Friday, March 15, 2013

I'm Autistic---Let Me Explain--But You Won't, because To All Of You, I Will Always Be Just A Monster

I'm sorry i haven't posted in a long time....i have mostly been posting alot on Facebook and on my YouTube channel. You see, i got an iPhone 4 two years ago. And a webcam. This enabled me to videoblog more. I forgot i still had a Blogger account, and just never went here anymore.... But...suffice it to say, things are pretty much still the same....i still live here on 

Mean Bully Monster Street!!

I am still very much hated by my neighbors, sadly......!!!!!  

My latest incident involves one of the businesses to my East, where they have two boxer dogs, and the owners are a young couple with three young children. They used to be VERY nice to me! Now they are not, because of another individual who decided to make a new issue out of their dogs, just to stir things up between me and them. They got me involved, and to make a long story short, now, me and this young couple are on the outs as well.

You see, i don't have very good people skills to begin with....i do in some cases where i am around people who are genuinely nice and accepting of me...but when i feel like people don't like me....i shut down and can become just like a gorilla with people....not that i'm a monster....this is my defense mechanism!!

A few days ago, the male owner walked by as my homecare nurse was leaving and i was outside saying goodbye to her. (Earlier in February, i had a scar on my abdomen that abcessed, and i had to go to the hospital for three days and have it treated...then they sent me home and i had a wound care nurse for the past month and a half. I also now have a personal care worker. My physical and emotional health has gone even more downhill in these past two years due to the fact that i still have not been able to secure a better place to live, or good healthcare or personal care.....

Anyway, this man came past my house and began talking and laughing, and i felt for the life of me, that he was directing it towards me in a derisive mean manner....i mean, after all, i have come to expect this from all of my neighbors here, because i am hated, remember, by most of them...and by my own family, because i am autistic and so complex, difficult, and i have lots of meltdowns, lots of hang-ups, quirks, and fears, and went on the Facebook page of this business and wrote the following, edited for the privacy of the people involved:

 "Mr Bean, I would greatly appreciate it if you would please not go by my house and laugh at me and make snide mean remarks at me or to my guests who come here anymore. I know you guys all sem to really dislike me over there, and i can't change that, but maybe if you opened your mind, and realized that i am disabled, autistic, and i cannot help much of what i say and do when upset, you would start to give me some slack here. I am not the monster that everyone on this street has perported me to be...please give me some respect over here....please!! Sincerely, Melissa"

And then, because i had typos, i tried to correct the typos: 

 "8Seem *Seem is what i meant to say. I'm sorry for the typos; please don't dunce me for that too!! Again, i'm a human being, with feelings.....not the monster you all think i am!!!!"

Tonight, i get this response...and though it shouldn't of surprised me, it did both surprise and it also hurt my feelings, because it was not a friendly response at all! It hurt me because i have always, always, always wanted for everyone to like and accept me....i have been like this my whole life and when people don't like me, i just feel like everything is all haywire....i meltdown....i hate the skin i am in when i know i am not liked and welcome.....which i am not here, even though this is supposed to be my own home, i still feel so utterly unwanted here.....anyway, here's his response....

 "Melissa I have absolutely no clue what you are talking about. We do not speak to any guests who come to your house nor do walk by and make remarks about you. We have always respected your privacy. Please respect ours and not send these types of messages to our business applications."

My response?

"  Sorry, i thought you were talking to me the other day. It is not easy to have the disabilities i have. I am not trying to be mean, nor was i trying to be mean when i wrote you before. Believe me when i say i can hardly wait to move and get away from this neighborhood. I know that i am not welcome here, because everyone seems to think of me as a monster. I am not. I am an adult who is autistic.....just trying to get by the best that i know how......sorry i offend you all......"

I AM sorry that i seem to offend and piss everyone off!!

I am not a monster.

I am autistic.

There is a huge difference.

Please understand that and cut me some slack here!!

I wish to High Heaven this world would stop demonizing and hating and shunning and laughing me off.

I am autistic...but i am still a human being....i still have a voice.....i still matter.

I am not a disease or a burden or a tsunami.

I am just me.

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