You know, the events of this past year....the way my ex-friend suddenly, without explanation, turned so viciously against me, and all the trouble i had with two private caregiving agencies, plus having several county caregivers walk out on me, plus having two county caregivers that i did like, hurt and abuse me....has done something deep within my soul. Deep, deep, very deep.
Oh, i still believe in God, i still pray to Him....i still believe in His angels.....i still believe He loves me.....i still believe in Heaven and eternal life, and the power of prayer....i still also believe in miracles, and that God heals us.
I have actually stopped wanting to listen to any Christian rock....
I don't pray as often....
I have zero desire to read the Bible...as it actually bores me to tears.....
or to listen to any Bible verses, because my ex friend was always, always quoting bible verses
I no longer want to step inside of a church
Or hear any of the worship music
Or hear people tell me how real God is
Or say all those churchy things that people love to say
I have stopped liking all of the Christian Facebook pages that i liked for so long
My ex-friend was a christian.
I was hurt deeply by him....so deeply that i did almost feel i was going to die.....
I've been hurt time and again by church after church i have gone to
and by those who profess to be Born Again and On-Fire for God
I just got banned from the page of a local youth-oriented church that i did want to go to
Most of my family shun me
Most of my neighbors here think of me as a pariah and a monster
I don't think that i am becoming an atheist or an agnostic
but i don't want to talk alot about God anymore or listen to the music anymore because it does remind me of my ex friend and all our times together
and i don't want to hear how real God is, or how much He loves me and knows every hair on my head
because it just makes me feel as if i am having all of the unpleasant hurts associated with my walk with Christianity
rubbed right in my face, if that makes sense?
because to me, Christianity and Christian people have preached at me, tried to fix and cure me, they have shunned me hurt me, and let me down....
I may start listening to heavy metal again.....all of the music i was told by churches that was wrong and evil and the devil's music.....
All i know is that my relationship with God, no matter what i ultimately decide to do, is going to be between me and Him, or Her now.....it is going to be on MY terms and not what any other Church or Christian tells me i need to do and not do, anymore.