I know i haven't been writing lately, but that is because things have generally been going better for me ever since the New Year has started. For one thing, i feel like i have grown and learned a few things from these past three years of traumatic events that i have gone through with friends and caregivers and doctors and hospitals.
For another thing,------drum roll, please------ i am still with the same caregiver that i have had since March 4, 2014, Connie, and i am still very, very, very, VERY happy with Connie. Connie has become a good friend, and yes, she does really and truly have my back, and we are like sisters now.
Yes, we did have some rough patches in August, and then through the holiday season, but we have worked through each and every one of those rough times. It has been a real growing experience for both her and i, because i have learned now that not all caregivers are bad, mean, abusive, and dishonest. Some caregivers, like Connie, sincerely love what they do. They love helping others. And she, in turn, has learned alot about me, and about Autism. Our issues mainly stemmed from my left over insecurities and fear of the past repeating itself yet again. To be honest, my body still hasn't recovered from the traumas i have been through, beginning with Roger, and even before Roger with others, and the horrible way he turned on both me and my mother, who were both nothing but good to him, and then all of the horrific nightmares i went through with a long string of caregivers that left me even more shaken and reeling. So shaken that i gave up driving and sold my little white toyota Tercel coupe. I haven't driven since, and am now petrified of ever going outside of my house without Connie or someone else with me. I have not driven since April 9, 2012.
At this time last year, i was still going through such hell with the caregiver i had at the time, named JuJu, (not her real name) and i was contemplating an actual move to Michigan, seriously, because at that time i sincerely felt that if i continued to stay in Santa Maria CA, that i would end up dead from the abuse and neglect that just kept happening.
At that time, i was working with two ladies, two ladies who called themselves my best friends and advocates, two ladies who both said they had my back, and that they both were never going to give up on me----ever. And then things with JuJu escalated to the point where i could no longer handle having her come to care for me. She appeared at my house on the night of Saturday, February 28, 2014, all happy, and she commenced to order our dinners. I had to get my dinners for that night and the next night, and was also treating her to dinner with me that night too. She seemed really happy that night because she no longer had her days taken up with her other client. She was dressed up and made up to the nines too that night, like she was dressed to go out.
She ordered our dinners. Then she went to the bathroom, still giggling and laughing and talking to me. We were making plans to maybe go up to Pismo Beach even.
Next thing i knew, i could hear her coughing through the bathroom door. Suddenly she was sick, too sick to even go get our dinners for that night, and my Sunday night meal......I panicked.
Yes, people can suddenly get sick without warning, but this was not the case with JuJu that night. Read on, and you will see why.
She proceeded to sit at my other desk, moaning and crying. I had to call into the restaurant and cancel all three dinners. And the ladies at the restaurant were not happy. When i finally, and reluctantly told JuJu she could go home, she suddenly jumped up, suddenly re-energized, giggling, and thanking me and telling me that she would make it all up to me that following Monday, all with a huge smile on her face, as she sailed through my living room to go to her car. Her sudden exuberance was glaringly obvious to me. I was crushed. I knew she had faked her sickness to get out of having to work for me.
After JuJu left, i ordered delivery from a local Mexican restaurant, and then i talked to my two advocate friends and four others in my private chat. Then i suddenly looked up to my picture of Jesus and began to cry out to Him praying. Not to be a Holy Roller, but yes, i do have a faith, and i do believe in prayer. Suddenly i saw an ad for a local classified group on Facebook, and i joined. I posted for a new caregiver, which the admins of the group let me keep up, and they even pinned it to the top for several weeks for me. and right away, several people answered my ad, Connie included.
I fired JuJu that night, and hired Connie on Tuesday, March 4, 2014, after interviewing her and two other ladies. Like i say, because of how i still to this day, have deep-seated trust and abandonment issues, due to my growing up years with my dad and most of my family, being bullied through school, and all of my relationships with people through the years.......i have also had some misunderstandings with Connie too, and Connie has had to get to know me. It has been hard for both of us, because i know that i am a very complex and difficult person, because i am full of quirks, hang-ups, phobias, and fears.
During my time with Connie, CA had several unusual heatwaves too, which also made it hard for me to get through many of my days. The heat makes me shut down, and running my air conditioner alot, ran my electric bill up too, so i had to learn to only run it when it gets past 85 degrees for two or more days in a row.
But Connie has stuck with me. We always talk things out. During one misunderstanding we had back in August, she still refused to let me go without a fresh hot meal that night. Earlier this year, she and i sat down and we had a really long talk. I have learned that it is okay for me to speak up and say what i am feeling, and to not be afraid. She and i still have lots of talks. She and i are truly growing in our friendship.....and i have grown to trust her deeply. Yes, we can both get in grumpy moods. But we all have grumpy mood days sometimes. It is what it is....LOL!!
Sadly---i did lose my two advocate friends. And yes, those two things did add greatly to my hurt, and my trust and abandonment issues. Losing those two friends has made it alot harder for me to make new friends and get close to people now. But i feel much more secure these days because i have a caregiver who truly wants to be here for me. And as of this upcoming March 4th, we will have our One Year Anniversary.
Needless to say, i am still here in CA. I decided that a move to Michigan would not be my answer. But i am still hopeful for my future. I still have my life story that has been written via MS Word. I now doodle and draw via MS Paint. I also love to take my sunset and sunrise pictures. I am also going to be 55 years old in May, so i am going to be looking into 55 and older senior parks as a way to finally be able to move from here.
So yeah. Me. What i've been up to, and what was on my heart to write today. Thank you to all who read this blog. :)
