To All Of My New Friends, (Re-Edited)

To All Of My New Friends,

Welcome!!

This is a note to explain about me and my situation. I am almost 54 years old, and i am Autistic. I have suffered my whole life, not from my Autism, but from growing up being misunderstood, misjudged, and rejected, because most people have not taken the time to understand and get to know me. My aim in life is to tell my story, by venting and blogging and vlogging, so that i can finally get the help i have needed for so long, and to educate everyone globally as to how life is for those of us who are Autistic and who grew up without support, acceptance, and love.

I am not a drama queen, nor do i like drama; however, i do happen to vent alot, yes, i vent a great deal, only because it is the only way i know how to cope with what happens to me. I need to vent, so i can get it out, so i can process through things that happen to me, and to educate all of you who i come into contact with, so you will know and understand. So you will all **get** this. My hope in telling my story, is to make this world Autistic-friendly.

I have unfortunately been the victim of much bullying, sadly, by most of my family, mean schoolkids, etc.,…..and i still am being bullied to this day by mean men in several nearby businesses where i have been living for the past 23 years. Yes, this bullying has gone on for the past 22 years of the past 23 years i have lived in this particular house. On top of this, i have had to deal with many of my close friendships that i have had, ending very badly, with the people turning angrily against me. This has given me a great complex and fear that it will keep on happening, over and over again, to where i will just not be able to take it anymore, and my heart will just stop beating from the sheer exhaustion. 

I promise you, this is NOT a pity party. I am trying to get my story to go viral because of the above reasons. I am desperately unhappy. Please put yourself in my shoes. If you lived trapped where you are being bullied, on top of never being able to cut a real break in life because nobody believed in you? Sadly this is, and has been, my lifetime reality. I only keep on living because i refuse to commit suicide and risk being sent to hell if i do that. So i suffer and suffer….these are please for help, and to be heard….these are not pity parties or me being a drama queen.

To continue my story……

I have run all of my past personal caregivers off too. Because most of them either didn’t understand and/or, they could not deal with me. Because i do have rather loud dramatic meltdowns when i am upset and on sensory overload.

I have also had many of those caregivers be very very abusive towards me.

It has always been hard for me to keep friends. And my caregivers.

Reason is because i am a very complex person; i still have lots, lots, and lots of fears, rituals, routines, hangups, phobias, and fetishes, that most people don;’t understand, nor even want to. And as i stated above, i have alot of meltdowns. 

I have deep ongoing PTSD issues. I have a deep-seated fear of being abandoned over and over again. My PTSD is getting worse, not better.

I have noise sensitivities to certain types of noises, mainly the loud noises the bullies in my neighborhood make deliberately to antagonize me, with their motor vehicles, and their LOUD booming bass.

I cannot wear headphones or earplugs, as things in or on my ears bugs the living daylights out of me too. Nor do i feel i should have to wear earplugs in my own home just to be able to live my daily life.

I do have a sense of humor, i am fun, goofy, and easy to get along with, if you are genuinely accepting of me.

I am also very compassionate, caring, and i do not lack empathy for others at all. I am however, in my own world much of the time, and it is hard for me to show or reciprocate affection and appreciation towards others.

I love people, children, babies, and animals, but i am not good at being close with anyone, either human or creature. I cannot handle holding babies, or cuddling with a cat or dog, due to sensory issues with that kind of interaction. I love hugs though, but i have to be hugged a certain way, or that can even throw me off.

My brain and body are simply wired differently.

Please get to know me, and feel free to ask me questions before you judge me and give up on being my friend, please. Please also let me talk. Please don’t talk over me, or at me or talk down to me. Or talk to me like i’m a baby. Above all, please don’t take things i say or do personally, and get angry at me and shut the door on me, because that kind of anger when people get angry at me, is unbearable for me to take. If you do get angry, and need to distance yourself, please at least reassure me it is only temporary, that though angry, you are still my friend. I can take it better then, and won’t freak out so badly.

I get easily discouraged when people get mean and harsh with me and give up on me. This makes me not want to even try anymore.

Please know that this is my wall, and my safe space here on Facebook. I seek to make friends with people who are going to truly “get” and accept me. People who i know will be there for me as my forever friends. I need forever friends in my life. I freely admit that.

I am a bleeding heart liberal person who has faith, and i do cuss, and i am quite outspoken, so please don’t let that throw you. I am not a mean person though. I am not here to hurt anyone, or to fight, just to tell my Autistic story, so i can do my part to help end the hate and stigma that is still out there. And again, so i can get the help i so desperately need so i can move on with my life in a more peaceful setting than where i am living now.

I wrote this because i have had alot of problems even here on the internet being understood.

Thank you all for listening.