If I Could Do So Tonight, I Would......

If i could do so tonight, and i still had my car sitting in my carport in working order and could still drive it.....i would take all the money i have, pack my car to the gills, and head straight up to Idaho to temporarily live with my mom and nice sister, or in a hotel near them, only until i am able to get myself on to Michigan.

If i could do so tonight, i would be in a quiet warm house with all nice neighbors all up and down my street who treat me like i am one of their family. Not this frightening hell hole with all these mean men who are tormenting me to death. 

If i could do so tonight, i would be up at the coast listening to the waves outside of the hotel window i would have rented for myself for the whole weekend.

If i could tonight, and i had the money, i would see to it that i was first set solidly up for life, and then if i had enough left over, and if it was alot of money, i would start up community based housing and support services that would give all Autistic adults real time help, advocacy, vocational training, life skills training, all assistive speech technology, all the tools needed to be able to have a decent life. This program would in NO way be used to fix, cure, or do away with us, but instead, it would be a safe place where we can be who we are. In addition i would see to it that our government would include extensive civil rights laws that would really punish ANYONE who EVER bullied, tormented, or held us back in any way. Anyone caught abusing us, and treating us as less than would be held accountable.

If i could tonight, i would do all i could to make this world an Autistic friendly place. No more would we be subjected to caregiver abuse of any kind, or any abuse, period!!

If i could tonight, i would be in Michigan living near my friend and her family, and we would do all the fun things we as the non-biological sisters would do. We would spend many a night gazing up at the stars in either my backyard or hers, and when the Northern Lights are putting on their show, we would be marveling in awe at them together.

If i could do so tonight, i would teleport myself all over and see all of my Facebook friends.

If i could do so tonight, i would do all of these things.....all of these things......all of them. Every single one of these things.

Seriously.

More Thoughts On Why I Need To Make This Move To Michigan

More random thoughts from me, an Autistic adult who will be 54 years old in May......who refuses to shut up and go away just because some people want me to!!

The following is taken from a message i was just posting to my friend, and re-edited into this blog:

First of all, when i move to Michigan, i will want to live where there are the fewest power outages possible, as i majorly freak out if the power goes out in the middle of the night. I would want to stock up on power failure lighting and keep enough batteries on hand for if and when power failures occur. I know Michigan has alot of storms, both in the summer and winter, so i want to be prepared. And i want to live where there won't be any risk of floods, as that will freak me out too. I am paranoid about fire, floods, and power outages, as well as certain loud noises. Like the ones i have to hear here on my current street.

For all who don't yet know, the reason i am moving to Michigan, is because, as an Autistic adult, i don't have any services and supports here. I don't even have much support from my city's police---more on that later.

MI has all kinds of supports, programs, and services for Autistic adults.

Here in CA, i don't even have family to call upon, as they all live out of state now, and the one brother who still lives here, now ignores me too. The friends i do have here, are very few, and i am not very close to any of them....and they are all always very busy with their busy schedules and lives. So, i cannot call upon them either.

Here in CA, i have had to endure the trauma of having several of my caregivers walk out on me, and i also went through three caregiver relationships where i was abused and exploited---big time.

I also had to endure the loss of several close friendships that really meant the world to me.

I have also had to endure several neighbors bully and terrorize the living daylights out of me also, for the past 23 years of living in my current neighborhood.

I have had to endure the trauma of being denied healthcare time and again, and as a result, watching my legs swell up, because of being denied treatment. Now i have a basketball-sized tumor on my left inside thigh because of the lack of medical care, and my inability to be able to make all of my neccessary medical appointments.

I have had to endure both my physical as well as mental health go downhill because of all of this.

I am anxious and depressed all the time.

My only hope at being able to salvage what is left of my health and well-being is to move out of my home state...to the state of Michigan.

I know that when i am in Michigan, that the friend i have there, and her family will NOT leave me hanging and stranded whenever i have needs, and i also know they will not EVER dismiss me as being a drama queen or too high maintenance. Nor will they EVER tell me that i am hiding behind the shadow of my Autism, or using my Autism as any excuse.

My other reason of choosing Michigan, is that i really love the scenery there, all of it, and do want to explore that state. I also want to get my life story as an Autistic who has lived my life misunderstood, and who has fallen through the cracks all along so far,

published,

and i want to write and pursue educating the world about Autism and the plight of Autistic adults, even more after that.

I also want to get more into computers and graphic design and art.

I know in my heart of hearts, that i will have a fresh start in Michigan.

I realize i will be leaving a state that i have been familiar with my whole life, as well as the perfect weather we have here most of the time. In Michigan, i will contend with snow, ice, and subzero temps in the winter. And humidity, thunderstorms, and mosquitoes in the summer.

But i have to go.....too much has happened here now that has ruined things for me here, too many not just bad memories, but very traumatic memories. It is my strong view that those who i have had bad problems with here in Santa Maria's Good Ole Boy Network,

which does include

the police,

the ex-mayor,

schoolkids,

the auto shop,

and a few other families,

including the family of the mean girls who started all of my troubles here back in April of 1992....have all helped to ruin any chance i have of success and a decent life here.

So yeah, i need to move.

Michigan seems to be my ticket to freedom.

Now I Am REALLY Angry....I Got Told I Am "Too High Maintenance" Again!!

More rantings from a soon to be 54 year old Autistic adult who is fed up with being ignored and shunned by my own community.......

......And....the next damn bozo who tells me that i am "TOO high maintenance" again, is going to get a damn good punch in the face!! I will defriend, delete, block, slam the door shut in your face, yell, tell you to eff off, and whatever else applies...because.....for the last time....i am NOT TOO HIGH MAINTENANCE....I AM AUTISTIC!!!!!!!!!!

Today, i was visited by a church pastor and his wife. Throughout my almost 54 years living on Mother Earth, i have learned to develop a strong distrust of teachers, cops, church priests, nuns, pastors and elders, because i have been hurt like you wouldn't believe in all kinds of churches, by all kinds of teachers, and all kinds of cops....and because, in most churches, they seem to want to cure, heal, and fix you so you will be saved and cleansed of all sin and imperfection, wiped clean, so to speak. I do still believe in God, and believe in Jesus as my Savior, oh yeah, that will never change, but i now have even more of a jaundiced and bitter view of American Christianity and American churches....because of how many times i have been misjudged, rejected, told i had demons in me, told i needed to have my Autism prayed off of me, told i was too needy, and too this, and too that. F**k it all!! Today, i gave this pastor and his wife a chance, letting them come into my home because i was told they did care, that they did want to come see me, that they did want to get to know me, that they were going to help me in any way, shape and form they could. I was told i was a blessing to them by the lady who had talked to him about me. So, i gave them a chance, because i still like to be fair and give people a chance. And i really and truly thought that this time would be different, that these two would listen to me, and accept me.

They did listen. They did listen to what i had to say.

I told them all about how i am housebound because i cannot walk, cannot walk to a bus stop, and how i now don't drive because of my leg tumor, nor do i have a car now, because i sold it in August of 2012.

I told them that i can only get out when my caregiver is here.

I told them i am all alone on weekends, lonely, and that i would love to have friends who would come see me and take me out just so i can be able to get out of the house once in awhile on these lonely weekends.

I told them how i cannot get help and services in this area, and i needed people to go with me to doctor's appointments and other places that make me nervous to go to by myself because i am scared to go these places all alone, because i am often rushed and treated badly, especially in medical offices.

I told them how i needed help to get my things packed up to get them moved/shipped off to Michigan, that i cannot do it all myself because i cannot stand, bend down, lift, etc. I told them why i am moving to Michigan. Because i am dying of lonliness and my needs are not being fully met here.

I told them all about the street and my sensory issues. Three hot rods roared through here while they were here, so they got to see how it affects me to hear that noise.

But the light bulb of understanding and compassion was not going off in their heads. At all. Even though they kept saying with their mouths that they understood, i knew they didn't "get" it. They both kept saying there was nothing they could do for me, because they were afraid of doing the wrong thing, so they would rather not get involved. And they kept saying there are only 50 to 60 people in their church. And that it is a very conservative church, complete with piano and organ. That they don't have rockin' worship with a full contemporary band.

They kept saying i was too high maintenance. They kept saying that they do not understand Autism, and are afraid of helping me because of that. They said they don't help elderly people either out of fear that they will fall, and they will do the wrong thing when they fall.

They even went so far as to tell me right out that they were actually not looking forward to seeing me this afternoon. Yes, they really said that. They said that because they already knew, before seeing me, that i would be a "high maintenance" case, and knew they would have to be brutally honest with me.

All that they could offer me this afternoon, was to talk about Jesus and do a devotional with me. All fine and well, but i was having them in my home to try to get my very real physical needs taken care of. And yes, he told me they would mention me in their group meeting tomorrow, but he said that he highly doubted that anyone would want to help me, because people are just too scared off from those who are.....**DRUMROLL PLEASE**.....here's the word again......"too high maintenance"!!

And the whole entire time they were here, Pastor's wife kept looking at me with a strange squeezed-face smiley face that i didn't like at all. That seriously added to my discomfort. I also kept noticing him looking at my mouth like that disgusted him too. Yes, i have very bad chipped teeth in front, and they are discolored, again because in CA, we adults lost our dental benefits for a very long time. For years we were without dental benefits.

The sky outside showed no sun at all today, adding to my growing sinking feeling of despair.

I felt so uncomfortable right here in my own home, and like a third class citizen being visited only as a courtesy by the rich stuffy folk. That was exactly how i felt. They actually acted as if i was a huge problem that they wanted to get away from as fast as they could. They seemed to want to just pray over me, then just leave, and drop me like a hot potato.

To top it all off, i told them that my mom had blessed me with a bag of organic puffed rice cereal, and i had opened my box to discover this, only after my caregiver had gone home, so it was too late to ask her to get me some milk for my cereal. Pastor and his wife could not find it in their hearts to even make a quick run to the closest store to get me one small half gallon of milk so i could have some cereal. I would have paid them for my milk.

Boy, and here i thought that churches are supposed to be hospitals for the weak, vulnerable, poor, hurting, widows, and orphans!!

This is why i need to move out of here. And desperately. Because this kind of thing keeps happening whenever i endeavor to try to reach out for supports and services. Because i am alone and cut off here. My elderly mother and two nice sisters live out of state, and the rest of my family also see me as a drama queen and think i am too high maintenance. Yes, THAT word again. If i didn't have a caregiver, i would definitely die. 

I hope i can get my story to the news media so someone can help me, please.

Because i am not crazy; i am not high maintenance; i am AUTISTIC.....and i WILL perish if i cannot get to Michigan soon.

"What I Wish My Parents Knew About Me When I Was A Little Girl"

                                  By Melissa Fields

                            Copyright February 2014

When i was a little girl, i wish my dad knew how much it hurt me

whenever he would punish me and yell at me for

always looking at the brilliantly hued shines in my hair 

and other people's hair all the time because i was, and still am 

quite enamored and fascinated by the way hair shines.

When i was a little girl, i wish my dad had taken the time to explain

and listen to me and let me talk

before he would raise his angry hand to hit me.

When i was a little girl, i wish my mom would not have always 

been so quick to hush me up for talking too loudly, or

for saying too many silly goofy things that seemed to always 

embarrass her.

I wish she had never thought of me as her penance.....

or as an embarrassment.

I wish my dad had let me listen to my rock 'n' roll, 

that he would have let me dance

to my favorite songs, and let me be the little girl i was.

I wish he had enjoyed being around me

and enjoyed answering all of the little girl questions 

i always had for him.

But he didn't. 

He was always too busy, and short-tempered

and could never be bothered with my questions and 

little girl silliness

in fact, he always told me i was to be seen not heard.

I wish he had known how much it would have meant to me 

to have him tell me how much he loved me, 

how much i was wanted in his life

I wish he knew how much it would have meant to me

to have him smile wide and be glad to see me

when i would walk into the kitchen each morning

instead he would barely grunt at me  

each and every morning.

But the truth is, i felt i was an intruder in my own home.

I never felt like i was wanted, nor like i mattered to my father.

I know now that my mother has always loved me, 

and she admits her mistakes now.

But sadly, i was never able to make peace with my father,

and to this day, i have very strange dreams about him

some are actually dreams where he talks to me 

and is making things right with me

other dreams are dreams where he is yelling at me again.

I am almost 54 now and i am still single

because i have never felt comfortable around men

because my father and brothers and 

the one grandfather i knew, were all stern and distant.

I wish my father knew then while i was still a little girl

when he still had the time to win my heart back to him.