What My Autism Means To Me

What My Autism Means To Me~~For Autistics Speaking Day 2011
by Melissa Fields on Tuesday, November 1, 2011 at 1:31am
My autism
cannot just be shut off
and taken off
like it is a jacket
I was born this way
I will die this way
I have alot to say
I wish people would take
the time to listen to us
and open their minds and hearts
to us..we are not bad..we are not
mean, selfish people
we are not brats
we have hearts
we feel empathy
we feel, dream, hope
and we care just like you all do
who are normal
we cry, we hurt, we bleed just like you all do
take the time to get to know me
to get to know all of us who are
on the autism spectrum
to hear our individual stories
to see how we cope
to see how our mids process life
before you even attempt to try to come in
to help us, to fix us
we don't need fixing
we just need help and friends and support
judge us not until you have '
walked a week or two in our shoes
beofre you judge and convict us so harshly
let us stim, lt us dream, let us have our bubbles
that we retreat to when the world
becomes so hurtful and unbearable
when we are not able to talk and verbalize
please don;'t jump to conclusions as to
what it is we are trying to say
give us the time to express it when we are able to
I just want to be loved and accepted
for this is a neurological disorder that cannot be cured
only love and patient guidance can help us
to be able to live with our autism
autism is a spectrum of indivual people
We have a voice
we have alot to say
read our stories
get to know each of us
before you judge us and please
don't walk away and give up on us
because we are too complex and hard to reach
because that will only bruise and discourage us even further
Thank you and God bless you, everyone!!!!!!

I Am In Serious Need, Everyone!!

I Am In Serious Need, Everyone......
by Melissa Fields on Wednesday, October 19, 2011 at 7:32pm
This is a reprint of a note i wrote in April.

I Am In Serious Need, Everyone......
by Melissa's Move on Tuesday, April 26, 2011 at 3:19am
I am writing this note because i do not want to lose my health, nor do i want to lose my independence, nor what little quality of life that i have left. I am in serious need here. My physical health..has gone so far downhill because of....where i am at. I can easily make all kinds of caring, beautiful, wonderful friends all over Facebook..most of whom do not flake out on me when things become a challenge....or if have meltdowns. You all are always here to lift me up..and to encourage me along..and to God i give all the glory for all of you who care about me. I so wish you could all live here..what a joy my life would be then...i would no longer feel as if i am on a deserted island without ppl to call upon when i have a need....i would have someone to go with me to my doctor's appointments, and to help me to even get that lawyer i so desperately need, so i can fight to get the business across the street to make their employees and customers stop bullying and terrorizing me. I'd have someone to help me with my technical problems and issues.

I also am in desperate need of a a full-time helper lady.....because it has become even more of a struggle for me to even do my own laundry or even wash my own hair now. I can no longer change my own underwear, or change my own pants, or clip my own toenails, or put on new socks...without it hurting me sooooo very much!!!! I am afraid to take a shower because i fear falling in the shower...and i canot reach certain parts of my body anymore. I'm sorry for being graphic..but this is how bad it is getting for mme now, everyone!!!! I cannot even handle cooking for myself anymore. I even have a hard time unloading and putting away my groceries now. I so badly need tech support for my computer, because certain things are beginning to happen on it..that will need attention sooner or later. I still do not know how to use my iPhone that i got a month ago....!!!!!

Three weeks ago, i was finally able to attend a local church, where i got to talk to the pastor, who promised to help me to learn how to use my iPhone..and i also met two couples there who also promised to help me. But all week went by, and I never heard from the two couples i had met, other than short wall posts on my pages...so i went back two Sunday nights ago...and found that one of the couples wasn't there..the pastor left early before i could talk to him about my iPhone..and the other couple who were going to give me the tech support, were very cold and unfriendly towards me. In addition...everyone else at this church...all blew past me like i wasn't even there that night. To make matters worse, tonight, i found out that the one lady who had friended me from that church, the one whose husband was going to help me with my computer and iPhone...had removed me as a friend, without telling me why, and then set her settings so that i would not even be able to send her any messages. What does this kind of thing tell me, when it keeps happening over and over and over again? I am not a leper, nor am i a criminal...i am autistic...and i had thought that these ppl whom i had met understood autism.....

I do not know what i am going to do now. My mother does not have the money to move me. If i move on Section 8...i would not be able to find suitable housing on Section 8 here because all of the Section 8 places that are in this area, are all in the unsafe areas of town. Neither am i willing to go in for any weight loss surgeries, because those are very dangerous, risky things.

I know i could lose weight and bounce back...if i had a stable local support network..and a way to move to a quiet safe place, where i'd still have good high speed internet and easy access to my favorite grocery stores and restaurants.

I realize that Wisconsin is a pipe dream..but...i do have family up in Idaho..my mother is there..and so are two brothers and two of my sisters. I could move there...if i had a way to do so.

I need a way out....i am perishing here. Will someone please help me????

My Medical Nightmare

Yesterday's Nightmare....And....How I'd Love Things To Be
I have bad lymphodema on both of my legs, as most of you who know me, know....basically, this is a veinious insufficiency, which causes the swelling and sometimes even open sores which i cannot take care of myself, due to my weight issues....and is a resul...t of me not being able to sleep laying down anymore, i must sleep siting up and back on my couch now...and have had to sleep this way for the past seven years. I have been trying to get a medical provider so i could get the leg treatments and leg therapy again on my legs. Well, last week i had my first leg appointment with a kind lady named Diane. She washed and wrapped my legs perfectly, and was very patient with me about how i wanted my socks to be put on and everything......but when i set up my next four appointments, i was told i would be seeing the other lady, Connie, a lady who i had had problems with in the past when i had seen her two years ago. I told Diane of my fears, but Diane said it would be okay, so i decided to give Connie another try. Well, at yesterday's appointment, Connie was okay with me at first. We talked about music and the nice town she lives in that is 20 minutes North of where i live, and how i'd love to live there. We also talked about autism, and how my autism manifests. She seemed understanding at first, and seemed to do a wonderful job at washing and massaging my legs, too. However, problems began to arise when she would touch my feet...they tickled alot when she would touch them, so i would laugh and jerk them away from her touch as an automatic reflex....so she finally ended up losing her patience, making a remark that made me feel very uncomfortable...yes, she probably may of meant it to be teasing, but i didn't like the manner with which she said what she said to me...her remark, said in a loud voice, with her eyebrows arched and a snarky look on her face was: "Oh, you know, i can really make your feet tickle! Just watch me! Oh yea, i can really make them tickle!" That remark and attitude left me kind of afraid of her, because i did find it to be harsh. Then, when she began to put the lotion on my legs....she put it on my left leg and left foot, and massaged it in real nicely, which felt very good, and then put the lotion on my right foot, but not my right leg at all. She began to set about dressing and wrapping my legs, so i stopped her and politely asked her to please put the lotion on my right leg. She snapped at me, saying she had already put it on my right leg. Too afraid to say anything now, i let it go at first...but it really bothered me, so much that i had to say something, so i then told her again that i knew she did not put the lotion on my right leg, and to please put the lotion on. She got impatient with me again, but then did put the lotion on, telling me that i may have to buy them lotion if i keep asking for more lotion, which i wasn't doing...i was asking her to do what she had not done and was supposed to do. So she dressed and wrapped my legs. But then, when she began to put my socks on, she put them on where they were wrinkling and bunching up on my feet, and i asked if she would please put them on tighter, because with the wrinkles, and if they aren't put up and over the back of my heels tightly they ride up on my feet, and i really feel it and it affects how i walk...she again snapped at me, giving me another one of her hooded eyelid looks, saying "Oh, you want to put your own sock on?" I said, "I hope you aren't going to be mean to me." She said "I will be patient with you if you will work with me." I replied that i am trying to work with her, that i am autistic...that i do not try to be difficult, i am autistic. She then went onto complain how hard it is to work on me....in fact, she seemed to not want to help me at all then, and i had to also ask her to help me get my shoes on, too. Because opf my weight, i have an awful time working with my bodsy below my hips, due to my weight....and Connie was well aware of this. We parted, with her saying goodbye in a loud sarcastic tone of voice....that didn't feel nice to me either. I know i was not accepted by her...as she also had begun to complain how hard it was to work on my legs...... I went to get my iced tea and food for my dinner and came home to eat, as the scenes of that appointment played over and over in my head. I posted about it on Facebook....but was too tired and depressed to stay on and talk to everyone. Now that i have had some rest, i am up and writing about this. People.....autism is something that is....we cannot take oit off and act like the world wants us to act and perform. I am nice to people....but i always seem to get treated like i am a piece of dirt or a dirty sack of potatoes....and this, especially in doctor's offices and medical offices.....needs to be addressed and dealt with. I have been routinely discriminated against by this particular physical therapy place that i am forced to go to for my leg treatments, by the supervisor who runs it, and by people like Amy, another lady who i had had the leg treatemnts with, and by Connie, who is loud and snippy. I am also taken way back in the back, away from the front offices and away from everyone, where i feel more isolated and more of an easier target for this kind of treatment...and this frightens me and worries me sick...that Connie could be even more mean next week when i see her again. I feel i have no choice in the matter....and if i say i want Diane to treat my legs, then i will be forced to go in earlier, which will be even more of a challenge...hardship...for me to do. What i want from these places is reasonable accomodation for my disabilities. An office where the staff all know me by name and greet me like they are excited and glad to see me come. A place where i am cared about, and positively affirmed. A place where my meltdowns are understood. A place wher i feel i belong.....where i don't feel as if i am a burden. Yesterday, one of my Facebook friends posted about how it is for her where she gets her medical care, how they accomodate her so well....i hope she will repost her story in the commnets on this thread, by the way, ....because that is how things should be in medical offices and hospitals. Not the cruddy treatment i keep getting, over and over and over. Especially when i do not feel that i do anything to warrant this kind of awful treatment.

Why Can't My Family See?

Why Can't My Family See?
by Melissa Fields on Thursday, March 31, 2011 at 1:31pm
Well, i guess i don't have the love of my sister Pam again....lately when she emails me all the way from the National Forest in Arizona where she lives with her husband, she once again is lambasting me for going and blowing all my money on candy, CD's and books when i got upset in the past....even though it was in the past that i did that.....and also lambasting me for getting myself into debt.....then lambasting me for not seeing my street issues from "another perspective", or the fact that i am being bullied and terrorized so much that my house has turned into a prison, is somehow because i refuse to see thngs from a "different perspective".

Well, i ask, how can one see things from a "different perspective" when one is autistic, when one reaches out....to her family..and to agencies...who...all continue to ignore her to this day.....and who all still refuse to understand her and help her? And when that autistic person IS being terrorized in her own home????

Why, God, did You see fit to let me be borne into a family, who today, all see me as a curse?
Why, dear God, why are my family so blind?
It just rips my heart out and tears me up to pieces......that they will not help me.....that they will not support me.....

The good news is that i do now have a doctor who i love...and i am finally going to get a full blood workup done, and my legs treated again.

But why, oh why, won't my family accept me and be here for me?

Melissa's Move

I created my Melissa's Move Facebook page as a way to garner help so that i can make a move because i am today, still being bullied and terrorized. I really do not want to have to move from here, as this is my home. My mother owns this house, and the house next door to it, and she rents the tiny cottage i live in, to me via Section 8, so i will never be homeless. However, i am facing the prospect of having to move, because there are several mean men who work in 4 nearby auto repair businesses here...who, because of other neighbor issues i had in the past with some mean girls back from 1992 thru 1997, and then large transport trucks barreling thru here at all hours of the day and night, and my complaints and meltdowns that i have had because of all of that....these men suddenly began to wage a loud and vicious war against me in my own home. They got some of the other businesses in on their war too...and my life...has never been the same since.

Couple with that, the fact that i am autistic and already have bad sensory issues with certain types of loud noises and when ppl are mean to me...i meltdown when under these conditions...and then cannot function normally on any level.

Well...unfortunately....try as hard as i did over these past twenty years to reach out for a resolve to my dilemma....today, these problems still exist and fester and manifest...and there are some days that i am in such a terrible meltdown mode because of what is taking place not more than 20 feet from my house that i literally become paralyzed....as that is how close my house is to this street. I cope most days, by keeping both my TV stereo speakers and computer speakers turned up loud, to cover the outside racket and mayhem. I stay, literally holed up in fear and terror everyday, in this house, with both TV and computer turned up loud, and my curtains always shut tightly for fear if i open them to let in a litttle sunshine, the monsters will drive by and yell, rev their motors and honk at me, and when i do have to venture out to go to the bank, or to the grocery store...i have to wear thick heavy headphones to and from my car, so i won't have to hear these men banshee yell or lay on the horns of their vehicles as i pass from my front door to my car....then i have to try to time my trips so i come back when thy have all gone home for the day...and i can get back to my house without incident.

All of this...has worn on me so greatly, that now my physical health is failing....and...it is failing badly. For you see, when a city just looks the other way and allows one of its most vulnerable citizens to just live with this, endure this, and just cope with this...and they don't do a damn thing to help resolve...and i mean really resolve this bully issue, so i can live here in peace...then, i am put under a stress so huge that everything is affected. The way i see, the way i smell, the way i taste all of the food i eat, the way i am not able to relax and enjoy a good book or movie, or the dawn of a new day unfold, with its beautiful shades of pinks and oranges....this affects my whole sleeping cycle and the way i even digest my food.

Often, i am so paralyzed by my fear of these men and the mean things they do just to antagonize me....that it takes me forever to get dressed and out the door to do stuff. My joints ache and hurt all the time now, from the weight that this has put over me. I can barely walk thru a grocery store now, without alot of pain. I am gaining weight and now weigh 340 pounds now, because of the stress. it causes cortisol to form mostly in the midsection of a person's body, the worst place that a person can have weight gain. My legs are now in Stage Two lymphodema, and look like elephant trunks now, they are so swollen..and they often drain, which adds to my further discomfort.

Now...all of my childhood dreams of being able to act, go to modeling school, be a rock radio deejay, and to get to travel and see places like Upper Michigan, Mackinac Island, Wisconsin, New England, New York City and New York State, our nation's capitol.....are all just that...dreams that i may now never get to achieve, because now i am on a sort of Death Row with my health, waiting for God, in His mercy, to just take me Home. No..i will never harm myself. But i do sometimes pray that God will just take me...life hurts SO very badly for me sometimes. No one should have to hurt like this just because they are disabled and cannot work to better their lives.

I have tried reaching out to every agency here: County Mental Health, Tri Counties Regional Center, Cares, Inc., Transitions Mental Health, People's Self Help Housing, the police, the city council of this town, to other city officials...and also to the area newspapers, and TV media outlets. No one here want to help, or is able to help.

I fall through the cracks..and i have always fallen through the cracks.

If i just could find someone kind, who would go with me to the local electronics store so i wouldn;t get taken and ripped off by the salespeople there...i would go get that videocamera and start recording all of the shenanigans these monsters pull. I do have over twenty VHS tape recordings of alot of the stuff they have done, that i was able to record from July of 2005, to February of 2007. But the system broke, so i now have nothing again.

To cope...i went and got a loan and several credit cards, and have, over the course of all these years, racked up approx. $8,700 dollars in debt, trying to myself the best that i could from these unbearable circumstances. One, was that i love indie rock alternative and underground music so much, that i began to really hate and dread driving, because all i had in my car, was an antiquated AM/FM cassette stereo. So i took out a loan to buy a nice CD stereo radio sound system which included XM satellite radio, so i would not have meltdowns in my car anymore. Then i went and bought all the good music i wanted and liked..and lots of books and all my favorite DVD movies. I also used the money to get out of here everyday, when it was so bad that i couldn't stay here.

Yes..i wish i had not of done all of that...but...hey, when you are made to feel like you can;t enjoy your home..and can;t be or exist in reasonable peace.....it does things to you....alot of weird things...inside and out.

It is not just money i need..i also need to have a local network of autism community friends. I need for the bullying to stop. I need for my city leaders to start caring. I need my family to care. I need a way out.....a permanent way out. I will probably never be able to work at a regular job now, because of what the past twenty years has done to my whole body, both physically and emotionally and neurologically...so i instead, need to find a way to make money by selling my life story, all of the poetry that i have written, and my artwork that i used to do. I need a way out, so that when my mother passes away someday...i will not be even more alone and floundering even more than i am now.

This...is why i have my Melissa's Move page on Facebook.

My Doctor's Appointment Today

My Doctor's Appointment Today
by Melissa Fields on Thursday, March 17, 2011 at 8:55pm
Hi Everyone!!!!

I want to say a HUGE thank you to all who prayed for me that my doctor appointment with my new primary care doctor would go well today.

Well.....things did, and did not work out for me. The doctor that i was going to see, was not a good fit for me, as there was a huge personality clash right off the bat between her and i. I am a very complex person, in large part due to my autism/sensory issues, plus what i have had to endure here at my house for the past twenty years, so this didn't surprise me. Luckily, i was able to speak right up and advocate well for myself with the nursing staff, who were all very nice and easy to work with. I told them my concerns and fears, and they were veery understanding. They set me up to talk to that clinic's supervisor, another kind lady who totally knew all my issues with autism, sensory issues, and how it is hard for me to get along with people who are blunt, strict, and stern...so she set me up right away with another doctor here in their Santa Maria clinic, who she said will definitely be a good fit, because he works with alot of autistic people, and he is very friendly, very mellow, very open and compassionate. My new appointment with my new doctor will be on Tuesday, March 29th at 4:15 PM. Luckily for me too, is that this clinic is all networked in together with the same clinics in Lompoc, which is too long of a drive for me, Nipomo---where i went today----Santa Maria, my hometown,---where i will be going on the 29th----and a bunch of others here on the Central Coast...so i do not have to change anything or fill out anymore new forms.

I am proud of myself for actually taking charge and turning what could have been another trainwreck into a good experience today. I was able to actually take another sack of lemons that i got handed, and turn it into lemonade today. When i actually felt like running out of that clinic several times while i was there!!!!

I feel hopeful that i am on my way, headed in the right direction now.

Sometimes it is a process to find the right medical provider...and sadly, i had to go through several long years, decades, of sheer hell to finally find good medical help. These new community clinics seem to be all about being here for us patients....and not for them...so that, in itself, give me a renewed hope in our healthcare system.

Lord---Please Have Mercy On Me!!!!!

Lord..Please...I Have Had Enough...PLEASE Have Mercy On Me!!!!!!!!!
by Melissa Fields on Saturday, March 5, 2011 at 2:37pm
An autistic Baby Boomer who is perishing, because my family and community still ignore me to this day!!!!

As each day dawns fresh and new...i wake up briefly...and then will myself right back asleep, because, instead of being able to hear and enjoy the birds outside...i have amplified, electronic music, and my television both playing to shut out the supersonic loud hot rods and motorcycles that i know are going to parade past my house each morning...Lord...what, in Heaven's name did i ever do to deserve this hell i have to live in? And why is it so impossible for me to get hooked up with the help i need so that i can have better than this? My legs are so swollen now, they are swollen so tight now, due to stage two lymphodema, with sores that sometimes open up and ooze....all because i can no longer sleep in a normal bed...i have to slep sitting up and back on my couch, with my legs down. I can barely walk, even around my house anymore, because i have gained so much weight that my back and hips and knees hurt.......why, you may ask, have i let myself go like this?

it is the constant tension and anxiety i am under, because i never have enough money to do pleasureable things...only enough to eat, pay my bills, and survive through each month. It is the pain and anguish i feel, everyday, because i have never been able to work or do anything to better these circumstances...i just have to endure ths daily diet of barragement from all of the mean men who work in these five businesses on this street that i live on who bully and terrorize me on an almost daily basis....the local police do not care anymore...they will not even take the time to understand, and just have labeled me a chronic complainer..and so has the mayor of my city.....and everyone, all turns a deaf ear to me...i cry so loud that my throat often becaomes so very hoarse.....but still, no one will hear me......the tension.....makes me so crazy...the tension makes me so out of control in so many areas that i am not even eating right anymore. I am gaining weight hand over fist...i am spending on credit cards, to help make ends meet, to try to make this cage more bearable to live in. On top of that, i cannot even handle cooking....i am a mess.....an autistic Baby Boomer adult who has shut down, because her community and most of her family...all choose to ignore her and shove her in the corner like an old, dirty bag of clothes that the family wants to donate to the local homeless shelter.

Some mean people will say...well, why don't you just kill yourself? Believe me...i do think about it...alot!!!!! But what stops me...is my Christian faith. Even so....i will often will look to the sky and beg my Heavenly Father to just take me Home and be done with it.

I am fifty years old....i will be fifty-one in May. I do not want to die. I want my health and well-being back. I want a chance to be able to fulfill my lifelong dreams and goals, once and for all. I want my friends and family to care and to rally around me. This is way too much for me to bear alone anymore. I do not want to lose my independence.....but i do need help....i don't need to be fixed or cured myself...but i do need to move...and i do need a way to be able to have a better life existence than what the government aid i am on provides for me.....i want to LIVE, for once in my life....please.....it should not have to be like this for so many of us autistic adults.......we are living, breathing human beings.....and i am hurting way beyond what i can even bear anymore because of the circumstances that i am trapped in....!!!!!!!!

I want so very much to be able to travel and see all the places that i have pictures of, both on the walls of my house, and my computer....of New York state, New York City, Washington DC, New England, Maryland, Virginia, The Great Lakes States, Mackinac Isalnd, Michigan, etc. I long to be able to have my own internet/satellite radio station/company, that will play freeform stations of indie rock, Christian rock, indie hip hop, electronic, even country for you folks who like country.....i have dreams.....i have goals...to also help other children and adults who are autistic, to be able to realize their full potentials in life...so they don't have to live their whole adult lives, like i have had to, wasting away on meager government entitlements.

Will SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME???????????????????? Will someone please tell my story???? Will people please start caring???????? PLEASE????????