For those of you who don’t know me, i am an Autistic and physically Disabled housebound 55 year old adult who is literally dying of loneliness and severe cabin fever. I will be 56 in May, and i still have at least ten more years ahead of me.
I have friends online, on Facebook, but no in real life local friends. My family all moved out of state far away—to Idaho, and one sister in Arizona— when i was still doing well, so i now have nobody, except for my caregiver. When she comes, she comes six days a week, in the afternoons and early evenings. When she is here, i am fine, but when she is not, i go through agony, and find myself sleeping to pass the time, because i can’t just get out and go places like i want anymore—like i used to be able to do. I can’t even take walks anymore. Because i now have very limited mobility—and because of the bullies in my neighborhood who may taunt me if they see me outside of my house.
I never got married, never had children, so when my caregiver isn’t here, all i can do, aside from sleeping to kill he time, is go onto Facebook to talk to my online friends, and post about Autistic and Disability issues and politics mainly— and pick up the phone and call my mom and talk to her. I do have a few shows i like to watch on TV, plus i also watch YouTube. But i so long to have local in real life friends who would come visit me and take me to the nearby ocean, which i still love. Or to the movies. Or out to eat.
Why don’t i just move to where my mom lives? I don’t have the money to do so, and neither does anyone in my family. In fact, the rest of my siblings, their spouses, and my nieces and nephews all ignore and shun me. They have absolutely nothing to do with me.
In 1987, i was finally able to move away from my parents to a small cottage in the back of another house, where i had wonderful elderly neighbors who helped bring me out of the shell i was in. In 1990, i learned how to drive, secured my driver’s license, and an older car. I became determined to try to get myself off of government aid, so i spent the next decade—all of the ’90’s—-appealing to agency after agency—and soon gave that up, because i had no luck. Because i was always deemed ineligible for services.
In May of 1991, i had to move from that nice place, to one of my sister’s rentals, and that was when things began a downhill slide that has only gotten worse. The reason i am still alive today, is due to my so far, strong faith, my will to go on, and being able to develop creative unique ways to cope as a small child…..i still use those unique coping mechanisms today.
Now, two and a half decades, after enduring lots of neighborhood bullying—-more on that later—-several friendships ending with those friends turning against me, plus, several traumatic caregiver experiences, i have once again stopped driving and gone back into a shell. I am once again afraid to go anywhere by myself—petrified, in fact, and must have my caregiver accompany me everywhere i go outside of this house now. I now have severe noise sensitivity issues, and severe abandonment and trust and PTSD issues. I have several meltdowns a day now due to various things.
I am still a human being, with feelings, and a heart, and i am suffering—not because i’m Autistic, but because most people still don’t get—or seem to want to get Autism. Also because of the noisy neighborhood i have been trapped having to live in for the past 24 years, and because of my steadily worsening physical health. My mobility is now quite limited due to a circulatory condition (Lymphedema) that developed on my legs. I can still walk short distances, but only with the aid of a cane and walker. I badly need a mobility scooter. I also badly need to have my bathroom retrofitted with a large walk-in shower that i can get in and out of easily, because the current standard tub shower is next to impossible for me to get in and out of, most days.
Unfortunately, the reason why the neighborhood i have been living in for the past two plus decades has been bad for me, is that—-on top of the noise, has been that most of my neighbors early on, all assumed i was a “crazy lady”. Why?
My problems began with two mean girls next door to me, just 11 months after i moved here,who both turned against me and began to taunt and torment me–and then, because i live in a mixed residential/light industrial zone, several other neighbors in a restaurant supply business, a food bank, and two auto shops, all began to notice me and bully me too——because the mean girls’ behavior resulted in me having loud meltdowns where i would scream in sheer terror at their loud deliberate taunting and loud music being blared right into my house.
After that, it was like i was reliving my entire painful childhood all over again, where i was afraid of all kinds of loud noises—and i once again became afraid of certain loud noises.
Today, even though a police officer has now been able to help to calm many of my problems down, my PTSD prevents me from overcoming the noise sensitivity, plus i am now so battle-fatigued by all of the bullying and tauntings i have endured from the mean girls, then the other business employees, that i now feel like i am half-dead all the time. I am tired all the time. I sleep in two shifts, for three hours after my caregiver leaves in the evenings—-and then for another five hours in the mornings till about 1:30 PM. Ironically i use the loud volume of my own TV and my own music—-to cover the outside neighborhood noises—-because i am able to handle noises that i see as “friendly” noises—-if that makes sense. And i consider my TV and music to be “friendly” noise.
Therapy has never helped because most mental health professionals want to dope me up, and then play what i find to be twisted weird and very ableistic head games with me—-they want to fix and cure me like NOW.
PTSD is a thing that cannot easily be cured. it can be treated, but not cured. And Autism—-definitely cannot be cured. And people should stop trying to cure the Autism out of us.
The reason i’m writing this is that i need help with several things, for the sake of what is left of my health and sanity.
One, i need to move from this neighborhood to a small house that is in a nice quiet neighborhood where i will have nice neighbors, and they won’t be right upstairs, downstairs, or right next to me. And no, i don’t want to move to Idaho or Arizona, because it is too hot in both places, and i am very sensitive to weather that is too hot. Plus—living with my mom is also out—-i am a very hard person to live with, because i have my weird sleep schedule and i have a lot of quirks and routines.
Two, i need a mobility scooter that my caregiver can easily handle, and a place with ramps, and disabled accessible bathroom.
Three, i really long to have local friends who get and accept Autistic adults the way we are, who will be like a second family to me—-who will take me places and come visit me, and maybe i could even go to church with them, so long as it’s a liberal church—-because i am a progressive liberal, and i am pro-LGBTQIA.
And four, i need a good doctor who won’t body shame me, but who will help me to get the leg surgery i also badly need to remove a large leg tumor that is the size of a basketball that is on my left leg.
I really feel if i had these things, my happy will come back. I so wish i had some real help in these areas. Please.
