believer. To anyone who wants to judge me harshly and say that if i am a Christian i shouldn't be thinking this way, or that way, or writing about things that are bothering me....i say this..Christian does not make one perfect. We are still multi-dimensional, imperfect human beings; we still make mistakes; we still feel; we still hurt....we still live....but for others to judge and conndemn us where we are at in life......is WRONG!!!!
"Judge not, lest you be judged yourself..for if you show others mercy, God will show you the same amount of mercy....but if you judge others harshly, you will also be judged as harshly."
We are all human beings......and we all stumble and fall. But Greater is He who is in me..than he who is in this world...and i also say that NO weapon formed against me will prosper.
I love you all!!!! God bless you, everyone, this holiday season!!!!!!
Love,
Melissa
I also want to add as a disclaimer at the end of this note, that even though i have the lady who verbally attacked me blocked from ever contacting me again on Facebook, as this is originally a Facebook note that i wrote, that she may still have access to my blogs and try to come on here to attack me some more. If this happens, i will not hesitate to report her to the appropriate authorities. If she does not like what i have to say, she does not have to subscribe to or read my writings.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
The Reasons I Write---An Open Letter To My Family
I Have Reasons For My Writing..An Open Letter To My Family
by Melissa Fields on Saturday, November 27, 2010 at 4:32pm
I know that certain people in my family have been complaining a great deal about my writings, and the radio shows that i did earlier this spring. To all of you in my family, i am sorry that my writing and speaking seems to be making most of you uncomfortable and even embarrassed.....but i have a story to tell.....i am an autistic adult who has fallen through the cracks so much in my life..and to top this off, grew up in a family who, for the most part, have never accepted me or been there for me. Today, because of my circumstances, i have ended up being trapped in a neighborhood for the past 19 years, where there are several mean men who delight in terrorizing the living daylights out of me on an almost daily basis....i am merely trying to use my writing and speaking as a means to work through the very real traumas that i have been through. And to get help for myself. I have yet to tell my full complete story.....but this is my story.....i went through all of this.....and am still going through it.....
My only intentions, besides finally being able to get help for myself...are to educate the public out there on the realities of what life can be like for an autistic middle-aged female who grows up like i have grown up...i am not out to slander anyone, to bad-mouth anyone, or be mean to anyone...i am simply telling the facts.......of how it has been for me. I am a Christian who loves Jesus with everything i have in me.....i have NO reason to lie or to be mean to anyone. Yes, i still have a great deal of still unresolved emotional and mental battle scars from all that i have been through..and i would be lying if i said that i still do not experience a great deal of anger and resentment, all of which stems from all of the mega hurts that i have endured in my life......but.....i have found a vehicle: my writing, as a means of channeling my anger and hurt...........into words.
I would only HOPE and PRAY that my writings would speak to all the hearts of my family members who have chosen to harden your hearts to me......i pray that your hearts would soften.....and then there would be a time that you would all do some honest soul-searching as to the things that i have written and spoken about......
I really hurt because of how most of you in my family have chosen to treat me......and how you still choose to deal with me....i have made honest attempts through the years, to try to reach out, to explain my hurts, to try to facilitate mended fences between us all...and instead, it has driven most of you further away from me.....
Dear family, i am the first to admit that i was not perfect either.....
i did do and say mean things alot of times, that were very hurtful to all of you too.....
when i was growing up, i did get away with alot of things that i should not have gotten away with.
And i hereby apologize for all of those things right now!!!!!!!
But was i damaged goods? Was i, please excuse the term: retarded? Was i the weirdo you all liked to always call me? Was i wrong? Was i ugly?
************NO!!!!***************
I was just trying to live my life with the tools i was given.
Even so, i always felt so ganged-up on by my family..like i could never do or say anything right....
i always did feel so VERY wrong, dirty, and ugly;
i always felt like i was in everyone's way.....
i always felt so isolated and cut off from all of you...and it became even worse when most of you, including my mother and father, all moved to Idaho!!!!! After that, alot of my Thanksgivings and Christmases became bitterly hard.....because, since you have all moved to Idaho, i have had to spend many of these holidays alone....no one in my family ever thought to spring for a plane, train or bus ticket so i could come up to spend the holidays with all of you. I would call my mom, and hear all of you talking and laughing in the background, and become so depressed because i couldn't be there!!!! In the 'Nineties, some of you were still living here....you had not yet joined the others.....yet none of you would have me down for any holidays at your houses....i do get to go to my one brother's house when he and his family are in town for Christmas, but when they aren't, my Christmas is spent alone and lonely.....in fact, my eldest brother and sister-in-law even told my mother that now that she and my dad were in Idaho, they weren't going to have any contact with me anymore, because neither of them wanted to deal with my "problems" anymore.....for several years after this, neither of them sent me any birthday or Christmas cards anymore...those stopped for awhile, till after my dad died in early 2000......
In 2005, my youngest brother even told my mother that the family BBQ's would stop if i were to move up to Idaho, because he didn't want to deal with any of my meltdowns at the family BBQ's..........
I don;'t know how clearer i can make this, dear family....but i can assure you all that i am NOT out to trash anyone in my family...just tell my story, because i sincerely feel, in my heart of hearts, that this story **must** be told.
Please pray about my words, dear family. Please understand, once and for all, where my heart is at with this. I am autistic..i have a mission..to educate, to enlighten people, and to help others who may be doing this to their loved ones who are on the spectrum as well. In doing so, i am also trying to work through my own hurt. In doing so, i am also trying to reach all of you who still harden your hearts against me.
Thank you and God bless you, everyone. <3<3<3<3
by Melissa Fields on Saturday, November 27, 2010 at 4:32pm
I know that certain people in my family have been complaining a great deal about my writings, and the radio shows that i did earlier this spring. To all of you in my family, i am sorry that my writing and speaking seems to be making most of you uncomfortable and even embarrassed.....but i have a story to tell.....i am an autistic adult who has fallen through the cracks so much in my life..and to top this off, grew up in a family who, for the most part, have never accepted me or been there for me. Today, because of my circumstances, i have ended up being trapped in a neighborhood for the past 19 years, where there are several mean men who delight in terrorizing the living daylights out of me on an almost daily basis....i am merely trying to use my writing and speaking as a means to work through the very real traumas that i have been through. And to get help for myself. I have yet to tell my full complete story.....but this is my story.....i went through all of this.....and am still going through it.....
My only intentions, besides finally being able to get help for myself...are to educate the public out there on the realities of what life can be like for an autistic middle-aged female who grows up like i have grown up...i am not out to slander anyone, to bad-mouth anyone, or be mean to anyone...i am simply telling the facts.......of how it has been for me. I am a Christian who loves Jesus with everything i have in me.....i have NO reason to lie or to be mean to anyone. Yes, i still have a great deal of still unresolved emotional and mental battle scars from all that i have been through..and i would be lying if i said that i still do not experience a great deal of anger and resentment, all of which stems from all of the mega hurts that i have endured in my life......but.....i have found a vehicle: my writing, as a means of channeling my anger and hurt...........into words.
I would only HOPE and PRAY that my writings would speak to all the hearts of my family members who have chosen to harden your hearts to me......i pray that your hearts would soften.....and then there would be a time that you would all do some honest soul-searching as to the things that i have written and spoken about......
I really hurt because of how most of you in my family have chosen to treat me......and how you still choose to deal with me....i have made honest attempts through the years, to try to reach out, to explain my hurts, to try to facilitate mended fences between us all...and instead, it has driven most of you further away from me.....
Dear family, i am the first to admit that i was not perfect either.....
i did do and say mean things alot of times, that were very hurtful to all of you too.....
when i was growing up, i did get away with alot of things that i should not have gotten away with.
And i hereby apologize for all of those things right now!!!!!!!
But was i damaged goods? Was i, please excuse the term: retarded? Was i the weirdo you all liked to always call me? Was i wrong? Was i ugly?
************NO!!!!***************
I was just trying to live my life with the tools i was given.
Even so, i always felt so ganged-up on by my family..like i could never do or say anything right....
i always did feel so VERY wrong, dirty, and ugly;
i always felt like i was in everyone's way.....
i always felt so isolated and cut off from all of you...and it became even worse when most of you, including my mother and father, all moved to Idaho!!!!! After that, alot of my Thanksgivings and Christmases became bitterly hard.....because, since you have all moved to Idaho, i have had to spend many of these holidays alone....no one in my family ever thought to spring for a plane, train or bus ticket so i could come up to spend the holidays with all of you. I would call my mom, and hear all of you talking and laughing in the background, and become so depressed because i couldn't be there!!!! In the 'Nineties, some of you were still living here....you had not yet joined the others.....yet none of you would have me down for any holidays at your houses....i do get to go to my one brother's house when he and his family are in town for Christmas, but when they aren't, my Christmas is spent alone and lonely.....in fact, my eldest brother and sister-in-law even told my mother that now that she and my dad were in Idaho, they weren't going to have any contact with me anymore, because neither of them wanted to deal with my "problems" anymore.....for several years after this, neither of them sent me any birthday or Christmas cards anymore...those stopped for awhile, till after my dad died in early 2000......
In 2005, my youngest brother even told my mother that the family BBQ's would stop if i were to move up to Idaho, because he didn't want to deal with any of my meltdowns at the family BBQ's..........
I don;'t know how clearer i can make this, dear family....but i can assure you all that i am NOT out to trash anyone in my family...just tell my story, because i sincerely feel, in my heart of hearts, that this story **must** be told.
Please pray about my words, dear family. Please understand, once and for all, where my heart is at with this. I am autistic..i have a mission..to educate, to enlighten people, and to help others who may be doing this to their loved ones who are on the spectrum as well. In doing so, i am also trying to work through my own hurt. In doing so, i am also trying to reach all of you who still harden your hearts against me.
Thank you and God bless you, everyone. <3<3<3<3
Friday, November 26, 2010
My Thoughts On Thanksgiving
My Thoughts On Thanksgiving
by Melissa Fields on Friday, November 26, 2010 at 1:20pm
Earlier today, i was reflecting alot upon all of my Thanksgiving memories during my childhood and teen years growing up, plus how my Thanksgivings were when i reached my twenties, thirties, forties, and now. I thank God that most people are not like my family.
Growing up the way i did, i can remember all of my Thanksgivings being very formal and stiff. Oh, the food was plentiful...very, very rich and delicious. We had all the trimmings...we didn't just have turkey, we also had ham, relish trays, hors d' evres, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, rolls with butter, green beans, cranberry sauce, and pumpkin pie for dessert with homemade whipped cream. I so enjoyed the good food!!!! Before the meal, along with the hors d'everes, my dad would serve the grown-ups High Balls....alcoholic drinks which consisted of Jack Daniels whiskey, and 7-Up. The kids would just get 7-Up. At the dinner table, the grown-ups would get to talk and converse...and so would everyone who was in their teens. But the children...could not talk, except to ask for someone to pass a dish around. For some reason, my no-talking rules extended well into my teens. It was only after high school that my dad lightened up alittle, and even began to allow me to have High Balls. By this time, i had begun to have better relations with my older brothers and sisters. But..i was still not allowed to joke with, or talk alot with my dad.
My baby brother, on the other hand, became quite adept, at an early age, of being such a clown at the dinner table, that my dad was simply not able to discipline him. In no time at all, CA was winning my dad's heart...and he would let CA get away with joking with him, and talking to him and everything...when i was still not allowed to.
Thanksgivings, once i reached my twenties, were much more pleasant times for me, because the older kids had now married and had children of their own...and my dad was mellowing out even more. However, i had learned long ago, while still in high school, to develop a certain facade around all of my family in order for them to accept me..and it worked.
Once i reached my late twenties and early thirties, we stopped having Thanksgiving dinners. I was now living on my own, next to two old ladies who always had me over to their house for Thanksgiving. Then, i moved over here, and began having problems and meltdowns again..and i lost the acceptance of some of my family. Then most of my family moved to Idaho...including my mom and dad, leaving me here to fend for myself...because i didn't want to move to Idaho...i had at the time, a group of awesome Christian singles friends and was heavily into that..heavily into doing things with them, so i stayed here, and began to spend all of my Thanksgivings and Christmases at people's houses in our Christian singles group.
Ever since my family all located to Idaho during the 'Nineties..i have only gotten to go there twice...but never at Thanksgiving or Christmastime. No one in my family has ever been able to or willing to spring for either a plane, train, or bus ticket, for me to go up there for the holidays. And my relations with them all have deteriorated so much now, that i don't want to go near them. I am friends with my mom and one sister who lives in Arizona...but not the rest of them. There have been many a Thanksgiving and Christmas that i have had to spend it alone, with no place to go to be with people, since my family all moved to Idaho. There are some Christmases where my brother J and his family who all still live here, will have me over for Christmas Eve dinner and a visit. But..he doesn't really talk to me..i talk mostly to my sister-in-law and nephews when i go there. But when they go out of town for Christmas, i am alone.
Today, i have a wonderful family of autism community friends here on Facebook who all "get" my autism.
I have a neighbor who also "gets" my autism.
And i also now have a local friend who i went to high school with, who also "gets" my autism, as she has two sons who are on the spectrum.
Today, i went to her mom's house for Thanksgiving dinner and i had the most beautiful, wonderful time and visit...i was accepted by all of them...nobody there looked down on me because i am too morbidly obese, and too full of little quirks and my own unique little fun goofy-sillies.
In fact, you know what? I no longer have to put on an air with most people...because i have been able to learn how to like and even love myself the way i am!!!!! I have also learned how to tell people that i meet in public about my autism, and my quirks and needs, and what accomodations i need...and you know what? MOST of these people are okay with me..and they understand and have compassion....so...i need to just forget the ones who still do not accept me, right????
I wish i could learn to do that too...because, man, if i could learn to just "Brush the dirt off my shoulder, and move on", like Jay-Z once said in one of his 2004 hit hip hop songs..i'd be so much better off....but it still hurts when i am dissed and shunned..when i get those derisive looks and stares and giggles..and oink-oinks...and...especially when my family still won't let me friend them on Facebook, or have their email addresses and phone numbers. It still hurts when i don't ever get a phone call or letter from them, or when i know they are down here visiting, and they don't stop in to see me and take me to lunch or dinner. It hurts to go to my brother J's for Christmas, and i try to talk to him, but he and i have the same exact stilted, stiff relationship that i had with my father.
Thanksgiving...family....think about it. The holidays can more often than not, be very heart-wrenching times for people. All because their are families out there who haven't taken the time to mend old fences....or to accept those in their families who might be differently-abled than they are. So many people commit suicide during the holidays....the suicide rates jump up even more during holiday season, because of just what i am talking about here. It does not have to be this way. if there is any of you out there reading this, who may have a brother or sister, aunt or uncle, mother or father, or son or daughter, that you have had issues with....please try to sit down with that person or persons, if you are able to, and try to make peace. If you can't, then just pray about it, and let God work on these people's hearts. I do not know if i will ever be able to make peace with the ones in my family who have hardened their hearts against me...all i can do is pray for them, that God will quicken and soften their hearts. I know that i am a good person..i have done no deliberate, intentional wrong that i can think of...except be born autistic.
Even so..i did much reflecting earlier today, on how all of my Thanksgivings from my earliest memories to now, at the age of 50 have been...and mixed in with all the hard ones...are alot of ones that have been total blessings to me. This year's Thanksgiving was one of the good ones..i was really blessed today, by my neighbor, my mom, and by my friend and her family whose home i was in today. Thank you, Sherry, Terry, Loretta, Melody, Thomas, Thomas, Thomas, Cassie, Zach, and Loren, for the awesome time and food!!! God bless you all!!!!
God bless all of you, my dear, wonderful friends!!!!! <3<3<3<3
by Melissa Fields on Friday, November 26, 2010 at 1:20pm
Earlier today, i was reflecting alot upon all of my Thanksgiving memories during my childhood and teen years growing up, plus how my Thanksgivings were when i reached my twenties, thirties, forties, and now. I thank God that most people are not like my family.
Growing up the way i did, i can remember all of my Thanksgivings being very formal and stiff. Oh, the food was plentiful...very, very rich and delicious. We had all the trimmings...we didn't just have turkey, we also had ham, relish trays, hors d' evres, mashed potatoes and gravy, stuffing, rolls with butter, green beans, cranberry sauce, and pumpkin pie for dessert with homemade whipped cream. I so enjoyed the good food!!!! Before the meal, along with the hors d'everes, my dad would serve the grown-ups High Balls....alcoholic drinks which consisted of Jack Daniels whiskey, and 7-Up. The kids would just get 7-Up. At the dinner table, the grown-ups would get to talk and converse...and so would everyone who was in their teens. But the children...could not talk, except to ask for someone to pass a dish around. For some reason, my no-talking rules extended well into my teens. It was only after high school that my dad lightened up alittle, and even began to allow me to have High Balls. By this time, i had begun to have better relations with my older brothers and sisters. But..i was still not allowed to joke with, or talk alot with my dad.
My baby brother, on the other hand, became quite adept, at an early age, of being such a clown at the dinner table, that my dad was simply not able to discipline him. In no time at all, CA was winning my dad's heart...and he would let CA get away with joking with him, and talking to him and everything...when i was still not allowed to.
Thanksgivings, once i reached my twenties, were much more pleasant times for me, because the older kids had now married and had children of their own...and my dad was mellowing out even more. However, i had learned long ago, while still in high school, to develop a certain facade around all of my family in order for them to accept me..and it worked.
Once i reached my late twenties and early thirties, we stopped having Thanksgiving dinners. I was now living on my own, next to two old ladies who always had me over to their house for Thanksgiving. Then, i moved over here, and began having problems and meltdowns again..and i lost the acceptance of some of my family. Then most of my family moved to Idaho...including my mom and dad, leaving me here to fend for myself...because i didn't want to move to Idaho...i had at the time, a group of awesome Christian singles friends and was heavily into that..heavily into doing things with them, so i stayed here, and began to spend all of my Thanksgivings and Christmases at people's houses in our Christian singles group.
Ever since my family all located to Idaho during the 'Nineties..i have only gotten to go there twice...but never at Thanksgiving or Christmastime. No one in my family has ever been able to or willing to spring for either a plane, train, or bus ticket, for me to go up there for the holidays. And my relations with them all have deteriorated so much now, that i don't want to go near them. I am friends with my mom and one sister who lives in Arizona...but not the rest of them. There have been many a Thanksgiving and Christmas that i have had to spend it alone, with no place to go to be with people, since my family all moved to Idaho. There are some Christmases where my brother J and his family who all still live here, will have me over for Christmas Eve dinner and a visit. But..he doesn't really talk to me..i talk mostly to my sister-in-law and nephews when i go there. But when they go out of town for Christmas, i am alone.
Today, i have a wonderful family of autism community friends here on Facebook who all "get" my autism.
I have a neighbor who also "gets" my autism.
And i also now have a local friend who i went to high school with, who also "gets" my autism, as she has two sons who are on the spectrum.
Today, i went to her mom's house for Thanksgiving dinner and i had the most beautiful, wonderful time and visit...i was accepted by all of them...nobody there looked down on me because i am too morbidly obese, and too full of little quirks and my own unique little fun goofy-sillies.
In fact, you know what? I no longer have to put on an air with most people...because i have been able to learn how to like and even love myself the way i am!!!!! I have also learned how to tell people that i meet in public about my autism, and my quirks and needs, and what accomodations i need...and you know what? MOST of these people are okay with me..and they understand and have compassion....so...i need to just forget the ones who still do not accept me, right????
I wish i could learn to do that too...because, man, if i could learn to just "Brush the dirt off my shoulder, and move on", like Jay-Z once said in one of his 2004 hit hip hop songs..i'd be so much better off....but it still hurts when i am dissed and shunned..when i get those derisive looks and stares and giggles..and oink-oinks...and...especially when my family still won't let me friend them on Facebook, or have their email addresses and phone numbers. It still hurts when i don't ever get a phone call or letter from them, or when i know they are down here visiting, and they don't stop in to see me and take me to lunch or dinner. It hurts to go to my brother J's for Christmas, and i try to talk to him, but he and i have the same exact stilted, stiff relationship that i had with my father.
Thanksgiving...family....think about it. The holidays can more often than not, be very heart-wrenching times for people. All because their are families out there who haven't taken the time to mend old fences....or to accept those in their families who might be differently-abled than they are. So many people commit suicide during the holidays....the suicide rates jump up even more during holiday season, because of just what i am talking about here. It does not have to be this way. if there is any of you out there reading this, who may have a brother or sister, aunt or uncle, mother or father, or son or daughter, that you have had issues with....please try to sit down with that person or persons, if you are able to, and try to make peace. If you can't, then just pray about it, and let God work on these people's hearts. I do not know if i will ever be able to make peace with the ones in my family who have hardened their hearts against me...all i can do is pray for them, that God will quicken and soften their hearts. I know that i am a good person..i have done no deliberate, intentional wrong that i can think of...except be born autistic.
Even so..i did much reflecting earlier today, on how all of my Thanksgivings from my earliest memories to now, at the age of 50 have been...and mixed in with all the hard ones...are alot of ones that have been total blessings to me. This year's Thanksgiving was one of the good ones..i was really blessed today, by my neighbor, my mom, and by my friend and her family whose home i was in today. Thank you, Sherry, Terry, Loretta, Melody, Thomas, Thomas, Thomas, Cassie, Zach, and Loren, for the awesome time and food!!! God bless you all!!!!
God bless all of you, my dear, wonderful friends!!!!! <3<3<3<3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)