Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Another About Me....Please Understand, Once And For All!!

First of all, i do not want to have to keep on apologizing for the way i am anymore.
This is me, and this is who i will be till the day i die. 
I am not neurotypical; nor will i ever be; i am Autistic. 
I was born this way, and due to lack of supports growing up, 
i have become very set in my ways at the age 55 years.
I have spent my entire lifetime trying my best to fit in, to get help
from one agency after another, after another, after another
so that i could lead a decent life.
But i fell through the cracks due to misconceptions, stigma, and 
having functioning labels slapped on me
and wrong diagnoses
and being misjudged and misunderstood.
Along the way, i have learned alot of my own unique coping mechanisms that work for me.
But along the way, people have tried to fix and cure me
and it never works because it is done without understanding
by non-Autistic people who don't get and don't want to get Autism
And because i happened to grow up in a family where i had little support and acceptance,
and lots and lots of harsh criticism, taunts, teasing, and being made fun of
i grew up always being afraid of harsh blunt people
I am not spoiled. I never was spoiled.
I am not physically lazy, nor am i intellectually lazy.
Neither am i mean and selfish.
As an Autistic, i see things differently. I hear things more loudly.
I am more sensitive than a normal person is, to
bright light,
tones of voice,
looks people gve me,
body language 
and certain types of loud noises.
I don't do people things well
I may be 55, but my mind, in some ways, is still childlike.
I am strong in some ways, very timid in other ways
When i say i cannot do something, i mean what i say.
When i say i do not know how to ignore things that upset and trigger me, i mean what i say!
I lack the ability to ignore and get over things
It take me time to get over things that happen that have upset me.
And i have to talk and write about it to process through it.
It's the only way i know how to cope.
I know my body and mind and thoughts inside and out.
No one else does.
I know what i can and cannot handle.
And i know in my heart of hearts
that i am a deeply compassionate and kind-hearted person,
and that i would give anyone the shirt off of my back.
I do not lie, cheat or steal.
Nor do i ever set out to be mean, ever!
I have always been very sensitive to sudden and unexplained changes.
If people rush me, i will shut down and melt down.
I have always, always, been unable to take criticism
that is meted out to me in a manner that is harsh and blunt,
because i take that as an attack on my very personhood.
I take it as the person is belittling me and turning against me.
There are ways to say things that can be said in a kind way.
But if i perceive that anyone is becoming impatient with me, and angry with me,
i will get scared of that person, and i start to shut down like a frightened rabbit.
If i feel i am being talked over, and not heard, i will become afraid and intimidated.
And i will withdraw.
Please understand, i grew up being told i was an "incapable" person
this was drilled into me so much i believed it.
Please understand, there is the power of life and death in the human tongue.
What you say can either lift a person up, or break them to their very core
to where unrepairable damage can be done to that person
Sadly, my physical health has gone so much downhill
that i have had to give up much of my independence
and am today, at the mercy of caregivers to help me with a vast many of my needs now
this has sadly left me open and vulnerable to alot of abuse
i can no longer drive and go places like i used to
that makes me very depressed...
and i often suffer from terrible loneliness when my caregiver is not here
i also have a large lymphedema tumor on the inside of my left thigh which really hampers my mobility
along with the lymphedema i have on both of my legs, making them swollen as it is
Please understand and have patience with me, 
because this is so hard for me to live like this day in and day out, and not be able to
move to a quiet neighborhood away from the bullies that i still have here who still torment me
and i am not able to get the surgery i need to remove that leg tumor
i am limited, and i feel very trapped, like i am in jail
it is hard for me some days to put on a happy smile and be okay and
always easy to get along with.
Please......i beg you......please, once and for all.....understand and accept me as i am,
please validate my interests, likes, dislikes, and who i am, and my feelings too
i am Liberal, Pro-Choice, Pro-LGBTQ, and i am zero tolerance on racism, and on
anyone who abuses others, both children and adults,
either sexually, physically, mentally, emotionally, or financially
I was not put on this earth to add to anyone's suffering.
I'm still a human being who has feelings that get so hurt when
people i love are angry at me and i think they disapprove of me.
Please read this with an open and compassionate heart, and please understand.
Please don't shut me down when i want and need to talk and vent and talk things out.
It's the only way i can process things so i can get through things.
And please remember, i am doing the best that i know how to do.
I am Autistic, not a monster or a criminal.
Thank you. I love you, everyone.

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