To All Who Bully & Torment Me

To all of the people who think it's a fun sport to deliberately bully, torment, and terrorize a lonely housebound disabled autistic adult in the only home they currently have to live in.....

....by parking in a parking lot near my house with your loud bass thumping and bumping and vibrating the walls of my living room, just so you can get a delightful kick out of hearing my screams of sheer pain and agony....

.....screams so loud i lose my voice and my throat sometimes bleeds, and it makes my whole head hurt, and me feel sick and weakened-----yet you still won't stop---and i have to keep screaming till you finally relent and turn the bass off.....

....leave from your place of work at the auto shop, with your loud big beige 4X4 truck, and gun the bloody murder out of it, causing me to scream, because someone has told you i'm a monster who deserves this kind of treatment.....

...do any of you realize that these noises actually cause me pain? Maybe it's not physical pain but it is a painful anguish, and it vibrates my entire head and digestive system when you make these noises....

.....i wish you would, once and for all, sit down and Google the blogs of #actuallyautistic #neurodivergent adults, and start learning about who we are, and what our disability is, and is not.

I am sure that if any of you who so cruelly like to bully and terrorize me every afternoon, had an autistic son or daughter of your own....

......or, say, you have a sister or brother or mother or father who's autistic.... and they were being bullied just like i am, and they came to you, sobbing brokenheartedly because they are wondering why people are so cruel to them, then maybe you would finally know the real pain you are causing me in my own home when you set out to use your car stereos and car engines to torment and terrorize me.

Being autistic does not equate me as being bad, wrong, broken, missing, less-than, damaged, and deserving of this kind of torture.

Just hoping to get you to understand.....if someone you loved were getting treated this way, would you not move heaven and earth to help get those bullies to lay off?

Hi, my name is Melissa. And i am a real human being. And i have feelings just like you do.

Please stop making what life i have left on this earth so unbearable.

A Story From My Childhood

An #ActuallyAutistic fact about me.

When i was 8 and 9 years old, i had a childhood friend who liked to promise me we were going to go to her house and we were going to play all these exciting games with her dolls and toy trucks, and do slip n slide, etc.

We'd get to her house, and her mom would serve us a delicious lunch of sandwiches, and all different kinds of snack chips, and flavors of soda pop.

Then this friend would suddenly turn mean, and start teasing me and saying she hated me. She would take her dolls and other toys away from me, and tell me "No, i've decided i don't want you to play with my dolls, trucks, etc. after all!"

I would end up hanging out with this friend's mom. I'd go home upset.

The next day i would go to school, still upset, and the way this childhood friend treated me, would gravely affect my entire day at school. And often the entire week at school. I would meltdown at the least little thing, both in my classroom and on the playground at recess. I couldn't concentrate on my schoolwork, do any of my schoolwork, and i would even wet myself.

As an autistic adult, guess what? I am still gravely affected by people like that childhood friend. No, i don't wet myself anymore, but when people won't listen, let me talk, and believe me when i say i can or can't do something, or they are harsh and insensitive towards me, and say things that are harsh and insensitive, then not let me defend myself, i still get upset, and stay upset for sometimes days----i cannot sleep, or walk as well, nor can i even hold a decent conversation. I still meltdown at the tiniest things. I now get bad sick stomach spells over this.

It really does matter that neurotypical people really listen and learn about us autistic people, because to not learn, and then get impatient when we don't or can't do things, or life, the NT way, hurts us more than you can know. To reject us hurts us more than you can know.

Because an autistic person's brain is wired neurodivergently, instead of neurotypically. We see, smell, taste, hear, and touch things much more deeply than a neurotypical person.

A person's words can literally mean life or death to an already marginalized and misunderstood person. When you take the time to read and watch autistic people's blogs and videos, and learn about us, and then befriend us, and really get to know us and accept us, not just "tolerate" us, it makes a real positive difference to us.

A Late Night Poem, Autistic Part Two

Autistic Please don't use it as a cuss word. It is a valid disability, it is a part of me, and i cannot take it off like one can take off clothing. Autistic It is not the plague. It is not a virus. It is not a disease. It is not contagious. Autistic I need to have my TV and music on at all times because a completely silent house upsets me just as much as the annoying mega bass and hot rodding noises do, and because i love to listen to my music, and have my TV on, talking to me. Autistic No, it is not my excuse, nor do i use it as my shield, it is the reason why i hyper focus, hyper empathize, and experience each and every aspect of life at a deeper level than a neurotypical person does. Autistic Is the reason why there are so many things i have trouble doing or just cannot do. Please believe me when i say i can’t do something. Because i really cannot do that something. Autistic It is important that you listen and read between the lines when you listen to me. Let me talk. Let me feel what i feel. Don't shame or belittle me. Don't silence me. Don't make me afraid to talk. Please don’t talk over me, interrupt me, and assume i meant something else other than what i am trying to tell you that i mean. Autistic Please don’t talk about or bring up things you know will trigger and upset me, like past mistakes, past blunders, past fuck ups.
Autistic When i say something happened, it did happen. Please believe me. Autistic I am not a behavior problem, i am not demanding, i am not broken, damaged or faulty. Autistic Please don't tell me to just walk around with headphones on all day. I should not have to adjust, or adapt, to my environment, especially in my own home, and especially when the noises of the bass and loud hot rodding are being done deliberately to bully and torment me. Autistic Please don't tone police me and tell me not to cuss, talk too loud, or use quiet hands. I need to be me. I grew up not being able to be me, and i can't do that anymore Autistic I am not violent. I am most likely to hit myself or a wall or slam a door, than hurt anyone else during a meltdown. Autistic Please be happy for the achievements i make. Autistic Please, learn to understand and accept me and don't give up on me and throw me away. It will just make me want to give up and never try at all anymore.

I Don’t Want To Be Alone Anymore

From two Facebook posts i made just now……

Post One

I had a VERY weird dream while i slept. it was a nightmare, in fact.

I dreamed that i was alone here. Connie had gone home. It was night, but strangely still light outside, and it was overcast, misty, and wet outside. In fact, the outside had the blue tint of dusk settling in when it’s cloudy and overcast.

Suddenly i saw a group of cars crowd outside where the appliance shop used to be, and all over the street. Then i heard a gunshot, followed by someone yelling in pain. Then another gunshot, followed by another yell from that person, who had a male voice.

I got scared, frightened, but couldn’t move out of my chair where i was sleeping. I was literally paralyzed in fear.

I finally managed to get out of my chair and use my computer chair to block my view so no one from outside could see me, and i tried my best to call 911. I got a male presenting dispatcher, but could not hear them.

Suddenly, one of the bad men came into my carport and began to banshee yell and kick the outer security door on the door to my middle room. He kept kicking the door and yelling. Then more of them came right into my yard.

I tried again to get 911 on the phone and couldn’t even get my words out.

I awoke from this dream at 11:32 PM, to find that my small alarm clock was blinking. Which meant i must of had a power glitch while i was asleep. My clock on my answering machine was fine, and my DR showed no interruptions in the recording of the two newscasts i record every night to watch when i wake from my after dinner sleeptime.

I have come to the conclusion that i don’t want to live alone anymore.

ESPECIALLY NOT HERE in this neighborhood where i do have neighbors who do NOT have my back at all….but neighbors who are mostly all either the type to not get involved, or they are the mean ones who torment and bully me.

I at least want to live where i have nice neighbors surrounding me who are the kind who will adapt me and actually look out for me, while i still live in my own house. Then it won’t be so bad living in my own house by myself.

I am ALL alone tonight, and yes, i am scared right now.

Post Two

I am really having a bad night tonight. My TV reception began cutting out, searching for satellite signal was coming on, TV screen pixelating and freezing,—-and it isn’t even stormy here—-AT ALL!!!!

It’s fine now, not doing it anymore—– but yeah—after the nightmare i just had, and discovering that my power had glitched while i was sleeping, well, everything is spooking me right now and yes, i AM all alone here, isolated with no one nearby in this neighborhood to call if i have problems—yes, i could call Connie if i have real problems, but i don’t want to ruin her sleep just because tonight i happen to be scared and need someone here to be with me because i am just scared.

I just don’t like how i am feeling tonight.

I want to cry.

I really do want to move where i have nice neighbors around me day and night who will care and look out for me. I don’t want to live in this aluminum hot rod and mean bully alley anymore.