An Explanation Of Why I Still Fear Having A Pet Of My Own

An Explanation Of Why I Still Fear Having A Pet Of My Own
by Melissa Fields on Tuesday, November 15, 2011 at 2:33am
The following is a post that i just wrote a few minutes ago in a group here on Facebook. I thought i would share this, as this best explains my fear of animals. I feel awful that i am this way, but this is in good part, one of my many phobias, fears, and sensory issues, and partly due to a fear from how my family unfortunately, would often exploit my fears when i was growing up....i actualy hatd my childhood because i was squelched and made fun of, in so many ways. My father raised us kids with an iron fist and belt...and as i got older, and my older sibloings got older, they could get away with mre than we younger ones could...he became more lenient with the older ones...thus, in our family, as one got older, they earned more freedoms and priviledges, while us younger ones did't. This fosteredx a narrow-mindeness in all three of my brothers, and one sister, but i always had the love and support of my mom and my two other nice sisters. They also could be mean to me too, at times, and there was a long several year period where me and my eldest nice sister did not get along too...anyway...onto my post now, which i have edited for this note, plus i have included only the person's initial of the person i refer to in this note, for their privacy:

" I am just like J in that i do not relate to, nor am i able to get close to animals, to hold them, cuddle them, or take care of them,...i can be around them, yes, but have to shoo them away if they try to interact with me, because i cannot handle the interaction. I am not cold-hearted either, i too am a very compassionate person, and love animals from a distance, but ppl don't understand this about me, and judge me wrongly too about this...you see, i grew up fearing dogs jumping on me and licking me, and feared their loud barking, and i also had a bad fear of cats scratching me..and i had a family who really exploited that fear, and all of my fears...but as i got older, i grew out of my fear enough to be in control of most animal situations that i am confronted with, by just waving my hands and firmly shooing them away when they try to jump up on me and cuddle and want me to hold them....i am still very uncomfortable around animals, but do greatly enjoy them from afar, as this is still a deeply ingrained sensory issue for me. I will even repost all the cute pet and animal pictures that i see others post here on Facebook, because i love those pictures!! Having said that, i do find myself now wanting a pet for the company, especially a dog....but feel i would need professional psychotherapy to overcome the fears i still have. And not meaning to blame my family...but they did help greatly to contribute to these fears that i still have to this day...the blame is there...and i have alot of resentments towards my family for holding me back and squelching me in so many ways...on so many levels. I unfortunately had bullies for brothers and sisters..and my dad was also a bully alot of the time, a real tyrant. Especially towards me, even as my other brothers and sisters were given more freedoms as they grew older...i was not given those same freedoms. Even as i grew older. I could not joke or have nice conversations with my father, because he was always yelling at me, correcting me, scolding me, an dpunishing me. I was never close to my father as a result of how he treated me.

I'm sorry to go on about this, but what J was expressing helped me to better be able to articulate my own problem with animals...and why mine happened...my family are greatly to blame in this, unfortunately. ;'((

Having said all of this, i would NEVER, EVER hurt or harm ANY animal, as i do have a huge kind and compassionate and tender heart...both for ppl and animals..and i hate...i abhor....cruelty to ppl and animals of any kind!!!!!!! "

For the purpose of this note, i have expounded/added more explanation to my above original post that i posted in a group just now. Again, i feel awful that i am this way...but i am...and i hope someday soon to be able to get help for this, as it would help me to be much freer. I also have other fears which hold me back too...but i can and will discuss these in future notes/blogs.

Thank you all for reading this. God bless you. :)

My Autism Is Not A Tragedy

My Autism Is Not A Tragedy
by Melissa Fields on Tuesday, November 1, 2011 at 5:36pm

My autism is not a tragedy
what is a tragedy, however,
is how my community continues
to treat me as if i am a leper
a clown, a joke, a laughing stock
the police will not help me by
putting a stop to the bully monsters'
daily loud hot rod terrorism
that happens right outside of my house
my city gov't turns a deaf ear to me
most of my family keep their backs turned
also to me because they also don't want to deal
with my meltdowns and the way i think, feel,
and do things....i cannot even get the help,
services and care i so desperately need
it is as if i am on some invisible community blacklist
everywhere i try to turn for help...i get told..no
oh, it's Melissa Fields..she is too needy,
too demanding, too difficult....don't help her
well...i am a 51 year old who had never
gotten the help i needed...and so, yes, i am now
alot more set in my ways...but it does not make
me unreachable.....
i don't know what i am going to do
when my couch that i have to sleep sitting up on
breaks down even further to where i can no longer
sleep on it...or my toilet falls in because my mom
has not the money to get my bathroom repairs done
and now, the people who she is paying to come
to help me just alittle bit..are now not returning my
phone calls either....
this is what happens when ppl do not
take the time to really listen to and "get" me
and the way i think, feel and react to life
i cannot stop being autistic
i was born this way
what works for you, may not work for me
we just have to keep trying different approaches
then, don't we? No..please don't
please, please don't you give up on me too
oh no..another person has just
washed their hands of me....and now i feel
that all too familiar aura of that person's
disdain hanging heavily in the air
as i go off hanging my head
again in utter shame
each time a person misunderstands and misjudges me
and gets angry at me and won't let me explain
or give me even a fighting chance
makes me that much more afraid to try again
so i mostly hole up inside my house
everyday
too afraid to go out, even to get my groceries
i have an aunt who is rich and famous
and she seems to hate me too
because she will not help me either
.......can somebody hear me out there....i am drowning
God, hear my cries.....please...before it is truly too late
and i am left in the cold fog to wither away to nothing.

What My Autism Means To Me

What My Autism Means To Me~~For Autistics Speaking Day 2011
by Melissa Fields on Tuesday, November 1, 2011 at 1:31am
My autism
cannot just be shut off
and taken off
like it is a jacket
I was born this way
I will die this way
I have alot to say
I wish people would take
the time to listen to us
and open their minds and hearts
to us..we are not bad..we are not
mean, selfish people
we are not brats
we have hearts
we feel empathy
we feel, dream, hope
and we care just like you all do
who are normal
we cry, we hurt, we bleed just like you all do
take the time to get to know me
to get to know all of us who are
on the autism spectrum
to hear our individual stories
to see how we cope
to see how our mids process life
before you even attempt to try to come in
to help us, to fix us
we don't need fixing
we just need help and friends and support
judge us not until you have '
walked a week or two in our shoes
beofre you judge and convict us so harshly
let us stim, lt us dream, let us have our bubbles
that we retreat to when the world
becomes so hurtful and unbearable
when we are not able to talk and verbalize
please don;'t jump to conclusions as to
what it is we are trying to say
give us the time to express it when we are able to
I just want to be loved and accepted
for this is a neurological disorder that cannot be cured
only love and patient guidance can help us
to be able to live with our autism
autism is a spectrum of indivual people
We have a voice
we have alot to say
read our stories
get to know each of us
before you judge us and please
don't walk away and give up on us
because we are too complex and hard to reach
because that will only bruise and discourage us even further
Thank you and God bless you, everyone!!!!!!

I Am In Serious Need, Everyone!!

I Am In Serious Need, Everyone......
by Melissa Fields on Wednesday, October 19, 2011 at 7:32pm
This is a reprint of a note i wrote in April.

I Am In Serious Need, Everyone......
by Melissa's Move on Tuesday, April 26, 2011 at 3:19am
I am writing this note because i do not want to lose my health, nor do i want to lose my independence, nor what little quality of life that i have left. I am in serious need here. My physical health..has gone so far downhill because of....where i am at. I can easily make all kinds of caring, beautiful, wonderful friends all over Facebook..most of whom do not flake out on me when things become a challenge....or if have meltdowns. You all are always here to lift me up..and to encourage me along..and to God i give all the glory for all of you who care about me. I so wish you could all live here..what a joy my life would be then...i would no longer feel as if i am on a deserted island without ppl to call upon when i have a need....i would have someone to go with me to my doctor's appointments, and to help me to even get that lawyer i so desperately need, so i can fight to get the business across the street to make their employees and customers stop bullying and terrorizing me. I'd have someone to help me with my technical problems and issues.

I also am in desperate need of a a full-time helper lady.....because it has become even more of a struggle for me to even do my own laundry or even wash my own hair now. I can no longer change my own underwear, or change my own pants, or clip my own toenails, or put on new socks...without it hurting me sooooo very much!!!! I am afraid to take a shower because i fear falling in the shower...and i canot reach certain parts of my body anymore. I'm sorry for being graphic..but this is how bad it is getting for mme now, everyone!!!! I cannot even handle cooking for myself anymore. I even have a hard time unloading and putting away my groceries now. I so badly need tech support for my computer, because certain things are beginning to happen on it..that will need attention sooner or later. I still do not know how to use my iPhone that i got a month ago....!!!!!

Three weeks ago, i was finally able to attend a local church, where i got to talk to the pastor, who promised to help me to learn how to use my iPhone..and i also met two couples there who also promised to help me. But all week went by, and I never heard from the two couples i had met, other than short wall posts on my pages...so i went back two Sunday nights ago...and found that one of the couples wasn't there..the pastor left early before i could talk to him about my iPhone..and the other couple who were going to give me the tech support, were very cold and unfriendly towards me. In addition...everyone else at this church...all blew past me like i wasn't even there that night. To make matters worse, tonight, i found out that the one lady who had friended me from that church, the one whose husband was going to help me with my computer and iPhone...had removed me as a friend, without telling me why, and then set her settings so that i would not even be able to send her any messages. What does this kind of thing tell me, when it keeps happening over and over and over again? I am not a leper, nor am i a criminal...i am autistic...and i had thought that these ppl whom i had met understood autism.....

I do not know what i am going to do now. My mother does not have the money to move me. If i move on Section 8...i would not be able to find suitable housing on Section 8 here because all of the Section 8 places that are in this area, are all in the unsafe areas of town. Neither am i willing to go in for any weight loss surgeries, because those are very dangerous, risky things.

I know i could lose weight and bounce back...if i had a stable local support network..and a way to move to a quiet safe place, where i'd still have good high speed internet and easy access to my favorite grocery stores and restaurants.

I realize that Wisconsin is a pipe dream..but...i do have family up in Idaho..my mother is there..and so are two brothers and two of my sisters. I could move there...if i had a way to do so.

I need a way out....i am perishing here. Will someone please help me????

My Medical Nightmare

Yesterday's Nightmare....And....How I'd Love Things To Be
I have bad lymphodema on both of my legs, as most of you who know me, know....basically, this is a veinious insufficiency, which causes the swelling and sometimes even open sores which i cannot take care of myself, due to my weight issues....and is a resul...t of me not being able to sleep laying down anymore, i must sleep siting up and back on my couch now...and have had to sleep this way for the past seven years. I have been trying to get a medical provider so i could get the leg treatments and leg therapy again on my legs. Well, last week i had my first leg appointment with a kind lady named Diane. She washed and wrapped my legs perfectly, and was very patient with me about how i wanted my socks to be put on and everything......but when i set up my next four appointments, i was told i would be seeing the other lady, Connie, a lady who i had had problems with in the past when i had seen her two years ago. I told Diane of my fears, but Diane said it would be okay, so i decided to give Connie another try. Well, at yesterday's appointment, Connie was okay with me at first. We talked about music and the nice town she lives in that is 20 minutes North of where i live, and how i'd love to live there. We also talked about autism, and how my autism manifests. She seemed understanding at first, and seemed to do a wonderful job at washing and massaging my legs, too. However, problems began to arise when she would touch my feet...they tickled alot when she would touch them, so i would laugh and jerk them away from her touch as an automatic reflex....so she finally ended up losing her patience, making a remark that made me feel very uncomfortable...yes, she probably may of meant it to be teasing, but i didn't like the manner with which she said what she said to me...her remark, said in a loud voice, with her eyebrows arched and a snarky look on her face was: "Oh, you know, i can really make your feet tickle! Just watch me! Oh yea, i can really make them tickle!" That remark and attitude left me kind of afraid of her, because i did find it to be harsh. Then, when she began to put the lotion on my legs....she put it on my left leg and left foot, and massaged it in real nicely, which felt very good, and then put the lotion on my right foot, but not my right leg at all. She began to set about dressing and wrapping my legs, so i stopped her and politely asked her to please put the lotion on my right leg. She snapped at me, saying she had already put it on my right leg. Too afraid to say anything now, i let it go at first...but it really bothered me, so much that i had to say something, so i then told her again that i knew she did not put the lotion on my right leg, and to please put the lotion on. She got impatient with me again, but then did put the lotion on, telling me that i may have to buy them lotion if i keep asking for more lotion, which i wasn't doing...i was asking her to do what she had not done and was supposed to do. So she dressed and wrapped my legs. But then, when she began to put my socks on, she put them on where they were wrinkling and bunching up on my feet, and i asked if she would please put them on tighter, because with the wrinkles, and if they aren't put up and over the back of my heels tightly they ride up on my feet, and i really feel it and it affects how i walk...she again snapped at me, giving me another one of her hooded eyelid looks, saying "Oh, you want to put your own sock on?" I said, "I hope you aren't going to be mean to me." She said "I will be patient with you if you will work with me." I replied that i am trying to work with her, that i am autistic...that i do not try to be difficult, i am autistic. She then went onto complain how hard it is to work on me....in fact, she seemed to not want to help me at all then, and i had to also ask her to help me get my shoes on, too. Because opf my weight, i have an awful time working with my bodsy below my hips, due to my weight....and Connie was well aware of this. We parted, with her saying goodbye in a loud sarcastic tone of voice....that didn't feel nice to me either. I know i was not accepted by her...as she also had begun to complain how hard it was to work on my legs...... I went to get my iced tea and food for my dinner and came home to eat, as the scenes of that appointment played over and over in my head. I posted about it on Facebook....but was too tired and depressed to stay on and talk to everyone. Now that i have had some rest, i am up and writing about this. People.....autism is something that is....we cannot take oit off and act like the world wants us to act and perform. I am nice to people....but i always seem to get treated like i am a piece of dirt or a dirty sack of potatoes....and this, especially in doctor's offices and medical offices.....needs to be addressed and dealt with. I have been routinely discriminated against by this particular physical therapy place that i am forced to go to for my leg treatments, by the supervisor who runs it, and by people like Amy, another lady who i had had the leg treatemnts with, and by Connie, who is loud and snippy. I am also taken way back in the back, away from the front offices and away from everyone, where i feel more isolated and more of an easier target for this kind of treatment...and this frightens me and worries me sick...that Connie could be even more mean next week when i see her again. I feel i have no choice in the matter....and if i say i want Diane to treat my legs, then i will be forced to go in earlier, which will be even more of a challenge...hardship...for me to do. What i want from these places is reasonable accomodation for my disabilities. An office where the staff all know me by name and greet me like they are excited and glad to see me come. A place where i am cared about, and positively affirmed. A place where my meltdowns are understood. A place wher i feel i belong.....where i don't feel as if i am a burden. Yesterday, one of my Facebook friends posted about how it is for her where she gets her medical care, how they accomodate her so well....i hope she will repost her story in the commnets on this thread, by the way, ....because that is how things should be in medical offices and hospitals. Not the cruddy treatment i keep getting, over and over and over. Especially when i do not feel that i do anything to warrant this kind of awful treatment.

Why Can't My Family See?

Why Can't My Family See?
by Melissa Fields on Thursday, March 31, 2011 at 1:31pm
Well, i guess i don't have the love of my sister Pam again....lately when she emails me all the way from the National Forest in Arizona where she lives with her husband, she once again is lambasting me for going and blowing all my money on candy, CD's and books when i got upset in the past....even though it was in the past that i did that.....and also lambasting me for getting myself into debt.....then lambasting me for not seeing my street issues from "another perspective", or the fact that i am being bullied and terrorized so much that my house has turned into a prison, is somehow because i refuse to see thngs from a "different perspective".

Well, i ask, how can one see things from a "different perspective" when one is autistic, when one reaches out....to her family..and to agencies...who...all continue to ignore her to this day.....and who all still refuse to understand her and help her? And when that autistic person IS being terrorized in her own home????

Why, God, did You see fit to let me be borne into a family, who today, all see me as a curse?
Why, dear God, why are my family so blind?
It just rips my heart out and tears me up to pieces......that they will not help me.....that they will not support me.....

The good news is that i do now have a doctor who i love...and i am finally going to get a full blood workup done, and my legs treated again.

But why, oh why, won't my family accept me and be here for me?

Melissa's Move

I created my Melissa's Move Facebook page as a way to garner help so that i can make a move because i am today, still being bullied and terrorized. I really do not want to have to move from here, as this is my home. My mother owns this house, and the house next door to it, and she rents the tiny cottage i live in, to me via Section 8, so i will never be homeless. However, i am facing the prospect of having to move, because there are several mean men who work in 4 nearby auto repair businesses here...who, because of other neighbor issues i had in the past with some mean girls back from 1992 thru 1997, and then large transport trucks barreling thru here at all hours of the day and night, and my complaints and meltdowns that i have had because of all of that....these men suddenly began to wage a loud and vicious war against me in my own home. They got some of the other businesses in on their war too...and my life...has never been the same since.

Couple with that, the fact that i am autistic and already have bad sensory issues with certain types of loud noises and when ppl are mean to me...i meltdown when under these conditions...and then cannot function normally on any level.

Well...unfortunately....try as hard as i did over these past twenty years to reach out for a resolve to my dilemma....today, these problems still exist and fester and manifest...and there are some days that i am in such a terrible meltdown mode because of what is taking place not more than 20 feet from my house that i literally become paralyzed....as that is how close my house is to this street. I cope most days, by keeping both my TV stereo speakers and computer speakers turned up loud, to cover the outside racket and mayhem. I stay, literally holed up in fear and terror everyday, in this house, with both TV and computer turned up loud, and my curtains always shut tightly for fear if i open them to let in a litttle sunshine, the monsters will drive by and yell, rev their motors and honk at me, and when i do have to venture out to go to the bank, or to the grocery store...i have to wear thick heavy headphones to and from my car, so i won't have to hear these men banshee yell or lay on the horns of their vehicles as i pass from my front door to my car....then i have to try to time my trips so i come back when thy have all gone home for the day...and i can get back to my house without incident.

All of this...has worn on me so greatly, that now my physical health is failing....and...it is failing badly. For you see, when a city just looks the other way and allows one of its most vulnerable citizens to just live with this, endure this, and just cope with this...and they don't do a damn thing to help resolve...and i mean really resolve this bully issue, so i can live here in peace...then, i am put under a stress so huge that everything is affected. The way i see, the way i smell, the way i taste all of the food i eat, the way i am not able to relax and enjoy a good book or movie, or the dawn of a new day unfold, with its beautiful shades of pinks and oranges....this affects my whole sleeping cycle and the way i even digest my food.

Often, i am so paralyzed by my fear of these men and the mean things they do just to antagonize me....that it takes me forever to get dressed and out the door to do stuff. My joints ache and hurt all the time now, from the weight that this has put over me. I can barely walk thru a grocery store now, without alot of pain. I am gaining weight and now weigh 340 pounds now, because of the stress. it causes cortisol to form mostly in the midsection of a person's body, the worst place that a person can have weight gain. My legs are now in Stage Two lymphodema, and look like elephant trunks now, they are so swollen..and they often drain, which adds to my further discomfort.

Now...all of my childhood dreams of being able to act, go to modeling school, be a rock radio deejay, and to get to travel and see places like Upper Michigan, Mackinac Island, Wisconsin, New England, New York City and New York State, our nation's capitol.....are all just that...dreams that i may now never get to achieve, because now i am on a sort of Death Row with my health, waiting for God, in His mercy, to just take me Home. No..i will never harm myself. But i do sometimes pray that God will just take me...life hurts SO very badly for me sometimes. No one should have to hurt like this just because they are disabled and cannot work to better their lives.

I have tried reaching out to every agency here: County Mental Health, Tri Counties Regional Center, Cares, Inc., Transitions Mental Health, People's Self Help Housing, the police, the city council of this town, to other city officials...and also to the area newspapers, and TV media outlets. No one here want to help, or is able to help.

I fall through the cracks..and i have always fallen through the cracks.

If i just could find someone kind, who would go with me to the local electronics store so i wouldn;t get taken and ripped off by the salespeople there...i would go get that videocamera and start recording all of the shenanigans these monsters pull. I do have over twenty VHS tape recordings of alot of the stuff they have done, that i was able to record from July of 2005, to February of 2007. But the system broke, so i now have nothing again.

To cope...i went and got a loan and several credit cards, and have, over the course of all these years, racked up approx. $8,700 dollars in debt, trying to myself the best that i could from these unbearable circumstances. One, was that i love indie rock alternative and underground music so much, that i began to really hate and dread driving, because all i had in my car, was an antiquated AM/FM cassette stereo. So i took out a loan to buy a nice CD stereo radio sound system which included XM satellite radio, so i would not have meltdowns in my car anymore. Then i went and bought all the good music i wanted and liked..and lots of books and all my favorite DVD movies. I also used the money to get out of here everyday, when it was so bad that i couldn't stay here.

Yes..i wish i had not of done all of that...but...hey, when you are made to feel like you can;t enjoy your home..and can;t be or exist in reasonable peace.....it does things to you....alot of weird things...inside and out.

It is not just money i need..i also need to have a local network of autism community friends. I need for the bullying to stop. I need for my city leaders to start caring. I need my family to care. I need a way out.....a permanent way out. I will probably never be able to work at a regular job now, because of what the past twenty years has done to my whole body, both physically and emotionally and neurologically...so i instead, need to find a way to make money by selling my life story, all of the poetry that i have written, and my artwork that i used to do. I need a way out, so that when my mother passes away someday...i will not be even more alone and floundering even more than i am now.

This...is why i have my Melissa's Move page on Facebook.