To A:
You became my friend the day my main caregiver walked out——which, by the way, only happened because she did not want me to feel afraid in my own home anymore——which only happened because she and i were both putting up walls of defense…..because we both did not understand each other during the time she was my caregiver for the first 15 months. My main caregiver is now back with me, and she has been back with me for a month now, and i know she cares about me and has my back with everything. She now does understand and gets me, because during her time away, she took the time to read over my blogs again, and to then watch several of my YouTube videos.
A, after you and i became Facebook friends, you also took the time to read my blogs and watch my YouTube videos. You also told me you already understood alot about Autism anyway, because you have a sibling who is Also Autistic. I loved the way you and i seemed to connect right off the bat, and loved getting to chat with you via Facebook. I was so looking forward to my new friendship with you.
When C left, i had a caregiver, M, who at first was nice. But right off the bat, she had to bring up to four to five large cans or bottles of beer to work in order to be able to get through her work better. M is a large lady, larger than i am, so i felt it would not be an issue……plus, i am so dependent on caregivers for my daily needs that i was afraid to tell her no, she couldn’t bring her beer to work.
M was rough with me though. When she would give me my showers, she would wipe my private area very hard, hurting me. Her fist bumps were hard. her hugs were hard. And of she was talking to her friends, which she did alot while on the job with me, she would make me wait in the shower,m and after the shower, to come help me.
She also began asking for my food, snacks, and candy all the time. Then asked twice, to take a nap in my bedroom. I had to say yes to all of that, or else face being left to fend for myself.
She promised me she and i were going to go places alot. That we were going to go to San Luis Obispo, Avila Beach, Pismo Beach, Solvang, Santa Barbara, the park, the movies, the fair, and even to LA to go watch Ellen DeGeneres. M did have a fun side to her, and we got along great for the first two weeks she was my replacement caregiver. We did even get to go see the movie “Ted 2” at the mall, and then we ate at Red Robin’s afterwards. Ummm, i did have to treat her to all of that though….the movie, the Slushees, the popcorn, and then dinner at Red Robin’s.
Then, the third week happened, and she suddenly had to take a nap, on the job….and did so twice. Then she had to start bringing her seven year old niece to work with her. Then she got her new car, and on the 3rd of July, as we drove down the street to go to do my payday day at my bank, she got angry at me, telling me snottily “Well, you didn’t have to come,” when i began to meltdown over all of the windows having to be full-on open, with the wind blowing so hard on my face it made my face actually move, and my hair blow into my face and eyes. When i came out and told her she was being mean, she backed down, and let us have the windows up. The car had air conditioning too…but she needed the windows to be down because they were tinted, and she didn’t want the Po-Po’s—-the cops—–to pull her over.
Also, that day, M asked to borrow $40 dollars from me for her gas for her car. That never got paid back to me, btw.
The other thing she had been talking to me about incessantly, was the nice 4th of July block party she was taking me to….and how much fun we were going to have there. It was going to be a special day and evening, where i would be able to stay past her time to clock off of work.
But the day of the party, she came to my house in a gruff brusque mood, told me to hurry up, something she knew would set me off, and it did. Then when we got in her car, she turned the radio on FULL-BLAST, causing me to cringe in my seat. I asked her to please turn it down. She did. But when we got to the party, she got me set up at a table, and then went off right away in search of beer for herself. I was left to introduce myself to the people around me, who were all VERY friendly to me, by the way, and they went out of their way to offer me food, iced tea, etc. One lady, Yesenia, was like a sweet angel to me. Right way, M got this mean look on her face and kept walking around my table talking to her teeny-bopper type friends, who were NOT friendly to me at all, btw, complaining LOUDLY…and REPEATEDLY……that she felt like she was babysitting a CHILD…so she wasn’t free to drink and get drunk…..and that i was just like a huge ball and chain around her ankle. I told Yesenia how hurt i was,…..Yesenia heard the whole thing too, and took M aside to talk to her, to tell her to let me stay, that she or someone else would take me home….she told her, “Mija, let her stay and enjoy the fireworks, this is what the 4th is all about. She has a right to be able to enjoy her night, just as much as you do.”
I loved Yesenia. I wanted Y to be another new friend to me, just like i thought you were going to be to me, A!!!
Then i went to pick up a chip, an the salsa spilled all over the front of me. Y was in another area, but M was sitting right next to me, and when i got upset, i felt she was going to get me napkins so i could clean it off of my shirt and purse. Yes, she did get up to go to the food tables…..but she didn’t come back for 25 minutes. I finally had to get one of M’s mean teeny-bopper friends to grab me a bunch of napkins…..and i was able to finally clean myself.
Finally, an even gruffer M came back with several pieces of bread and ribs for herself, watermelon, hot dogs, and she only let me have one piece of bread, a small dallop of potato salad, and three small spare ribs. I did get like seven small diced pieces of watermelon too.
I finally had to use the ladies room. M and one other person helped me there and back. But while in the bathroom, i heard more complaining from M about me being there. When i came out, M’s husband came, and she complained to him too.
I asked to go home. It was all i could take. M had one of her mean teeny-bopper friends drive me home, as M sat in the back, with two of her other teeny-bopper friends….and right away, M started chiding me, telling me to tell her girlfriends about my sexual orientation, that i am bi-sexual….M is bi too, btw, ,…..but the way M was chiding me, was not funny, and i didn’t appreciate it.
When M got me home, i felt just like i had been robbed of my 4th of July. When i called her to try to explain how i felt, she got mean with me.
I fired M, and hired you to come along as my new caregiver, A. You even talked to M on my behalf, and saw how mean she was being to me. You didn’t like it…..and promised me you would never teat me like this.
The next ten days that you worked for me were nothing but beautiful, happy days. We even made it up to the Avila Port San Luis Pier.
But after Connie came back, i stopped hearing from you. Yes, i understand you have a life, a family, and jobs you have to work at…….But When i tried to find out, via Connie if you were still going to go through with the steps to become my backup caregiver, which i DID have every right to know, you became defensive and angry and snotty, and you and i had our first blowout, because the words you chose were very hurtful to me…so hurtful, i had a horrible meltdown. But then through Connie, we worked it out enough to be friends again. You told us both it would be okay, that you would be coming over to talk it all out with me. We reconsciled, but i still was seeing signs that you really didn’t want to deal with me anymore…..so i tried to talk to you and explain to you how it affected me when you got angry at me, how i melted down…..and i got another nasty gram back, dissing my feeling completely. Then you went onto your wall to slam me to all of your friends and your mom too….likening me to a 55 year old adult who acts like a child…..complaining about my 5 Slurpee a day and candy habit, as if i am wrong to like Slurpees and candy……complaining about me and complaining about me as a person…………
First of all…..i am NOT lying when i say i am Autistic!!!!!!!!…..
I AM AUTISTIC!!!! I REPEAT……..I AM AUTISTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And i am NOT an adult who “acts like a child” either…..that was SO uncalled for, for you to say that. If you understand Autism, then you know that as an Autistic person, we are going to hear, see, smell, eat, touch, feel, and experience things more deeply and differently than a normal Neurotypical person does. You know that many of us have deep PTSD trust issues and abandonment issues, especially with my history of past caregivers, including M, who abused me. You also know that yes, i AM alone and lonely. Even so, i TRY MY BEST to act and conduct myself in as fair and just of a manner, and as much of an adult manner as i can too. The hateful judgements you made against me on your wall, were unfair and uncalled for….and i did nothing to deserve what you posted to your wall for your friends and mother to all see.
I no longer want you to be a part of my life, A. So leave me alone. That means leave me completely alone. Let me heal from yet another friendship gone bad because of people refusing to listen to an #ActuallyAutisticAdult. I did listen and respect you. Believe it or not, but i did. I am NOT that awful person that you posted to your Facebook wall about yesterday.
This blog was originally written and posted on August 17, 2015 via my other blog site.
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