Ever since i sprained my leg tumor in the ambulance on the morning of Feb. 16th, when they forced it behind my knee, to where i had to ride all the way to the hospital with that rock sitting right underneath my knee, so that i would not fall off the thin gurney, it has not been the same. Yes, the huge pains are gone, and i can walk more around the house without pain, and ride in Connie's (my caregiver and friend) car without pain again, but now, i once again have one of those nice lymphedema ulcers on the very bottom of my "pet rock". I hate this rock. I don't know what ever i did wrong to deserve to have this develop on my left inner thigh, because i can no longer drive or get in and out of my tub shower because of it. It has impacted me mentally too. It has impacted me by making my jail worse than it used to ever be.
My "pet rock" is more like a huge ball and chain around my left inner thigh.
I have been in alot of very dark depressions since Feb. 16th too, and these depressions are getting worse too. Along with these depressions come panic attacks of anxiety and worry that things are just going to keep getting worse.....that there is never going to be a way out for me, because somehow i am being punished for something i did wrong in my past. Punished for my whole life on this earth.
So is the loneliness.....it too, is getting worse.
I have stopped watching the YouTube vidoes i used to so enjoy every night.....not because i don't want to watch them anymore, but because many of them don't play right on my computer in fullscreen mode anymore. I am trying to get someone to comne look at my computer to see what is going on. I really miss watching my YouTube videos.
So, i have been watching alot more TV. And sleeping alot more too...when i am able to, or my body let me, go on my long sleeping spells, that really helps me to get through these long lonely days and even longer nights of being housebound, stuck behind these same four walls, looking at mostly concrete, tin buildings, and asphalt.
My only human contacts are my daily phone conversations with my mother who moved up to an inner mountains state in April of 1996, along with two of my three brothers, and two of my three sisters, and all of their families.
I also have Connie who comes six afternoons and early evenings a week to help take care of me.
And i have all of you, my sweet angels on facebook...all ofyou here on Facebook, Connie, my mom, and two nice sisters are all my sweet angel friends.
But when i can't be online, and Connie is not here......i literally ache to the very pit of my soul due to the dark pit of loneliness deep within me.
As i stated before, the whole entire rest of my family who always treated me like i was a separate entity growing up, still shun and ignore me.
Yes, my eldest brother prays for me several times a day, and he also has lots and lots of Catholic Masses said for me.
But he is too nervous to handle talking to me, so he chooses not to. The rest.....all seem to hate me because i choose to be so vocal about my life.
My mom is a friend and ally, and she helps me as much as she is able to. So do my two nice sisters.
But the rest.....are now like total strangers to me, and it is not my fault, because i have tried countless times to reach out to all of them, to break the ice and make them understand me and accept me. I need to add that my mom and two nice sisters all have kind loving hearts.
I know growing up i wasn't a nice person. I did things and said things that were not cool, and i did my share of not treating people nice like i wanted to be treated. I guess you can say, it was partly because hurt people do end up often hurting others, and as hard as tried, some of what my family thought, became my fears too for awhile growing up.
Even so, i have fought all of my life not to be like my father, three brothers and my one mean sister.
I have still alwaya fought to do what is just and right by people.
I still, even so, had much to repent to my God for though, and i did 7 years ago, even the generational things that i know in my spirit were soul ties to some very bad peole in my ancestory that needed to be cut by me.
The bible says that God doesn't make mistakes......but i do feel that he/she/they did when they plopped me into the family i was borne into. I don't feel that way about my mom, or two nice sisters, or my one sister's daughter. But i have come to feel that way about the rest of them.
I don't say this to be mean, i say it because it's the truth. My heart is not mean like that. I was never ever meant to be a person with a mean heart.
And i apologize and repent for all who i have ever hurt in my life.
Still.....these nights are so long, and so are my days when i can't sleep. I spend my nights and days dreaming of winning the lottery so i can finally move to a house that is a home and a sanctuary to me, a place that is quiet, and beautiful, with lots of grass, trees, and flowers. Then i can move my mom and one nice sister back down here to this area. Then i can finally work on getting the surgery done on my leg, free of the fear of losing Connie and my housing assistance in the process.
I spend my long nights looking forward to when Connie will be back to help me, and talk and laugh and joke with me. I try to sleep all i can to fill in all of my alone time though, or watch TV, and i still come on Facebook too.
But my loneliness is growing deeper, as is the despair i feel that things are going to get worse, not better. That i will be forced to revisit past enemies who hurt me so badly (by running into them when out and about, for example).
So yeah.....this is what was on my heart to write tonight.
I love being Autistic. But i hate all the misjudgement, misunderstanding, and hate towards us. I hate this loneliness.
I write because i want my family to stop shunning me and being afraid to connect with me....and i want everyone to stop listening to hate groups like A$....and start opening your hearts, to listen to our stories, and to get to know us and become our friends. That is what i want, for me, and for all of my Autistic Community friends.