I am sure that both C and Angel will not mind me writing this blog post. :)
On June 16th, my whole world crumbled down around me when my caregiver of 15 months, C, who was—-and is—-like a sister to me, walked out on me. One month has gone by now, with me going through two caregivers: the first caregiver, M, turning out to be another awful nightmare like the ones i had before C were. But the second caregiver i got to replace M, a beautiful sweet young lady named Angel, who came in to replace M—-was, and is, a true Angel in every sense of the word. I grew to love Angel right off the bat because of how she really got me, how she right off the bat, got how i liked things, and she also gave me a really awesome shower while she was my caregiver. She has a brother who is also autistic, so she does understand a great deal about Autism, and had already read my blogs and watched my videos before becoming my caregiver.
Angel and i continue to be friends now…..because she and i have really bonded. But sadly, though, Angel ended up having to bow out as my main caregiver after a week and three days of working for me, because of needing to have a full time job for now. Angel is not yet in the system at IHSS, and still has to go through orientation so she can start being paid., which was why she needed the other job now, for financial reasons. So she and i spent all of Tuesday afternoon looking for new caregivers to replace her, and she promised me she would make sure she would find one who will be a good fit for me.
Again, Angel is very much still in my life as my friend and as my back up caregiver.
After setting up appointments to interview two of the people who had answered my last ad that i had posted when C walked out—–two people who still expressed interested in working for me—–i decided i didn’t have the spoons to hire more strangers—-so we began to talk about C, and the possibility of giving C a second chance. We talked about this at length, and i decided in the end, that yes, i did want to have C back in my life, because, even though it didn’t work out the first time, i still have strong feelings of love for her, and i still care for her. I wanted her to come back because of all of the good she did do for me, because of how she helped me with all of my meds, how she did do alot of things for me, and because we did have so many good times and good laughs.
So, i had Angel message her. C messaged her right back, saying she was very happy to come talk to me, that she is not at all angry at me, does not hold grudges, and that she has missed me—-and has worried about me all this time.
C came over that evening, and Angel, C. and i, talked everything out. C and i both admitted that we were both at fault in how things ended up going downhill. It was a lack of communication that we both allowed to snowball. We were both afraid of each other. We both didn’t understand each other. We were both trying to read each other, and were both failing to do so.
C told me that the real reason that she walked out on June 16th, was not because of my social worker calling, it was because when he called, and i ended the call, she could see how frightened i was to talk to him on the phone in front of her, and to talk to her about it afterwards. She said that i was sitting in my chair, trembling from head to toe, and that my hands were all balled up in front of me. She could not stand to see me like that, that afraid of her……so that was why she left. She had always told me that if i ever ended up getting that afraid of her, that that would cause her to walk out. Because the last thing she ever wanted was to hurt me and to make me afraid in my own home. And she does NOT want me to EVER be afraid of her anymore. So i decided to have C back in my life to start a new season with me. She started working for me again yesterday, on July 16th, exactly one month after she quit. She has promised me that the old moody C is gone, and that we are going to do things on my plain now. I believe her, and i believe in her good heart. I feel confident that this time, we can make things work.
C and i had lots and lots of good times during our fifteen months together. But yes, things did happen, Yes, we had a real communication problem. Yes, i did grow to be frightened of her. Yes, the walls between us grew too tall, and in the end, neither of us were able to go on this way.
Yesterday, C and i had an awesome day back together. I had her give me a nice long shower, and we took our time. She and i then went out together to get my dinner and drinks for the night too. Our schedule now will be from 3 PM to 9 PM, or from 2 PM to 8 PM like i want…as i actually have more hours now that the State of CA has restored to all IHSS consumers, the 7% reduction in hours they took from us three years ago to balance the state budget.
With Angel now in my life, and C now agreeing to have Angel, my mom, and my friend Emily too, all mediate if there **are** problems….yes, i do feel confident that this time, things will work out. If by chance, they don’t….then Angel and C will both help me to find a replacement caregiver who will be a good fit for me. And they will help train that person.
I do think that C and i needed a vacation from each other. Sometimes we do need to have that space.
In closing, C is going to get me out of my house alot more often. We will start going to the movies, and up to the coast, and other places. I believe her when she tells me she wants to make this work this time. I believe in her good heart, and in her again.
Before i close, i also want to say that on Wednesday, i finally got to go to the coast. Angel and her boyfriend took me, and we spent a couple of hours, as my legs would allow, at the Port San Luis (Harford) Pier up in Avila Beach. I took lots of pictures, which i posted to my Facebook. It felt good to get to see the ocean after not seeing it since November of 2013. :)
I also need to retract what i wrote in a blog post on June 27 about C bringing all of those motorcycles on my street to terrorize me. She did not order those bikers to come do what they did. Those bikers were not even her friends like i had thought they were. C is fully aware of the sensory issues i have with those types of noises, and even if she was boiling pissed at me…LOL….she would never, in a million years, come and do burnouts in front of my house, or get any biker friends to come terrorize me, because she knows what that would do to me, and she is not the type of person to be vindictive and malicious. She has apologized for things that did happen, and has vowed that this time, she will do all to help me remain happy, safe, and free. I believe her. I believe in her. I believe in forgiveness, and i believe in second chances. :)